He hit me once - should I leave- or how do I get over it

[mum2be2013]

Hi
I don’t where/how to post so sorry if this goes in the wrong place, but my husband hit me (just one punch in the stomach) but enough to leave doubled up in agony and sore for a couple of days after and I don’t know what to do about it.
Initially I said I’d leave, but it was an empty threat- and he knows it- I have no where to go (I have 2 small children, and I gave up work after the second so I’m totally financially dependent on him now and we recently moved here so I don’t have any close friends here and I don’t drive so I can’t even physically get the kids to go to my folks without him, even if I needed too).
We were together a long time - and he’s always got angry easily- but it was never directed at me until after we were married- and before this incident there were only a couple of other of pushing and shoving- so nothing as violent as punching me. I thought I’d just forget about it- but I can’t - everytime he shouts at me - I get really tense as I’m not sure if he’ll do it again. And I’d hate for the children to see him get violent.
But I don’t know what to do.
The worse thing is the day after he said it didn’t happen- and no one would believe me (he is the perfect dad and husband in Front of my family & friends), then he said it was an accident- and it was only when I said I was leaving that he admitted it and said sorry.
Then last night I tried to speak to him about anger management classes and he denied it happened again and then got angry and I dropped the subject as I was scared he’d get violent again if I didn’t.

every time he shouts at me
Shouting is also unacceptable if it's happening often and making you feel scared. I hope you are able to call in help to get away from him. Womens aid are a helpful charity. Do you have any old friends you can contact to come and help? X

Custody is not automatically split 50-50, it is split according to what is in the best interests of the children and providing continuity with life before the divorce is a guiding principle. Given that they are young and you (as a SAHM) are their primary carer, I would expect him to get more like every other weekend and one overnight during the week.

So the question you should ask is " do I want my children to be with a violent man 14 days out of 14, or 4 days out of 14?"

You feel as though you're acting as a buffer between them and his violence, but in reality, you won't be able to - no-one can. Even if he's not actually punching them (and that may change as they get older and he perceives their developing personalities as a threat to him) they are still being psychologically damaged by being in a house where their mother is being abused.

Even if it's 10 days of calm and safety a fortnight, and you can't give them all the time, that time and space will still give them the chance to grow up knowing what a normal, loving, calm environment feels like.

So sorry :(

Have been in same position

First time push
Name calling
Then broken toe

Eventually he tried to kill me
Go to police
Tell them everything
sS too so that you can then say I WANT SUPERVISED CONTACT ONLY
Do not accept any less

I am going through it all and so far the abuser has not taken me to court he is all talk
If he does then I am ready plus I have the hospital report and police records to help
Without this I would be so stuck

Plus - all the great advice here please read and re read
It saved my life

Definitely testing the waters to see how far he can go. It will escalate until it's truly terrifying. Are you under a health visitor? If so get an appointment or go to a drop in clinic if you have one and tell them what happened. My ex was very controlling and it's the next likely step in your situation. I'm talking about not being able to eat or go to the toilet without him scrutinising it and having to be careful where I looked walking down the street to avoid accusations of flirting with men. It leaves you a nervous wreck and terrified of your own shadow. For some reason though he wasn't suspicious of me taking the baby to clinic. My HV supported me to leave him.

He has hit you very hard and then denied it.
He acts differently in front of other people.

I am sorry but i think you will need to be safe and away from him.
The fact he denied it means there will be more abuse on the way. So sorry

I posted this on here before, but I'm friends with a senior police officer, who told me working dv was totally soul destroying. They burn thousands of man hours on these scum and then the woman says don't charge him and pull backs it back. Only for the man to do it again, and again, and again.

He said the woman on the first report and the woman on th last report was often two different people. The last one barely human any more, they have Been so beaten down and abused, they become so scared they barely function. So different to the woman she once was when she made the first report.

Don't do it to yourself. The type of man who will punch his own wife in the gut and lie about it to her face, is the type of man whose going to dole out one heck of a lot more. You know what've you've got coming to you.

If you can't get out for your sake, do it fo your kids.

It sounds like he could have easily ruptured your spleen or your liver. Those are serious life threatening injuries.

He doesn't care that he could leave his kids without a mother.

If they have contact
And report being shouted
You report to ss safeguarding
Simple
Better you and dc out of it as a safe haven
And you dont know... height be better with them you not there or may not bother with contact.
But you and dc have more power and control out of it. Can choose not to go
Can report

Thank you all for your kind replies.
It’s nice to tell someone- albeit online- after last night I was beginning to think maybe he’s right (I’ve gone mad - it never happened)
I’ll call womansaide tomorrow and make a plan to leave.
I know money might be tight for a while, but we’ll be safe which is all that matters now.
Thank you x

Un-mumsnetty hugs, OP.

Remember you can keep this thread going to provide support. But do make use of private browsing and log out between sessions if you think there's any chance of him cyber-stalking you. You can also get MNHQ to move this thread to part of the board that doesn't show up in Google searches.

Get yourself out of the situation. He will not change. 100% certainty.

after last night I was beginning to think maybe he’s right (I’ve gone mad - it never happened)

That is part of the abuse. He is gaslighting you. Act now.

It isn't just about keeping them safe now, even if they are with him 50% (which probably won't happen) it shows them the rest of the time that his behavior isn't normal. This let's them build normal boundaries for the future and stops them ending up in the cycle of abuse. As a kid I just wanted space from my dad.

He escalated too and then one day it was me he hit and then my brother.

Pressed send too quickly. Make a plan and be careful.

You have to leave...your choice is leave now or leave when it gets much worse for both you and your children. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your children.

You have to get out OP. I know it wont be easy but you have to. This will only get worse. Be strong for your kids and get out of there. In the mean time gather evidence. Chances are he wont fight for custody and he wouldnt get it anyway. Good luck.

Also try Refuge:
www.refuge.org.uk/

They have set up a National Domestic Violence Helpline with Women’s Aid: Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247

HV, GP and local council (social services / safeguarding) can also give advice. Our local safeguarding department have a single access point phone number who inform all relevant services and coordinate help and advice (includes police / ss / HV / GP etc.) look on your council website. Good Luck

Is there any way you can ask a relatve or friend to pretend to 'be in the area' and need a bed for tonight? Or ask someone to pay for a hotel for a few nights and take you and the kids while you sort out some stuff?
It would keep you safer in case things escalate again.
You really need to get to your GP to register any injuries, and to report it to the Police- preferably today so they can respond more quickly if you need to call them if he gets violent again.
Another advantage of reporting domestic abuse, is apparently you'll be eligible for legal aid when you need to settle the divorce.
I'm sure you're reeling from it all at the moment. You can do this. You must do it!
for you

I've met three women in my life who were abused. None of them left.

Woman one. We were young and in our twenties, one day she came to work and told me he beat her. He would make her say bad things about herself, then he'd pull her hair, kick her, punch her. I don't know what happened to her, as I moved job, but she was still with him when I left. I couldn't understand it. She was gorgeous, confident, had a good job, no kids. And she went home and took it from him.

Woman two worked for my grandmother, a woman in her fifties. A big six foot twenty odd stone woman, who my grandmother found lying naked in her flat (she hadn't turned up to work) with the door wide open. He'd beaten her and raped her. Left her laying like garbage, with the door open for anyone to see. And walked out. She also didn't leave him.

A mum at school, I'd been at her house. She was lovely but a bit boastful she had a beautiful home. I had an event for my daughter and her daughter was at it, after she phoned me, and asked if I could keep her child for a while. I agreed even though it was awkward, as I had visitors.

She walked into my house several hours later. To collect her daughter. Beaten to within an inch of her life. Her face all bruised. Shaken and traumatised, she said she'd hit her face repeatedly on her car door. It was an accident. We gave her a glass of wine and talked gently to her. It was just awful. It was clear her husband had beaten her badly and that's why I had her daughter, She told her daughter "daddy is in a bad mood so you just have to go to bed when you get in". The little girl knew.

And off she went. Home again. And she didn't leave either. For the following few years she avoided me at school, and I'd often look at her and wonder how she lived like that. That beneath that exterior, she was getting brutally beaten by her husband. And her kids knew it.

And they all started with just one push. One shove. One punch.

The custody issue is a massive worry, but yes, get yourself a plan with the help of Wome s Aid or Refuge, and your family, and leave when everything is in place. I would contact social services either when you leave, or have just left and get their advice.

I'll never forget the chilling words an abused colleague said to me years ago:

"The first time they hit you you're astonished; the second time you think it must be you and by the third you're broken and can't leave. That's all it takes, and abusers know this."

Get out while you can

A nd go to gp and report so there is a record
And police ..but you really need an escape plan

OP leave as soon as possible while it's clear why you left.

If you leave it a while, it starts to feel ''dramatic'' to leave (this is only conditioning,not reality) but I understand the mindset having been there. You start to think, well, I put up with it last month, and last week, what is so different about today that I'm suddenly going to be so dramatic as to leave?

I cannot believe now that I saw things like that. It was the anaesthetic that numbed me to the reality of what was going on that prevented me from doing anything pro-active.

Leave, no matter the circumstances. Go to a refuge and start again. I left without the proverbial pot and things could from then on BEGIN to get better. And they have. Freedom never loses its gloss as somebody who'd been through a similar experience said to me.

Such good advice on this thread.

clear to YOU I mean.

Things become less clear the more time passes and the more time passes. You start to think 'What is Happy, Do I have a right to be Happy, Can I be Happy despite this? How Happy is anybody anyway. Would I be exchanging one set of problems (physical danger?) for another (poverty)? The more I thought things through the more unclear the answer was.

This is hard to understand now but I guess looking back it was because I didn't believe in my right to a line. He crossed a line when he hit me but I didn't FEEL that line, internally. I knew it in theory. Nobody should hit me. I knew that. But I didn't FEEL the outrage I should have felt.

Please just leave and then sort it all out afterwards. It can all be sorted out. Honestly.