Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Dont no what to think

64 replies

flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 12:19

This is a difficult one.

Been with dh since i was 16, 35 now. We have children.

Not to drip feed, when i was pregnamt with dc2 14 years ago he cheated on me, we worked through it and stayed together.

Last night a friend called asked for advice about a car, i have no clue about these things so said i would pass her to my dh. We were sitting at the table and his phone vibrated and it was a message from our group chat we have with friends, so i picked it up to look, dh turned saw i had his phone and literally grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm to get his phone back.

When he finished the ohone call i asked what was that all about he said me and another mutual friend are planning a supprise for you over chat.
I private messaged mutual friend and said this wasn't true hadn't spoke to dh in ages, i explained situtaion and said if it is a supprise i dont want to no but just to confirm what dh has said.

Dh at work mutual friend came over and showed me all messages in past to prove.

What would you think, i mean i guess its obvious dh hiding something.

OP posts:

Windmillwhirl · 26/09/2019 18:47

imagine*

Sleepyhead19 · 26/09/2019 18:55

My ex did the same when I didn’t put out after my son was born. He gave me the I’m so sorry rubbish, he’d make it up to me and never do it again. It’s crap. They always do. Never even tried to rectify it and didn’t give a damn how he hurt me.
I found after he’d been texting other women again and said only as ‘friends’. If I hadn’t seen a text pop up on his watch, I might’ve believed him but she was saying she was glad he fancied her and was looking at things they could do on dates. Friends my backside. Once a cheat and all that.

C0untDucku1a · 26/09/2019 19:00

He hurt you and bruised you. So you would see what was on his phone. Dont put up with that. What are your options?

Original poster

flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 19:05

See sleephead since he got caught he has literally not put a finger wrong in all the 14 years since, he had been well as i said amazing, he would do anything for me and the kids, never moaned about working then helping out at home (we had 3 babies at 1 point, 3 under age 1) he would rub my feet when he got in from work, we have always been like this since just the happy couple who both would do anything for each other. So its completely out of the blue. He has never even raised his voice at me or kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 19:11

Yes it did hurt and like i said i bruise very easily, this is not the point i no as he shouldn't of done it.

My options i guess are to bury my head in the sand, which im not going to.

Or wait until i find something.

I would potentially be a single mum to 5. I can do that, its me that does the lion share as he works. Being on my own with kids doesn't frighten me at all.

Money wise, since i was 18 when we had our first dc apart from little jobs here and there i have no qualifications to fall on but that wont stop me, ill find something.

And support wise i have my lovely mum and sister and really close friends.

I will have no problem doing what I need to do if i am right in all this

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 26/09/2019 19:46

Ask to see the chat about the surprise. If it doesn't exist then he's lying. But you know that already, don't you?

Original poster

flippyflapper · 26/09/2019 19:48

I do already no thats rubbish, he said he is sorry he doesn't no why he said that ir reacted that way, thats all that he says about it no matter what i say

OP posts:

katalavenete · 26/09/2019 20:24

He will deny everything and fo to any depths to make me think nothing is wrong

Struggling to see how this is compatible with your assertion that he has been more perfect than any human who's ever lived for the last 14 years if he's given you cause to expect this kind of behaviour.

katalavenete · 26/09/2019 20:26

Or wait until i find something

Another 14 years? How long?

Nicolastuffedone · 26/09/2019 20:30

He doesn’t know why he said it was a surprise he was arranging for you?? I do. It was the first thing that came in to his head. There is no surprise....well, not a pleasant one anyway, but you know that.....

ISmellBabies · 26/09/2019 20:32

You think he hasn't put a foot wrong since cheating last time? Obviously he has, he's just learnt to hide it better. He's fucking someone else again. You know it, he knows you know it, you're just letting him get away with it all over again. Clearly wasting 14 years wasn't enough, how many more are you going to waste on this obvious lying cheater?

Witchinaditch · 26/09/2019 20:41

Sorry if this has been asked, but did he hurt you when he grabbed you? Sorry OP it doesn’t sound good.

headinhands · 26/09/2019 21:08

Im still getting the i love you, i would never jeopardise what we have, me and kids are his world, he will do what he can to prove it bla bla.

If my dh had got the idea I was having an affair it wouldn't occur to me to say this sort of thing. I'd just be like 'you're hilarious' etc. What he means is 'I don't think I'll jeopardise what we have again, you and the kids are my world now I've been found out, I will do what I can to make you think it was a silly misunderstanding.

Joeler · 26/09/2019 21:11

He'll probably have another (2nd phone) by now so the one you see him with will always be clean.You already know he's up to no good,it's whether or not you are prepared to forgive and forget that's the issue.

MsDogLady · 26/09/2019 21:11

What are your dealbreakers?

He was desperate and willing to hurt you to get his phone. Then he took you for a fool by lying about the surprise with the mutual friend.

Violence and lying. Those are dealbreakers for me. I would tell him to leave. You don’t have to have proof of his latest infidelity.

Nicolastuffedone · 26/09/2019 21:18

OP, he all but broke your arm in his desperation to get his phone from you......why was that?

MadeForThis · 26/09/2019 21:32

He can't explain why he didn't want you looking at his phone. If he can't explain you can't trust him.

magicstar1 · 26/09/2019 21:37

WhatsApp deleted messages can be restored very easily. I’m sure you could see anything that he’s wiped off.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/09/2019 22:04

Ask him what the surprise was he was planning? Think quickly when he tells you and ask him for proof that dates back before he grabbed your arm. The friend he was texting should still have the messages about the 'so called surprise' he can show you....

I strongly suspect neither of them will be able to prove anything at all. If that's the case I'd be asking him to move out whilst you have a good think about what you want to do. I know is struggle if I didn't have any proof, but - bruised arm is enough to ask him to leave imo.

RamblinRosie · 26/09/2019 23:09

In my experience, when a man swears on his children’s lives , he’s lying. It’s too theatrical.

Honest men say “No” or “I didn’t “.

Essentially he’s saying that his/your children should die if he’s lying, so you cannot challenge that without claiming he doesn’t love his children.

KhaleesiTargaryen · 26/09/2019 23:18

If it's group chat you both have with friends (you say we) can't you look at it on your own phone?

missing the point entirely...

You knew it was the group chat, OP, he clearly didn't. The way he reacted speaks volumes. Please don't accept this. He's abusive, lying and almost certainly cheating.

HypatiaCade · 27/09/2019 00:31

What you now need to do is bomb proof yourself. Take this as a wake up call as to how vulnerable you really are.

1 - work out your finances. How would you survive if you had to find yourself for 6 months without your DH? Start a separate savings account.

2 - what work would you really like to do? Does it require special qualifications? Go and get them. Perhaps enrol in a small course to give yourself a taster/ get started.

3- explore childcare options. It's good to know what is around so that you can access it quickly if ever you need.

4 - start protecting your friendship group. If the worst happens you will likely lose friends. There are always friends who 'don't want to choose sides' and a lot them you will gradually lose. So the ones you want to have on your side - solidify those friendships now.

Original poster

flippyflapper · 27/09/2019 00:51

Thank you to all that has commented.

I can't sleep, stomach pains and i feel sick.

I hear you all i really do, i need some time to think, im going to talk to my mum tomorrow. I think that will help me.

OP posts:

headinhands · 27/09/2019 08:26

Morning Flappy. Try some sweet tea or coke, not diet! Be super gentle with yourself and keep posting here. ❤️

Original poster

flippyflapper · 27/09/2019 11:08

Thank you,

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3