Why do I feel hurt :-(

[SpideyMom]

Ok, so I don’t really have a clue how to date, I used to just go with the flow and see where things went. I have been on my own for 4 years since I left my DS dad. It was a terribly abusive relationship which ruined me if I am honest. I don’t think all this time on my own has been intentional, I would have loved to have connected with someone enough to want to see if anything was there, but I haven’t.

Over the last few months I have been getting to know a guy. He chased alot but recently is giving mixed messages. One minute he wants to meet, the next he is cool with his contact. I am cool with people having busy lives, I don’t have the time to invest myself fully into anyone as my DS will always come first, but I am not a mind reader. Any contact is becoming less, although its never really been great, its always been good so I accepted it as if it didnt go any further, I would never rule out a friendship.

But its now got to the point where I am fed up. I am fed up of being pen pals. I cannot gauge how I will feel about someone I am yet to meet. But his getting me down with one minute being amazing, the next being off. I avoid conflict and confrontation wherever possible, but as I dont know where I stand I had to tell him it wasn't right for me. If only just to feel abit of closure on things for myself. Some may feel this is stupid when I haven’t met the person, but I cant just cut someone dead ive been speaking to for a few months now.

So I decided to say I wish him the best and hope he finds what he is looking for but I feel we are at a standstill and don’t want to waste each others time.

His response to be honest has hurt me. Manipulated it back onto me like I am damaged and I am the problem. That I overthink things and its put him off. Nothing I said has been nasty, even though I do feel sometimes his behaviour has started bordering on rude and ignorant I haven’t brought it to his attention. I felt I was doing the nice, respectful thing by respecting that his time isn’t with me and wishing him well.

But now I feel shit and am questioning if I am damaged. I have avoided going into details of my relationship with my DS dad. I don’t feel it is relevant, but I feel mocked for being reserved, and feeling the way he made me feel.

Sorry if I am being silly - just upset that I have been left feeling I am the problem

Big hug to you. I'm so sorry you are feeling so down about this.

However, you are letting someone you haven't even met control your feelings!

I'm not keen on long messaging or chats without meeting someone in real life. At the end of the day, you want a relationship with a real person, not with your phone / computer etc.

I had a number of abusive relationships and your post really resonates with me, as it screams to me of someone hanging all their hopes on a person they've never met and who isn't even messaging them with respect. I've been there and done this & it isn't a good way to try and date people. If at all possible, could you look into some counselling? I'd also recommend the following books: Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov and Get The Guy by Matthew Hussey.

You've had a lucky escape with this guy! Onwards, onwards!

Of course there is nothing wrong with you, you did the right thing.
With the way he responded, he only confirmed you are well rid.

Count yourself lucky, and be happy you spotted this.

Good on you .

Thank you both.

I must sound pathetic but i crave something that is easy, and flows. And it did, but it felt like the moment i showed interest back he has just left me dangling.

I am over my son's Dad, but I am not sure I will ever get over how I was made to feel and forced to think about behaviours and actions. I have been put in a position where I have wondered am I wasting my time and questioning if he is actually being rude to me. Both in our 30's, him being late 30's we should know better and I really do feel communication is key. I dont want to hide how I am being made to feel just to keep them happy.

But I am shocked at his reaction. When I dont feel I said anything wrong at all

He was rude and didn't like being rejected. You are better off without him. Find someone who is nicer.

Really? how can i feel rejected though when he basically kept me dangling?

sorry he feel rejected?

Seriously @SpideyMom please don't waste any more headspace on what this person you've never met may or may not be thinking. You need to be your own number one priority right now. He can just piss off into the online ether from whence he came.

Very simple OP. You are an Empath who is picking up narcs.

The hot cold was designed to draw fuel. Thete will have been others in the background

Well done for knocking it on the head.

Thanks guys, I actually feel I have done the right thing now :-)

Oh you have! Well done. Dodged a bullet.

I've re-educated myself on a narcissist. Oh wow, that is him!

Pretty simple, he didn’t like being dumped, and decided to childishly lash out, hoping to hit a nerve. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

He could have picked any insult, he landed on this one. You did the right thing to end things, and did it nicely. All he’s done is give you one more reason to feel proud of yourself and justified for moving on.

Don’t give him another thought, and don’t let him rock your hard-earned peace of mind. Wipe him from your shoe, and look forward to happier connections elsewhere love.

Yay healthy boundaries x

He's shown his true colours. Why use those words when you haven't even met up yet? Maybe because that is him and thankfully now you know to walk far away from him. It's not you.

he is one of those guys who read too many bad books and think that "keeping them keen" by blowing hot and cold is a thing. A relationship with an adult should be without that sort of games. I'm a single mum too and have no time for this sort of things. You did nothing wrong. x

I feel like punching men like this right on their noses.

And I have never been a violent person!

He is cross because he has lost one of his fishies from one of his fishing rods. You were meant to stay their to be toyed with. So you must be punished, and the way he knows best at this stage is to try to make you feel damaged.

This is not you.

This is not you.

This is him.

Oops there

OP he is a class A fuckwit. Talking for months and not meeting is already a red flag of possibly a relationship on his side or something hes not telling you. The way to tell a prick is if you set down a perfectly reasonable boundary for yourself and they flip their lid on you. It's nothing to do with you. Everything to do with him

Perhaps you should work on your boundaries, even look into the freedom programme before dating again.

You don't want to attach narcs or question yourself when others behave badly.

Attract, sorry

All these responses have made me feel so much better. Thank you.

I really do feel I acted appropriately and respectfully. Unfortunately I allowed myself to get emotionally attached too soon, hence my upset. I didn't see it as him having a tantrum. I cried because I felt what he was throwing at me is how he actually feels.

Since my DS dad ive always held healthy communication at a high value, and its important to set out early on how you expect to be treated - dont lead me on and leave me alone if you are going to play games. I am a single mom with no shared care with my sons NC Dad. My time is precious and busy so dont fucking waste it! This is my first real experience of doing putting it into action, sadly ive took a hit in my confidence, but luckily he doesn't know it

You did well OP. He's just angry that you wouldn't play his game and jump to his tune.

Omg OP don't listen to him. He is just bejng manipulative. He just wants validation so texting and chatting makes him feel like you are there and it gives him and ego boost.

I really feel if someone is interested they will meet up within a week or two and it will go from there. Any longer bores me and is a water of time.

You'll find the right one.

X

Tonight his blatantly rubbing in my face the amount of attention he can get elsewhere. I've always joked to him about how he attention seeks online (honestly it's a joke and the hundreds of bites he gets at whatever he posts is cringe - no I was never one of them) but still kind of hurts how he does not see anything wrong with how he responded to me earlier today and has just brushed it aside. Though it most likely is for the best.

I've wondered what I really want out of a man? I have my own house, car, life, child and I look after us all fine without anyone's support. I just want peace and ease and good company. I don't like the pressure of dates, I like things to progress naturally which I felt like this was until he knew i wanted to meet him in person. His honestly made me feel like something is wrong with me. I don't mean this in a big headed way at all but I get quite abit of attention, lovely attention where its obvious the messages they are giving. But I just don't click with them. Finally I felt I did click with someone and then he messes me around. I feel dumb

Block him - it is the only way.