Tempers from 2 strong willed people I love dearly

[AimeeW2019]

I'm 35, my husband is 37, and is extremely protective of me...
My mother had me later in life when she was my age, so shes in her early 70's.

The issue is... I'm currently 37+2 with our 1st baby together, I have a daughter from a previous relationship but hubby and I have been trying for years and after 4 miscarriages and one ectopic... this little rainbow girl finally stuck.

Hubby and I are super happy and he honestly is the best, protective and loving, wrapping me in cotton wool and telling me I'm "precious cargo" but he is also very outspoken... he is not afraid to speak his mind...

My mum, as loved as she is... she still drives but let's say her driving isnt what it used to be, she gets too distracted, doesn't concentrate, and theres been quite a few times we've almost been in an accident because of her, she thinks she owns the road and never does anything wrong... itll always be the other drivers fault...

Anyway, we were out at the hospital today for a positioning scan, my baby is breach therefore an elective csection had to be arranged, happening in 2 weeks!!

Whilst leaving the hospital (my mum likes helping by taking us to appointments as we dont drive) almost crashed into an oncoming car and my hubby, who's respectfully bit his tongue, spoke up and said she has to start being more careful, mum was biting back and things started getting a little heated so I had to pipe up and say "enough!" Mum likes to drag things on and on and both of them have to have the last word... the last thing I need right now is 2 of the people I love falling out... they usually get on like a house on fire...

But hubby has now said he no longer feels safe in her car, and that if i want to continue going places with her it's up to me, but he says our kids, especially this baby... isnt going in her car...

To be honest, I dont trust her driving anymore either, she either drives way to slow, wants to chat or be nosey out the window not concentrating on the road, she flies over speed bumps, people toot their horns at her... its quite embarrassing... so my hubby is right and I do agree with him...

But how do I tell mum I no longer trust her driving ability? She would be so crushed... but my husband no matter how old mum is... has a right to Express his opinion just as much as she has... she thinks because she's a certain age... it entitles her to do as she pleases... and how dare anyone stand up to her...

Then you get the guilt trip saying things like "you'll be old yourself one day and you only get one mother"

It's got nothing to do with her being my mother... he openly admits hed say exact same to his mum if he thought she was making stupid decisions putting us in danger, so hes just point blank refusing to get back in her car... and I'm worried this will cause atmospheres because my mum constantly drags things up... yes families can have disagreements... but she will not let anything go.

I'm not going to take sides as I love them both, but knowing what my mums like on the road... I do agree with him.

So what would you guys do?? ?? ??

Aimee xx

Also as I've already stated yes ... whilst my hubby could easily get his licence tomorrow... it's not just about the licence is it??... its buying a car... insurance... MOT's... road taxes... petrol etc all the expenses that come with a car... it all adds up and we have other priorities at the moment... like making sure we have everything we need for this baby... my eldest daughters 13th bday in 2 months plus xmas... not that I should have to justify everything but only one of us is working atm and house, Bill's and living expenses come paramount before any car. We usually do use public transport but mum insists on wanting to drive us places wont take no for an answer very easily and we end up letting her just for peace... we dont ask her to drive us places... that's for sure...

Just dob her in anonymously to the DVLA online. Swear blind it wasn't you - you will need some sort of cover story so maybe the other driver took her registration number? I did this for FIL when he had dementia and refused to give up driving

She may have some sort of undiagnosed visual disorder if she keeps veering into other cars. Or just be a crap driver.

Either way, she needs to hear it.

Don't tell her you no longer want lifts, tell her you are concerned about her driving. Even if you are not in the car she is still putting herself and other road users at risk. Even if she isn't 'that bad' she could still kill someone, what if she clipped a cyclist or a pedestrian stepped out unexpectedly and she didn't react in time? I'd tell her she is much appreciated for all the help she gives you, and you can understand why she doesn't want to give up driving as it is so inconvenient but she really has to look at the safety issue.

You could also say once baby is here you hope she will help you sometimes by babysitting and caring for the dgc and that will even more helpful than just giving lifts which you could arrange from elsewhere but there is no-one to replace a Grandma looking after the dgc.

Your mother is seemingly not the nice and kind person you think or want to think she is.

Have firm and consistent boundaries in place re your mother, no more lifts should be accepted by you both for a start. Your boundaries re her are weak and she knows this too.

Stop trying to appease your mother, it does not work and such only serves to keep on making her behave poorly. You and he should talk a to you mother together and present a united front. You really do not want the courts taking away her licence because if she carries on as she is, that scenario could well become a reality.

@AnnaMagnani I'd love to do that but because of her wee "disagreement with hubby yesterday she would automatically blame him... and I couldn't sit back and let him take that knowing it was me I'd have to fess up... she doesnt veer into other cars she has nearly a few times but here's an example of some situations

• she misjudges distances and mounts Krebs

• shes a terrible "parker" her car ends up squint, almost taking up 2 spaces but she insists its straight

• stops suddenly making everyone in the car 'jerk' forward but will blame the oncoming driver saying "she had the rightaway" when actually she didnt

• other drivers go to let her out but she sits waiting on them moving... then cars behind her toot their horns to say "GO" ...

• always ends up in wrong lanes and indicating at the last second... bit slags other people off if she sees them do it.

• flies over speed bumps causing the car to "bounce" which is so uncomfortable when your heavily pregnant... I told her once that hubby told me your meant to slow right down to 5mph going over speed bumps... her reply... "I'm only doing 15"... or "I forget their there half the time"... blaming her age and saying "we will be old someday ourselves" ... yeah and we will accept when we are wrong and do something about it!!

If your husband can easily pass his test tomorrow then pay for him to go and do it. He can then be an additional driver on your mums insurance. I doubt her premiums would go up, they'd probably come down so it wouldn't cost you anything and he can drive.

Take her keys away.

If you do not tell her, the police may well end up telling her. Then she will have to listen because they will not accept her age in mitigation here., Your mother should not be on the road because she is a danger to herself and to other road users.

@tweedledeedo I have no idea how much they cost nowadays... plus he would probably need just a couple of lessons with an instructor to make sure his knowledge was up to date... and he wouldn't drive her car because of her driving theres always something wrong with it... I honestly dont know how it passes any MOT its borderline death trap!!

@AttilaTheMeerkat my hubby says the exact same thing... the situation we were in yesterday outside the hospital he said if a traffic warden / police seen her or knew half the stuff she does she would automatically either get points or her license taken away

Honestly, I don't know how much a test costs. I'd guess it would be around £80 for the rest, another £80 for a couple of lessons.
Not particularly cheap but when it's life and death it's an absolute bargain.

I appreciate you're short of cash but as adults I think you and DH have to take responsibility. You describe it as a death trap, coupled with her driving you are putting yourselves at risk. And others by not having the DVLA test her.

The fact is the car has passed its MOT, it is roadworthy, there is no reason for your DH not to drive it other than stubbornness.

If your hubby can get his licence, you could look into car sharing schemes. I have a friend who did that, I think it was £30 a day or something which if you don't need a car to daily commute works out way cheaper than buying insuring and running a car

I think you said you are afraid of hurting your mother's feelings and this is putting you off your conversation with her.

I would say to you that you are going to hurt her feelings and you are going to have to cope with that. It is an inevitable consequence of your conversation telling her you cannot go in a car with her again. Accept this.

As others have said, it is a lot easier than accepting her killing someone and you being complicit.

I think, in my mid 30's I'd be prioritising being independent of my mother/ mother in law. It wouldn't matter what that cost I'd find the money. As for you thinking people should be retested at age 60, you sound quite ageist. Your mother may not be a safe driver and, naturally you shouldn't get in a car with anyone you consider unsafe
My parents both still drive safely in their 80's. They are of sound mind and neither me nor my siblings have been dependant on them since we were very early 20's

@tweedledeedo oh it's nothing to do with "Stubbornness" on hubbys part... he can be but not in this instance... my mother doesnt live in the same town as us shes approx 30 mins away... she has her plans / life & we have ours... so trying to borrow her car when we needed it would be a royal nightmare!

But if she's driving you around already then surely her car is already there on the days you need it? All that needs to happen is she jumps in the passenger seat when she arrives to pick you up. I do think if she's that unsafe you should look at alternatives instead of letting her do a 60 mile round trip to pick you up though!

@flamingjune123 sorry but I'm NOT AGEIST!! I'm not the only person who has that opinion nearly everyone thinks that... and dont welcome I'm not independent I've been independent from my mother since I was a teenager thank you!! She knows how independent I am I dont like anyone doing anything for me... I'm dreading after this procedure having to let people help me cos ill be borderline useless so you cant say that bout me... only reason i "let her" help me is cos she complains saying she feels left out and i dont want her feeling like that so I'm putting HER feelings BEFORE mine!!

And regards to "finding the money" ... I'd need really good glasses then cos tjeres a lack of magic beans up where i live lol

@@tweedledeedo yes you are right the cat would be available... but if we were to borrow her car and she 'jumps in passenger seat' it means we'd have to take her everywhere with us and if my hubby god for bid drives confidently she'll end up having something to say bout that cos he'd "be driving too fast" etc it just wouldn't be practical for us sorry no lol

@tweedledeedo we are in the process of looking at other alternatives also... socthat we can safely get around and not have to worry

Could be a physical condition causing this.

My DF's driving went downhill like this in his early 70s when he was in the early stages of Parkinson's disease. Luckily he very quickly gave up driving voluntarily so I didn't have to have the difficult conversation.

You really need to be straight with her that she is not safe to drive and she needs a medical check up. Can't pussyfoot around worrying about hurt feelings when there is such a serious safety issue.

You are really minimising the risk that she poses to other drivers and pedestrians. When (not if) she causes an accident you will have to shoulder some of responsibility because you're enabling her by not tackling it.

You and your 'hubby' (ugh) can get public transport. Other people manage.

@ABoozedMoose and what do you mean by "ugh" he IS my husband! And if you read my posts you'll see we DO GET PUBLIC TRANSPORT it's only now and again ... I'm seriously thinking of just deleting this thread now as I came on for genuine advice not to be targeted / made a fool out of by people being mean most people have had caring advice but as I'm pregnant I'm certainly not having anyone stressing me out

Your husband needs to learn to drive it’s not fair to have your elderly mother drive you around and then complain about her driving. Of course she’s not safe to drive she’s in her 70s!

Your husband sounds like a know it all who you’ve said has to have the last word. He’s clued up on the Highway Code and knows driving ettiequte, no no he doesn’t unless he is a driver. He just thinks he knows better than everyone else.

I think ugh is for hubby.

I’ve been here OP and my dh also put his foot down and I had to back him up. It was my Mums eyes that were the issue, she had adequate vision to pass an eye test for driving but due to repeated laser eye surgery (diabetes) her eyes were not reacting to light properly. I had a serious conversation with both of my parents and my Mum actually decided to stop driving. She was devastated and it left her dependent on my Dad but it was the safest option. Strangely enough it was leaving the hospital that triggered my dh- my Mum went to drive us straight through the barrier, not seeing it. Thankfully my dh drives (the only reason he wasn’t that day was because we had to take an ambulance ride to the hospital with one of our dc) and so does my DF. Could your DH get a driving licence? I can imagine your DM not taking him seriously if he has never driven.

My parents were safe drivers into their 80s but really didn't want to agree when we were trying to persuade them to stop as they were becoming unsafe.

It took dad having a minor (luckily) accident at 89, luckily it was a wall he argued with rather than a body. The police were involved as someone witnessed it and called them. Dad was a bit shaken after and agreed not to drive any more then when the police visited for a statement a week later he said he thought he was still ok to drive. The police told him in no uncertain terms that if he continued to drive then they would be prosecuting for driving without due care and attention but if he agree to give up his license that would be the end of it (much like Prince Philip); luckily he gave up.

Luckily mum's optician told her she was no longer safe and she accepted that.