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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner broke up with me out of the blue last weekend, now wants to try again.

75 replies

Rosecat22 · 27/09/2019 09:16

could do with some advice/ experience from people who have been either side of this situation.

I’ve been with D (25) for almost 3 years now, a year and a half of that has been spent living together with a friend of ours in a pretty small house. Our relationship in general has been good, no real arguments to speak of, we have plenty in common, similar outlooks in life etc. This is both of ours longest relationship.

This summer has been a bit tough. I’ve been working crazy overtime and things have been a bit distant for a while, but I’ve been checking in with him on this and he told me that it was due to us never seeing each other etc. Our housemate bought a house and moved out last weekend, and I saw this as a chance for us finally to have our own space and to build things back up to where they were before.

Unfortunately, boyfriend sat down on Sunday and told me he no longer felt the same way for me and didn’t see a future for us; he was still happy when we were together but it was like something was gone for him. I left the house immediately and started looking for my own place.

He came to me yesterday and begged me to talk, said he’d made a horrible mistake. His mum and best friend have said he’s done nothing but cry and tell them he made the wrong choice for the last few days. He is saying that he had some doubts a few months back but instead of talking them through or tackling them he just let them fester- daily life was dull and he wasn’t excited about seeing me anymore. He let himself drift away and stopped putting effort into the relationship instead of working on what we had. He now wants to try again, but he has said he isn’t sure if he can recapture that feeling of ‘yes I definitely want to spend my life with this person’ but he is desperate to try as he still loves me.

Just wondered if anyone else had experienced this. I am at a loss about what to do.

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/09/2019 10:30

Relationships shouldn't be this hard OP, especially when you have no real stresses or strains. Put kids, money, bereavement, houses, jobs etc in the mix and then it'll get hard. Will he leg it every time things get tough?

Him saying he doesn't know if he can get that feeling back would be a big red flag for me. If he's unsure I'd suggest he leaves until he's 100% sure he wants to be with you and he feels that way too

Original poster

Rosecat22 · 27/09/2019 10:32

Nope, the very specific discussion was that I had previously said I was ‘eh’ on kids. He had also said this, and I have never wanted to have kids with someone who didn’t know that they wanted them too. He has now been thinking that he definitely does want them and didn’t think I did at all.

He doesn’t want them for 5-10 years, so it’s not a ‘let’s have kids’ situation. I don’t want them anytime soon either (I have a coil, I ain’t happening)

OP posts:

DodgeRainClouds · 27/09/2019 10:32

This happened to me and I was devastated. I amazed myself by not contacting him. A week later he begged me to talk to him (he was genuinely shocked I hadn’t been constantly texting him). We met up and he was really upset saying he couldnt imagine life without me. I agreed to give it another go (I had spent the week heartbroken, crying and not eating so deep down was over the moon he wanted to make it work) The next 6 weeks were the strangest of my life. He was actually quite flippant about how he had broken my heart. He said comments like “well if you can’t get over it...” He would arrange to do thinks with mutual friends and not invite me. I eventually came to realise he got back with me because he felt guilty. His family were shocked and kept questioning his judgement and telling him to be sure he had made the right decision when he ended it. I look back now and can clearly see that he was trying to get me to end it so he didn’t look like the bad guy.

parababe · 27/09/2019 10:33

This happened to me 10 years ago...… I decided not to go back there, even though all in all it was a good relationship. I think we just hit a wall and it was easier at the time to go off individually than try and 'talk things through'. I honestly think neither of us realised that it would actually be 'the end'. But sadly it was. we both at some point over the next year wanted to get back together, but when one wanted to reconcile the other wasn't ready yet and vice versa. fast forward to now. He is married (for about 5 years now) with three children. He is not particularly happily married (she got pregnant within 2 months of them meeting) but he adores his children. We still have contact now (nothing inappropriate) but it is obvious that we both still care deeply for each other. My point is that I regret not trying to work this through at the time. By the time I decided I wanted to be with him it was unfortunately too late, she was pregnant with his child and I stepped back. I am 45, single (but pretty contented with that) we were together for 9 years.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 27/09/2019 10:34

OP, if you want to take him back, you should make him earn it.

Don't allow him to just move straight back in, things back to normal immediately.

He's broken your trust, and the connection you had.

He needs to go back to square one and build it all back - dating, rekindling etc - all of it.

His response to this will tell you how serious he is about you.

I'm about 70/30 he's not cheated.
If he had (or had his head turned), he's pretty young to have reacted to a knock-back/rejection by crawling back to you so quickly.

More likely if he was being tempted outside the relationship he'd remain apart and test the waters a bit more.

palahvah · 27/09/2019 10:37

Are you also 25?

As others have said here, this one isn't worth lowering yourself for.

Branleuse · 27/09/2019 10:40

he wants to leave as soon as he feels a bit bored. Id move on tbh.

Original poster

Rosecat22 · 27/09/2019 10:43

I’m 31. Before I get jumped on for age difference etc, he’s never been the kind of person who wants to go out and get drunk/ fuck around etc. Ever since I met him he’s been aiming towards having a nice home and a settled life, he’s actually very boring in that regard. Hates going out and getting drunk, likes a quiet life with me and his couple of mates and family, so it’s not like I’m gunning for anything super serious that he hasn’t also wanted or that we are at different stages in our lives. I am actually kind of immature for my age in that I am keen to have holidays and go for new things and ‘experience’ the world, much more so than him tbh. He asked me to move in with him etc.

OP posts:

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/09/2019 10:46

He was f**g someone else, it didn't work out and you are plan B.

Sorry to be so direct.

You do not need such a childish and shallow person in your life. Sack him right off.

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/09/2019 10:48

The clue is in "things have been a bit distant for a while,"

check when that was, because that is when OW came in sight.

You are blaming yourself? Overtime? Nope.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2019 10:48

Why is it for some woman they simply can't conceive of a relationship ending for any other reason than the man is cheating?

Whattodoabout · 27/09/2019 10:49

Men very rarely just up and leave suddenly though, there usually is another woman. It doesn’t mean an affair has been going on but can mean they have eyes for someone else. I’m not saying this is always the case but usually is.

I think the ‘magic’ has faded and he’s bored but now he’s actually left and been alone, he’s panicked. He’ll just mess you around and I don’t think the relationship will be the same again. You’re too young for this bullshit.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2019 10:52

The ow blew him out

Flywheel · 27/09/2019 11:04

I think he is trying to decide how serious the relationship is. Commit long term or go your seperate ways. He wants kids (eventaully) and isn't sure you do. If there is no long term future - if you don't want the same things - then it's time for both of you to move on.
I don't think he sounds like a bad guy. At this stage in a relationship you need to think if you have a long term future or not. I think you have a lot of thinking to do yourself. It seems he is ready to settle down, more so than you, hence his doubts. That's not unreasonable.

Aussiebean · 27/09/2019 11:06

So what will he do if you can’t have kids in your 40s?

When do you want to start trying?

Windmillwhirl · 27/09/2019 11:06

I've had doubts about someone and it's not been because my head was turned.

Relationships take work, they can become dull quite easily.

Only you can decide if he is worth another chance. Personally, I'd move on. He must have been pretty sure it was not what he wanted to sit you down and say he wanted out.

They must have been so painful to hear.

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/09/2019 11:07

@Bluntness100

because we have been cheated on and can spot the signs

"Distant for a while" - funny how those of us who LIVED that know exactly what that means!

then the language 'choice' 'not feeling you' etc. Yup.

FilthyBiscuit · 27/09/2019 11:08

I get that he made a mistake and has clearly been upset.
I broke up with my DP earlier this year and within the hour we were back together, I knew I had made a huge mistake as soon as he left, but at the time I was convinced it was the right thing to do.
It doesn't help you but trust your instinct here. It doesn't sound like you are sure either.

Original poster

Rosecat22 · 27/09/2019 11:11

The thing that makes me think it isn’t someone else is that he was immediately on the phone to his mum after I left saying he had made a mistake. He then went to stay with housemate that night and basically told him exactly the same thing that same night. He tried to contact me on Tuesday and Wednesday to talk but I refused to answer, so this OW turning him down would have had to happen really fucking quickly

OP posts:

Lana08 · 27/09/2019 11:12

Sorry OP totally agree with hellsbells and the others this screams OW to me. I am not saying he is having a full blown affair but it could be he has had his head turned and then realised she is not interested.

Could be texting etc that he thought was going to lead to more. I think the crying to his family may be more to do with guilt.
Be very careful. Someone that changes his mind within days isn’t someone that I would be building a life with.

Take care x

MouthyHarpy · 27/09/2019 11:14

He now wants to try again, but he has said he isn’t sure if he can recapture that feeling of ‘yes I definitely want to spend my life with this person’ but he is desperate to try as he still loves me

Speaking from bitter experience - don't go back. Please - just dump.

It will be painful, but remember what he's said. You need someone who loves you wholeheartedly and is not scared of his feelings.

You're only 25. You can do much much better.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/09/2019 11:15

I'm not cherchezing la femme either. I just think he's grown out of you. Then he's panicked (because habits are hard to break overnight) and thought he wanted you back. But I foresee a lot of weird 'trying' if you get back together, with both of you being on your best behaviour and it not being a 'real' relationship because neither of you dare to relax.

Once you relax, and slide out of the 'all this is perfect' stage, all the problems will come back. Let him go, OP. It sounds as though you have your head screwed on right anyway.

AmIThough · 27/09/2019 11:16

Are you sure that your age isn't what made him go? I don't mean to sound awful but you've spoken about kids in 5-10 years. That'd make you 36-41 so conceiving wouldn't be as easy as with somebody his own age.

awesomeaircraft · 27/09/2019 11:24

Sorry this is happening to you OP.

You had a lot of good thoughts on this thread. OW or no OW, I think the key is for you to know what you want. If you need time, take time. There is no rush. You don't have to take him back nor on the same set up as before.

Don't let family, friends, us put pressure on you, because none of us will have to live through the situation. We can only advise from our personal experience.

Original poster

Rosecat22 · 27/09/2019 11:31

Conceiving later when I was a bit older was something he also raised as a potential concern. However, I really don’t want to have kids for at least another 5 years anyway tbh. I am not hugely concerned about my ability to have kids at that point, I have had an accidental pregnancy before (after a single instance of unprotected sex) so I know I’m pretty fertile, and your mid to late thirties hardly makes you ancient and dried up!

OP posts:

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