Is it me? Am I toxic?

[sallynoballs]

Okay so I'll try keep this short!

Basically I'm worrying I'm the toxic one and not my current bf....that I'm trying my hardest to get out of not as easy as it seems!

I'm not sure where to start or what information to give but I have read online that it might be me!

Before you all start...I know I have to get out I really am trying but basically I think it all comes from not trusting him....as I was never like this with my ex.

So my current bf cheated on me....a few times but now I find myself checking up on him, watching his every move, getting physically angry when I have been drinking and all the signs the internet have said that I might be a toxic one not him!
Or am I now like this because I don't trust him?

Please be kind I know I have to end it I really am trying but he won't take no for an answer!

I feel being with him hurts and being without him hurts too

Then be hurt without him! Less chance of an STD. More chance of meeting someone who will treat you with a modicum of decency.

He's a gaslighting, abusive, cheating bastard.

It's him, not you.

Rip the plaster off and finish it once and for all. Yes it will sting for a while but then you will recover, you will heal and you can start being happy. Staying with him will be just like continually picking at an open wound. The pain will never pass.

You are all making so much sense!

I just need to be strong. End it and don't meet up with him to talk it over as there is not really anything to talk over!

I think the comment about leaving will only hurt temporarily but staying with him will hurt always has actually hit home!

Time to grow those balls 🤦🏻‍♀️

Try "I did love you but not any more, since your cheating."

You can have a much better life without this creep.

The thing is his cheating is over a year ago.
So everytime I say I can't get over it he just says "but things were getting better, I haven't done anything wrong this time"

Which is true.... but doesn't mean in my bed things are getting better I still think about it everyday

You don't need his permission to not get over it.

You can't get over it (and nor should you - I can see how you might be able to get the trust back if it was a complete one-off, but several times (that you know of) suggests that he's your basic serial philanderer) and it's obviously affecting your life and behaviour and making you unhappy in many ways. Nobody can say you haven't given it a damn good try, but it's just not working for you.

(Just for context, how long have you been together? How soon did the cheating start? Do you live together?)

"but things were getting better, I haven't done anything wrong this time"

Ask him what about the times that he has cheated, they were not a "mistake" he did not accidentally fall dick first into another woman's vagina in Tesco. He made a series of decisions that he knew would hurt you and acted on them, and then he repeated those actions again and again and now he is blaming you for not just getting over it. It is time to get angry and realise that this man has been abusing you emotionally and I would also say physically (by being with others sexually he has increased your risk of exposure to sti's) repeated infidelity is now being seen as a form of abuse, you need to walk away.

Have a read of this and start getting angry.

"Infidelity is Abuse

Reducing infidelity to sexual incompatibility or relationship issues and labelling ongoing extra-marital sexual relations as sex addiction - a sickness to be treated - ignores the fact that infidelity itself is abuse and ignores the role that infidelity plays in a larger pattern of abusive behaviour. Inherent in the act of infidelity is chronic lying, scheming, manipulation, blame shifting and duplicity which are all psychological patterns of abusive behaviour. In addition, the unfaithful spouse may be depleting the family bank account to pay for gifts and dinners for affair partners or for pornography and paying people who work in prostitution (financial abuse).

Furthermore, the unfaithful spouse can be routinely and negligently choosing to risk their marriage partner’s sexual health by potentially exposing them to sexually transmitted infections (physical abuse) with long term physical consequences, for example, HIV. This behaviour also knowingly takes away the faithful partner’s right to make decisions around their sexual health or actively practice safe sex.

This abuse of power (through secrecy) and control (through lies and manipulation), denies the faithful partner the ability to make their own informed choices. It also points to the unfaithful partner’s sense of entitlement expressed through their complete disregard for their partner’s wellbeing: blocking their partner’s prerogative to leave a faithless marriage, and tricking faithful partners into participating in a happy family pretence - a sham, a lie. The unfaithful partner knowingly remains in the one-up position, while the faithful partner ignorantly remains subjugated"

www.restoredrelationships.org/news/2016/10/14/infidelity-or-domestic-abuse/

I think it's natural to feel this way when you've been betrayed. End it.

He has done something wrong. He's refused to respect your choice not to be in a relationship with him. Doesn't that make you really furious? You said it's over and he just trampled all over your decision as if your wishes didn't matter at all. That's a dumping offence in itself.

Think of this: he doesn't even have to have "done anything wrong" for you to end it. You can end it any time you want to because no-one has the right to make you stay with them. He could be a perfect saint but you could still leave him because he didn't suit you. This man doesn't make you feel good. It's not your job in life to stay with him so he can feel good, when you don't. So just take your own life into your own hands, make that choice and try to stop feeling guilty about it. It's not your fault that you're a nice person who doesn't want to hurt someone you care about. What a pity he isn't the same!

How do you know he's done nothing wrong lately?
He doesn't make you feel good. He's pressuring you to get back with him.
If he had any regard for your feelings, he'd leave you alone.

You really need to dump him, and leave him dumped.

So basically in my eyes we have been together 2 years.
We started dating and then xmas 2 years ago I found out he had still been seeing and sleeping with his ex, he promised me it was me he loved and he would stop seeing her and then in the February I found out he was still seeing her. Again he won me back and then he went away for 6 months. I trusted him when he was there blah blah.
Then xmas last year I found out he had been sleeping with a girl while he was away, the girl he told me not to worry about they were just friends. Again he managed to win me back. But 3x since xmas last year I split up with him he went back to either of those girls for a night.
We don't live together no.
It's just when he makes me feel loved it's like nothing I have experienced before!

I'm sure - but it's smoke and mirrors! He's basically been unfaithful to you from the outset. And you don't actually know there haven't been other girls or other shags - you only have his word for it that there haven't, and he's shown himself to be economical with the truth on occasion. What if your mistrust of him is actually your gut instincts telling you there IS something going on?

Trust me OP as someone who has just left an abusive relationship I totally get how you're feeling. They make you feel like you could never live without them or feel that kind of love again but that is a way of them controlling you. It will be hard to start with I'll be honest but you just have to stay strong❤️you can do this

That's a good point!

My gut has never been wrong with him before!

It's a horrible feeling being this paranoid the whole time.

I just wish when I said I'm not happy I don't want to be with you he would accept it as it would make this a lot easier!

I just don't have the energy to be strong and fight against all the promises

He doesn't love you, you're just one of his many women. You're paranoid because he's cheating scum. It's only been two years - get away before you end up pregnant and stuck with him.

I just don't have the energy to be strong and fight against all the promises

Of course you do, you're just making excuses now. You know full well all the promises are empty, so they're meaningless. I think you are more than capable of standing up to empty promises that have no weight.

Nobody here (except an abusive person) is going to tell you to stay if that's what you're hoping for.

I feel really sad for you if this is what you think being loved looks like or feels like.

People who love you don't cheat on you, don't disrespect you, don't deliberately hurt you, don't refuse to listen to you, don't manipulate you, don't gaslight you, don't try to inflict pain on you, don't make threats.

Is that how you show love to others?

Ultimately, you have to make a decision. Do you want your life to be painful and toxic forever, or do you want your life to be happy and stable even if it means a temporary period of hurt and healing?

That's down to you. But if you're not prepared to take the steps you need to in order to reach a better life, then nobody here can help you. Nobody can stop him abusing you or stop it damaging you.

Honestly, reading all your posts I think the reason "blocking never works" is because you don't want it to. You don't want to move on and make life better for yourself. You want him to beg, you want to be promised the world (how many worlds does he owe you by now? How many have you received?), you want him to make wild declarations of love that are not supported by his actions and you want an excuse to continue the relationship. You're not trying or meaning to end it.

If you get genuinely wanted to end it and give yourself a real chance of something better, you would not engage with him after ending things. Your decision would be the end of discussion. He would be blocked on everything. You would never speak to him on the phone again. You would never meet in person again. You would never have any contact with him.

If you genuinely want to end it, that's what you do.

Your life sounds shit and miserable. Why don't you feel bad for yourself for living like this or for the future you're throwing away by continuing with this abusive man?!

Look up trauma bonding. Those feelings you describe aren't love, they're the result of abuse.

And then do the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Then your next relationship can be a happy, healthy one.

^^ Take the good advice, from katalavenete.

Remember that the promises he gave you before were lies.
Any promises he gives in future will be lies.

You have not been together for two years - he has been shagging around with several girls, including you, during that two years.

He will be giving the same promises lies to all of you.

@katalavenete

I think you have hit the nail on the head there!
I feel flattered when he is chasing me and wanting me back...why? I don't know why? How do I finally say no and stop wanting him to fight?

The thing is I so wanted him to be my future that I keep thinking things will get better everytime he promises me stuff I think yes this could be it but nothing changes!
I wanted this to work out so bad as I basically left my husband of 13 years for him (we were having trouble no affair) and now this has happened I think that's why I have let it go on for so long! I'm gutted I guess and I can't not be at the moment! I don't know how to just accept I left a decent man for a pig and move on with life!

I want a better life I'm just messed up I guess!

Ah, so you ended your marriage for him. That explains a lot.

So even though you know he’s a lying, cheating, gaslighting, abusive scum bag - you can’t walk away.

Sunken costs fallacy - google it.

Dump his sorry arse. Get yourself some counselling and don’t date again until you have worked on your self esteem and boundaries.

Excellent post, @katalavenete.

OP, I really think you'd benefit from being single for a while to give you time to process everything that's happened and make up your mind that you deserve far better!

Tell him you don't want a relationship and block him from all modes of contact. If he turns up don't let him into the house. If he won't go away or repeatedly turns up phone the police.

He's so toxic.

Ugh OP he sounds awful though? The things he says are emotionally abusive and manipulative and he has you wrapped around his finger. The only person that can break that is you, or you will be stuck in this cycle.

He is full of shit, he's traumatised you and you are not a psycho. People who love respect and care for people don't cheat on them, they don't better their self esteem and they don't do it multiple times seeing the effect it's had on the other person.

You are not stuck. You have been played, he is not worth any of this - he's not the guy for you OP. Or for anyone really you won't find one person on here that would want him.

I know I need to be single for a while I'm just scared I guess!

One minute I'm excited to start a fresh and be on my own and concentrate on me and then the next minute I'm terrified!

I can't afford counselling right now but hoping to one day!

First step is getting him out my life....it's just so hard as I have no family or friends near me really. I'm completely on my own and I'm scared

He's the Sheikh of Araby man with the golden dick and you're just one of his harem.

As a serial cheater he'll convince some poor woman i.e YOU that she's the love of his life but he'll always have a reserve and he'll always have his eye out for any others he can add to his collection.

He'll still be getting his leg over with randoms chasing after women into his dotage because his ego is insatiable and variety is the name of his game.

You need to recognise that he's the equivalent of mad, bad, and dangerous to know and that there's nothing to be gained from continuing this liaison - in fact there's everything to be lost because while you stay hooked on him you're blocking any opportunity for you to meet honourable men.