Had to call the police on my partner. Now mixed feelings about it.

[LuckyBug89]

Hi all,

Never posted before on relationships and I am not really sure what I am hoping to gain from this, maybe some stories of similar. People coming through the other side. Reassurance I have done the right thing. Anyways, please bare with me.

Been with (D)P 4 years, I have 2 children DD (10) and DS (7) with my EXH who for his own reasons has no contact with DC for past 3 years. Me and current partner also have 1 DS (2) together.

DP is a good dad mostly, hard working and we have a normal relationship, minor arguments over house work etc, however when it comes to DS (7) my P has very little patience for any of his behaviour. It's relevant to say at this point that DS is dyspraxic and his emotional age range is closer to 4 or 5 then 7, he's a lovely kid, quite charming and funny but he does have a tendency to really push boundaries, in my opinion with normal kiddie behaviours, especially considering his age range (for example, very hyper moments, loud and screechy, throws massive temper tantrums, especially when tired, can ask you the same question at least 10 times, just rephrasing it each time) and although it can be grating it's nothing earth shattering.

Anyway on with the point, P came home from work today, you could tell by his face he was in a mood, I sorted tea for kids. Bathed and showered them respectively, got them all ready for bed and then after P umming and arghing a bit I got on with making tea for us. DD and youngest DS were running around living room being loud and hyper, I asked repeatedly for them to calm down, DP sat on his phone sat on couch and said nothing to intervene. Sorted tea out, convince youngest DS to sit down with a bottle and calm down and DD went to her room telling middle DS to pack up his Lego as it was nearly time to go to bed.

Middle DS then came downstairs, him and his brother started running around screaming and being generally chaotic. Told them both to calm down and middle DS jumped on to the couch next to me and argued back. I told him to stop, and explained he needs to settle to which he went to answer back, next thing I know DP has stood up from other couch and ragged DS off the couch, not entirely sure what he was planning on doing but I just saw red. I managed to stand up and push DP off DS and DS was dropped back on to the couch. DP then pushed me down on to the couch shouting at me and when I tried to stand back up again he shouted at me and pushed/hit me in the ribs to sit me back down. Then he moved away. I told (screamed at him) to get out. He just laughed and told me to shut up and sat back down. So I picked my phone up and called 999, in what seemed like disbelief my DP got up, went upstairs, changed and started putting his shoes on when he came back downstairs. Whole time youngest DS who witnessed the whole thing is crying and following DP around asking for a cuddle to which DP kept saying "I can't, I have to go, your mother wants me to go". Anyway he left and the police arrived shortly after. DP was picked up by another police officer and arrested for questioning.

Thankfully apart from being a bit shaken and upset all my DC are ok, we had cuddles and they all went to bed no problem. Middle DS was checked over by officer and his scratch marks on his back, probably where DP grabbed his top and ragged him off the couch, police took pics and asked DS some questions and he generally seemed ok, more concerned that his DF was going to be in trouble and wanted to know when he would be home, where was he etc. Police then spent well over an hour questioning me and took a pic of my side, (small bruise to rib area otherwise ok) and then police wanted to speak to DS one final time before leaving. DS has fallen asleep by the point but woke up straight away but then just kept saying he had forgotten and when was daddy coming home. Police left and my BF came over after I called her as I didn't want to be alone.

Had phone call from police later on, quite late actually, saying DP had been bailed, he has admitted assault on a child and that he pushed me but never hit or punch me, still assault though and has been charged. He's not allowed home and we are not to have any contact at all with each other. All his stuff is here, I don't know where he is bailed to but considering his lack of family in the area (his parents and sisters live abroad) I am guessing his is with DGran. Now I have social services calling me and coming round to do an assessment. Everyone keeps telling me I have done the right thing, it's good I reacted so quickly, but I can't help being terrified that I have over reacted and made a mistake. I don't know what to do.

Supposed to be at work all weekend but with no childcare that's not likely to happen, I don't know what to do with DP's stuff and who will come collect as he will need clothes etc for work. My mind is a mess and I am constantly doubting myself. I am not sure what my next steps are. I am waiting for SS to make contact today, I know full well that's DC's school and nursery will be told what's happened. I know SS want to come and do an assessment and decide what level of threat DP is and also CID are deciding if they press formal charges or release with a caution and DP has never had any priors with police for anything.

I guess I don't know what I hope to gain from posting this, I just need to clear my thoughts out and see it written down. Thanks to anyone who has made it this far! I know I have rambled.

You DEFINITELY did the right thing. That man is not your older son's Father and unfortunately, he's shown his true feelings towards him and the fact that you refused to accept that only shows what a good parent you are.

All of your children need protection from this man.

You got it immediately.

When Social Services talk to you just be honest and say how much of a shock it all was...they won't allow your ex to live with you now you know. That's done. If he returned...if you allowed that, they may remove the children.

So don't tell SS you have misgivings. See a counsellor or speak to your GP. Your misgivings are normal. They're because you're a decent person....he however is NOT.

Look what he did! To a child! He must have been storing up hatred all this time.

You did exactly the right thing OP, I'm proud of you.

Good on you for putting you and your children's safety priority! It's not always the easiest thing to do, but definitely the right thing.

Sound like he just snapped, but I'd say there is probably no going back from this and that this is the end of the line for you as a couple. There is a big difference between a push and a punch so I think you need to be clear on that when speaking to police about if he pushed you on to the couch or punched you.? If he pulled DS off sofa and pushed you on to sofa personally I wouldn't of called police but that's just me, if he has no history of aggression. If he is aggressive towards you and kids normally I would of. Regardless it's done now and as I said probably no going back so you just need to prepare to move forward without your partner.

OP social services will see that your priority is your children and will likely suggest supervised contact for youngest DS. Your exP clearly couldn't stand your DS and has made it known, it would permanently damage your older DS if you stayed with this man after this has happened.

I'd pack his stuff up, apply for child maintenance and start speaking to friends and family to get support.

You know that you did the right thing. You also know if you hadn't it would escalate, next time he would hurt someone good and uou know you need to protect your children from him.

Too many women try to talk themselves out of it the first time. Then the second, then the third, till they can't get out of it.

Keep him out. Accept it needs to be over. There can never be violence in your home and your kids can't be subject to it or witness it.

Sending you hugs, OP.

It's totally normal to question if you did the right thing. This isn't a random attack by a stranger, this is abuse from someone you and your DC trusted. That's heartbreaking, messy and awful.

But think back to your instinct at the time. You acted swiftly in response to his violence. You sought help right away to protect you and your family. Think of all the posters here who talk about struggling in an abusive relationship. You did the right thing. And the authorities thankfully dealt with this seriously and swiftly.

This is going to be a tough and disruptive time. But thankfully your DC have you in their corner doing the best you can for them.

Stay strong OP, seek help from you friends and family. xx

Bloody hell what would he have done to your little boy if you hadn't intervened?! I expect he will beg to come back now saying it was a mistake, he didn't mean it, he's stressed out. That's what they all bloody say. He's shown his true colours and I must say his previous attitude towards your son is a massive red flag. Your children are too precious to be exposed to him. It's there anyone who can be with you while he collects his stuff? Don't talk to him, don't engage, don't get drawn in. Now's your chance to get rid of him. If you let him back, next time it'll be a punch or a slap. Or worse.

And some people might say a push isn't as bad as a punch but it's a signifier of what it means. It means this man has no issues at all in laying hands on you or your small child when he loses his temper or he's in a mood.

And quite aside from anything else, him sitting on his arse while you run around getting all the kids ready for bed, trying to manage behaviour then cook dinner as well - fuck that! Where does he get off being lord and master who can sit on his arse and do nothing?!

It sounds to me like he was at the end of his tether in what seems like a very chaotic evening at home. He totally over reacted. Did you feel threatened once he sat back down?
This is not going to end well. Your dc have witnessed a domestic incident, they have been questioned by police, and probably will be by socail workers, your relationship will forever be fractured. Was your reaction to call the police OTT? We don't know. We weren't there and only have your version of what happened. However, regardless of that, the children have witnessed something that will have a significant effect on them for a long time. I hope things turn out ok for you all and you can move in to have a better relationship with each other, either together or apart.

You did not overreact.

You did the right thing.

You did a brave thing.

It's natural to be frightened and questioning yourself because this is scary, unfamiliar territory that you never expected to find yourself in.

You're probably still in shock too, which will make you more inclined to start questioning yourself. It's human nature to look for ways to feel in control of our lives and therefore feel safe, so it's common after an experience like this to start minimising and rewriting it into something smaller than it was so that the world goes back to how it was before and you can feel safe and in control again.

You didn't overreact though.

Everything is up in the air and uncertain now, but it's temporary and will resolve in time. Things will be different, but if they're different in a way that means your child never experiences this again or fears it happening again that's not a bad thing.

You will come through this and life will feel ok again on the other side of it. Just be gentle with yourself while you're going through it.

You did the right thing OP. Apart from your physical safety, witnessing stuff like this is terrifying and traumatic for your children. This relationship can never work.

If you want some info you can weigh up independently of what I'm sure will turn out to be conflicting comments from people on here (bearing in mind there are Mn posters who will happily tell women who've been viciously assaulted to stay in a relationship and 'try harder'):

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

If you talk to them or go on the course to gather more info for yourself, it's all confidential and they won't tell you what to do or ask you to talk about your life or anything that's happened. You can just listen to the things they have to share and decide for yourself what, if anything, you want to do with it.

Tbh, whether you think you over reacted now or not, he has crossed a boundary in behaviour and he’d be likely to do it again. To a pp who said he just snapped, imagine what could happen if he snaps again?

I lived in a house with constant domestic violence. It continues today with my dad being an absolute cunt to my Mum. She wouldn’t leave him though and I had to walk away. She’s now got dementia and he is still a prick. I e moved abroad and I only have a sense of relief that myself and my family are protected from it. You’ve possibly saved your dc from a lifetime of unhappiness.

Another voice saying you didn't overreact.
If he left a bruise on you and scratches on your DS, that's serious and its assault, whether he's been aggressive before or not. That's without going into the emotional impact.
As for some posters comments on whether ge was at the end of his tether or just snapped because it was too much, that is absolutely irrelevant. Children can be enraging sometimes, that's normal, but adults have to just swallow their frustration and deal with it in an adult way. Pretty sure your DP wouldn't have done that to his boss or a larger man whod pissed him off. That means it was a choice, not a 'snapping' moment.
Dont worry about his stuff for work. That's his problem. He can send a mate round for it or his DGran if she's able.
You absolutely did not overreact.

Do not listen to anybody saying you may have overreacted at all! Any man who lays hands on a woman or a child is WRONG. No matter how angry and stressed out. I'm sorry, we as adults all get angry and stressed out but we don't go round pushing and dragging people?! Least of all children!!!

Did you over-react ? I don't think any of us can say. We only have your version of events , which you may have (unconsciously) minimised,
You may well have been very accurate in your account , in which I would say possibly an over reaction , however EVERYONE needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Your partners unacceptable behaviour has the consequence of police charges and being removed from his family.

Your action of calling the police has almost certainly had the consequence of ending your relationship because of prioritising your children.

and your child's behaviour has had the consequence of him losing someone he regards as a father - leaving your family.

It is the last issue that is the most important to deal with. Children get into the most terrible emotional mess if they feel a family split is their fault. Please speak to SS about strategies to negate this issue arising.

I can't help being terrified that I have over reacted and made a mistake

Are you aware that one punch can kill? If you hadn't called the police he would have been free to continue his violent behaviour last night or at any other time of his choosing as non-action of your part would have given him licence to continue.

Of course you did the right thing and your appropriate action has sent in train a series of processes that are intended to protect you and your dc from further harm.

You will be put in contact with a dv counsellor and you're best advised to allow the professionals to advise and guide you.

No doubt you're in shock at the speed with which last night's events occurred, but please don't attempt to rationalise or minimise what he did and what the possible consequences could have been if you hadn't called the police.

As he has admitted one offence it will be down to the CPS to decide whether to charge him with the assault on you and/other other offences. However this pans out, it's highly unlikely that he'll see the inside of a prison and it may be that he receives a caution,

Keep posting here and hopefully wise mumsnetters will help you stay strong and not waver in your determination to keep your dc safe by attempting to withdraw charges. or some such ill-conceived plan such as contacting him.

Did you over react? I'm not sure.

What I can tell you is if this man does not like your Ds at 7 he will hate him as a teenager.

Don't think did I over react, know that a separation was inevitable to protect your ds.
You've done the right thing.

Even if you excuse the original incident on the basis that he suddenly saw red and over-reacted, most decent men who have had to be dragged off a 7 year old child by their wives would be mortified - their first reaction would not be to turn on their wives and attack her.

The fact that he then told you to shut up and sat down demonstrates that, if you hadn't called the police, this would have escalated and/or been repeated. You did absolutely the right thing.

You have done the right thing. The only thing. This was an appalling attack on your child. You must have been terrified to call 999.

thehouseintheforest what an absolutely disgusting comment. The only person who has to learn that actions have consequences is the OPs P. The idea that a 7 year old with special needs is to be held responsible for being beaten up is totally wrong.

To those who were saying he just snapped he was frustrated etc. He was sat doing absolutely nothing to help and while the OP did everything. I bet he would not have behaved that way if another fully grown man was winding him up.

You did do the right thing but it’s completely normal to feel conflicted as it’s not like your feelings for him just turn off overnight.
I would go easy on yourself and give yourself time to process this. There’s no excuse for what your DP did and there’s going to be a lot of decisions to make in the future but at the moment bail conditions should give you space and you need to focus on your children and how they’re managing this.

You put yourself and your children first. Well done. His reaction was completely out of order and aggressive and you 100% did the right thing!

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You did do the right thing, but sometimes the right thing has consequences that are hard to bear. Be strong, and know you’re protecting your children and that makes you a great mummy.

and your child's behaviour has had the consequence of him losing someone he regards as a father - leaving your family

Jesus Christ, what an awful thing to say. OP, please never think this about your child, or let him believe it’s his fault.

Definitely not an over reaction. You absolutely did the right thing. You only have to read some of the posts on here to see how some women and their children live in fear, make excuses and apologise for their partners awful behaviour. You are bloody brave and strong and you have protected your children and yourself from this man. There is no point going over the whys or what ifs. What he did was wrong. You were 100 % correct.