Is it me? Am I toxic?

[sallynoballs]

Okay so I'll try keep this short!

Basically I'm worrying I'm the toxic one and not my current bf....that I'm trying my hardest to get out of not as easy as it seems!

I'm not sure where to start or what information to give but I have read online that it might be me!

Before you all start...I know I have to get out I really am trying but basically I think it all comes from not trusting him....as I was never like this with my ex.

So my current bf cheated on me....a few times but now I find myself checking up on him, watching his every move, getting physically angry when I have been drinking and all the signs the internet have said that I might be a toxic one not him!
Or am I now like this because I don't trust him?

Please be kind I know I have to end it I really am trying but he won't take no for an answer!

You are like this because you don't trust the cheating prick. Do you live together? Kids?

You quite rightly don’t trust him and you need to move on, heal, and find someone who deserves you

I was like this with my ex husband. My behaviour became toxic because of the way he treated me. In the end he left me but I won't take all the blame.

no need to call yourself toxic or any other negative descriptors.
the relationship is unhealthy.
are you tied to him in any way (shared housing/pets/bills)?
if not block block block and get on with a good book, and exercise, anything that keeps you busy.

You;'re not toxic, you are behaving this way because of the way he has treated you. I'm not saying its ok to behave like this but its not your fauly and I think you need to end things. You haven't let go of the cheating which is why you get angry when you're drunk - that is your inner anger coming out. As for checking up on him - IS IT ANY WONDER??
This relationship is what is toxic and you need to get out of it.

You’re reacting to the highly toxic situation of being cheated on “a few times” and still remaining in the relationship.

Unsurprising that this very unhealthy context is engendering “toxic” reactions from you - borne from the multiple breaching of trust and lack of respect towards you... you surely deserve better than this and definitely your energy could be focused on more positive endeavours than monitoring/policing this proven cheat?

Remove yourself from the toxic relationship originally created by his infidelities and heal alone without getting sucked further down the toxic relationship rabbit hole. It can be surprisingly hard to get out once in.

Getting angry when drunk isn’t ideal - I would assume this is because you are not resolved with your current situation and it all comes out when your barriers are down. If you end this relationship and this is still a feature then maybe this needs separate consideration. Might get flamed but I wouldn’t call this either way unless it continued after ending the current relationship.

Living with a cheat wouldn’t bring out the best in anyone (why would it?).

Good luck OP

Thankyou for your replies!
And Thankyou for being so kind!

No we don't live together or have anything together only friends!
But I have tried to block him but it doesn't work and he always manages to twist things and make me feel bad and take him back!

I know I don't trust him so am hoping this is the reason I am now a psycho!
I wasn't like this in the whole 13 years I was with my ex.
But now I feel like I'm the reason our relationship isn't working and like I'm controlling him.

He mentioned tonight that yes it feels like I'm controlling him as it's down to me when we see each other, cuddle kiss etc he feels like he's walking on egg shells ☹️

Please look up narcissistic abuse on YouTube. Please and gaslighting behaviour að that is most likely what he is doing to hover you back in a relationship with him. Please leave a man like that, love youself a little more

he feels like he's walking on egg shells

How about he stops to think how you feel knowing that he's cheated on you 'a few times'?

He should be walking over hot coals or a bed of nails to prove his contrition, instead of which you're accusing yourself of being psycho because you can't, and don't, trust him.

A man who cheats on you doesn't love you and has no respect for you. Why do you still call him your 'current bf' when he should be history?

When you say blocking him "doesn't work" - do you mean he's finding a technical way around your blocks, or are you caving in and unblocking him, then falling into the trap of responding?

So my current bf cheated on me....a few times
FFS OP - you are worth far more than this lying, cheating scumbag.
How can he twist cheating back around to you?
Stop listening to his bullshit.
Block him. Delete him from all SM.
And please do some work on yourself.
WHY are you accepting this treatment?
Why do you keep going back to a cheat?
Counselling for you.
Block, ignore, delete.
It may seem like a hard task but you owe it yourself to get this lowlife out of your life for good!

Please get rid of this creep.

"NO" is a useful word to repeat if he tries to get you to take him back.

You are not toxic - he is.

He turns up at my house or leaves me voicemails and then I cave again as he promises me the world.
This has been going on all this year....I don't know why I can't just say no and stick to it....he always asks to meet up to talk in person as I always text him saying it's over as I know he can worm his way back in, so I meet him as I feel bad and then we're back to square one again!

I'm scared to be on my own I think and he knows this and uses it to his advantage!
I obviously have no self respect.

But all this aside I know we're not working but I can't bare to think about him with anyone else....even when he talks about another girl it makes me sick!

I have been looking at narcissistic abuse this morning and some things sound familiar....but surely he can't make me feel this loved when he's trying to get me back if he doesn't actually love me.

If he loved you he wouldn't have cheated on you. It really is as simple as that.

If he's talking about 'another girl' after cheating on you, he's enjoying twisting the knife and watching you squirm. Next time he does it throw up over him.

Come on, sally. Time to grow some and dump his lying cheating arse once and for all,

If you love someone you don't treat them like shit.

Narcissists try to convince you of all manner of crap eg: that they do care and that you misunderstand them, that you are crazy and overreact, that you are controlling. Basically anything to make you the bad guy and detract attention from their own horrible behaviour.

Sorry but he doesn't love you. He loves controlling you, hurting you and getting away with it and basically - being the psycopath he is.

Leave the fucker. He's the cheat, ergo a liar and untrustworthy and he's manipulative enough to make you think it's you. Dump him. It's all him.

surely he can't make me feel this loved when he's trying to get me back if he doesn't actually love me.

Of course he can.
It's all an act because he gets off on getting you to do what he wants.

Everyone here has answered your question - you are not toxic, he is.

So now it's up to you to bin him off & mean it.

surely he can't make me feel this loved when he's trying to get me back if he doesn't actually love me.

Oh honey no. You need to educate yourself on relationships. This is a breathtakingly naive thing to believe. If you keep believing this, you are going to have an extremely painful life full of abusive relationships.

People can make you feel loved even if they hate you. It's actually pretty easy to do and it happens ALL the time.

It's also worth learning this: It's possible for a person to genuinely love you, and also be a terrible person who abuses you.

Another one: It's possible for you to genuinely love someone who is terrible and who abuses you, who you need to leave.

Love isn't magic, it's not that special. It's not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone who is literally driving you crazy and making you a miserable, insecure version of yourself.

Please wise up and leave this relationship. No good will come of staying in it.

OP, if he really thought that you were a psycho or toxic, why would he even want to get back with you?

Next time, just cut him off. You know you will weaken if you meet face to face to discuss things (and so does he), so don't - just tell him you are able to conclude for yourself from the fact he has cheated on you X times that he can't actually keep it in his pants and is therefore not the man for you - what's to discuss?

Thankyou guys. I know I need to it's just so hard!

Everytime I try and break things off he always says just think of me with someone else doesn't that kill you? If it doesn't kill you then you couldn't of loved me that much. How can you do this if you really loved me.

And then I feel bad 😫

I just can't be bothered with it all. I want an easy life. I don't wanna hurt anymore but I feel being with him hurts and being without him hurts too....I'm stuck!

Everytime I try and break things off he always says just think of me with someone else doesn't that kill you?

Your answer: "It used to, but to be honest I'm quite used to it now."

Doesn't it kill you? Reply: no it doesn't.
You can't have loved me that much. Reply: I expect you're right.
If you really loved me... Reply: You're right, I don't.

You need to block him everywhere and not give in. He's an abusive, cheating wanker. He cheated on you several times! He's the toxic one!

I'm stuck!

No, you aren't. You're just so much in search of an easy life that you don't take the time to examine what he says and see how you're constantly agreeing to nonsense.

Everytime I try and break things off he always says just think of me with someone else doesn't that kill you?

Why should it kill you, everyone deserves to be happy. Why shouldn't he be with someone else.

If it doesn't kill you then you couldn't of loved me that much. How can you do this if you really loved me.

Lol. No. If you love someone, you want them to be happy. He thinks you're a psycho and can't be faithful to you, clearly you aren't suited. You're setting him free to be with someone who he actually likes, and wants to treat well. The way he acts towards you makes it crystal clear that you're not the girl for him, surely?

And then I feel bad 😫

Are you aware that you have the option of just ignoring this feeling and letting him think badly of you?
He doesn't have to think you are a good person. He doesn't need to approve of you in any way.

You could just say, "yeah I guess I didn't love you. Yeah, I'm a terrible person." Or you could SAY NOTHING. And block, delete, move on.

You have plenty of options. You aren't stuck in anything but your own choice. You can end this, you really aren't a victim here unless you choose to stay in this situation day in and day out.

Seriously though, any man who speaks like that to a woman who is trying to end their relationship over his repeated infidelity is just a cunt.

I feel being with him hurts and being without him hurts too....I'm stuck!

No, you're not.

Being with him hurts and if you stay with him you'll keep hurting.

Being without him will hurt for a short time, then you'll move on. No more hurt, just wondering to yourself why on earth you stayed for so long.