Why do I feel hurt :-(

[SpideyMom]

Ok, so I don’t really have a clue how to date, I used to just go with the flow and see where things went. I have been on my own for 4 years since I left my DS dad. It was a terribly abusive relationship which ruined me if I am honest. I don’t think all this time on my own has been intentional, I would have loved to have connected with someone enough to want to see if anything was there, but I haven’t.

Over the last few months I have been getting to know a guy. He chased alot but recently is giving mixed messages. One minute he wants to meet, the next he is cool with his contact. I am cool with people having busy lives, I don’t have the time to invest myself fully into anyone as my DS will always come first, but I am not a mind reader. Any contact is becoming less, although its never really been great, its always been good so I accepted it as if it didnt go any further, I would never rule out a friendship.

But its now got to the point where I am fed up. I am fed up of being pen pals. I cannot gauge how I will feel about someone I am yet to meet. But his getting me down with one minute being amazing, the next being off. I avoid conflict and confrontation wherever possible, but as I dont know where I stand I had to tell him it wasn't right for me. If only just to feel abit of closure on things for myself. Some may feel this is stupid when I haven’t met the person, but I cant just cut someone dead ive been speaking to for a few months now.

So I decided to say I wish him the best and hope he finds what he is looking for but I feel we are at a standstill and don’t want to waste each others time.

His response to be honest has hurt me. Manipulated it back onto me like I am damaged and I am the problem. That I overthink things and its put him off. Nothing I said has been nasty, even though I do feel sometimes his behaviour has started bordering on rude and ignorant I haven’t brought it to his attention. I felt I was doing the nice, respectful thing by respecting that his time isn’t with me and wishing him well.

But now I feel shit and am questioning if I am damaged. I have avoided going into details of my relationship with my DS dad. I don’t feel it is relevant, but I feel mocked for being reserved, and feeling the way he made me feel.

Sorry if I am being silly - just upset that I have been left feeling I am the problem

I haven't blocked him as there is no way he is going to think he has got to me. I doubt he will contact me again anyway.

I feel better today. Last night when he posted on social media (usually its only the 1, but last night he posted across all of them just to make sure it reached maximum viewers lol). But I finally accepted that I found his behaviour really cringey, and I have done for a while if I am honest. I had got to the point where his posts were no longer funny and just plain attention seeking. And thats when it hit me, why be sad when no woman with any sense would tolerate his behaviour or the way he spoke to me. I wont be the only one so I am proud I told him he wasnt for me

I have no idea why you still have him on social media - you can usually block without the other person being informed, or if you don't want to do that then go on a "holiday" from them.

Being happy in yourself is a good start. Go out and have fun with friends, make new friends, do things you enjoy. I would also suggest either doing the Freedom Programme or getting some therapy, just to ensure you have rebuilt your barriers, and to get your spidery senses working properly.

I haven't blocked him because we never met up, so it seems pointless. Plus he would take that as I have got the hump that I 'cant have him', which isnt the case at all. I left things amicably on my part and I am happy I didn't react to his insults.

I will look into the Freedom Programme. I've already arranged a girl datw with one o my mates which I am really looking forward to

Thing is, you shouldn't care whether he thinks he got to you or not. He's a twat and so you block him. You're never going to meet him, so you literally shouldn't give a flying fuck what he thinks of you. There are no medals awarded anywhere for not blocking arseholes, so they don't know they've got to you.

Definitely look at the Freedom Programme or some counselling. I see a therapist on a regular basis, as I had a track record of abusive relationships.

A PP really hit the nail on the head for me, I attract Narcs, so I REALLY need to work on that. As they have all been similar kind of men.

That I overthink things and its put him off.
Eh? Put him off of what? Continuing the relationship you have just ended? Is he pretending that you haven't just called it all off?

Perfectly normal to think that a relationship where you haven't even met is going nowhere. He probably has some issues.

If you block someone, they don't know if you have blocked them or if you have simply stopped reading their messages.

exactly @ravenmum

it just seems he didn't like the fact that I was tired of us being what felt like pen pals and felt it was at a standstill. And then he would drag me back in for it all to repeat itself again. I dont wish to waste my time or anyone elses, hence why I need to meet someone in person to be able to gauge what they are really like and how I feel about things going forward. I know people can come across very different online/over messages. Luckily for me his choice to attack and insult me has firmly closed the door on me ever meeting him. He posted over the weekend a quote about behaviour and not to blame yourself when the other person is the problem. Of course it attracted a flurry of oh my god you are perfect, fuck them off blah blah blah.

We really did get on so well at the start which is why I wanted to see about this one. But as I became more aware of me wanting to actually meet him, and wanting to get to know him more, I equally became more aware of his behaviour and how I really felt about it – I wasn’t happy and it made me wonder about his ex and if she is as bad as he has constantly made out. Apparently she was just like me, making him feel he has done something wrong when I am the problem.

I still feel proud though as I mostly get walked over, so this time I was not going to let that happen. I would rather be alone

When I was online dating I came across a couple of blokes who blamed all their woes on the nasty women (fortunately in their actual profiles so you knew what you were signing up to if you messaged them!). Some seem convinced that anyone not interested in them is joining in some sort of conspiracy. It's a real shame for them, as it is presumably a total vicious circle.

And yes, well done for backing off.

You’ve done well to spot a wrong’un , you’ve moved on politely, just ignore his pathetic behaviour which confirms who he is. Good luck in the future and remember there are far worse things than not having a man in your life

Absolutely @Sally2791

To be honest good has come from this. I've told my Mom I need to start having some sort of life for myself again. She doesn't believe you have a life beyond your kids when you become a parent. I had to have the conversation with her as I will need her help with looking after my DS. I am either a Mom or I work, I dont really know who I am anymore, so this has made me realise I need to invest some time in myself

Unfortunately there are just a lot of his sort out there. I used to wonder if I attracted them too but I think they are just very common. I definitely used to put up with them longer than I should have but now I know what they are and the signs of how to spot them, I normally am able to run for the hills quickly lol.

You did well knowing something was up and calling it quits. And now you know what he was, you'll see them easier in future :)

Glad you are realising that YOU are important.
It's important to invest in you.
Did you get support from a DV organisation when you split from you Ex?
If not then please do.
And definitely do the WA Freedom Programme to avoid assholes like this in future.
Well done an seeing him for who he is and getting out of it.
Good luck - you got this!

I had counselling and it was through that I realised I was in an abusive relationship. That must sound so stupid, but I had accepted it was just life and because we shared a child it was just my life now. I will never forget the day she made me realise my relationship was abusive - It hit me hard, like how the hell have I allowed this to happen to me :-( I was referred to organisations by my counsellor and even the HV, I stupidly never acted on it because I was just concentrating on keeping afloat. I was so depressed back then, waking up was an effort

Don’t listen to one guy who has apparently psychologically assessed you.
He has disrespected you in two ways.

Firstly, he was all over you then blows hot and cold.
Everyone in some sort of relationship wants to know where they stand. It’s only the arses who claim YOU are being ridiculous by saying you’re unhappy with the lack of clarity.
You have a child, the last thing you want is someone in and out of your lives.

Secondly, he has disrespected you again. He’s personally attacked you because you have stood up for yourself and said, that this is not what you want.
He’s also disrespecting you by not giving value to your relationship.
Who on earth wants a partner who’s all in one minute and then can’t be arsed the next?

What a gorgeous, wonderful caring and understanding guy you have just lost........NOT.

The only thing you need to work on in my opinion is that you shouldn’t be questioning HIS opinion of you. You would benefit so much by knowing you deserve far better and that you are acting in an intelligent, mature, fair way.
Add this to the fucket bucket, hold your head up high and take one very big step away.
It wouldn’t surprise me if soon he contacts you again in the attempt to reel you back in. Once again, remind yourself that he is the damaged one for treating someone in such a spiteful way.
If he does, slap him back down with a massive wet fish..( metaphorically speaking) watch Bridgette Jones and move on. Let someone decent benefit from your gorgeousness. X

oh I bloody love how complete strangers come together to lift and support each other. Thank you all, I am feeling amazing the more I hear from you all

Because you are. You treat people with respect despite having been treated so disgustingly yourself. Pick your battles in life. This guy is not worth a fart.

i do feel much better than I normally would (this soon anyway) but that's because I can see what he is, so in a way I am glad how he responded. it was the kick up the arse i needed to finally be like fuck you! His behaviour may work for some, but it wont work for me

If you are worried blocking him will give the wrong of impression of "you're upset because you can't have him", then why don't you just 'un-friend/unfollow'? You are not going out with each other, you are not friends, there is simply no need to be in contact in any way shape or form. No dramatic blocking, just delete!

ARRGGHHH OP! I'm gently wobbling your head!!!

You MUST go into full NC. At any point he may attempt to hoover you back. If you are at a low ebb, he may succeed.

Looking at his social media is breaking NC. This is because you are continually reinfecting yourself. Going to find a link for you that may help.

You have blocked him on phone and email, haven't you?

narcsite.com/category/no-contact/

He wont succeed plus I really dont think he will contact me ever again as i've ended anything before it has happened. I am one person, he has many others to take my place.
It was nothing really, other than an emotional connection on my part so I need to work on myself.
And yes he was removed yesterday, not blocked by unfriended.

Wrong. You can NEVER say with any certainty that a Hoover wont occur.

That is also a misunderstanding of NC

surely if he was going to have made contact though it would have been when it all kicked off the other day as there was stuff to say? The fact he didn't respond after he kicked off makes me feel thats him done with any conversation ever again as there is nothing left to say