Why do I feel hurt :-(

[SpideyMom]

Ok, so I don’t really have a clue how to date, I used to just go with the flow and see where things went. I have been on my own for 4 years since I left my DS dad. It was a terribly abusive relationship which ruined me if I am honest. I don’t think all this time on my own has been intentional, I would have loved to have connected with someone enough to want to see if anything was there, but I haven’t.

Over the last few months I have been getting to know a guy. He chased alot but recently is giving mixed messages. One minute he wants to meet, the next he is cool with his contact. I am cool with people having busy lives, I don’t have the time to invest myself fully into anyone as my DS will always come first, but I am not a mind reader. Any contact is becoming less, although its never really been great, its always been good so I accepted it as if it didnt go any further, I would never rule out a friendship.

But its now got to the point where I am fed up. I am fed up of being pen pals. I cannot gauge how I will feel about someone I am yet to meet. But his getting me down with one minute being amazing, the next being off. I avoid conflict and confrontation wherever possible, but as I dont know where I stand I had to tell him it wasn't right for me. If only just to feel abit of closure on things for myself. Some may feel this is stupid when I haven’t met the person, but I cant just cut someone dead ive been speaking to for a few months now.

So I decided to say I wish him the best and hope he finds what he is looking for but I feel we are at a standstill and don’t want to waste each others time.

His response to be honest has hurt me. Manipulated it back onto me like I am damaged and I am the problem. That I overthink things and its put him off. Nothing I said has been nasty, even though I do feel sometimes his behaviour has started bordering on rude and ignorant I haven’t brought it to his attention. I felt I was doing the nice, respectful thing by respecting that his time isn’t with me and wishing him well.

But now I feel shit and am questioning if I am damaged. I have avoided going into details of my relationship with my DS dad. I don’t feel it is relevant, but I feel mocked for being reserved, and feeling the way he made me feel.

Sorry if I am being silly - just upset that I have been left feeling I am the problem

A cording to HG Tudor, two factors need to be met before a Hoover will occur.

1 - Can he physically get a message somehow to you (including a third party)

2 - The Hoover execution criteria needs to me met.

I understand why you gave drawn your conclusion but its emotional thinking. You simply do not know wages going on on his fuel matrix. Most likely is that he has a new souce and hes feeding.

There will come a time when he gets board of that fuel, its then you will be at risk.

Hope that makes sense.

Fucking typos! I hate the AC on this damn phone!

Or to put it another way, there is no such thing as a discard, it's always a disengagement.

@75Renarde its very interesting what you are saying and if I am totally honest I didnt realise people are so complex. I guess its because I only see myself and the way I feel and act. Why are people so horrible :-(

I totally get you. I'm shocked and disgusted on a daily level.

Narcs are a really straightforward once you understand their mindset. It doesn't make any logical sense to us but it does for them. It's all about fuel.

Just reply: 'ok cool, thanks, all the best Spideymum'

He's a dickhead!

how do i learn to understand them?

No @BatshitBertha no message. Nothing. Block and delete.

OP

Ho to narcsite.com a d prepare to have your mind BLOWN.

This may help. Will the Narc deploy a follow up Hoover

narcsite.com/2019/09/26/will-the-narcissist-deploy-a-follow-up-hoover-9/

@75Renarde thank you.

You know what he has done this before. We spoke at the beginning of the year and the communication wasn't great so I cut off. Three months later he contacts me again where contact is much better and easy. Now this

Bingo lovely!

You're joining the dots!

I didn't think anythink of it you know. As when we first started talking it was days between responses and it didn't flow so I just left it. So I didnt really know any of his characteristics

No indeed. That's how we get ensnared.

Little Shamen on youtube explains narcs so well , also Lisa Romano has some good videos on narcs and healing after abuse.

Your story is so similar to mine, my exH was very abusive and I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship for years. By the time I left, the damage had been done and I had no self esteem left. I then found myself in a cycle of dating narcs so I decided this year to stay single and learn all of the red flags so that I never ended up with one again. I really don't think you are quite ready to date until you are able to spot the signs much quicker. I totally get that you want more than being a mum and going to work but I think it would be better to take some time to invest in yourself and find out who are are.

When you start to learn about narcs you will realise why no contact is so important. It's not for their benefit, it's for yours. You are the important one here and you need to learn how to trust yourself again because years of gaslighting destroys our ability to listen to our gut instinct which is never wrong.

A quick narc checklist

Omg I've got angry upset. I need to spot the red flags sooner.

My DS dad was a narc. And the worst kind. I can't believe I've found another

@Jaffacakesaremyfave

There are lots of issues with that checklist.