Had to call the police on my partner. Now mixed feelings about it.

[LuckyBug89]

Hi all,

Never posted before on relationships and I am not really sure what I am hoping to gain from this, maybe some stories of similar. People coming through the other side. Reassurance I have done the right thing. Anyways, please bare with me.

Been with (D)P 4 years, I have 2 children DD (10) and DS (7) with my EXH who for his own reasons has no contact with DC for past 3 years. Me and current partner also have 1 DS (2) together.

DP is a good dad mostly, hard working and we have a normal relationship, minor arguments over house work etc, however when it comes to DS (7) my P has very little patience for any of his behaviour. It's relevant to say at this point that DS is dyspraxic and his emotional age range is closer to 4 or 5 then 7, he's a lovely kid, quite charming and funny but he does have a tendency to really push boundaries, in my opinion with normal kiddie behaviours, especially considering his age range (for example, very hyper moments, loud and screechy, throws massive temper tantrums, especially when tired, can ask you the same question at least 10 times, just rephrasing it each time) and although it can be grating it's nothing earth shattering.

Anyway on with the point, P came home from work today, you could tell by his face he was in a mood, I sorted tea for kids. Bathed and showered them respectively, got them all ready for bed and then after P umming and arghing a bit I got on with making tea for us. DD and youngest DS were running around living room being loud and hyper, I asked repeatedly for them to calm down, DP sat on his phone sat on couch and said nothing to intervene. Sorted tea out, convince youngest DS to sit down with a bottle and calm down and DD went to her room telling middle DS to pack up his Lego as it was nearly time to go to bed.

Middle DS then came downstairs, him and his brother started running around screaming and being generally chaotic. Told them both to calm down and middle DS jumped on to the couch next to me and argued back. I told him to stop, and explained he needs to settle to which he went to answer back, next thing I know DP has stood up from other couch and ragged DS off the couch, not entirely sure what he was planning on doing but I just saw red. I managed to stand up and push DP off DS and DS was dropped back on to the couch. DP then pushed me down on to the couch shouting at me and when I tried to stand back up again he shouted at me and pushed/hit me in the ribs to sit me back down. Then he moved away. I told (screamed at him) to get out. He just laughed and told me to shut up and sat back down. So I picked my phone up and called 999, in what seemed like disbelief my DP got up, went upstairs, changed and started putting his shoes on when he came back downstairs. Whole time youngest DS who witnessed the whole thing is crying and following DP around asking for a cuddle to which DP kept saying "I can't, I have to go, your mother wants me to go". Anyway he left and the police arrived shortly after. DP was picked up by another police officer and arrested for questioning.

Thankfully apart from being a bit shaken and upset all my DC are ok, we had cuddles and they all went to bed no problem. Middle DS was checked over by officer and his scratch marks on his back, probably where DP grabbed his top and ragged him off the couch, police took pics and asked DS some questions and he generally seemed ok, more concerned that his DF was going to be in trouble and wanted to know when he would be home, where was he etc. Police then spent well over an hour questioning me and took a pic of my side, (small bruise to rib area otherwise ok) and then police wanted to speak to DS one final time before leaving. DS has fallen asleep by the point but woke up straight away but then just kept saying he had forgotten and when was daddy coming home. Police left and my BF came over after I called her as I didn't want to be alone.

Had phone call from police later on, quite late actually, saying DP had been bailed, he has admitted assault on a child and that he pushed me but never hit or punch me, still assault though and has been charged. He's not allowed home and we are not to have any contact at all with each other. All his stuff is here, I don't know where he is bailed to but considering his lack of family in the area (his parents and sisters live abroad) I am guessing his is with DGran. Now I have social services calling me and coming round to do an assessment. Everyone keeps telling me I have done the right thing, it's good I reacted so quickly, but I can't help being terrified that I have over reacted and made a mistake. I don't know what to do.

Supposed to be at work all weekend but with no childcare that's not likely to happen, I don't know what to do with DP's stuff and who will come collect as he will need clothes etc for work. My mind is a mess and I am constantly doubting myself. I am not sure what my next steps are. I am waiting for SS to make contact today, I know full well that's DC's school and nursery will be told what's happened. I know SS want to come and do an assessment and decide what level of threat DP is and also CID are deciding if they press formal charges or release with a caution and DP has never had any priors with police for anything.

I guess I don't know what I hope to gain from posting this, I just need to clear my thoughts out and see it written down. Thanks to anyone who has made it this far! I know I have rambled.

He could have been bailed pending further enquiries. Doesn't necessarily mean he's been charged.

In my experience of being in a very abusive relationship, your first reaction to this kind of thing is usually the right one. You were there, you saw what happened and your immediate reaction without analysing the situation was to get help. I don't believe for a second you overreacted. You did the right thing.

You 100% did the right thing putting you and your DC first.

All of us having moments we feel like pulling our hair out when dealing with DC, but the difference is most of us don't assault others.

He had plenty of other choices to deal with frustration, as in got up and helped you instead of sitting on his arse or even just going into another room to chill for a bit.

It does sound like he's been mean to your DS before but in sneaky ways.

Rather than repeating the vile, victim blaming comments again, could we just report them and let @MNHQ sort them out?

Hi Lucky, just to say you did the right thing- your son was in danger and you had to act to protect him. Hugs xxx

Sorry you and your children are going through this but well done OP what a fantastic mum you are for doing the right thing straight away.as a child who witnessed so much abuse between mum and stepdad (the worst u could imagine, ) she stuck by him too!!! believe me you really did the correct thing.hugs to you x

Thank you to everyone for their replies (except for the one who essentially blamed my DS (7) for a very big, grown man attacking him for normal child behaviour. Seriously).

Things here are still not fantastic, I feel like I am grieving, going through stages of anger to pure heartbreak and then I just go a bit numb. Managed to eat a sandwich yesterday. I still feel sick constantly. Not managing to sleep more then a couple of hours because my mind won't switch off.

SS came yesterday, reassured me I had done exactly the right thing, ExP is sending mixed messages through them as to what his next steps are.

I think it's probably relevant to say at this point that he is awaiting a big transfer of inheritance off his parents, he should get it next week, so part of me feels like maybe he wanted this, not to this extreme, where he is looking at a police record, but that he wanted an "out" so to speak so he could go and live his "best life" with his new found freedom and money. While I struggle at home with 3 resilient, yet clearly confused and upset children, unsure what to do financially, wondering how I am supposed to hold down my job on top of everything else.

I just have such a hurricane of emotions inside of me it's hard to prioritise which one to focus on first.

I am rambling again. Thanks for the responses again!

are you happy for him not to come back op?

I think at this point he can't/won't come back anyway. I know for my child(ren) it's probably best that he doesn't. But for me, personally I am heart broken, I miss him. I don't show that to my kids but when I am alone at night and they are all sleeping, I miss the conversations and the way he made me laugh for hours, I miss planning for out future together, and then my heart breaks again.

Sounds pathetic I know.

i am sorry op.
can you write out the pros and cons of being in this relationship, help you make sense of it

The social worker suggested the same thing. My DD has a birthday sleep over today so once I have dropped her off I am planning to take the boys to a soft play area, if I get a chance I will try to make a list. I just need my heart to stop racing for a bit so I can relax properly and I need to stop myself wondering what P is thinking, does he regret it, is he sorry, or is he out enjoying himself while I cry in bed alone.

Meh. Let him keep the money to himself. He's a nasty arsehole. You're right. He probably DID want out. Nasty piece of work.

Oh and you could press charges on him. See how his "best life" is then...with that on his record.

Even if I don't press charges the police officer told me it's up to them if they press charges for assaulting a child and not mine. Either way he is going to get charged because he admitted it all during his interview after they arrested him. It's all just depending on SS assessment and what CID choose to do after they have that information. The powerless feeling and feeling left in the dark is pure torture. I hate being in limbo.

Good luck to him living his best life having child assault on his record.

OP for your own sanity, proceed like this

You're not going to have him in your life any more. His own son will probably have supervised access with him. Your other children will not.

That's it. There's no powerlessness...you took your power back. You have ALL the power. There's no limbo either...you're living your life now...this is it.

You are amazing op. It probably doesn't feel like it, but you're doing exactly what you should do as a mother to protect your children. It's hard on you but that man that used to make you laugh for hours... That's only one side of a moody, aggressive, violent bully. As time went on you'd see more of the bully and less of the nice guy. The bully is who he really is. Give it a couple of weeks and I doubt your feelings of loss will be anywhere near as strong. And you absolutely should let yourself grieve. You've lost the man you thought you were in a relationship with.

I am so sorry Op because you were forced into this situation by your Ex partners actions.

The fact that he reacted physically straight away, rather than shouting a warning, suggests that he had lots of stored up anger.

It will hurt like hell to have the future ripped away from you and there will be worry and sadness. I left Ex H when my instincts told me that I wasn't safe, he has never been physical but I knew the potential was there.

You will grieve for what should have been but your partners actions caused this outcome. Had you let this incident go I suspect your son would have to face being threatened by your Ex P on a regular basis, and as someone else said the teen years have the potential for lots of confrontations.

When a relationship ends our mind tends to reflect on the happy times. Make of list of the occasions when he was not pleasant and look at it when you feel doubt.

It takes a while but you will get through this.

This is the aftermath when the shock and disbelief at the way in which your life was upended in a split second becomes reality, OP.

Even though you may feel you're in limbo at the moment you can find solace in knowing you made the right call for your little ds and I'm sure you'll agree that he's worth any sacrifice on your part, including your love life.

As it is, you've shown that no-one lays hands on him on your watch and I have no doubt that he'll come on in leaps and bounds now that he'll no longer be subject to passive aggressive bullying from your ex.

However, do be prepared for some acting out once he realises that there's only you to check him. Bullying tends to rub off and it can be a case of 'the King is dead, long live the King', but I'm sure you'll be up to nipping any attempt he may make to throw his weight around in the bud, so to speak.

It seems highly likely that you minimised being pushed/hit and I suspect you were punched as pushing or hitting is unlikely to have left a bruise on your rib cage. You've been lucky. If he'd 'hit' you in the midriff you could have sustained a ruptured spleen or worse.

I know the coming days will be difficult for you and it's to be hoped that he does the decent thing and uses some of this forthcoming inheritance to support you and all of your dc, including his ds.

Keep posting here for support - there's no shortage of mumsnetters who've been where you are now and they'll encourage you to KOKO until you find yourself in a better place emotionally.

@DonKeyshot today has not been a good day, I think all the kids being in school/nursery and just being sat here alone everything started to hit me. And unfortunately my house is now spotless so there's nothing I can do to keep me busy in regards to cleaning and reorganising my house.

Ended up at the GP and have officially been signed off work so I don't have to use all my AL, which is good as going forward as a single mum I am likely to need it in the future. Also been given some beta blockers to help with my new found anxiety and a sedative to help me get more then a couple of hours sleep at a time.

My middle DS has indeed turned very naughty from about Saturday afternoon, throwing temper tantrums and shouting at me. I think he's just acting out as he's not really sure how to process what has happened. He also knows I am sad and though I try and hide I don't always do it very well.

In regards to exP my mother has had some contact and from what I understand all his concern at the moment is very selfish and he still seems more angry at me for calling the police then what he has actually done that caused this whole situation in the first place. I keep reminding myself that he hasn't even asked how the children are any time I miss him and get teary.

It's just so hard, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I still don't really know what is going to happen.

In one of my moments I messaged his parents about what has happened as it turned out he hadn't said anything to them. Since then I have just been ignored. No response or again asked how the kids are. Makes me very sad and makes me question if I did do the right thing as some people seem to be angry at me. Even middle DS at times. It's wearing me down.

i applaud you OP. you absolutely did the right thing!

the amount of women on here who would have titled this "aibu" and let their partners carry on hitting their kids and treating the like crap is unreal.

So no OP,not overreacting and lotsofrespect to you. stand firm!! dont let him back. imagine next time if you werenot there?

You 100% did the right thing. Please don't ever doubt yourself.
He won't want to believe that he was a horrible scumbag so he will turn the blame to you.

You are incredible for putting your children first and protecting them. You're a wonderful mother.

I'm sorry your ds is taking his frustration out on you. He's probably just confused right now but he'll understand and thank you one day xxx

I'm glad to hear you've been signed off as it will give you time to take stock and, hopefully, sort out new childcare arrangements. There's no shame in popping a few pills to get you through the worst of the stress you're under - go for it and I hope they work for you.

At age 7, middle ds is still at the age of magical thinking and it may be difficult for him to express how he's feeling, and for you to gauge how he's processing what happened last week.

Some may say that his acting out is due to the relief he feels now that his stepfather has gone. However, I have seen this pattern before and I believe it is due to 'the King is dead' syndrome as mentioned in my post above.

Please resist any temptation to indulge any bad behaviour on his part. While I take the view that, unless it is causing a nuisance to others or endangering them, or endangering the child himself, bad behaviour should be ignored and good behaviour rewarded, this is a time for you to make it clear to him that you're not a pushover.

Be firm but fair over the coming months and if you should need to sanction him by withholding toys, treats, screentime etc, never go back on whatever it is you've proposed as a consequence to any bad behaviour he displays.

Engage with him as much as you can, praise him as much as you can, but leave him in no doubt that bad behaviour has consequences otherwise you may find yourself with one of those obnoxious stroppy teenagers sometimes mentioned here who treat their dms as if they're doormats, put on this earth to be walked over.

You will all have to adjust to being a family of four instead of five. The dynamic has changed and you now have to be good cop and bad cop when it comes to policing your dc and keeping them on the straight and narrow behaviour wise. I have no doubt you'll rise to the challenge and that it will become easier as the days go by.

Your ex-dp is showing his true colours and it seems that you and your dc, including his dc, are way down on his list of priorities. That must be extremely hurtful for you. You'd think that after 4 years together he'd at least have the decency to enquire after your welfare and wellbeing and I'm shocked that he hasn't even bothered to enquire about his own dc who is little more than a baby.

With regard to his parents, maybe they've died of embarrassment or maybe the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, or they know he's got form for being a self-absorbed selfish twat.

I'm not going to make excuses for him, and neither should you. You deserve a lot more than he's able to give and I can only hope that whatever passes for his conscience starts to prick the prick him big time and he steps up to the plate financially.

All things must pass and you will get through these very trying times.
No matter how unlikely you believe it to be, never doubt that you'll come out the other side with a smile on your face.

If you have no more cleaning or chores to do in your house, you're welcome to start on mine and I'll pay you to plough your way through my treasured possessions.- lord knows what you'll find but I suspect you'll go home with a lot more than you came with as I'm in desperate need of a through declutter

And the award for Victim Blaming Cunt of the Week goes to Luckybe40.

Perhaps you missed the bit about the OP's 7yo ds having scratches on his body and the OP having a bruise on her rib cage- a mark that is not usually consistent with being hit or pushed?

Or could it be you failed to clock that when the OP's ex-dp arrived home "you could tell by his face he was in a mood" and that he has a history of having "very little patience" for any of this particular dc's behaviour?

Whatever. Nice try at deflecting your judgy pants post with 'that's just ME though, you needed to do whatever you needed to do", but all you've done is score a spectacular own goal by showing yourself up to be a patronising prat.