Do men sleep with people they are not attracted to?

[NameChangeNumpty]

I’ve posted this on the sex forum but might get more traffic here.

I’m a regular MN poster but name changed for this.

Long and the short of it: do men sleep with people they aren’t attracted to?

Me and DH have been together 15 years. In that time I’ve put on around 5 stone, him about 4. Our sex life has gone from 4+ times a week to about once every 3 months. Not through lack of trying on my part but tend to get turned down and this really hurts. And I also feel a bit perverted for wanting sex a lot.

When it does happen it’s great. But I keep wondering if my weight gain is to blame and making me sexually unattractive. Do men still sleep with women they aren’t attracted to?

He says there’s nothing else stopping him from wanting it, just not being in the mood that much.

I have considered there may be porn use / wanking etc which makes him not want it but he genuinely doesn’t have much time alone for this. I keep going back to my weight as the reason for him not sleeping with me and he has to literally psych himself up for it hence why it’s so infrequent. And that it’s because I’ve got so fat and unattractive he doesn’t do it much and just does it out of duty

Why don't you join a slimming club of some description - get some support and camaraderie with it - to encourage you to get started?

I agree don’t ask him. You don’t need to be needy about it. You have put on a lot of weight but you can lose it. Just make changes. What helped me hugely was eating ‘clean’. No takeaways or ready meals, fresh home cooked food. It works wonders. You might motivate him to join you in getting healthy. Take your children for a walk or to the park. Slowly and surely it will come off. I lost 3 stone in a year doing this and felt miles better. I’ve put a little bit back on but I’m a lot happier and more confident.
Your husband loves you, you love him. It maybe a lifestyle change you need. It will have an effect in the bedroom

My ex used to brag about all the women he slept with before me. At first I thought he was exaggerating but some of his friends confirmed it. Most of them he said were unattractive and he was drunk when he went home with them. My fiance hasn't had many sexual partners maybe 10. Most were not attractive (I have seen a few in passing whilst out with him ) but for example when he met his wife he went out with her a few times and she declared her love for him. He did not love her but he remembers looking at her thinking she wasn't a good looking woman but she'll do. They rubbed along OK for a couple of years (he left a couple of times) then she became pregnant so he then felt obliged to stay. She then became very verbally abusive not only at home but in front of his friends, family and workmates. Obviously this ended over 10 years ago but it's affected his confidence. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not always as simple as a man just being able to sleep with an unattractive woman.

I'm 6ft and was a size 18, people used to say your tall you can carry it off, no you can't! I joined slimming world to lose the initial weight and reprogram myself into healthy eating I'm now a size 14 and I have loads of confidence. As was said up thread my husband still loved me but was more impressed with my motivation

I went to university with a bloke who used to brag about enjoying sleeping with ‘fat birds’ as they were so grateful!

He was a complete twat though.

You need to speak to your husband about this.

Start small numpty.
Make one change for yourself tomorrow. Take back control.

I think men are far less fussy with sex partners, than choosing a life partner

I think you should make small changes at a time
and do it for you, not for your partner.
Go for a walk, buy yourself a nice bubble bath, get a new hair cut. Just do small things that build up your confidence.

I wouldn’t have sex with a guy I didn’t fancy, but everyones different, it isn’t about having a certain view because you’re male.

My ex put on a lot of weight, he went from a 30 to a 38 inch waist, it wasn’t actually the weight that stopped me fancying him, it was his general laziness. Stopped going to the gym, stopped making any effort with his appearance, couldn’t be bothered to do anything at weekends etc.

You said he is still as lovely as when you first met, but that doesn’t mean he feels that way about his body, he might be as insecure about his body as you are with yours.

It sounds as though it could be other reasons then that he’s not wanting sex rather than my weight then. I’ve actually got a gym membership that I recently joined so may try that along side weight watchers. Slimming world never worked for me because of portion size

Gym is a brilliant idea. I agree with bunnylady, do something for yourself. Something nice.

I do wonder though how much of a difference the gym will make though. I’ll always be saggy now did the damage I’ve done to my body

Of course it will help sweetheart. Give yourself a break. You are still you! Find yourself again, your body is amazing, try to love it.

Hey. Your body has done the most amazing job of carrying two babies.
If you make small changes, one at a time they will add up and you will notice a change. But it has to be for you!
Go to the gym, do twenty minutes and drink an extra glass of water. Yoga, meditation whatever.
It does sound as though you are down on yourself. Try not to be - life is short and you have your gorgeous kids to love.

Really depressing that so many people equate fat with unattractive

@NameChangeNumpty

If he still does fancy you, you're self esteem still needs a boost.If he doesn't fancy you, you'll feel shit. Either way you should be control of how you feel about yourself, no one else.

The best way to start is to just start! you'll probably feel silly at first but keep going. Trying a Yoga or Barre class and theyre slightly more low intensity or rip the bandaid off at try a HIIT class there'll be something at your local leisure centre.

buy a couple of cute exercise outfits to boost the confidence if it helps. PREPAY for the class and go. whether you look different or not the endorphin high is great and you'll switch off for an hour.

Weight may not be the issue at all. After 15 years and DC, sex in many relationships will have talked off a bit (despite what you read on MN).

However, if you're unhappy about the frequency you probably need to have a conversation about it. It doesn't need to be just a discussion about weight. There is no reason why you shouldn't try to lose weight if you want to, but maybe it would be helpful to separate the two issues.

speak to him. not at him.tell him exactly how you feel.how you feel about him and how no sex is crap.hit him with it. be prepared to be dealt an honest hand back.it might not be easy.if you are "together" surely you can manage a plan..diet?excercise-as a couple(i hate excercise,would walk forever then back-but actual excercise just isnt my thing.i found the vibration plate things\ifit to be fab...but ..mostly cos they sold icecream in same shop;).dont fester.or sell yourself short.or put up with..a zone you hate.one life you get,love it,live it

1. some men will, some men won't. Some men, whilst in a long term relationship with someone they love, but may not be as physically attracted to, will still perform their "marital duties" because it's always going to be an important part of a relationship.

2. Don't ask him if he still find you attractive. You're looking for a specific answer ("you still look amazing"), not the actual answer. You looked a certain way when you got together and were at it like rabbits. It's a reasonable assumption that he prefers that body type.
   The main issue is that you're not happy with your body and you are lacking confidence. Work on the weight gain. Take a look at your diet, do something active. Even if he tells you what you want to hear, you're not going to be happy.

I guess part of it comes from me feeling so disgusting that I don’t think it’s possible anyone would want to have sex with me.

Oh OP. This makes me feel so sad, because its the same way I used to think.

OK to very quickly answer your thread title: yes. Lots of people have sex with people who don't necessarily tick all their boxes of visual sexiness.

Regarding your weight/size, are you unhappy with this if you take the visual out of the equation? IE are you saying "I hate the way my fat wobbles when I'm pushing the trolley in Tesco" or more "I'm putting so much weight on my joints and it really hurts"?

furiousvexation both I guess

might have to just ask him if he still fancies me and take what he says and use it whichever way it goes

Why? What is the point? He’s either gunna say no he doesn’t fancy you which will result in you coming on here and everyone telling you how shallow he is or he’ll say yes he does still fancy you but you won’t believe it. He can’t win

You should be losing weight regardless of what he thinks. Do it for yourself. It’ll just be a bonus that your sex life probably improves. But not only that but you’ll be healthier OP and that’s the main thing

Lots of people sleep with people they don’t find attractive. Being attracted to someone isn’t the only reason anyone has sex in reality. Sometimes it’s for comfort, or out of a sense of duty, or to feel close to someone else, or to scratch an itch.

Some can. I have gay friends who can be brought to orgasm by a vagina because for some the manual stimulation will eventually overtake the mental attraction or lack of. Obviously orgasms with men are better because they're attracted aswell.

Me and my partner are swingers and my partner cant just get it up for anyone. If he takes viagra and the person has a good technique he can but it's still easy for him to lose it if something about the person makes him uneasy or uncomfortable or something transpires like a lack of hygiene down below etc.

So as PP have said. It depends.

He did not love her but he remembers looking at her thinking she wasn't a good looking woman but she'll do.

What a horrible thing to do to someone. He doesn't sound like a catch himself.