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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner broke up with me out of the blue last weekend, now wants to try again.

75 replies

Rosecat22 · 27/09/2019 09:16

could do with some advice/ experience from people who have been either side of this situation.

I’ve been with D (25) for almost 3 years now, a year and a half of that has been spent living together with a friend of ours in a pretty small house. Our relationship in general has been good, no real arguments to speak of, we have plenty in common, similar outlooks in life etc. This is both of ours longest relationship.

This summer has been a bit tough. I’ve been working crazy overtime and things have been a bit distant for a while, but I’ve been checking in with him on this and he told me that it was due to us never seeing each other etc. Our housemate bought a house and moved out last weekend, and I saw this as a chance for us finally to have our own space and to build things back up to where they were before.

Unfortunately, boyfriend sat down on Sunday and told me he no longer felt the same way for me and didn’t see a future for us; he was still happy when we were together but it was like something was gone for him. I left the house immediately and started looking for my own place.

He came to me yesterday and begged me to talk, said he’d made a horrible mistake. His mum and best friend have said he’s done nothing but cry and tell them he made the wrong choice for the last few days. He is saying that he had some doubts a few months back but instead of talking them through or tackling them he just let them fester- daily life was dull and he wasn’t excited about seeing me anymore. He let himself drift away and stopped putting effort into the relationship instead of working on what we had. He now wants to try again, but he has said he isn’t sure if he can recapture that feeling of ‘yes I definitely want to spend my life with this person’ but he is desperate to try as he still loves me.

Just wondered if anyone else had experienced this. I am at a loss about what to do.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 27/09/2019 09:22

He “isn’t sure if he can recapture that feeling”? Ha, classic!
So he’s setting you up to jump through hoops, on probation, and trying to earn his approval and a long term relationship with him as the prize for being sufficiently compliant?
Who the fuck does he think he is?
Tell him you can’t “recapture the feeling” either. Then dump him.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 27/09/2019 09:28

So, he's still not sure you have a future together but he's a bit bored by himself so he'd quite like to you stick around while he thinks about it? What's in it for you? You get to hang around for another year or two with someone who wants you to try harder to make him happy because he can't be bothered to work at it himself, all the while wondering if he's just about to break up with you again.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2019 09:31

he made the wrong choice
Yep, he chose the OW and realised the grass is NOT greener.
Twat!
That is his look out.
He shouldn't have cheated on you.
(yes I'm making assumptions but he is totally following 'the script' here)
Be free.
You are so young.
Live your life without this asshole in it.
He will do this again if he thinks something better has come along.
Don't allow him to disrespect you in this way OP.
Get out there and enjoy your freedom.
Time for YOU now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2019 09:32

What the others have written here. Do not accept this from him or any man for that matter.

Be someone's priority rather than an option.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 27/09/2019 09:33

Have I missed a bit hellsbellsmelons? There's no mention at all of cheating or even suspicion of cheating in the OP.

Original poster

Rosecat22 · 27/09/2019 09:35

I genuinely don’t think there is another woman. I’ve been cheated on by a lot of guys and have always clocked it and I am not getting that vibe here at all. He went to our housemates new place on Sunday and has been staying there since then. He tried to reconcile starting from Tuesday so he had all of a day to get his dick wet and change his mind? Housemate is pretty adamant he’s been a mess who has been saying he fucked up basically from Sunday night.

OP posts:

DonKeyshot · 27/09/2019 09:37

The subscript is the relationship has run its course for him but he doesn't want to live alone and is endeavouring to keep you on tap while he casts around for your replacement.

Bin him without further ado as you're worth a lot more than a man who won't commit wholeheartedly to you.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2019 09:37

I'm also wondering if I've missed something or if hellsbells knows the op, as I see nothing to indicate cheating.

People do end relationships for other reasons, especially when young and childless.

SquirrelsInJune · 27/09/2019 09:42

I could possibly forgive if he'd realised that he'd made a mistake and that he now desperately wanted to be with me.

But this? " He now wants to try again, but he has said he isn’t sure if he can recapture that feeling of ‘yes I definitely want to spend my life with this person’ but he is desperate to try as he still loves me."

Nah. He can jog on.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2019 09:44

he no longer felt the same way for me and didn’t see a future for us – I love you but not IN love with you.

it was like something was gone for him – had his head turned

said he’d made a horrible mistake – left then realized the other person either wasn’t as interested or didn’t want any more that what they had.

tell them he made the wrong choice – CHOICE! That’s a slip of the tongue. He chose someone else who then didn’t choose him!

He is saying that he had some doubts a few months back – That’s when he had his head turned.

daily life was dull and he wasn’t excited about seeing me anymore – He was getting excitement elsewhere.

he has said he isn’t sure if he can recapture that feeling of ‘yes I definitely want to spend my life with this person’ – He may do this again at any time when he has his head turned again.

THE SCRIPT!!!!!!
To me it's obvious but then I've been cheated on and can spot this kind of thing from a mile away!

Hanab · 27/09/2019 09:45

You would be doing yourself a disservice and lowering your worth if you went back to him .. that is just my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aussiebean · 27/09/2019 09:46

I wouldn’t go there. Not because I would have thought he was cheating but because he has shown how he deals with boredom and problems. Ie, ignore them, not communicate and leave.

So when you have a busy time, a baby, sick/dying relative or any other time your attention is else where. He will get bored, disengage and leave.

This is a head over heart situation. You don’t want this kind of man as a life partner.

BatmanLovesTheCircus · 27/09/2019 09:55

I don’t think there is an OW. Not every man who ends a relationship has an OW.

To me it sounds like the excitement of the early days faded (totally normal and happens in all relationships) and he was bored with the normal day to day life of a relationship. He expected the frantic shagging, dates and excitement to last forever but it never does, it just changes and becomes (hopefully) something deeper.

I had the exact same thing happen to me at the same age, a bf ended things as he “wasn’t sure what he wanted” and “it wasn’t fun anymore” and the day to day drudgery of living together, doing laundry, cooking dinner and paying bills got boring. It took a few months for him to realise he wanted me back, not a few days, by which point I’d moved on and wasn’t interested any more.

He just sounds immature and like he doesn’t fully understand what a grown up adult relationship looks like yet.

DonKeyshot · 27/09/2019 09:55

My first thought was cherchez la femme but I revised my opinion because he's begging for reconciliation within such a short time of you leaving.

That doesn't mean to say that hellsbells is wrong and I suspect she's nailed it.

userabcname · 27/09/2019 09:55

No I'd bin him. Even his attempt at reconciliation is lukewarm. As pp have said - are you expected to bend over backwards to make things "exciting" for him then? It sounds as though he is trying to make this your fault/ problem when it's clearly not. What happens in a few months / a year when the daily grind takes over again? No, I think this all sounds like way too much effort and I'd be concerned he'd walk again at the merest hint of things getting "dull".

HeddaGarbled · 27/09/2019 09:57

I think what he’s feeling is fairly normal. You’ve been together a long time. He’s bored and doesn’t want to settle for this level of ‘comfortable’ for the rest of his life. But having been brave and made the move, he’s now panicking. What if he doesn’t find anyone else, what if this is as good as it gets, he does care about you, being single is scary after being in a relationship for 3 years.

It’s hard to make the break, easy to just carry on in an OK relationship.

No one is doing anything wrong. It’s hard breaking up with a long-time partner 💐

IceQueenCometh · 27/09/2019 10:02

@hellsbellsmelons that was exactly what I thought when I read the post.

OP, I think you deserve better.

DustMyselfOff · 27/09/2019 10:05

Oh god. This is almost exactly what happened ti me about 3 weeks ago. Only we've been together 15 years and have 2 children. Guess what - we gave it another try on his instigation but within 2 days it was obvious he didn't really want to be there and by the ens of the week i was checking his phone and found pretty much what the cynics above might suggest. So i ended it. Hive it another go if you feel you want to, just so you don't have any regrets, but make sure it's him who knows he has to put the effort in, not you.

BrightonRox · 27/09/2019 10:07

I had the 'something has gone for me' script too. Cue months of me waiting it out. He would come home and cry saying he wanted to try etc, but didn't know what to do.

Then I found out there was the OW.

This is the man who didn't have any time to have an OW, but it all happened at work.

However, if there is no OW in the equation, I'd still not bother accepting this reconciliation. You definitely deserve better either way.

poorbuthappy · 27/09/2019 10:09

He's had his head turned and either been turned down or as pp put it realised very quickly the grass isn't greener.

You have a choice, dig and find out, ignore and decide whether to dig and find out next time.
Because there will be a next time.

greenwitch1 · 27/09/2019 10:09

People do end relationships for other reasons, especially when young and childless

This. I've never understood why so many people on Mumsnet are all "LTB, there's another woman". Yes, sometimes there is, but actually sometimes people CAN just feel unhappy for other reasons.

As for what you should do.. only you can decide. I mean, regardless of how sorry he is, he's hurt you BADLY so he shouldnt just get away with that. I was ready to say give him another chance until I read this bit but he has said he isn’t sure if he can recapture that feeling of ‘yes I definitely want to spend my life with this person’

That concerns me. Normally if you've split with someone and then you want to try again, it's because you want them back in your life and can't imagine life without them. Whereas he seems to be saying "I think I've made a mistake because I miss you, but I'm not sure if I want you back permanently". Hmm

I think a lot more talking is needed however I'd be inclined to leave him to stew/think for a bit longer first. Maybe have another week apart and then get together and talk and then see how you both feel. If he seems like he genuinely wants to try again and wants to be together I'd maybe agree to try again but if he's still saying 'I want you now but I'm not sure about the future' then nope I'd cut my losses and move on.

brassbrass · 27/09/2019 10:09

Nah. He can jog on.

This with bells on. You are SO young with so many possibilities in front of you. You deserve so much better than a limp reconciliation only to find yourself dumped in a few months time with another lame excuse. He's shown you what he's worth.

Amazonfromkent · 27/09/2019 10:10

From my personal experience, don't. I've done it and got dumped again, again and again and every time he'd come back and then dump me again. It's a waste of life and hopes.

Original poster

Rosecat22 · 27/09/2019 10:13

I am not expected to bend over backwards and make things more exciting no, that hasn’t been part of the only conversation we have had about this. He has been very willing to admit to his faults and basically fessed up to all of his failings as a partner and has self realised that he should have done something when he started feeling this way, he also admits that he should have discussed things with me but has followed his dads example and just carried on bumbling along instead of making changes.

I agree that his actions and expectations around long term relationships have been pretty childish. He said he had a few doubts about whether or not we were compatible in the long term a few months back and things spiralled from there; I was unhappy with my job (which was negatively affecting our relationship due to my long commute) and wasn’t doing anything about it, and wasn’t learning to drive so he started to worry that I was the kind of person who just let things stay shit without doing anything (ironic, I know). He also decided he wanted kids and thought that I didn’t (we’d both said before that kids were a maybe but neither of us were fussed).

His behaviour hasn’t been ideal. He’d need to work really fucking hard for me to want to give it a go again.

OP posts:

BrightonRox · 27/09/2019 10:24

He also decided he wanted kids and thought that I didn’t (we’d both said before that kids were a maybe but neither of us were fussed).

When did he say that? In the 'I want you back' speech? OP, I urge you to tread with caution on this. I understand some people can go through a blip in their relationships, but the fact he is being so non-committal on whether he can get his feelings back etc, it's just a massive red flag. What if you do try your hardest to reconcile, you then decide to have a child? It isn't a walk in the park. Having a baby turns your life upside down, it often puts a lot of stress on relationships. What if he suddenly then gets bored with the drudgery of family life...the sleepless nights and trying to parent in a united front.

When my ex pulled his 'something has gone' card out on me and then declared he was 'trying'..I cannot describe the stress and anxiety it gave me. Going from week to week, month to month not knowing whether I was 'enough'. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Then in my case there was an OW...I still wouldn't rule that one out in your case, sorry.

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