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Relationships

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How many of you have had a one night ‘free pass’ from your marriage?

101 replies

Blueberry001 · 27/09/2019 00:20

Question in the title.

One night, with someone else, nothing else after and never would be, not discussed further?

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 27/09/2019 11:04

I would be utterly aghast.

I wouldn’t accept it or agree to it. Ever.

Runningsmooth · 27/09/2019 11:12

Sounds silly to me. My DH doesn't own me and I don't own him. If I want to sleep with someone else I will and if he wants to I won't stop him but I would imagine we would no longer be together afterwards. I'm in my 40s and not going to be running round like a teenager trying to get a man who wants to sleep with someone else to fancy me. If he wants something else he can have something else. I think a one night pass sounds sillier than an open marriage which is less juvenile.

PusheenLovesPizza · 27/09/2019 11:24

I knew a couple who did this-both gay men.

It went from that to open relationship. At which point, with hindsight, the partner who had had to be persuaded said “Well that was obviously a sign it wasn’t working wasn’t it?” They stopped having sex with one another completely at that point.

The one who had to be persuaded then met someone, it got serious and they got married.

The persuader slept around a lot, contracted HIV and suddenly realised a committed, stable relationship was actually what he wanted after all.

But his former partner was now remarried, so he found someone else. The original couple stayed friends.

Fast forward 4 or 5 years...the marriage is on the rocks and ends in divorce (due to infidelity on one side- the one who had to be persuaded was faithful, the new husband wasn’t).

The persuader ditches his live-in boyfriend to try to get back together with the one who had to be persuaded.

The one who had to be persuaded is happy to have an emotional and financial partnership, but not a sexual one. They buy a house together.

The one who had to be persuaded now has a series of reasonably stable monogamous romantic/sexual relationships lasting 6-18 months, at which point the relationship either fizzles out or the new partner realises they want more from a partnership than is on offer, and either (understandably) strops off or makes a serious play to become the main partner, fails and then strops off. Lots of emotional tears, high drama and heartache all round. Lots of friends going “oh god, this again?”

The persuader had lots of no string attached sex at first (sex on no more than three occasions with the same person so no feelings get involved for him), but then got really focussed on his career and took a job involving extensive spells abroad. This is in order that the other partner can have their current flame to stay/live in the shared house without it being too awkward. But when he is back in the UK all three hang out and go to social events as a thrupple, just one he is not sexually involved in. Similarly, as the country where he works most of the year is an attractive tourist spot, the one who had to be persuaded and his revolving regular squeeze take holidays there multiple times a year. He’s not that bothered about sex now, he might have a one night stand when he goes to New York in holiday a couple of times a year, but often he doesn’t.

The persuader is quite open about the fact that what he sees as the main benefit for him (as well as emotional support and friendship) is a nurse/companion when his HIV progresses. He works in a medical field so is quite clear about his life expectancy on medication, % success rates for medication etc. In return, the one who had to be persuaded can expect substantial subsidization during his lifetime (there is a big earning disparity), to receive all his life insurance/pensions/money when he dies and a life interest in his share of the house (proceeds of which will pass to two sisters when the one who had to be persuaded dies).

I find this quite abstractly interesting in terms of “you never know what will work for people” kind of way but found it very emotionally draining to get to know then see discarded the people who came and went through the revolving door. I only really ever see my friend (the one who had to be persuaded) on a one to one basis for drinks or dinner now to catch up, whereas I used to be one of the same social group and see everyone every weekend. It’s pretty clear to me though from some of things he says, that if London houses prices were different, and he could afford to buy on his own, he would do so in a shot and look for another husband.

awesomeaircraft · 27/09/2019 11:27

No. I am sure that there are people very happy in some kind of open marriage but this has to be discussed on the outset not sprung onto one partner along the way once the vows are made.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/09/2019 11:30

I can't imagine someone I love sleeping with someone else and me not being eaten up with jealousy and questions. And who's to say that the 'once' would be enough? All those romance books where they 'agree to sleep together once to get it out of their system' always seemed bloody stupid to me - when did that ever work?

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 27/09/2019 12:18

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nmc99 · 27/09/2019 12:19

I'd consider this but i wouldn't know how to bring it up tbh

Blueberry001 · 27/09/2019 12:58

Thank you everyone for your replies - I have read them all.

I think it’s very much time to have a little bit more of a frank conversation about the why, he’s certainly not pushing it - it seemed very spur of the moment suggestion but that could all be a ploy.

I think I could cope if he did sleep with someone and I knew about it but I couldn’t if I didn’t know and found out but I wouldn’t know my reaction either way until it had happened and I don’t know if I want to find out how I would react either.

Lots to think about. Thank you to those with sensible replies.

P.S not a journalist - sadly boring 9-5 office job.

OP posts:
Passthebubbly · 27/09/2019 14:08

Not a hope in hell!

hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2019 14:12

Do you love this man?
If you do, do you really think you will be OK knowing he is having sex with someone else?
I would hate to know the person I love is basically fucking someone else.
You should not have to 'cope' with it.
If you aren't totally comfortable with it then it's a no go!!!
In fact, that's why my last 2 LTR broke up.

HIVpos · 27/09/2019 17:05

@PusheenLovesPizza
The persuader is quite open about the fact that what he sees as the main benefit for him (as well as emotional support and friendship) is a nurse/companion when his HIV progresses. He works in a medical field so is quite clear about his life expectancy on medication, % success rates for medication etc.

This is quite odd considering that nowadays those of us who are living with HIV can expect to live a normal lifespan when on meds. Is the persuader not on treatment, or does he have multiple resistance/adherence issues or other health conditions? Drugs regimes are improving all the time - we'll be onto 2 monthly injections soon.

@Basil90
Ask him how he'll feel about the three month no sex period following his encounter (the period he'll need to wait before he can take a hiv test)

If a condom is used consistently and correctly then there is no risk of contracting HIV. If it were to break then PEP could be taken in the event of any possible HIV exposure. Testing at 28 days will detect 95% of any HIV infection. HIV is anyway very difficult to contract - there's way more easily transmitted STIs, with or without a condom, to also be aware of.

@Blueberry001 I think in any relationship you should do what works for both of you. Sometimes a more open marriage can work, sometimes it doesn't. If this is something you are considering, you should go into it with your eyes open, have ground rules and beware all the potential pitfalls.

PusheenLovesPizza · 27/09/2019 17:49

@HIVpos He is on treatment. He does expect to live a normal lifespan if the treatment continues to work. He has had to switch drug regimes before though due to one regime ceasing to work. He’s actually a pharmacist, who doesn’t currently work in the HIV sector but did do so for a large part of his career, so I do take his word for it when he says that he is currently doing well on treatment but knows that there are no guarantees.

TimeforanotherChange · 27/09/2019 17:57

No. If my DH expected me to let him have a one night stand with someone he fancied a shag with and never mention it he'd be told to fuck right off.

That's not what marriage and relationships are about. And I'm not interested in a reciprocal arrangement, thanks.

supersop60 · 27/09/2019 18:04

I saw the film. Crap film. Crap idea.

Your DH wants this because he already has someone in mind, I believe.
It will not solve your stale marriage, and he'll probably want more.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 27/09/2019 18:05

He's got a potential replacement for you lined up and he wants to try before he buys.

Lozzerbmc · 27/09/2019 18:41

Its a bad idea obviously - the film Indecent Proposal shows that...

Mamabear88 · 27/09/2019 18:43

Haven't, don't want to and sounds like a terrible idea to me!

TemporaryPermanent · 27/09/2019 18:47

Why would a one night pass make anything better?

What about a proper open marriage? Too much work?

KUGA · 27/09/2019 18:58

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Crystal87 · 27/09/2019 19:37

Might work for a small minority. It wouldn't be for me. I'm fully satisfied by my partner, I don't consider other men.

HIVpos · 27/09/2019 19:43

@PusheenLovesPizza that’s good he’s on treatment, and as a pharmacist he will know about resistance issues, why they happen etc - and he will have his own individual set of circumstances. Personally, I do expect the treatment to work, and there are always options if any problems occur.

Although there are indeed no guarantees in life for anyone, perhaps I’m a bit more positive about mine from an HIV pov Grin

Feelingpoorlysick · 27/09/2019 19:45

I very much doubt this would fix an already struggling marriage.

happycoffeedrinker1979 · 27/09/2019 19:55

I would

SallyWD · 27/09/2019 20:05

No. I really wouldn't want a "free pass". Sleeping with some random man just doesn't appeal.

jacketpotatos · 27/09/2019 20:30
  • Many, many years ago I told my DH he is free to go with whoever he wishes. Only one condition and that is that he spends no money when he's with 'her'. Still reiterate this occasionally. He's never done it.*

Your priorities are unusual Hmm

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