DH prefers fishing to me

[Fisharesexierthanme]

I know hobby widows are common but I really want some advice. Been married just over 20 years. No DC for a bunch of reasons. Whilst I can’t say DH has ever been an overly demonstrative man, we have always had a laugh and shared common philosophies in life I guess you could say. Both professionals. My problem is that he obsessively goes fishing whenever he can. We are doing up our house so in the winter he spends a little more time on that but still fishes. In spring, summer and autumn, it is basically off Sunday night, return Tuesday afternoon. (He doesn’t work Mondays or Tuesdays. He spends time during the week -lunch times seeing his fishing buddies. They organise trips and talk carp talk. We frankly spend little time together other than a weekly Saturday lunch and maybe a weekend dig walk. It’s been like this for years. I wonder if not having DC has allowed his hobby to turn into an obsession. He’s not abusive in anyway but he’s just so obviously more interested in fishing than me. I swear, I could leap on him naked and he would shake me off rather than shorten one of his outings. I admit we are not as active in the bedroom as we were but who is after 20+ years. We do still have sex, just not every week. He is quite gruff in personality - not a warm fuzzy type but genuine and honest. Why would a man choose fishing over his wife if there was no huge problem between them? Is there any hope or is this just the reality of living with a rather unreconstructed male?

I would hate that. I don't mind once a week but 3 days a week is too much.
Where is the quality time together.

666 yes, definitely fishing🤣 the state of him and his gear when he returns attests to that! As do the photos of 'beautiful' carp 🤣🤣🤣

666 I don't get the attraction either🤣 but as it's apparently the most popular past time in the UK, there must be lots of people who do! I think there is a 'getting away from it all' quality about it. But it's so cold 😬

SidJames you are a man yes? You could be my source of all knowledge regarding what men think 😆. Amongst the men you know who have been in long term relationships, are they happy with their Partners? Are they ok with diminishing sex lives? Would they have flings if they were offered to them on a plate? What keeps them in their marriage if they would rather be with male friends and aren't having a great deal of intimacy anymore?

Yes

So / So. Some happy some not so.

They might it it was offered on a plate but believe me, this just doesn’t happen to men I know. Women don’t throw themselves at these men. They are all late 40’s/early 50’s and don’t generally work with Women so these opportunities just don’t come along. If they did then they might !

Sex lives - same comments about lack of for all those that mention it. Bit of a grumble but to be honest not as big a deal as it might have been when they were 20’s/30’s.

Habit, stability (particularly financial), don’t want to give up what they have built up. Kids mostly adult but still young adult. alot Of the more unhappy ones also have the opinion that a new relationship would be the same once the lust period wears off and there are a couple on 2nd marriages who confirm this to them!!

Most don’t dislike their partners. Just not mad about them anymore and get their pleasures from other things.

Probably not what you want to read!

Please don't take this seriously OP.
But I was just listening to a programme on a Radio 4 about statistics (yes,yes I need to get out more), but 80% of people struck by lightening are men, and by far the largest proportion of them are anglers.
It's going to be pretty stormy weather this weekend so either check he's well insured and send him off with a cheery wave or suggest he stays home and safe and enjoys the company of his family for a change.

You could try dressing as a mermaid and put fake seaweed in your hair, Fisharesexierthanme.

I love you all😆 and SidJames you are my new best friend 😂

Op I'm with you that sounds crap

My dh used to play cricket every Saturday afternoon throughout the summer , then of course it as into the bar , not home til 10pm usually so Saturday's in the summer no couple time

In the winter he played Sunday league footie so didn't want to go out Saturday nights

Kids came along and I said enough no way

No they're old enough he takes them too but I still remember those Saturday's alone , or at bbqs in the summer with couple friends and him always out

I did sometimes go but didn't want to spend every Saturday down the cricket club

What is it exactly that you feel you are missing op?

Intimacy, his time, him putting you first?

Have there been other instances in your life where you felt second best? Often the feelings we have now are more related to something that happened in the past that needs resolving.

I imagine too that the idea of a lovely weekend away is as enticing to him as a weekend in a bivvy.

I think I get where you’re coming from OP, his world perfectly suits him, and it’s quite irrelevant to him how you feel about it. Not really what you imagine you signed up for in getting married. Perhaps you should have an in depth conversation whether he likes it or not, remind him that you are his wife and that your feelings do matter. If it were me in your situation and nothing changed after that, then I would leave-what’s the point?

I can see how easy it could be to slip into this can of relationship.

Been together 25
But my dh is my best friend and the most interesting man on the planet.

We spend all I spare time together.

And that does include down time just watching TV

It takes work and effort and we've had our 'drought' time.

But like a pp said communication is key.

There is a lot info. on the internet about improving your marriage. Not always easy but stuff that really enriches your relationship.

I can honestly say I'm happier now than I've ever been.

DH has hobbies which I take a genuine interest in and he encourages me to do stuff for me too.

Intermacey is really important so we make time for each other.

InnerTwist I guess I'm just feeling like we are living in parallel rather than as a team. I love that he has mates and hobbies but I feel that we as a couple should be the priority and hobbies fit around us. As we as a couple don't do things all the time, over the years that fee tine has turned into fishing tome. And now it's set in stone. I do really like him and him me. But he quite detached as a person I guess.

Is it then that you don't feel important enough?

Is that just in relation to him or do you find this is also the case in other areas of your life?

What would happen if you asked for more time together - what would that look like - what things might you do that you both would enjoy?

InnerTwist I think as SidJames has said, couples do tend to slide into a sort of domestic pattern which evolves partly out of resignation, partly out of a lack of will to do anything about it and an unwillingness to rock the boat or put ourselves in a less good financial position. It can't always be like it was at the beginning. But I guess I hoped it wouldn't be quite so ....flat as it feels now. Like just two people plodding along. Rubbing along quite nicely but no dynamism within the relationship. I think he is genuinely pretty content. I am sort of content but content seems flatter than 'happy'😕 maybe it is just be being peri menopausal and asking 'is this it'? From now till the end. Is contentment actually the goal to reach?

Content is good.
But do you feel a connection ?
Does he ?
Connection doesn't just happen you need to spend quality time together and that takes organising and effort.

You only get out what you put in.

Robin I don't even know if we feel a connection. It's been so long that it is just what we are. We rub along well. No crazy tension or arguments. But no real romance or scintillation either. Just calmness and general ok-ness. But definitely wondering if this is all a bit Ho hum fit the next 30 years. Me gardening and going for runs and him spending increasing amounts of time fishing. And the two of us going to lunch once a week and living together like flat mates who have sex once in a while 😕. But no real deep sense of togetherness or being a close knit team.

Do you love him?

Fancy him?

Respect him?

What does he think of the situation?

InnerTwist yes I think I love him....I get on with him. I want well for him. I that love? I don't think about other men. I don't have the same lust for him but then who does after 20 years. I don't really think about whether he is attractive or not anymore. He's just him iykwim. I am content with how he looks. I think he feels the same. He would like more sex. But he doesn't seem as bothered as he would have been 10 years ago. I think men lose their sex drive with age too, no? He is great at his job so I respect him for that. He's not a crap man. A bit unreconstructed -quite traditional if you will. He just seems to want an easy life and seems happy enough that the boxes are ticked.

He thinks I am overthinking the situation. Like I said, he just wants an easy life and is happy with things the way they are. But that's because he's out fishing whenever he can.

Is it true that he's choosing fishing over you? Might it be that he believes he is getting both? It's normal to want an easy life but you want more. More excitement? Passion? Love? Might that come with more sex? Have you lost interest?

It sounds a little like you have both lost your way and instead of walking side by side - with times apart - and a warm coming back together - it's more like you are walking along opposite sides of the road.

What do you feel might be the best way to get through to him?

It also worth bearing in mind that excitement is often overrated - and just content can be enough if you are willing to make you peace with that. Do you feel fulfilled in other areas of your life?

There's an interesting book called From Stress to Stillness by Gina Lake to help us learn to live more authentically if you enjoy reading.

"I think men lose their sex drive with age too, no?"
It usually decreases, yes.
But have you talked to him about this? He does seem to be taking you for granted a bit. But what you are interpreting as "grumpiness" could just be his normal personality.

Scott72 yes he dies have a gruff manner. It's just his way. A bit of a grumpy old man before his time! InnerTwist you are bang on with your analogies. Walking on opposite sides of the road but in the same general direction.
I don't think I am looking for wild excitement. I'm sounding so vague. It's a general sense of togetherness that I feel is lacking. Yes, I have lost interest in sex a bit but we do still have intimacy. Just not as often. Perhaps having no dc has meant that we have filled our time with activities that don't help keeping us connected. I wonder if people who have dc end up working to benefit their dc that they end up doing stuff together more -family things, planning things for the future etc. He's just become a bit of a gruff old man, preferring his fishing and not wanting me to over complicate things 😕 he does seem to want me to be happy but perhaps we've just bumbled along like this for so long that it's just the way it is going to be

DH's hobby is fishing too but extreme fishing, so much so he has turned this hobby into a career and is away for 6 (ish) months of the year.
Works ok for us because I have made the boundaries very, very clear! He gets paid for this obviously but when he's home there has to be 'us' time and family time.
At first it was hard him being away, now I make plans with my friends, do things I really want to do that he'd have no interest in, I like it.
All of his friends fish, my male friend fish, all and I mean all are obsessed , seriously it's all they talk about boring I didn't realise how much planning etc went into it.

Be careful what you wish for OP, there’s an awful lot of blokes that seem to need to be around women in their lives 24/7 when they aren’t at work— that can get really tedious too