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Original poster

Dont no what to think

64 replies

flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 12:19

This is a difficult one.

Been with dh since i was 16, 35 now. We have children.

Not to drip feed, when i was pregnamt with dc2 14 years ago he cheated on me, we worked through it and stayed together.

Last night a friend called asked for advice about a car, i have no clue about these things so said i would pass her to my dh. We were sitting at the table and his phone vibrated and it was a message from our group chat we have with friends, so i picked it up to look, dh turned saw i had his phone and literally grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm to get his phone back.

When he finished the ohone call i asked what was that all about he said me and another mutual friend are planning a supprise for you over chat.
I private messaged mutual friend and said this wasn't true hadn't spoke to dh in ages, i explained situtaion and said if it is a supprise i dont want to no but just to confirm what dh has said.

Dh at work mutual friend came over and showed me all messages in past to prove.

What would you think, i mean i guess its obvious dh hiding something.

OP posts:
Original poster
flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 12:50

Sorry about the typos etc, im using my phone

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 26/09/2019 12:52

If it's group chat you both have with friends (you say we) can't you look at it on your own phone?

Original poster
flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 12:55

Dh was talking to a friend on my phone, his phone was on table the group chat pinged so i just had a look

OP posts:
Original poster
flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 12:59

Not sure ifnu made it clear, the group chat is just random chat we have with a couple that we have know years, just general chat every now and then. So when i saw it ping and dh was using my phone on a call i just looked.

He said he was planning something with a completely different friend although also mutal, a private chat not on group chat. Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 26/09/2019 13:21

@flippyflapper. I'm sorry but in reality you know the answer don't you?

My DH and I are both totally open about our phones, not by conscious decision but we don't have secrets and therefore we have a fingerprint in each other's phones and iPads etc if we need to use

What is also wrong is that he has assaulted you as well

Well done for working through his last affair but it sounds like he is back at it, ie an EA. I couldn't have done

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2019 14:10

Well he's up to something.
Any evidence will now be erased.
I'd keep my eye on things and snoop when I could.
You know something isn't right.
So start digging.

Tableclothing · 26/09/2019 14:13

dh turned saw i had his phone and literally grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm to get his phone back

Does he often do things like that?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2019 14:16

He assaulted you in a panic to get his phone back, and then lied straight to your face about why.

I think you already know he's fucking around. A billboard couldn't make it any clearer.

Original poster
flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 15:14

No he has never ever hurt me in anyway, always been amazing.

So my friend texted him asking if he had forgotten something they are planning as i called him and asked (mutal friend and me are much more closer) his reply was yeah she was looking at my phone i should of just let her look. So this will be what he comes out with now the whole here look if you want, which is pointless. Even tho i didn't want to look through his phone, i never did, just look at the group chat. I never look through his phone.

No point snooping on there as that will be well and truely pointless now.

What do i do, he will never admit it, never did last time until i had the evidence right in front of him. This evidence was someone told me and gave me the number of the girl he was seeing.

OP posts:
womenspeakout · 26/09/2019 15:19

Yeah he's clearly hiding something, to assault you to get his phone back, then come up with such a lie.

God. I don't know what you do, but what he did to you in order to get you away from his phone is bad enough.....

womenspeakout · 26/09/2019 15:20

If it's group chat you both have with friends (you say we) can't you look at it on your own phone?

The OP didn't need to see the group chat, she's not after seeing that.

The issue is, he was worried about her having his phone, for reasons other than the group chat.

Original poster
flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 15:29

He will deny everything and fo to any depths to make me think nothing is wrong, i can't even be bothered to confront him as i no the lies that will come out.
I just don't no where to go from here.
He is home now and we aren't talking, he knows im upset so we shall see

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 26/09/2019 15:54

No he has never ever hurt me in anyway, always been amazing.

Yet he cheated on you when you were pregnant. If you think that after that he’s amazing then you have very low standards. Especially as it looks like he’s doing it again.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2019 15:55

e will never admit it, never did last time until i had the evidence
So he's done it before and you forgave him with no consequences for his actions and now he's doing it again!
Why am I not surprised.
You know what to do OP.
Please value yourself and your life and kick his arse out.
I've no idea why you are putting his affairs and assault!

LuckyLou7 · 26/09/2019 16:01

He doesn't sound like a nice man - denying anything untoward is going on, when it's blindingly obvious something is! Get angry, demand to know what he's up to. Is he having an affair or simply planning to have one?

MashedSpud · 26/09/2019 16:03

Violently getting their phone back, taking their phone everywhere, breaking the phone rather than showing it and suddenly changing the passcode are all signs of a cheater.

Original poster
flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 16:08

Ok so the last time i forgave him i was a very different person very insecure, i had antenatal depression which i didn't no at the time. I was 7 months pregnant, and a 2 year old. It was awful, but he went above and beyond and pretty much has since, its been 14 years and life has been good, we since had more children.

But now im faced with this, can someone act for all thoes years?
I am so much stronger now and i have absolutely no doubts that if im proven right he will be out for good.

He has appologised for my arm which has a bruise, i bruise easily but still. He is swearing on kids lives he would never cheat, he loves me kids etc etc.
Of course told me to look at his phone, he doesn't no why he stopped me and wishes he just let me.

It's hard to talk as kids are all here and keep walking in.

What the hell do i do.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2019 16:13

He is swearing on kids lives he would never cheat, he loves me kids etc etc Yeah yeah - they ALL say that. It's total crap.
What platform on his phone do you communicate with?
Text, whats app, imessenger?
I would ask to see the phone at a totally different time.
Maybe on Saturday afternoon.
Look at his battery in settings and see where he is spending most of his time and see if that makes sense.
He can delete apps but he can't delete if he's been on a specific app.
It could even be dating but they will also show up.
He might no know you can check that way but you can.
Just spring it on him over the weekend and see his reaction.
I found out from the batter usage about my cheating ExP.
It's very handy indeed.

Original poster
flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 16:18

We use whatsapp.

Oh he isn't silly, from now on if i am right he will be very careful and will not have anything on his phone as he said i can look anytime.

With us and group chat he uses it alot so i don't no how to check the battery

OP posts:
RLEOM · 26/09/2019 17:38

I'd not say anything, pretend all is OK, lull him into a false sense of security and then in a few weeks, when he's asleep, I'd snoop down his phone. Just be prepared what you want to check - google history? Calls? Messages? Emails? Facebook? Apps?

I know how calculating I sound but it's better than confronting him now. If he is hiding something, he will be sure to delete it and anything else he's hiding in future. But if he thinks you don't suspect anything now, he won't cover his tracks. It's all about protecting your future mental state.

Mummybares · 26/09/2019 17:43

Hes cheating.

Original poster
flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 17:46

He has that finger print thing in his phone and password i think, he really isn't going to be stupid again, he has said check his phone anytime i like now, no point even looking.

Apart from chatting to me he hasn't been on whatsapp at all today, last logged on this morning.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2019 18:34

He grabbed your wrist and twisted your arm so hard he left a bruise. For that alone my husband would be out on his arse and there would be no second chances. You really need to raise your standards.

Original poster
flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 18:42

We have been together 20 odd years, he has never so much as shouted at me! So the arm thing alone i can get over, of course if it happened again that's a different story and i have said as much. But saying that if a friend had told me the same i would also be saying the same as you.

Im still getting the i love you, i would never jeopardise what we have, me and kids are his world, he will do what he can to prove it bla bla. Im not stupid and im not falling for it, but for me to turn everything upside down for my family, my children i need proof because he would never admit it. also because he is "the nicest man ive ever met " "he is such an amazing husband and father" " you are so lucky to have him" comments i always get and always agreed with will come with " he would never do that again" " he loves you so much"
So for my own sanity i need proof

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 26/09/2019 18:47

I imagined he loved you when he cheated on you before.

I think this is all very dodgy, but you are going to have to wait to get your proof. He will be on lockdown now.