Tempers from 2 strong willed people I love dearly

[AimeeW2019]

I'm 35, my husband is 37, and is extremely protective of me...
My mother had me later in life when she was my age, so shes in her early 70's.

The issue is... I'm currently 37+2 with our 1st baby together, I have a daughter from a previous relationship but hubby and I have been trying for years and after 4 miscarriages and one ectopic... this little rainbow girl finally stuck.

Hubby and I are super happy and he honestly is the best, protective and loving, wrapping me in cotton wool and telling me I'm "precious cargo" but he is also very outspoken... he is not afraid to speak his mind...

My mum, as loved as she is... she still drives but let's say her driving isnt what it used to be, she gets too distracted, doesn't concentrate, and theres been quite a few times we've almost been in an accident because of her, she thinks she owns the road and never does anything wrong... itll always be the other drivers fault...

Anyway, we were out at the hospital today for a positioning scan, my baby is breach therefore an elective csection had to be arranged, happening in 2 weeks!!

Whilst leaving the hospital (my mum likes helping by taking us to appointments as we dont drive) almost crashed into an oncoming car and my hubby, who's respectfully bit his tongue, spoke up and said she has to start being more careful, mum was biting back and things started getting a little heated so I had to pipe up and say "enough!" Mum likes to drag things on and on and both of them have to have the last word... the last thing I need right now is 2 of the people I love falling out... they usually get on like a house on fire...

But hubby has now said he no longer feels safe in her car, and that if i want to continue going places with her it's up to me, but he says our kids, especially this baby... isnt going in her car...

To be honest, I dont trust her driving anymore either, she either drives way to slow, wants to chat or be nosey out the window not concentrating on the road, she flies over speed bumps, people toot their horns at her... its quite embarrassing... so my hubby is right and I do agree with him...

But how do I tell mum I no longer trust her driving ability? She would be so crushed... but my husband no matter how old mum is... has a right to Express his opinion just as much as she has... she thinks because she's a certain age... it entitles her to do as she pleases... and how dare anyone stand up to her...

Then you get the guilt trip saying things like "you'll be old yourself one day and you only get one mother"

It's got nothing to do with her being my mother... he openly admits hed say exact same to his mum if he thought she was making stupid decisions putting us in danger, so hes just point blank refusing to get back in her car... and I'm worried this will cause atmospheres because my mum constantly drags things up... yes families can have disagreements... but she will not let anything go.

I'm not going to take sides as I love them both, but knowing what my mums like on the road... I do agree with him.

So what would you guys do?? ?? ??

Aimee xx

@MyCatPeedOnTheCurtains is correct the 'ugh' was about the twee use of 'hubby' (who I am sure is lovely).

Who is making a fool of you here? You just seem more concerned at not upsetting your mother than the safety others.

I don’t think it’s your mum’s age—it’s just that she’s a bad driver. The stats speak for themselves on age and driving. That said, she could do the advanced driving test. That’s a great way to improve.

OMG

Right it seems certain people arent reading my posts correctly...

First of all my husband is NOT a "know it all" he doesnt have that Arrogance... but he has driven before and all his friends drive and he has been in enough circumstances and witnessed how others have handled things so yes... he does know quite a lot but isnt a Dick or I wouldn't have chosen him!!

I DONT RELY ON MY ELDERLY MOTHER ... I have said a few times now I would rather she DIDNT take us places...

I CANNOT be " Held Accountable" for her actions she is a grown woman at the end of the day... apart from having the chat with her what the hell else am I supposed to do?!

And I WILL NOT tolerate anyone slagging my husband off so any more comments being nasty towards him I'm GONE he is right in what he says and he thinks we should both sit her down and respectfully explain why she shouldn't be on the road anymore... its ME who's 'tetchy' bout it as I do not want the stress of the situation possibly getting heated and those two end up falling out... that puts ME in the middle with the kids which is not fair...

And also bout my hubby... I NEVER SAID HE HAS TO HAVE THE LAST WORD... I said they BOTH him AND mum are quite diplomatic and strong willed... to the point IVE got to step in and say "ENOUGH" both of you... like I'm stopping a couple of bloody kids arguing!!

There that's the LAST time I'm saying it... I wouldn't DARE come on here slagging anyone elses family members off I'd give my respectful opinion yes... bit I wouldn't call anyone names god I thought this was meant to be a sight you could get support and understanding!!!!

Aimee, I think you must be reading an entirely different thread to the rest of us!

OP. You are correcting things that haven’t even been said

I wouldn’t get in the car with her any more just say no thanks.
But your husband does sound like a dick. Precious cargo ffs

You seem quite angry OP. I haven't seen people saying the things you say they are. Maybe it is just how the text comes across sometimes when people are replying, but I think people are trying to say that you acknowledge she is dangerous, so maybe it is time to speak to the DVLA. Of course she is a grown adult, but when we become aware someone we know is a danger to others, we do in part become responsible for stepping in before something terrible happens.

For example, someone in the family was similar and refused to listen or stop driving. Their daughter reported them to the DVLA and their license was taken away. If they had continued to drive it was only a matter of time before they killed themselves or someone else.

It sounds as though your husband is right. It remains your choice if you travel with her, but your husband is right that your child should not be in the car with someone who drives dangerously.

@pilot my husband is NOT A DICK dont know who you think you are how dare you!! And of course he views me as carrying precious cargo cos I'm fucking carrying a child we've been trying for 8 fucking years... you have been reported

Yes I am correcting things that have been said... I wouldn't feel like I have to justify otherwise... trying to delete this thread because of people not being very nice towards my husband... I've already said I wont tolerate it... of course I'm bloody angry anyone would be... how do you delete threads on this thing??

Unless your husband has passed his test you cannot claim he knows a lot about driving just because his friends drive, it’s actually laughable, or is going to be a competent driver it gives off the impression he is a know it all. As he cannot have the knowledge you or him claim he has. That would be like saying as I’ve been on many many planes for long distances, I’m practically a pilot. You sound really immature.

I'm not trying to say anything like that... and I'm not sure thanks... reported

Meant immature... just dont take kindly to people trying to be so rude, slagging my family off dont need this shot I've enough going on

I didn’t say anything abusive, just how your post has come across. Maybe you should be reported for all the anger you’re spewing on here. Just calm down why do you care so much what strangers on the internet think?

You have to woman up.
This was my FIL. The final straw was when he pulled away while DH was getting DS (baby) out of the car.

I said no more. There was a little ruckus, for a couple of weeks, he went to the doctors who said he was still ok to drive (!!!!) and 11 years later it's just a rule we all follow, we never mentioned. They just go places on the bus together. I'm sure I was the big bad wolf for a while, but I can cope with that.
I still cannot believe that he was signed off by the doctor though

Woah, that escalated. Nobody is slagging your family off. But if you won't take on any suggestions then you'll have to stop telling your mum when you are going out so she can't offer you a lift. A "no thanks mum" will do it.

You know she's a danger yet you won't raise it with her. That's crazy. Let's hope she doesn't kill someone.

One of you needs to learn to drive. And honestly, if your husband could do it that easily which is doubtful, then he should take the test. It gives you options as a family at least.

Your mum is a dangerous driver - and needs reporting to the DVLA and the police.
She's probably going to end up causing an accident or killing someone if she carries on.
She's not some doddery old woman with the best of intentions - she's most likely suffering with age related cognitive impairments which also have a knock-on effect on emotional regulation.
Though it sounds like she's always been overbearing and overly-involved in your life.

Her 'my way or the high way - and i'll tantrum if you don't let me' attitude is based on pure selfishness.
She refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of her driving issues - and she doesn't give two shits that she's putting the life of her unborn grandchild at risk with her driving.

I think it's time you stopped constantly putting her feelings above yours and dh's and the safety of others.
Tough shit if she doesn't like it, she's old enough to lump it.

Do you think she actually cares more about your unborn dc than her own ego OP?
Cos it doesn't sound like it.

And her born grandchild. Op already has a daughter.

Get your mother's GP to talk to her. He or she is likely to have sufficient experience to know how to convince her that it's in her own interest to stop driving.
It's certainly in everyone else's interest.

I agree that the issue is safety, but I wonder if it might help to start by approaching it as you want HER to stay safe, to be around to see her grandchildren grow up, graduate, get married etc

From that stance then you might be able to get her to both quit driving AND see the dr.

I'll admit your comment about "not having anything to be depressed about" did annoy me as depression doesn't work like that, it's an illness that can strike out of the clear blue yonder! You don't say "I don't know why they've got the flu they've no reason to be coughing and sneezing" do you? Some people's brains just work differently and ageing affects all systems including neurological/mental health.

I happen to agree that older people should be assessed for driving, eyesight, reactions etc all decline as we age, many will be fine but some need to acknowledge they're no longer safe to do so.

My own mother, also 70's, is fine for now as far as I know but I definitely noticed last time I was in a car with her that she's slower to respond and more hesitant/less confident.

I remember watching a tv show (panorama type show) YEARS ago where they were testing the theory that youngsters were more dangerous than other drivers. They did a load of research etc but they also took a few drivers from a number of categories

Boy racers
White van man
School run mum
Professional drivers (taxi and hgv drivers)
Older drivers

And tested them on simulators with various scenarios.

The results showed that yes the youngsters were more dangerous, partly due to being more likely to take risks but also because of things like incorrectly assessing speeds and distance (I believe the brain can't accurately do this until we're 25/30) BUT the next most dangerous group were the older drivers - poor reaction times, not seeing hazards due to poor eyesight (it wasn't what they were testing for but it was a sort of addendum that all but one of the older drivers who THOUGHT they didn't need glasses were 'strongly advised' to get an eye test ASAP!), hesitation, slow decision making...

At the very least I think regular eye tests and response reactions should be brought in, certainly for older drivers but I don't see the harm in it for all drivers! I started needing glasses in my early 20's I'm still shocked how many don't get regular eye tests.

I'm permanently disabled because of another driver hitting me because he wasn't paying proper attention (texting - but from the sound of things she's just as bad with looking anywhere but the road ahead!) - I was 33 at the time of the accident with a young dd, I was VERY lucky it wasn't worse (he shunted me into oncoming traffic and it was only thanks to the fast reactions of the driver heading for my wing that I wasn't seriously injured!) how would she feel if she left someone seriously injured or dead?!

That's a lethal piece of equipment she's operating, it requires respect and care.

It's good you are taking the side of safety and refusing your mum. I suggest open honesty and finding good public transport links for you to get to hers and vice versa.

Do not listen to any manipulation. You may only have 'one mum' as may others but if she crashes into someone then you and another family may end up with no mums. It's hard, we had to have the conversation with someone and there was the threat of police made as she was terribly unsafe, she went lc for a while to push people to retract but in the end came around and uses her free bus pass loads.

Your husband is right and i don't think he lost his temper or was annoyed unreasonably. Your mum was however.

Hey it's me, the OP... yes things got heated unfortunately, not my intention as I genuinely came on here for advice on how to raise an awkward convo with my mum... felt people weren't being very nice with their comments and ended up deleting my account... but then curiosity got the better of me and I checked again and seen these helpful, supportive comments which i am extremely grateful for... so i had to sign back up again... you all for your advice... although mum is 71 she can act childish ... just yesterday she posted a comment on my FB that i had to delete as i knew other people would reply and it would end up in a row... i am 35 and due to go in for a c section in 12 days which I'm so nervous about, baby is in a breach position and I've never had a c section before so I'm anxious about that and making sure myself and my baby are safe and everything goes smoothly... therefore the last thing i need / want, is any drama stressing me out as it's not good for me or the baby... no my husband didnt "go off on one" at my mum because he isnt like that and people who dont know him cant judge him, he merely pointed out a little mistake she made as she was holding up traffic and she got all defensive which she always does... she tends to take things too far, and even when we got home she kept going on and on about it because she was offended that someone had the nerve to criticise her... and now shes got it in her head that she wont be involved with the baby... my in laws were posting on my FB page yesterday how they are there for us when we come home to help out with shopping, housework etc... to which my mum replied "I hope I'm involved as well" no one said she would be left out of course not... babys her grandchild... but she gets offended when she hears other people are helping me as she thinks shes the only person I should be relying on... like I'm not allowed as an adult to accept anyone elses help... it's nothing to do with that it's just because she is elderly she is retired and should be enjoying life with my dad... she raised me to be independent and that's what I am... and she lives in another town from me whereas my in laws live 2 second away just literally round the corner so it's just easier and more convenient for the situation at the time... it's not that I'm deliberately not wanting her help... like another poster said she can help in other ways like when my husband is working and I maybe want her help with other things just not driving... but it's true she does take major offence if anyone disagrees with her.

I'm just trying to do what's best and trying to please everyone which is impossible soci just focusing on myself, husband and our two beautiful girls from now on... anyone doesnt like that TOUGH!! oh and my husband definitely is going to go for his test soon as we can afford it... and that will be better for us we know that.

Thanks again to everyone who's been supportive