DH prefers fishing to me

[Fisharesexierthanme]

I know hobby widows are common but I really want some advice. Been married just over 20 years. No DC for a bunch of reasons. Whilst I can’t say DH has ever been an overly demonstrative man, we have always had a laugh and shared common philosophies in life I guess you could say. Both professionals. My problem is that he obsessively goes fishing whenever he can. We are doing up our house so in the winter he spends a little more time on that but still fishes. In spring, summer and autumn, it is basically off Sunday night, return Tuesday afternoon. (He doesn’t work Mondays or Tuesdays. He spends time during the week -lunch times seeing his fishing buddies. They organise trips and talk carp talk. We frankly spend little time together other than a weekly Saturday lunch and maybe a weekend dig walk. It’s been like this for years. I wonder if not having DC has allowed his hobby to turn into an obsession. He’s not abusive in anyway but he’s just so obviously more interested in fishing than me. I swear, I could leap on him naked and he would shake me off rather than shorten one of his outings. I admit we are not as active in the bedroom as we were but who is after 20+ years. We do still have sex, just not every week. He is quite gruff in personality - not a warm fuzzy type but genuine and honest. Why would a man choose fishing over his wife if there was no huge problem between them? Is there any hope or is this just the reality of living with a rather unreconstructed male?

selfishcrab so back to my opening title....do you feel your Dh prefers fishing to you?

I read somewhere that fisting was the most popular UK sport re participants.

I read somewhere that fisting was the most popular UK sport re participants

Thought fisting was quite niche

I read somewhere that fisting was the most popular UK sport re participants

Interesting!

🙈🤣

I know exactly what you mean by ‘flat’ and I don’t think I could live with it long term either, no matter how fond I was of the person. Parallel lives, flatmates who shag once in a while, no real connection, no excitement and thrill; I don’t want to do that. I’m an intense person and I like intensity.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling lonely in your marriage (I think that’s what it is, tbh, loneliness), I had a brief period, in relative terms, of feeling that way during a very difficult year with lots of external pressures on our relationship and it was the saddest thing. I couldn’t have lived that way for years on end and I would have had to have done something to change it, or accept that I needed more than that.

Contentment is lovely and I’m not knocking comfortable, low-key stability if it works for both parties, but I’m only going to be alive once and I want to be actually living, feeling and properly connected to the person I love, with a sense that we still do it for each other.

I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Think about what he could do (in practical terms, so you can actually tell him specifics) to make you feel more of a priority. Make some demands on him once in a while rather than just falling in with how he likes things. He needs to understand that you have needs too.

I do think men prefer other men company later on. Whenever I go early to the shops, I see a group of older men sitting together having coffee and elsewhere a group of older women sitting together talking. Never see a mixed group.

What is it you want to do with him?

Is there something that you've always wanted to do that you haven't done?

Could you go fishing with him something like twice a month?

I loved going fishing with my 1st DH R.I.P. It was just the 2 of us mostly or sometimes us and the kids.

Ninkaninus thank you. You seem to understand exactly what I mean. It's not bad. There isn't any aggression or belittling or weird power issues. Just all Ho-Hum and flat. Living in parallel. I wonder if I am being unreasonable and if that is just normal for long term relationships. I do think approaching 50 brings to the fore lots of questions about life from this point moving forward and reassessing life etc. I just wonder if feeling mildly dissatisfied is just unreasonable of me. We are solvent. Both have decent jobs. Both like each other. No real conflict. Just...flat. Maybe it's because we live so much longer now that we have the opportunity to get to the point where it is like this. In past generations people died before they got to this 🤣 but I do feel that fishing in particular is a strange, obsessive, all encompassing love affair of a hobby. It is quite excluding of other aspects of life.

My husband is like this but with trains and buses!!! Always has been a bit obsessed but it has driven me mad. Plus, there is ten years between us (he’s older). I have found it increasingly difficult, especially the last two years, and I think I am going to create a life away from him as there is nothing between us now. No sex life for years (I can’t stand him near me) and I am getting to the point where I don’t want him around. I know everyone is entitled to a hobby but he really is obsessed.
I have landed a job 250 miles away over 3 days so I’ve accepted it and will plan on either staying there or renting a flat here and moving out next year. Two children involved, one due to sit GCSEs next summer...hence why I’m waiting.
It just isn’t working out and I want to move on and make a new life for myself.

SoUnsettled2, oh dear. That sounds like you really do need to start your life away from the relationship. you say there is no sex life and you can't stand him near you. That is pretty definitive. I do actully still like DH. I just feel like we are living in parallel rather than together and that he loves fish more than me but I'm not repulsed by him

Fisharesexierthanme no he doesn't we talk about it all the time but we also talk about us and we plan for when he is home.
I use my time for all the things I want to do, I go away with friends, binge watch tv , read all of the things I love to do and if DH was around I probably wouldn't be able to indulge in but I also love spending time alone. It works very well TBH and we are best friends.

Research show many women lose interest of their partner sexually after 5-8 years.
This is usually when sex life declining and falling into a routine.
(Less variation, goodbye fellatio, lights off and so on)
Men don't have the same habit of losing interest in their partners but when their partner get boring they often spend more time out of the house. Some go down the pub, some go fishing and others have a fling. The main reason men marry women is because of regular sex and when the wife lose interest and sex become a routine there is less reason to stay inside.
This is not how all releationships end up, people are different after all, but it is very common.

I'm surprised by the responses on here, people seem to think you should just be ok with it and not mind that you're spending so much time apart.

If it doesn't work for you, that's ok, even if it would work for someone else.

Thankyou WatchingtheMoon. I guess everyone has different expectations and wants for their marriage. I really am overall not having a massive problem with him at all. It's just as a PP said, he has life in a balance he is happy with. We have a decent home, like our jobs enough and we get along well enough. And then he spends all his free time fishing. I want to be more of a priority in his heart and mind. I don't want to grow old in a relationship that seems like it is something from a past generation. I want more if s partnership and intensity. But I don't want to end things as I do really like him.

It’s all very different from person to person.

Some people are very happy to not ever have sex (or rarely), to not do much together and really just stay together because it’s mutually agreeable to do so, in something of a partnership where you both have a vague fondness for each other and not much else in common anymore.

I don’t think that would ever work for me. Barring old age, of course, where I’m sure I’ll be happy for the companionship and probably won’t be bothered about swinging from the chandeliers. But until I’m actually old, and all being well, I’m going to have sex and intensity and intellectual stimulation, I’m going to live a full life and I’m not going to settle for some kind of bland existence with someone who barely notices I’m there. I wouldn’t accept it long term, and I would be making my expectations clear, and if I wasn’t heard I’d be taking steps to ensure my needs are met.