A MIL one- but this time it's me, not her

[Thistledew]

I'm having problems getting on with my MIL, but I know the issue lies with me not her. She is a perfectly nice person and does an awful lot for us, but I'm just finding it increasingly difficult to be in her presence and I know that I am not being a pleasant person as a result. I would like to change this if possible.

We spend a lot of time together. From when DS was about 11 months old she offered to help look after him so that I could return to work. She offered three days per week, every fortnight. I am self employed so could arrange my work however I want. She lives at some distance from us so this means that she comes to stay from Monday afternoon to Friday morning. Now DS is three, this has gone down to two days a week as he is in nursery three day, so she come now from Tuesday evening to Friday morning.

I just find her presence really irritating. There is nothing awful that she does but we just have quite different ways of communicating that are not particularly compatible.

Things started to break down properly last winter when I had a period of getting a series of illnesses. I find that when I am not feeling well I have a tendency to withdraw into myself and I don't have energy for interacting with other people. She on the other hand is far more social and doesn't really understand the introverted personality. Things did improve a bit when DS started 3 days a week at nursery as I found it much easier that she was coming for the shorter time, but they have again deteriorated as I am now pregnant and battling first trimester fatigue so am again short of energy.

I am grateful for all she does for us. I love it that DS has such a close relationship with her and it is for that reason that I don't want to stop her coming (affording paid child care is not the issue).

Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can get myself to appreciate her more and not be so irritated?

Blimey OP I think you are amazing to have coped with it this long!

I love my mum (no MIL to compare) but couldn’t live with her for four days alternate weeks as she is a bit like your MIL with the opinions and comments. It really starts to grate on me if I have to listen to it for prolonged periods.

In fact having anyone else at all in the house regularly overnight would send me over the edge. Lots of us really value our space at home and having that disrupted can actually be really detrimental to mental health.
We had a friend stay for a fortnight recently when their lodgings fell through and I struggled massively.

I think this situation is untenable and when you have a newborn you will need space and peace at home.

The new baby may be the ideal time to bring the arrangement to an end

Could she see your eldest at the weekend alternate weeks instead? Maybe he could go stay with her fri-sun so he can still have his bond but you don’t have to host?

I asked about the time you found her most irritating, because I know I have to be careful when staying with family and friends because I am a complete morning person and potentially very irritating before breakfast and you say she goes to bed early so she might be the same. I have trained myself not to chat over the years.

No, not all people are toxic at all but parents really do need to take a good long and hard look at who they invite into their home when it comes to relatives doing childcare. If clear boundaries are not defined at the start all sorts of problems ensue. Some people are really not up to childminding in the longer term for all sorts of reasons and some do this for the wrong reasons too.

What do you make of the broken possessions?.

She sounds amazing

Sorry but she does.

I'm sure and hope you pay her In some way for all she's done for your family.

My suggestion is let her just enjoy her GC now, Maybe take them out for fun activities and just be with them rather than having to literally move in every week to babysit. I'd hate that if I were either of you.

I'd certainly suggest a nanny or au pair now you have another dc on the way.

Why not cut it down to one day a week? Your DS still gets to spend some time with her, and you get to spend less time with her.

What were the reasons for her helping in the first place financial or just to create a bond. Its sounds like she has really helped and although its hard as she is in your space it seems mean to suggest this is her fault its you thats changed how you feel
Why dont you suggest and take your DS to her every other weekend for him to stay with her. You will get a break and she still gets to see him. Create a distance and break the current arrangment then re evaluate what you will do once your new baby is here after the brain fog stage.

I couldn't cope with anyone in my house that much, no matter who they were, it's a kind offer but it's quite intrusive to normal daily family life. I would pay for standard childcare (and did!) Let her come for nights when you and DH want to go out for dates etc. That's what my mum did when we lived away, it was a huge support to know we'd have regular breaks and time together, was nice for my mum too who saw them less.

If this type of childcare is what works for you in practical terms then you need to find a way which allows you to have proper space away that you can escape to.

Could you put a home office in the garden? A space you could escape to. Grown up space: no toys, a desk, a chair, file storage. Keep it locked even if you are in it so you arent burst in on by enthusiastic children or MiL.

It doesnt need to be large. I have a shed in my garden where I do one of my hobbies (not cycling!). It's 6*8 so only room for one person. If it wasnt kitted out for my hobby it could easily be kitted out to take desk, chair and a filing cabinet.

Space you could get away to might help to allow you to interact with MiL then escape to rebuild your energy. Having rebuilt your energy you will then be stronger for another period of time with MiL.

It was entirely her choice to set up the childcare in that way. She offered- in fact almost requested - to come 3 days a week and actually moved house so she is nearer a train station to be able to facilitate it. We keep checking every 6 months so so that she is still happy with the arrangements and she confirms she is. I know she was initially a bit put out when we arranged for DS to go to nursery three days per week rather than two, but the change is partly in preparation for him starting school next year so it's largely for his best interests.

It was very convenient for us initially as in the first year that I was back to work I was spending a week a month with my parents as my dad was terminally ill and mum was caring for him at home, so paying for childcare would have been a burden as we would have had to pay even when I was away and not working.

In the light of new dc on way I would stop the childcare element from her now and just let her enjoy her GC.

'It was entirely her choice to set up the childcare in that way. She offered- in fact almost requested - to come 3 days a week'

And you let her

You facilitated it

I'd never have any family member living in my home for childcare. Unpaid or not.

She was really determined to look after your first born wasn't she; too determined to my mind and that is not healthy. Your wishes were subsumed by her desire to childmind for days on end.

Checking every six months as well that she (and how about including your own selves in this, do you have no say) is happy with the arrangements needs to be changed also to monthly meeting.

Unfortunately, one of the flash points for irritation is around meal times. MIL has somewhat disordered eating (never diagnosed with an eating disorder but there are frequent times when her eating patterns are really not good). I've almost given up cooking for her even though I really enjoy cooking and feel this is a way of me treating her as part of the family because she has gone through a couple of phases this year of not eating, or if saying that she doesn't want to eat with us but then when the food is prepared suddenly being hungry and wanting it.

One example of an irritation is that she will be just as effusive in her praise when I serve up something plain that has taken no effort at all (eg baked potato with spinach and cheese, she is vegetarian) "Oh this looks lovely! Really delicious. Thank you, it's wonderful!" As when I have taken time to cook something much more intricate such as a vegetable curry. I know it shouldn't irritate me, but it does!

Or another example is something that can pop up at anytime. I think that often she likes to talk just for the sake of talking, and if I don't join in with sufficient enthusiasm she gets flustered and just comes out with nonsense-

For example, just the other day, I had a quiet day work wise so took DS to his swimming class that normally we can only get to every fortnight. MIL asked to come along. We had a good morning and were getting on fine. She suddenly commented that DS's hair is getting long (fair enough, he's due a haircut in the next few weeks) and said "His hair does grow very quickly, doesn't it". I didn't immediately respond as my brain was trying to quickly audit whether saying "No, it has just been 6 weeks since it was last cut. That's fairly normal" was an unnecessarily curt reply, when she jumped back in and said "Or have I just missed a haircut?" I'm then just left completely befuddled and not knowing how to respond other than to say "What are you on about?" so I say nothing and she retreats, hurt that I have not engaged at all with her attempts to chat, and the atmosphere between us is again dampened.

I really think this is an illustration of the problems that are caused by our different communication styles and I don't know how to fix it.

I agree with the others: cut it back and used paid help for the new baby. With DS going to school, it was naturally going to come to an end anyway. If you want to avoid offending her, adjust the hours now so she only has one over night stay and rent some desk space for your work in the interim.

AttilaTheMeercat asked if I have problems being assertive around her- I don't think this is an issue. The problem I have is to bite my tongue and not pull her up when she says or does something that I find irritating. I don't feel intimidated or inferior to her at all.

I will say something if it is important- such as when she got all flustered when putting on DS's cycle helmet as she "didn't know how to do it" so ended up putting it on backwards. I do also speak up, for example, when she helpfully suggests that we try something new to manage DS (such as lighting him at night to use the potty to eliminate bed wetting), when we have told her about a month previously that this is something we had already instigated.

But I do try and bite my tongue for the minor irritations as there is no point further souring the atmosphere by constantly criticising her.

The breaking stuff is odd. I'm sure she doesn't mean to, but sometimes I do wonder. She has some arthritis in her hands so often says that gripping things tightly is painful. She will therefore invent her own way of doing things and use things slightly differently from how they are designed to work. Fair enough, but often this doesn't actually reduce the amount or type of grip strength needed. It just means that things are more likely to be damaged.

On my goodness, that’s my mother as well! She’s always been a bit overweight and seems very ashamed of it. So she always says she’s not hungry, doesn’t want to eat anything. She sometimes offers to cook and if you let her, she’ll serve up massive portions for everyone else then eat a single lettuce leaf herself or something, so we learned not to let her cook but to cook ourselves, at which point after saying she isn’t hungry and doesn’t fancy it, she’ll eat a huge portion.

As you say, it’s disproportionately irritating, even when you know it comes from a place of feeling bad about themselves/poor mental health. It became intolerable when she was visiting my poor sister shortly after she had her first baby and made every mealtime into a massive drama that was all about her.

'The breaking stuff is odd. I'm sure she doesn't mean to, but sometimes I do wonder'

After reading your posts, re her general nervousness etc as well as the arthritis I'm not at all surprised she breaks things.

I actually feel quite sorry for her

Me too Martha - which is why I don't want to cut her out of childcare as I know she would be desperately upset. I do feel quite sad that I don't have a close relationship with her, but I'm starting to come round to the idea that just creating as much physical distance as possible would be the only way to improve things generally.

An example of breaking things- there are blinds in her room that require you to pull the cord from one side to the other to raise or lower them. We showed her how to do this when they first went in. Somehow, she tries to do this different and so kept pulling off the decorative front which hides the blinds workings. Even when I attached them with fixings that were supposed to be able to take a load of 5kg! She would claim that her hands make it difficult to use them as designed, but actually in pulling on them in the way she does actually requires more force.

Or she doesn't keep track of small but critical parts of DS's toys so DH and I have to spend ages searching the house for them after she has tidied up.

I'm just venting now, but perhaps it is helping in letting go of the irritation. I don't like to lumber DH with it as it isn't important in the grand scale of things and it's not fair for him to be stuck in the middle of us.

It's also difficult to gauge how much her health issues are a problem for her. She has a tendency to make a fuss over minor ailments and then to underplay more serious ones.

So last winter when I had a series of colds she was continuously asking me if I felt awful, if my cold was getting worse, if I needed to see a doctor about my cough (No. it's just a cold. Just let me get on with ignoring it and it will go away). But then when I came down with a nasty virus and nearly blacked out and was sick when I got up in the night to see to DS (still breastfeeding) she asked me in the morning "So, do you think you are coming down with a bit of a cold?"

OP your MiL sounds lovely and you clearly appreciate everything she does for you but it is difficult to share a house for 2 nights a week with someone other than your DP.

I love my DM and we talk often, however we have different personalities- she likes a gossip, and I'm not interested so constantly say ' mom I couldn't care less what xx is doing'. I couldn't live with her for 2 nights every week.

I think it would be better if you put up with it for the time being and then end the arrangement when you go on maternity leave. This wouldn't hurt her feelings, and would seem more natural. But that depends if you can put with it for that long.

Probably the best way forward is to use the new baby's arrival as a breakpoint for this arrangement.

Presumably you'll be on maternity leave and she won't be coming for a while? So, make arrangements going forward for childcare that don't include her. Explain it as a done deal and sweeten the pill by doing a daily grandma FaceTime with the dc or something.

With the new baby coming and your eldest starting school it's a good opportunity to revisit arrangements anyway. Would it help if she came Thurs-Sun every fortnight so your dh is around more? Staying in an AirBnB (altho if she goes to her room in the evening that may not solve anything)

Or you say we think it's getting too much for you, you keep breaking things, pieces of toys get lost, let's stop the childcare before something terrible happens and we all fall out and you come and visit as grandma.

You might feel better able to cope with her in the meantime if you knew it was coming to an end.

You know you don’t have to sound so apologetic for not wanting someone in your house, even if that’s your mil! Part of the joy of being an adult is that you have your own space and can choose who you want to share it with, you don’t need a reason not to enjoy someone’s company!

There’s no way in hell I could cope with this arrangement. Too much! I’d still have a relationship with her of course but it’s living with her at the moment!