Do men sleep with people they are not attracted to?

[NameChangeNumpty]

I’ve posted this on the sex forum but might get more traffic here.

I’m a regular MN poster but name changed for this.

Long and the short of it: do men sleep with people they aren’t attracted to?

Me and DH have been together 15 years. In that time I’ve put on around 5 stone, him about 4. Our sex life has gone from 4+ times a week to about once every 3 months. Not through lack of trying on my part but tend to get turned down and this really hurts. And I also feel a bit perverted for wanting sex a lot.

When it does happen it’s great. But I keep wondering if my weight gain is to blame and making me sexually unattractive. Do men still sleep with women they aren’t attracted to?

He says there’s nothing else stopping him from wanting it, just not being in the mood that much.

I have considered there may be porn use / wanking etc which makes him not want it but he genuinely doesn’t have much time alone for this. I keep going back to my weight as the reason for him not sleeping with me and he has to literally psych himself up for it hence why it’s so infrequent. And that it’s because I’ve got so fat and unattractive he doesn’t do it much and just does it out of duty

His weight too - you'll not be the only one with body image problems, I betcha.

It might be your combined insecurities, it might be low fitness levels bringing his sex drive down, it might indeed be that he doesn't go "woof!" when he sees you any more (I know I've had that with previous partners... in both directions sigh).

How about getting both of you into an autumn health kick, rearrange your lives a bit so you can exercise together and get fit and sexy again? Getting sweaty together is great bonding too, might well lead to rudeness more often just by itself. It's definitely a thing.

As a high BMI individual myself (and it's not from muscles) I'm enthusiastically doing this at the moment, and it's fun! But also sore and awful. Has led to happier times though, so I've got to recommend it.

In my experience yes. My ex fiancé slept with me when I was pretty overweight and when he met me I was like a twig. I was very unattractive for a good year or two but we still had sex, I guess he must have really loved me.

I know men that will literally shag anything, all they need to do is pop a viagra/cialis pill and they are good to go. It’s an ego boost for them with physical gratification at the end of it for them.

Have to say that when I shed my weight I reclaimed my confidence and my sex life dramatically improved.

It depends on thr man op. Some men would shag anything. Other men won't if they don't fancy the woman. There is no rule for all and no way for us to guess which is your husband. You would be better placed to judge that.

It's not really a man thing - I dated and slept with a guy for a year without really fancying him. Sexual attraction isn't the be-all and end-all.

How do you feel about your body now? Are you happy and confident?
Could you talk to him at all?

You can’t say ‘all men’ do anything really, just like you can’t say that all women do.

Men are all different people with different wants and desires.

You’re basically asking people if they think your husband doesn’t fancy you because you’ve put on weight, and the only person that can answer that is your husband.

Not remotely confident. When I mentioned this he said “go to the gym or on a diet then” so not exactly helpful

Agree it's not really a man thing. Some women shag men they don't fancy. It's a person thing, the reasons might be different, but it happens. Many women wouldn't have sex with a man they don't fancy.

So it's about the individual.

I guess part of it comes from me feeling so disgusting that I don’t think it’s possible anyone would want to have sex with me. I think that speaks volumes really

It depends I think. Generally speaking men are very visual creatures. A 5 stone weight gain is an awful lot! How do you feel in yourself?

In my experience yes. I grew up around soldiers and some of the things I heard as a young girl/teen pretty much put me off men.

However on a individual basis, hard to say. It might be his weight, he might be stressed, it might be your weight, it could be a combination of things. Ask him?

sherbertsaucer I feel vile to be honest. Was 9 stone when we met and a size 12 (5’3). Now I’m a whopping size 20. My belly sags, my boobs sag, my thighs rub and I’ve massive love handles. Plus a double chin and wobbly upper arms. Yes I’ve had 2 babies by c section but it’s still a massive gain. Add the stretch marks and I’m grim.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with me that’s for sure.

Yet he’s gained 4 stone and he’s still as lovely to me as the day we met

When I mentioned this he said “go to the gym or on a diet then” so not exactly helpful

Of course it’s helpful. What else do you want him to suggest? There’s only one way to lose weight OP and that’s to eat better and exercise.

He can’t help your self esteem issues only you can. You’ve proved that by admitting he’s as lovely as ever and yet you still feel the way you do

Eat better, exercise more. Not only might your sex life improve but you’ll feel a whole lot better about yourself and that’s the main thing!

No but if he still likes the way I look he could have at least told me couldn’t he, that’s what I meant by unhelpful

@namechangenumpty
Ah. Are your children still small?
Do you feel supported by your dh?
Would you like to change?
You sound down on yourself, please don’t be! Your body has given you two children, be kind to yourself.

Not small small, but primary age.
I’d like to change but it seems such a big huge humongous challenge I don’t even know where to start

If you lose the weigh you will find your self esteem will improve massively. Confidence is hugely sexy and if you feel vile it maybe be hard for that not to rub off on him
5 Stone is a lot, if for nothing other than your own health I would try to shift some of the weight. Try the 16:8 fast diet. its brilliant and by far the easiest way to lose weight. Also walk, everywhere as fast as you can and in no time the weight will start to drop off

I’ve got mates who would shag anything. I wouldn’t though. It’s got nothing to do with weight either for me. It’s more about the bad traits that tend to go with it. Generally Laziness and overeating. I have had spells where I haven’t fancied my wife because she just wasnt making any effort at all. Lounging around watching tv all day at weekend, eating shit all day, not bothering with nails/hair/make up which she used to do. Joining slimming world then giving up after 2 weeks (rinse and repeat 10 times). She went from a size 10 and very active person to a size 18/20 who never does any exercise at all. It is that lack of effort and acceptance that she would always be fat that made me stop fancying her, not the weight itself. Eventually it took the doctor telling her that she was borderline diabetic for her to do something about it. It’s not been easy and it has taken hard work and willpower and she has a long way to go but I have been so proud of her efforts and the fancying has come back.

I think most people would struggle to sleep with someone they weren't physically attracted to, it's not a man or a woman thing.

I could never sleep with a man I didn't find attractive. Personality alone would not do it for me. Unfortunately for me almost all middle aged men are not physically attractive. I'd rather not have sex than have sex with someone 4 stone overweight. And, I am yet to meet a person that doesn't agree with me on that.

The answers have literally been divided down the middle. Some say yes, some say no

I might have to just ask him if he still fancies me and take what he says and use it whichever way it goes

Get healthier for you, not for DH. You’ll be amazed at how quickly you make progress. By this time next year you could easily hit goal weight! Potentially even by the summer if you go for it! Make positive changes but most important of all just be consistent.

Even if you only exercise once per week if it’s every week it soon adds up!

I can't get turned on if I'm not attracted to the guy. It doesn't even have to be looks but just how he makes me feel in general. I know guys who feel the same too.

But I think everyone is different and sitting down to talk, is the best solution.

Probably a lot of issues here. Men DO sleep with women they don't fancy. But also, if you have put on a lot of weight, he may just not find you attractive anymore. However, men who put on a lot of weight often experience a huge drop in testosterone production, which results in a loss of their libido, so he may just not fancy doing it with anyone.

Don't ask him!
Use the time to get fit and healthy. You can start by changing what you eat/cutting out the bad stuff/eating less. Fasting helps a lot too (eat once in the morning and once in the evening, no snacking in between those two times).
I know what you mean. I was stick thin and put on weight. Some men dislike weight gain, others are dedicated no matter what but that doesn't mean we feel as confident as we should. That's what we need to work on and losing weight is big factor.

I wasn’t ever stick thin, even at 9 stone I was a size 12 with hips but I did have a slim waist and C cup boobs so was pretty decent as I was curvy. But only being 5’3 makes me look massive above any bigger than 10 stone