DH prefers fishing to me

[Fisharesexierthanme]

I know hobby widows are common but I really want some advice. Been married just over 20 years. No DC for a bunch of reasons. Whilst I can’t say DH has ever been an overly demonstrative man, we have always had a laugh and shared common philosophies in life I guess you could say. Both professionals. My problem is that he obsessively goes fishing whenever he can. We are doing up our house so in the winter he spends a little more time on that but still fishes. In spring, summer and autumn, it is basically off Sunday night, return Tuesday afternoon. (He doesn’t work Mondays or Tuesdays. He spends time during the week -lunch times seeing his fishing buddies. They organise trips and talk carp talk. We frankly spend little time together other than a weekly Saturday lunch and maybe a weekend dig walk. It’s been like this for years. I wonder if not having DC has allowed his hobby to turn into an obsession. He’s not abusive in anyway but he’s just so obviously more interested in fishing than me. I swear, I could leap on him naked and he would shake me off rather than shorten one of his outings. I admit we are not as active in the bedroom as we were but who is after 20+ years. We do still have sex, just not every week. He is quite gruff in personality - not a warm fuzzy type but genuine and honest. Why would a man choose fishing over his wife if there was no huge problem between them? Is there any hope or is this just the reality of living with a rather unreconstructed male?

*dog walk

This doesn't sound so bad too me. When he goes off fishing he spends time with his male friends? So he's getting a lot of his need for companionship met from his friends. Do you want to spend more time with him or do you just think you should?

I’m 50/50 on this. The Sunday to Tuesday wouldn’t bother me. I’d love that. House to myself, yes please! However, it needs to be balanced up by doing something together. What’s your common hobby? Could you have a deal where he drops one lunchtime fishing thing and does a weekly lunch with you and you spend Friday night at the movies plus Saturday lunch/afternoon going somewhere. Museum/theatre/bowling/sailing/golf...you also need to join more groups yourself and find an equivalent hobby. Running? Ceroc? Book club...find your own obsession

Why would a man choose fishing over his wife if there was no huge problem between them?

This is key really.
He's choosing fishing and you, in a ratio that works for him (it sounds like he's only fully away on Mondays). If it doesn't work for you, the first thing you need to do is tell him that and suggest something that leans more towards what you would like.

I think after this long together, a lot of men prefer the company of other men. I have many friends who have grown up kids that seem to spend every spare minute at the gym together, playing their sport or in the pub. They do spend some time with their partners but usually as a group.

I think in your case it has just become a habit. Have you ever said anything? because men are crap at reading between the lines. We literally need someone to say “I don’t mind you fishing but would really like it if you spent a bit a more time with me?”

It is perfectly acceptable for you not to be too happy with it. Maybe every other weekend would be a good compromise if he will? If he won’t then you perhaps have a problem brewing.

Take up fishing

What hobbies to you have?
Do you go out and socialise on your own?
I'd honestly start making a life myself without him.

It seems that a common comment here is for me to take up my own hobby! I keep busy. I'm not sitting around, it's just that by the time we get home from work, it's around 7:30pm/8:00and he leaves very early so he is in bed by 10:30. So evenings are fairly brief and functional. I forgot to mention that we both work some Saturdays so it means that on many weekends, we are only together late on Saturday and Sundays until about 3pm. I guess I would like more quality time where perhaps on weekends when neither of us work, we go away for a couple of nights. A whole weekend!! Together!! I have mentioned it but not with any huge vigour I guess. PP is right I think. It's just become a pattern. A habit. And it much harder to break a habit that stop it forming in the first place.

We can't lunch together as we don't work close by. By Friday night we are both knackered from work. I think I just need to talk more about it with him but he gets kind of gruff like I'm taking him away from something important. More important than me or us.

Do people really think that after a certain age/time together, men prefer the company if other men? I guess I imagined we would enjoy each other's company more as we aged. Not less why isn't he fulfilling his need for companionship with me and not with other men? We really do spend very little quality time together.

When you do spend time together, is it fun?

Yes. I think a lot do. I know a lot of my friends do. Their relationships are a bit jaded though after 20 years or more. Kids have grown up. Sex life dwindled. I am sure there are some couples who prefer each other’s company and have grown together but there will be plenty of men who fall
Into the prefer to be around mates if they are lucky enough to have them. Your husband may be one of them. I think if you want it to change you will have to drive this. Why not book a weekend away and tell him you have done it. See how it goes. He doesn’t sound like the romantic type to me so you will probably be waiting a long time for him to change his ways.

I know Sunday afternoon -Tuesday afternoon is only 1 full day a week fishing but it's 2 nights not in our bed, every week. For a hobby, not work. And as he's not slept properly those 2 nights (getting up throughout the nights for the fish) he is shattered on Tuesday so goes to bed really early ready for work on Wednesday. So I'm kind of on my own 3 nights a week. Every week. For a hobby.

I often read complaints from women that their husbands have no other real friends other than their wives, and how this can create resentment. Perhaps your husband has carried things a bit far the other way. But he's being insensitive I agree. But he doesn't sound too bad, you just need to get through to him.

SidJames sigh...you are right. If I organise something without consulting him he will get petulant as he will miss out in fishing. If I ask if we can plan something he usually will be ok. He did stay home Saturday and Sunday last bank holiday. But he worked on the Saturday until lunchtime and went fishing on the Monday. It's like he can't make it through a week without fishing. The issue I have isn't that he fishes. I really don't mind. At least he's not having an affair!! It's just his prioritising. I often feel like a distinct second place to his fishing and fishing buddies 😢 I'm just feeling a little bit resigned that the next 30-40 years will be like this.

Actually make that 20-25 years. I doubt he'll be fishing in his 80s

Oh I wouldn't bet on it.

Why not join him ?

666 because lying in a camp bed in a damp bivvy in the cold is really just my thing. It really isn't. I'm not prissy by any stretch and don't mind camping but this isn't camping. I've been along with him and It's basic, interrupted sleep, cold, damp discomfort. Just not my thing. And tbh, he'd rather I didn't come. He'd rather be in his own

I don’t blame you! Fishing is grim. I used to do it as a kid and it was cold, wet and you stink of fish! My mate used to keep maggots in his fridge and warm them up under his tongue. Yak!

He is being unreasonable I think but some fellas would disagree. I know some who play golf 4/5 times a week and both weekend days.

Ewww, ok that's not an option then! I guess if this were me then, I'd just make best use of the 'me' time .

SidJames 4/5 times s week and both weekend days? I bet they lament that their wives are not interested in being intimate anymore! This isn't my idea of marriage. If people actively choose to spend all weekend away from your spouse, why are people together! There is precious little downtime with work and commuting. Surely the biggest focus of commitment should be directed towards their spouse. Surely spouse comes before hobby in a healthy relationship?

These ones are not fussed I don’t think. They have grown apart. Their lives suit them, they are not unhappy and I doubt your husband is either as he is getting all his needs met. To be honest it’s their wives who need to do something about it if they aren’t happy and I think in your case that holds true too. However this is easier said than done! Maybe it’s time to see if he will make the changes you want and if not re-evaluate your relationship and perhaps make some
difficult decisions.

As you say SidJames it is possibly all to common. Nothing terrible about the relationship. A lot of genuine care but it is so ..... unremarkable......flat......like I said, I feel somewhat resigned. If someone was awful or a bit of an AH, it would be obvious what to do but I really do love DH and I feel he loves me but it seems like we are almost flatmates who ocasionally have sex. And even the sex seems somwhat functional rather than passionate. Oh dear. I'm not expecting fireworks like it is at the beginning of a relationship (although to be honest, it was never really fireworks, more fun and we slotted in together well) but I didn't expect to fall into some 1960s sitcom couple who have just settled into the humdrum. Am I being unrealistic? I do know some couples who really do seem to love hanging out together and are constantly laughing and playing around together. But to leave a 'naice' marriage seems flippant and perhaps asking too much of life?

As usual, communication is key. Why not tell him how you feel and suggest a lovely weekend away together? Hopefully you'll have a great time and you could suggest this happens once a month say. It does seem sad that you aren't spending quality time together when you haven't DC to take up your time. BTW, fishing is as bad as cycling 😏 I've known a couple of women whose husbands spent every weekend sitting on a riverbank 😳

I’ll be honest after 20 years together one of two weekends away with each other is enough for me. Would you really want that much of his time? Be careful what you wish for. I’d love your life to be honest. He’s otherwise occupied and out of your hair. Brilliant. One weekend day together is enough for me. Why don’t you go out and find more interesting people to spend your time with. Join a country club or change jobs. Take an evening class. Go salsa dancing. Surely that would be more interesting than spending time with somebody obsessed with fishing! Most men are boring after 20 years.

I really do hate to ask ... but are you 100% sure that he actually is fishing ? And that the crappy overnight time you went wasn't just set up so you didn't offer to join him again ?? I mean if it's that cold and wet etc what can possibly be the attraction ???