Should I go and visit the new baby?

[titnomatani]

Going to try and keep this short:

I come from a very, very toxic family (abusive, hostile, selfish, gaslighting b*stards). In the past, I was naive and must've come across as easy pray because they all used me for years (either emotionally or financially) and I feel I've spent most of my life trying to please them but never really getting the recognition/acceptance I deserved. Years and years of therapy has taught me to (semi) let go and get on with my own life. Despite this, I still end up getting reeled into their dramas and ALWAYS come out the bad guy who can't do right.

Present situation is my only brother has had a baby- hurrah- except his wife isn't talking to any of the sisters (4 of us) because my brother has been stirring between everyone making himself the victim. His wife has openly and verbally abused us all but especially me (she returned an expensive gift I gave her at her wedding and donated all the rest of my presents to her to charity and then sent me a card telling me what she'd done and how she thought I was a b*tch). My other 3 sisters are going to go and visit the baby on the weekend (because no matter how bitchy they are to each other, they pull out all the stops on official occasions like these) and one of them has got in touch to see if I'd like to join them. They're also gifting the baby £100 each. I feel quite bitter about this because when my baby was born a year ago- he got stained/damaged hand me downs from his aunts and one new outfit each and my brother got him a baby grow and a pack of vests. Everything was gratefully received at my end but I can't help but feel different/an outsider again. Also, I'm currently expecting my second baby and feeling quite emotional and will probably end up in tears if I go and see everyone pretending they love each other and wondering why I'm the one they so openly mistreat without a care in the world.

Should I still go, fake a smile and see my nephew or should I stay where I am and make my excuses? I come from a culture where family is revered and you're meant to sacrifice yourself for them. I'm done with all that bullshit because my lot don't deserve my loyalty. My brother is a drama queen so if I'm the only one missing, he'll go to town on it (for context, he rang me when I'd had my baby and I had come out from theatre after an EMCS and blasted at me for having the baby earlier than he thought because he wasn't now able to come and see us as HE'D planned and blamed me that it was going to cause problems in his marriage- a total douchebag- my sisters are just as worse if not more). Also, I'm not working atm and although we're okay on just my husband's salary, I can't justify gifting £100 to anyone. I'm also reluctant to gift the baby outfits because of how his mum donated all my expensive gifts to her to charity- in hindsight at least they went to a good cause but I'm not in a position to spend money on things and then those things being given away IYSWIM.

Wwyd? Please help me make sense of this situation.

I think you should keep yourself right & go see the baby. Even for a short visit, show face almost if that's all you're comfortable with. You're pregnant so have an excuse to leave. You'll have seen your nephew which will be nice & will eliminate the chance of your brother calling you up again being unreasonable. You don't need that.

I totally understand the annoyance about the £100 gift!

No. Stay well away from the lot of them. Block them so if they stew over it you don’t have to hear about it.

Focus on yourself, your pregnancy and the family you have created. These awful people add nothing to your life but stress and pain. You deserve better than that.

I'd just send a card and not go. They will hate on you anyway so why out yourself through it.

I’m surprised you’re speaking to any of them tbh. If you go then your brother and the rest of them will no doubt just find something else to be angry at you for so really what’s the point. I’d focus on the family that really matters- your DH and DC.

@Everafter1

I think you should keep yourself right & go see the baby. Even for a short visit, show face almost if that's all you're comfortable with.

See, that's what I'm conditioned to do and have done in the past out of being polite or the bigger person. I'm just not feeling it this time. There's a massive difference between how I've been there for them through everything and how they've been there for me. I think I'm done with pretending it'll all be okay in the end and we'll be a happy family. Having a baby has done that- I don't want the next generation to feel as lost and confused as I've been all my life around my siblings. And, there's no way I'm letting my son grow up thinking it's right for his mum to be treated like that by her family. Someone needs to break the cycle and I think I'm ready for it. I'm scared of the repercussions though- my son will be ostracised from my side of the family. They'll all make up after visiting the baby, ignore what's happened in the past and they'll all unite in hating me which means my son won't have access to his cousins (their children).

These awful people add nothing to your life but stress and pain.

So, so true. I'm torn between doing the 'selfish' thing (that's right by me and my family- DC and DH) vs 'duty' vs not being left out again.

@Expressedways

I’m surprised you’re speaking to any of them tbh

For some reason, I really struggle to break away from them all. They've caused so much pain and upset (one of them falsely accusing me of theft and reporting me to the police on my birthday, another one stealing from me, the other stealing my childhood friends by telling them lies about me) in my life but I'm always there for them still. In the past I thought I was strong and their behaviour didn't affect me. Since I've become a mum though, I don't feel as resilient or invincible anymore. I feel fragile and the tiniest thing makes me feel so hurt and upset. I know I have to be strong for my own children and family hence me thinking I'm going to sit this gathering out and covering it up with an excuse.

@DocusDiplo sending a card is a brilliant idea but they'd expect there to be some money in it. I don't want to nor can afford to give them money.

I'm done with all that bullshit because my lot don't deserve my loyalty

Don't compromise your principles for anyone.

What makes you think your brother's wife would welcome a visit from you? Are you expected to attend only to be refused entry or blatantly ignored?

You owe this entitled couple precisely NOTHING and you certainly shouldn't be spending money on gifts, or giving up your time to appease them or your sisters.

If you don't yet feel bold or brave enough to tell them to do one, simply say that you can't attend as you're suffering from a bout of d&v and don't want to risk the health of others including the baby.

You'll have seen your nephew which will be nice & will eliminate the chance of your brother calling you up again being unreasonable

What would be 'nice' about the OP seeing the offspring of a couple who have been absolutely hateful to her, Everafter1?

If the proposed visit came with a cast-iron guarantee that the OP's brother and batshit wife would never contact her again I'm sure she'd jump at the chance to see her nephew, but that's as likely as a finding a snowball in hell, needle in haystack etc.

Go, but gift your OWN baby the £100. Put it in a bank account as a present from uncle and aunt and new baby. Thank them profusely for their generosity and charity. Tell them that you know that is exactly what they would want you to do so that they don’t taint their holy paws with your grubby money.

An even better plan for the OP would be to NOT go and gift her own baby the £100, justlou1

Absolutely don’t go op
Your 3 sisters sound nasty and your brother is an arsehole
I don’t have contact with 5 of my six siblings
Yes it’s sad and I wish things were different but I’m much happier.
A once close family member had a baby recently I would have loved to been part of it but I know it would have been fake. I wished her well with her new baby and I left it at that
Best of luck whatever you decide to do

My family are also toxic. When I recently told my sister I was pregnant she sent me a nasty message and then blocked me because I wouldn’t take her phone calls.

I knew she was going to abuse me - nasty messages, silence, followed by constant phone calls - I knew the signs and I wanted no part in her drama.

She sent a separate message to the group chat saying she had congratulated me.

You can’t win with toxic people. Whatever decision you make will be the wrong decision.

Your brother is horrid. Your family don’t know boundaries and want to put on the happy families act.

In my case I was subjected to verbal and emotional abuse. I was also threatened with physical violence. It was early in my pregnancy and I realised that I needed to get away from these people as the stress wasn’t good for me.

If you don’t pop in, they will use it against you.

If you do pop in - what is the worst that can happen?

You make your appearance, say something nice, drop off exactly the same cheap present your brother bought you and then leave. Say you have a medical appointment.

It’s a token effort. If your brother complains - say you’re shocked as it’s exactly the same present he got you.

When your next baby is born; stay away from them. Focus on your own family.

I wouldn't go. You say "I come from a culture where family is revered and you're meant to sacrifice yourself for them." but your siblings haven't kept to this so I think you can consider yourself well and truly released from any cultural obligations m. I would send a card perhaps with a Mothercare voucher in for a fraction of what your sisters are giving but don't be obliged to even do that.

@titnomatani

They've caused so much pain and upset (one of them falsely accusing me of theft and reporting me to the police on my birthday, another one stealing from me, the other stealing my childhood friends by telling them lies about me)

That is absolutely disgusting behaviour!

I can’t believe they would do that!

The behaviour exhibited by your siblings is in no way rational.

Since I've become a mum though, I don't feel as resilient or invincible anymore. I feel fragile and the tiniest thing makes me feel so hurt and upset.

since I got pregnant I wanted to make massive changes with my family and put up boundaries. I don’t want the toxic drama around me or my child.

I think you need to decide what you want to do. If that means staying away, then stay away 💐

Since having my children I have reassessed my life and put down boundaries. I have toxic siblings who live in drama. I withdrew from them both and their children. Just send a card acknowledging the new baby. No need to spend money that you dont have. Just stay away and focus on yourself and your family.

They can expect all they want. Just send a card and limit contact.

@titnomatani why would you want to put yourself and your unborn child through the stress of going?

For godsake go NC. I really don't see what you're getting out of this family apart from negativity

I'm just not feeling it this time. There's a massive difference between how I've been there for them through everything and how they've been there for me. I think I'm done with pretending it'll all be okay in the end and we'll be a happy family
Is there really a question of if you should go then?

What would be 'nice' about the OP seeing the offspring of a couple who have been absolutely hateful to her
That's a bit much, the baby isn't the problem.

OP you don't have to go. Without outing myself I've had a horrible experience with 'close' family member. This person causes physical & mental harm. I'm heavily pregnant. It's thrown everything upside down. Now I'm pregnant I have absolutely no tolerance for anyone who'll cause me harm, but it's a stress I could be doing without. There would be no question of me visiting them & it's in the hands of the police if they try to visit me.

You either go & "get it out the way" so to speak or you don't. If you go, you're going to see the baby & that's it. Wash your hands with the rest.
I'm the type of person who doesn't like to drag something on, if I thought I'd be going to see the child at some point I'd get it out the way.
If you're really done with it all, don't go & you shouldn't feel under pressure to.
As long as your strong & stick to your guns. By the sounds of it you know there'll be a bit of commotion over not going & they'll probably not come to see your baby. As long as that wouldn't add to your hurt.

Use this opportunity to let go of them and their drama.

Nope, just get on with your own life. I have a brother I don’t have a relationship with (well, he’s a half brother, my dad’s from his first marriage, my dad died nearly 20 years ago). I have no idea if he’s ever had any children, but I would have no desire to visit any of them if he did. You can’t choose your family. But you can choose if you want them around messing with your life. I would move on and not look back.

Someone needs to break the cycle and I think I'm ready for it.

Yes to this OP! You don’t owe them anything just because you happen to be biologically related to them. They have treated you like shit for long enough.
Get clear on your boundaries and stick to them.

Not sure why people think you should ‘keep yourself right’ and visit the baby. What does that even mean?

Not sure why people think you should ‘keep yourself right’ and visit the baby. What does that even mean?

I suggested that because OP is unsure, she doesn't need the added stress of them having more ammo while she's pregnant.
In my situation I'm 100% sure, but people don't go down silently & they manipulate in favour of them. It's not easy when you're pregnant.

Get clear on your boundaries and stick to them.
I agree, you absolutely need to stick to it because they'll bend the truth.

I think the question isn't actually about visiting the baby OP. It's if you're ready to cut them all off completely? Would you rather do it now or wait until you've had your baby?
It seems you don't really want estrangement but want them to treat you better. We can't control what other people do unfortunately, we can only control what we accept. You do need to think about your son of course, I'm a firm believer that children shouldn't be a part of adults problems but not everyone can do that & you'd always have to deal with the parents.

I absolutely would not go, it's a no brainer!