He hit me once - should I leave- or how do I get over it

[mum2be2013]

Hi
I don’t where/how to post so sorry if this goes in the wrong place, but my husband hit me (just one punch in the stomach) but enough to leave doubled up in agony and sore for a couple of days after and I don’t know what to do about it.
Initially I said I’d leave, but it was an empty threat- and he knows it- I have no where to go (I have 2 small children, and I gave up work after the second so I’m totally financially dependent on him now and we recently moved here so I don’t have any close friends here and I don’t drive so I can’t even physically get the kids to go to my folks without him, even if I needed too).
We were together a long time - and he’s always got angry easily- but it was never directed at me until after we were married- and before this incident there were only a couple of other of pushing and shoving- so nothing as violent as punching me. I thought I’d just forget about it- but I can’t - everytime he shouts at me - I get really tense as I’m not sure if he’ll do it again. And I’d hate for the children to see him get violent.
But I don’t know what to do.
The worse thing is the day after he said it didn’t happen- and no one would believe me (he is the perfect dad and husband in Front of my family & friends), then he said it was an accident- and it was only when I said I was leaving that he admitted it and said sorry.
Then last night I tried to speak to him about anger management classes and he denied it happened again and then got angry and I dropped the subject as I was scared he’d get violent again if I didn’t.

The first thing to do is get out of there. When you are safe then we can help you with the next steps. I’ve got a friend who was in a similar position. She had no family. She got out. Years later she has a new fella and is happy. You can do this.

Testing boundaries, until it gets to full blown beat ups. Hills are that way>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Thank you so much for all your replies.

I think I’m just finding it really hard to come to terms with the fact that it’s happening to me. We’re both well educated and come from good families with decent parents, we’ve both had good jobs (although I’m not working now) and although we’re not loaded we are comfortable and we have a nice house- so I just don’t understand why he’s like this...

You need to leave, but there's no need to run out of the door now and get on the first bus. Call a domestic violence organisation (e.g. Women's Aid). Make a plan. Make sure he has absolutely no idea what you are up to as the most dangerous time is once he suspects you might be trying to leave. Then take the kids and leave when you have everything in place.

Don't ever go back, no matter how sorry he seems or how much family and friends try to convince you. If you go back, it will start all over again. He might be ok for a while but it will start again and escalate sooner or later.

Just seen your update. I understand it. Both my ex-h and I were Oxbridge educated, professional jobs, from happy, loving families. DV can happen to anyone, anyone can be the perpetrator. It doesn't matter about level of education, wealth, status ... it's all about power and control.

You are in a violent relationship, op. The previous episodes of pushing and shoving are also violence. It is escalating. Next time you step out of line will be worse. And the next. You trying to manage him will not work because the goalposts only he can see will be constantly moving.

Did you think only certain types of people end up in violent households ? That a nice home would protect you ? Think again.

Don't subject your children to this upbringing. Seek professional help.

The nasty bstard,he punches you and doesnt acknowledge it and calls you a liar ?.
Red flag sign here,get out for your safety and the dcs. I cant believe he said no-one would believe you? very manipulative and worrying.

Read lundy Bancroft book why does he do that
Domestic abuse happens to all classes and levels of education

It will escalate.
Family will believe you
You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.
He is the problem not you

Leave. NOW. It will only get worse. Sure he hasn’t hit you again YET but he will. As soon as you are no longer too scared to say or do what you need to he will hit you and use it as a form of control.

He’s already ensured you are financially dependent and isolated.

Call women’s aid and work on an exit strategy.

Family will believe you

Well, they may, they may not. Unfortunately we can't take that for granted. But either way she needs to get out.

Leave OP. No question.

Refuge

Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline:

0808 2000 247

Yes you need to leave and as soon as possible.

People will actually believe you and can probably already see through him or certainly will.

Nobody has ever punched me in the stomach. It’s completely unacceptable.

OP get over the social stigma and get the hell away from this evil man. What happens when he starts taking it out on your children?

Just because you moved away, doesn't mean your old friends and family won't support you. You must contact them and tell them what's happen. Please plan your exit safely.

so I just don’t understand why he’s like this..
Because he in an abuser.
Stop trying to analyse it.
It just doesn't make any sense and it never will.
Get your exit plan together and the hell out of there.

OP. Imagine yourselves retired. You won't be able to sit together musing over your lovely life. You'll be sitting there horrified that you're still with a man who punched you.

Ok, so if I go- my main worry (more than the money- although that is a worry as I don’t have any savings left)- is will he get shared custody?

As I couldn’t let the children go to him without me there to protect them. (He’s not been physical with them, but he shouts at them (a lot) whenever he’s with them (unless we’re in public or with family/ friends and then he’s the perfect dad) - but at home he seems angry with me and them, most of the time - and if I hear him starting on them I take them away from him.
If he gets custody (and he might as I’ve looked over the last week at family court cases and if you can’t prove he’s been violent (which I can’t) he’s more than likely going to get shared custody and I can’t risk them being left alone with him.
And even though he doesn’t want to bother with them most of the time at home- I know he’d fight for custody- As he said he wouldn’t let me take take them (this was a while back, before he hit me, when I couldnt take him shouting at me anymore and I wanted us to talk about separating/divorce. (He wouldn’t)

But my fear is I get us away safely and then the courts order that the children have to live with him half the week and then they are stuck there with a very angry man (I don’t know if he’s physically hurt them so I’m not suggesting that- but he does shout at them quiet aggressively and I imagine if I’m not there to try to keep them away from him it would be worse- and I couldn’t bear that.

You need to leave. You have to protect yourself and your children, and frankly, who gives a shit about what other people think? You know the truth, they don't. He's shown you who he is. It's now up to you whether you become a doormat for his abuse and subject your children to seeing it, or you leave and life a life of safety. I know I sound harsh, but it's the reality of what your options are. None of us can make you do anything, but believe us all when we tell you that it will get worse.

If he's violent you need to be smarter than he is. Play nice until you can get out. When he's working tomorrow (presumably), gather bank statements that prove his pay and savings, passports, any other important documents. Give them to someone who can keep them in a safe place. Ring your parents/anyone who you are close with and can take you and the children in. Let them know what's happened, that you're leaving and you need help. Literally bung everything that you need, your kids need, and especially anything irreplaceable/sentimental/important into a car tomorrow, and go. I'd also highly recommend you file a police report regarding him assaulting you. At least that way if he tries to get custody, he'll be laughed out of court. It'll be on your terms.

You have to protect yourself. At least if you can prove his income, savings etc, you'll get an equal split in divorce proceedings, and fair child maintenance. This will keep you afloat.

I know it probably seems like this is a huge jump, but you have to look after yourself and your kids. What if next week he hits you again? What if the week after he hits one of the kids? What if he hurts you so badly you need to go to hospital, but he won't let you go?

Also, please delete your history on your computer. Make sure he can't find out before you leave, that you are leaving. The risk is too great. Women's Aid can advise more than any of us can, but also remember to delete any numbers you've rang off your phone. The only way you can get away safely, is if he doesn't know it's going to happen.

Take care of yourself. You can do this. No one deserves to be hit. No one deserves to be gaslighted. No one deserves to be abused. It will be okay, but only if you leave.

That's not going to happen yet.
One thing at a time. Deal with getting to a safe place first.

Have you any visible bruising from the assault? Take photos.

He's not going to fight for custody, he has a job. You're looking for reasons not to leave him.

Op, as others have said, it will get worse now. This time a punch. Next time a punch and a kicking. And so on.

Don't be that woman. The one who turns into a hollow shell. Who lives in fear, who tells herself her kids don't know. When deep down she knows they do.

You have to leave. There will never be a better time. And rhe next time you'll wish to god you had.

If you're married to the sort of man who will do this. You're married to the sort of man who will continue to do it and do it worse each time.

Because he knows he can

@mum2be2013

Is there any bruising where he's punched you? Any tenderness? I'd really think about reporting this. Police are very aware of the risk behind domestic abuse and will be able to advise you. If it's been reported, I can't see how he'd get much custody, if any at all. You are also the main caregiver and it's in the children's best interests they stay with you. Again, Women's Aid will be able to advise you on this much more than most of us here can. I urge you to ring them when it's safe to do so, and explore your options.

My ex started pushing and shoving. Then they became a punch or slap here and there. Eventually it would turn into a beating, just whenever he fancied. It nearly always is a downward spiral. Get out, no matter what it takes and take your children with you.
The fact that he was denying it shows he has no remorse - that's worrying

OK - with your update - I would get SS involved.
They can look into his abuse of the children but yourself and your DC will need to be totally honest about it all.
They can then help to keep contact to supervised only.

Him saying he won't let you take them is bullshit.
He is using them to keep you in your place.
He really won't bother with them once you are gone.
It's all crap.
He works full time - who will look after the DC?
You are their primary to ignore his stupid threats.

@spookybitches is right. Even if he does show remorse at some point, don't believe him. My ex from a long time ago hit me and left bruises. Granted, he didn't do it again. But he continued to be emotionally abusive and leave me as a shell of a person. He controlled where I went, what I did, what I ate, what I said, it just goes on. Abusers don't just do nasty things then stop. In one way or another, the abuse continues.