Had to call the police on my partner. Now mixed feelings about it.

[LuckyBug89]

Hi all,

Never posted before on relationships and I am not really sure what I am hoping to gain from this, maybe some stories of similar. People coming through the other side. Reassurance I have done the right thing. Anyways, please bare with me.

Been with (D)P 4 years, I have 2 children DD (10) and DS (7) with my EXH who for his own reasons has no contact with DC for past 3 years. Me and current partner also have 1 DS (2) together.

DP is a good dad mostly, hard working and we have a normal relationship, minor arguments over house work etc, however when it comes to DS (7) my P has very little patience for any of his behaviour. It's relevant to say at this point that DS is dyspraxic and his emotional age range is closer to 4 or 5 then 7, he's a lovely kid, quite charming and funny but he does have a tendency to really push boundaries, in my opinion with normal kiddie behaviours, especially considering his age range (for example, very hyper moments, loud and screechy, throws massive temper tantrums, especially when tired, can ask you the same question at least 10 times, just rephrasing it each time) and although it can be grating it's nothing earth shattering.

Anyway on with the point, P came home from work today, you could tell by his face he was in a mood, I sorted tea for kids. Bathed and showered them respectively, got them all ready for bed and then after P umming and arghing a bit I got on with making tea for us. DD and youngest DS were running around living room being loud and hyper, I asked repeatedly for them to calm down, DP sat on his phone sat on couch and said nothing to intervene. Sorted tea out, convince youngest DS to sit down with a bottle and calm down and DD went to her room telling middle DS to pack up his Lego as it was nearly time to go to bed.

Middle DS then came downstairs, him and his brother started running around screaming and being generally chaotic. Told them both to calm down and middle DS jumped on to the couch next to me and argued back. I told him to stop, and explained he needs to settle to which he went to answer back, next thing I know DP has stood up from other couch and ragged DS off the couch, not entirely sure what he was planning on doing but I just saw red. I managed to stand up and push DP off DS and DS was dropped back on to the couch. DP then pushed me down on to the couch shouting at me and when I tried to stand back up again he shouted at me and pushed/hit me in the ribs to sit me back down. Then he moved away. I told (screamed at him) to get out. He just laughed and told me to shut up and sat back down. So I picked my phone up and called 999, in what seemed like disbelief my DP got up, went upstairs, changed and started putting his shoes on when he came back downstairs. Whole time youngest DS who witnessed the whole thing is crying and following DP around asking for a cuddle to which DP kept saying "I can't, I have to go, your mother wants me to go". Anyway he left and the police arrived shortly after. DP was picked up by another police officer and arrested for questioning.

Thankfully apart from being a bit shaken and upset all my DC are ok, we had cuddles and they all went to bed no problem. Middle DS was checked over by officer and his scratch marks on his back, probably where DP grabbed his top and ragged him off the couch, police took pics and asked DS some questions and he generally seemed ok, more concerned that his DF was going to be in trouble and wanted to know when he would be home, where was he etc. Police then spent well over an hour questioning me and took a pic of my side, (small bruise to rib area otherwise ok) and then police wanted to speak to DS one final time before leaving. DS has fallen asleep by the point but woke up straight away but then just kept saying he had forgotten and when was daddy coming home. Police left and my BF came over after I called her as I didn't want to be alone.

Had phone call from police later on, quite late actually, saying DP had been bailed, he has admitted assault on a child and that he pushed me but never hit or punch me, still assault though and has been charged. He's not allowed home and we are not to have any contact at all with each other. All his stuff is here, I don't know where he is bailed to but considering his lack of family in the area (his parents and sisters live abroad) I am guessing his is with DGran. Now I have social services calling me and coming round to do an assessment. Everyone keeps telling me I have done the right thing, it's good I reacted so quickly, but I can't help being terrified that I have over reacted and made a mistake. I don't know what to do.

Supposed to be at work all weekend but with no childcare that's not likely to happen, I don't know what to do with DP's stuff and who will come collect as he will need clothes etc for work. My mind is a mess and I am constantly doubting myself. I am not sure what my next steps are. I am waiting for SS to make contact today, I know full well that's DC's school and nursery will be told what's happened. I know SS want to come and do an assessment and decide what level of threat DP is and also CID are deciding if they press formal charges or release with a caution and DP has never had any priors with police for anything.

I guess I don't know what I hope to gain from posting this, I just need to clear my thoughts out and see it written down. Thanks to anyone who has made it this far! I know I have rambled.

and your child's behaviour has had the consequence of him losing someone he regards as a father - leaving your family.

Oh fuck off. Actually just fuck off.

The dickhead is the only person responsible.

What kind of a cunt blames a seven year old child for the violent actions (and subsequent fallout) of an adult man

You did not overreact.

You have misgivings because you are a reasonable person; he however is not. He is not the man you thought he was and there is no justification or excuse for his actions.

You all need protection from this individual. He is clearly not what he has appeared to be.

Re his stuff I would put it all in binbags and give this no more thought. He is not allowed to go back to where he was living with you nor contact you so its of no consequence.

Thanks everyone for their replies. My children all seem fine today and actually excited to go to school (there's an event on at school which they couldn't miss apparently). I managed to keep it together this morning and keep the routine as normal as possible.

In regards to PP not to make contact and not let him back, even if I wanted to that's out of my hands! His bail conditions state that he is not to contact myself or the children and he is not allowed near the property even if we aren't home and he isn't allowed to the children's school or nursery. If he breaks them he goes back to prison. So I am assuming this means he is pending a formal charge?

Still not entirely sure who has bailed him out or where he is staying. Have had no contact off any of his friends or family. No one has been to collect his things. Not sure if he has gone to work.

I am still awaiting a call from SS, it's just me and DS2 at home now and we are happily building mega blocks together. Everything is a mess. Sometimes I feel strong and together and thinking of practical things (how will I afford child care, am in entitled to help with rent etc) and then a minute later I feel sick and want to cry. Just trying to keep it together for the kids at the moment.

I don;t think anyone has to bail someone out OP. In the UK they just send you on your way with certain conditions. Not like the USA where you have to pay.

The fact you’ve sort of described how his moods dictate life would indicate sometimes you (and your kids) walk on egg shells.
That’s no way to live.
You absolutely did the right thing. You’ve protected your kids. If they went to school today and told a teacher what happened (and you hadn’t called the police) what would it have looked like?

You're in shock OP. All of this came entirely out of the blue.

I'd sort his immediate stuff out into a bag (toiletries, phone charger etc, bank wallet, change of clothes etc) so it can be handed over easily, and focus on just getting through today.

SS won't have any issues, this was the first time this happened and you've reacted in the best way by involving the Police.

It will get better

You did the right thing. Because this hasn't happened out of the blue or suddenly really. Here:

my P has very little patience for any of his behaviour. It's relevant to say at this point that DS is dyspraxic and his emotional age range is closer to 4 or 5 then 7

So far your P has been low-level abusive, impatient and a poor parent to your DS, even though he has some special needs. Not good, not right, and the kind of thing that unfortunately is put up with as it's not 'bad' enough to cause a major split. But the consequences for your DS are real, and negative.

The difference between this story and a thousand others is that unlike so many people living this 'walk on eggshells' lifestyle with a nasty partner, you instantly reacted at the first time he took it to the next level. GOOD. It won't be happening again.

If you have doubts about being too hasty, I'd suggest you think through this bit:

I told (screamed at him) to get out. He just laughed and told me to shut up and sat back down.

Ok. So - if you hadn't called the police - what would have happened? Well, you know, from this. No, he wouldn't have been shocked at his own behaviour in being physical with you and your child. He wouldn't have been in tears, apologised, said things would change. It wouldn't have been a watershed to make him think about the way he treats your little boy.

No. It would have been the first of many incidents, because his reaction here tells you he thought what he did was just fine. Shut up. Does that sound like someone who would never do such a thing again? I think you know he happily crossed a line and if you hadn't reacted the way you did, you'd be starting off down the path to regular domestic abuse. Because that's how this kind of stuff happens, how it starts, for so many people.

Don't take him back. Sounds like your little boy has had a long time of being put down, shouted at, and generally not supported by his 'parent figure'. I wonder if you'll see an improvement in his overall behaviour and demeanour now he isn't being made to feel anxious and not good enough in his own home.

This behaviour did not come out of the blue. There are always signs, there is always an escalation.

You did the right thing OP. You should be really proud of yourself. You put your children's safety and well-being first.

If you have a moment, do give women's aid a call and/or have a look on their website for advice on what to expect next.

This is a useful guide:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/

I also agree that you should pack up some of his stuff and leave it by the front door.

And finally - this is not your fault, this is not your child's fault. It is his choice, his fault.

You did the right thing. It's ok to 'snap' under stress - but not by using force. Your P crossed the line. No second chances required. End the relationship, do the Freedom Programme and move forward.

I gave my H no second chances either when he threatened to kill me - police and out. No regrets.

You did the right thing, your partner was out of order. I doubt he will get into much trouble for it, ie no prison sentence, but being arrested and charged will definitely have a chastening effect on him.

You and your children will be better off on your own at least for a while.

Good luck!

PS: You do seem to make a lot tea :-).

and your child's behaviour has had the consequence of him losing someone he regards as a father - leaving your family.

@Thehouseintheforest what the fucking hell?? what planet are you on?

You did exactly the right thing. Maybe Citizen's Advice could help with what entitlements you have, or start a new thread here.

Small children love and forgive their parents even when those parents are abusive. Your poor middle DS. I'm so glad you phoned the police.

You did the right thing OP, for you and your kids.

Whatever the behaviour of your little boy, there was no reason for your DP to treat him like that.

Obviously this was something brewing and by calling the police on this incident, you were right. Who knows what would happen if you had forgiven what had happened and the next incident occured? If your DP wants to come back, there will be a lot of work to do involving SS and he will probably have to attend an Anger Management course. You will be referred to do The Freedom Programme as you may think things have been ok, but it could shed light on other things you have over looked in your relationship. But personally, I wouldn't want anyone like that back in the house if they roughed up my child.

The police attended and have charged him with two offences, presumably with the agreement of the CPS. If you had over reacted then I imagine they:d have had a chat and done little else.

Thehouseintheforest -

Your partners unacceptable behaviour has the consequence of police charges and being removed from his family. - great stuff

Your action of calling the police has almost certainly had the consequence of ending your relationship because of prioritising your children. - as exactly any parent should prioritise them. Fab outcome.

and your child's behaviour has had the consequence of him losing someone he regards as a father but who does not treat him with respect or patience despite his SN - leaving your family. - Sorry, you missed a very important clause out of that sentence, I've added it in for you - again, fab outcome.

So! Looks all great to me. Couldn't have summarised it better myself. Good stuff.

and your child's behaviour has had the consequence of him losing someone he regards as a father - leaving your family

I think what you meant to say their, @thehouseintheforest, is that OP's husband's behaviour has had the consequence of a child losing someone he regards as a father. There are no circumstances in which it is a 7 year old child's fault if a man physically attacks him.

Thegouseintheforest You do realize the child in question who was assaulted has special needs and is developmentally delayed?! What's your reason for posting such shit?

You have been very brave and you have most definitely done the right thing. You need this man out of your life. He is a danger to you and your kids and clearly the police think so too.

It doesn’t even matter if the child has special needs or not, all kids can be difficult and push boundaries it is not ok for the ops partner to hit her son. Just look at how many kids have been killed by their mums partner. You definitely did the right thing op

As shit as it feels, usually the right thing isn't the easy thing.

Well done for instinctively prioritising your children, whatever happens in the future when they are old enough to understand they will feel like someone always had their back and protecting them when they were vulnerable.

You're probably in shock - make sure you eat and stay hydrated. Your children need you to be well for them to be well.

Sorry you're going through this OP and well done again for being brave

Wtf is up with some of these comments?!

You’ve done so well. Second guessing is part of the coming to terms with it. Not many relationships are 100% bad and so in with the relief is also the shock and the sadness at the loss/end of what you hoped it could be or it has been in the past. But you will soon start to focus more on the future and how it will work but also the good parts like your DS won’t be living with a man who gets impatient with him. Xx

Trust your instincts OP. You protected your child from an assault. Did your DP expect you to sit it out I wonder and if you had sat it out - that could have led your family into a very dark place. This guy pushed you down twice - If my DP did this he would know it would be the finish. Men are so much stronger than women and children and if they can't contain their anger then they are a danger to us. Lots of hugs OP, things will get better and you and your kids won't be walking on eggshells anymore.

OP, you've done exactly the right thing.

It's a horribly hard and distressing situation, but you have not caused it.

He has shown you his true colours and his behaviour would only have escalated over time if you hadn't have thrown him out now.

It stands out, your daughter and younger son were doing the same thing earlier in the evening and he wasn't bothered, only when the incident concerned your elder son.

Had you not intervened, he could have done anything at all to your son and would have done without a blink of remorse. He didn't snap and lose his temper, he didn't realise what he was doing and immediately regret it, he proceeded to attack you.

You have saved your children witnessing their Mother being assaulted and possibly being abused themselves. Everything else... rent, childcare etc. can be figured out, all that matters is that you're all safe, you're all unharmed and this man is out of your house.