A MIL one- but this time it's me, not her

[Thistledew]

I'm having problems getting on with my MIL, but I know the issue lies with me not her. She is a perfectly nice person and does an awful lot for us, but I'm just finding it increasingly difficult to be in her presence and I know that I am not being a pleasant person as a result. I would like to change this if possible.

We spend a lot of time together. From when DS was about 11 months old she offered to help look after him so that I could return to work. She offered three days per week, every fortnight. I am self employed so could arrange my work however I want. She lives at some distance from us so this means that she comes to stay from Monday afternoon to Friday morning. Now DS is three, this has gone down to two days a week as he is in nursery three day, so she come now from Tuesday evening to Friday morning.

I just find her presence really irritating. There is nothing awful that she does but we just have quite different ways of communicating that are not particularly compatible.

Things started to break down properly last winter when I had a period of getting a series of illnesses. I find that when I am not feeling well I have a tendency to withdraw into myself and I don't have energy for interacting with other people. She on the other hand is far more social and doesn't really understand the introverted personality. Things did improve a bit when DS started 3 days a week at nursery as I found it much easier that she was coming for the shorter time, but they have again deteriorated as I am now pregnant and battling first trimester fatigue so am again short of energy.

I am grateful for all she does for us. I love it that DS has such a close relationship with her and it is for that reason that I don't want to stop her coming (affording paid child care is not the issue).

Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can get myself to appreciate her more and not be so irritated?

I’d use nursery instead.

I honestly don’t know anyone who would want their MIL around that much even if she is nice. I can barely cope with one visit a week. She’s basically living with you and it’s just a recipe for disaster.

I like category's suggestion as to how to break this arrangement because really its not working out for you and she also. She's taken on too much.

Both you and DH need to present a united front here. Your DH should also be dealing with his mother; its his mother who is the driving force behind all this. Nothing was really going to stop her caring for your firstborn child.

What is she doing to those blinds?. She's pulling those like she is trying to ring in the New year or something?. I would remove these and replace them with curtains. She also seems willfully ignorant here (she wants to do it her way rather than the way in which the blinds are operated) and I would think she does not break things as readily or as much in her own home. Doing this also costs you, and in turn her son, money to replace broken items.

How does she behave around and in front of her son?.
Boundaries here have and are being blurred left, right and centre and its you Thistledew who is paying the price here for all this. Not your MIL or even your H. You do have a voice here; use it more.

Re category 2's comment:-

"You might feel better able to cope with her in the meantime if you knew it was coming to an end".

Indeed.

One day a week childcare which is more than enough for her when it'll be two kids. She'll be knackered.
Reduces a night. Still helps you out and you'd still have to have her anyway as a visitor even if she does no childcare.

I agree with katewhinesalot cut it to one day a week when the new baby comes or could it be a longer afternoon on day of arrival then a long morning on day of departure so only staying one night once s fortnight when new baby comes ? You will have maternity leave as a natural break . You can't carry on like this or your unusually good relationship will be spoiled.

I would just be blunt and explain to her that your an introvert at times, she is family, not a guest who you have to tiptoe around, it’s your house so being forward but nice is the only solution imo.

Does she parent your ds when you are around?
My mil used to and it drove me nuts..

Sorry OPbut your updates make you sound odd and unkind

The haircut comments were purely conversational with no hidden criticism or meaning- just silly casual very typical things.
She sounds like she tries so hard eg being grateful when you cook but you seem irritated by her very existence

I actually feel really sad for her now as she clearly adores your DS and has made huge effort to be a very loving hands on granny.

Do you realise how petty you sound?

The issue here is her staying for days at your home. You keep ignoring this and trying being up 'issues' about her behaviour when there are none.

Pay for childcare like everyone else does and stop moaning.

Where’s your DH in all of this?

Maybe you could confide in him in terms not of your MiL’s Begay, but your need for downtime on your own.

But I know what you mean re breaking things. My lovely well-meaning mother has this propensity although not at my house, but at my sister’s. I think because my mother is a bit nervous of my BiL.

I don't have an answer for you but I just wanted to comment that reading your posts makes me feel less awful about my relationship with my MIL. because she lives a 5 hour plane journey away, we either go there for 2-3 weeks, or she comes here for 4-5.
I think living in close quarters to anyone for over 2-3 days gets a bit much so totally see where you're coming from!

I think it's hard when you have a guest too much of the time. It's not the same as live g with your partner. You feel like you have to be polite and entertain them and Male sure they're ok.

The examples of the blind - many are a bit tricky and I have a friend who can never open a gate for example. It's really easy but she has a mental block about it. I'd put curtains in for her.

Anyway, I don't think either of you are the problem but it would be better if you just used childcare. If you can't afford it, then look to set up an office in the garden like someone suggested.

That's rather my point- all of the 'issues' I have with things she says or does are not significant or nasty or wrong per se, but I just find them irritating.

I was hoping to find a way to get over my irritation, but it is comforting that others have said that they would also feel overwhelmed with having someone living with them part time.

Unfortunately, I don't think bringing the childcare to an end is a solution. She would be devastated and she doesn't deserve that. I think that she will want to form the same close bond with DS2 so I think saying that we will just use paid childcare will be really upsetting for her.

I do take the point about tweaking my work patterns so that I am physically not at home so often might be the way forward.

The ironic thing with DH is that pre- DC I actually encouraged him to be a lot more patient with his mother and their relationship significantly improved as a result. Now, I can understand why he was often quite short with her!

Why did you encourage him to be more patient with his mother?. That was not your job nor actually your relationship. Not all relations are nice and kind and your husband’s mother is perhaps not as nice as you thought she was.

It is not nice for another person, even a relative, to make you feel irritated in your own home.

I would also think she is going to feel annoyed at you rather than devastated (?) if you choose alternate childcare for your newborn. You are not responsible for the feelings of another person, being so will just give you yet more anxiety.

Have you discussed any of this with your DH?

My in-laws live in the US and come visit for a minimum of a month. This summer they stayed with us for five and a half weeks. I feel your pain.

I honestly think the difficulty lies in your MIL being in your home so much.

She isn't doing anything 'wrong' you are just resenting her being in your space.....which is completely understandable but it needs to be addressed before your relationship with her is irrevocably damaged.

You should think about sucking it up and paying for childcare and reducing the length and frequency of the visits.

Attila - I encouraged him to be more patient as she is part of my family (by marriage). If there is opportunity to improve a family relationship I don't see why I would not work on it. That is why I would still rather work on my relationship with her now than make us more estranged.

She would be very upset if she doesn't have such a close relationship with DS1 and I'm sure she will be the same with DS2. She loves children, has worked with them most of her working life and literally rearranged her life moving about 40 miles to enable her to come down to us regularly. She absolutely adores DS and (apart from letting him watch a little more TV than I permit) her care for him is faultless.

Would the meal time thing be helped by putting food in serving dishes so she can help herself (or not) so you don’t get involved in the serving of her food? The breaking things could very well be connected to her arthritis, my mum tended to fumble things when the arthritis in her thumbs got bad- I could imagine her struggling with the blind.

I think very definitely shutting yourself away to work either at home or somewhere else is the answer. An office down the garden sounds wonderful. My brother has one-I am green with envy!

She's manipulated you rather well hasn't she OP?
Got you thinking that she's some sort of saint and has convinced you that you're responsible for her feelings.

From when DS was about 11 months old she offered to help look after him so that I could return to work
So she was pushy with you from the get-go despite YOU not needing that kind of childcare.
she comes to stay from Monday afternoon to Friday morning
She basically LIVES with you ALL WEEK!
Now DS is three, this has gone down to two days a week as he is in nursery three day, so she come now from Tuesday evening to Friday morning
She's still in your house ALL WEEK!
How unbelievably overbearing!

It was entirely her choice to set up the childcare in that way. She offered- in fact almost requested - to come 3 days a week and actually moved house so she is nearer a train station to be able to facilitate it
Well, she was determined to do exactly as she pleased - she just made it sound like she was doing you a favour when really it's all been about what SHE wants.
She isn't 'nice'....she's pushy, manipulative and overbearing.

I had a quiet day work wise so took DS to his swimming class that normally we can only get to every fortnight. MIL asked to come along
Well of course - why should YOU be allowed to spend any time alone with your own child?
It probably cuts her inside to know that you have dc to yourself on the weekends....or does she maneuver her way into that too?

She suddenly commented that DS's hair is getting long (fair enough, he's due a haircut in the next few weeks) and said "His hair does grow very quickly, doesn't it". I didn't immediately respond as my brain was trying to quickly audit whether saying "No, it has just been 6 weeks since it was last cut. That's fairly normal" was an unnecessarily curt reply, when she jumped back in and said "Or have I just missed a haircut?"
And there you have it!
She thinks she's the parent and that she has the right to be involved in them - if not calling the shots.
She's even got you doubting your own judgement over a reasonable response.

She might display the facade of a cheery, ever-so-helpful grandma but she isn't.
She sounds like a self absorbed narcissist and is manipulative enough to run rings round all of you.
She has left you thinking like you can't lay down reasonable boundaries - cos it will 'upset' her.
Classic emotional blackmail on her part.

I think you need some time away from her to get your head straight.
She's using 'childcare' to manipulate and control you.
The fact that you can't see any of this and don't feel able to assert your boundaries says she's been doing a pretty good job of it.

That's a very cynical view of human nature SavingSpaces, and not one I share.

There's so little mention of your husband in all this. Why does the childcare fall to the women. Why must it be you or his mother. Can he reduce his hours at work? Do any of you see it as his responsibility?

From what you have written it clear that you are all good people that get along reasonably well. But it is natural after this length of time to be finding this situation wearing.
I think you are underestimating the value your MIL is getting from this arrangement. She is meeting I imagine many of her needs. She is doing something she loves, feels useful, is a boost to her self esteem and is probably something she always wished she could do. Also it provides structure and possibly reduces her living costs if she has retired. The reason I think this is she came up with this scheme and moved house to facilitate it which is slightly OTT.
You are now in the perfect position being pregnant to change this to what works for you. Remember it you house, your children and explain it in anyway you think will be received the best.
I honestly think if you don’t change it it will change anyway but maybe won’t be as well received because looking after two children is very different to one and it is likely she won’t manage as well and you will have to step in and cancel it altogether

Fuck be, @SavingSpaces2019! I’m glad i’m not in your head! Or, for that matter, your family!

'She might display the facade of a cheery, ever-so-helpful grandma but she isn't.
She sounds like a self absorbed narcissist and is manipulative enough to run rings round all of you.'

Bloody hell

There's some scary folk in this world

And I don't mean grandma