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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Undervalued in a "female" role.

53 replies

Greencat40 · 23/09/2019 08:07

I need help ! Basic history is
Been with hubs for 20years, worked 4 days a week since kids babies.
Never had a joint bank acct access to his money ( he's wealthy with a v good company which he owns).
Now kids are 8 and 12 one dyslexic at a really academic school ( which he wants to keep her in ) which means she needs extra help and time.

I have given up 2 days a week work as we agreed it was better for the family, earn small amount now , do everything at home, all the running around . He gives me nothing ...... I can't get any money if I run out as I have no joint acct and no access to anything. He's a top earner ( kids at private school) with the type of business that he's around a lot not doing that much sometimes. I have to ask consistently for food money or clothes money and after a few years of this I'm starting to feel so controlled and sad. It makes me feel like I'm constantly begging for money. Eve time I ask he makes a face like it's so painful. He's not short ... will tell me that I can't get a new too for the kids then book a holiday for 7,000 next day ....
it's driving me insane, I'm sad, anxious and my 12 yr old is picking up on it at home asking me why I have no money and daddy does.
Help ... am I being a spoilt brat or is this some sort of control on his part ?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 23/09/2019 08:10

This is about the 12th thread like this recently.

WOHP/SAHP only works if both parties are on board and there's a clear agreement on finances etc

If you're living at home and doing everything but he's controlling access to finances then there's a problem there, probably a fairly massive red flag for being financially controlling.

Ultimately the time to discuss finances is before you give up your own financial stability.

Now you need to decide if you're staying or leaving

Butterymuffin · 23/09/2019 08:12

Yes, it's controlling. You need a joint account now. I take it you're not married?

LolaSmiles · 23/09/2019 08:19

buttery
They say they've been with "hubs" for 20 years.
I can't tell if that means they are actually married of if it's one of those twee expressions from related sites where any long to partner is "hubster/hubby/hubs".

Original poster
Greencat40 · 23/09/2019 08:20

Gosh thanks for the quick replies , yes married ..for 12 years been with him 20.
I've been telling him it's ruining us and all I want is to create a home and happy family.
He will now give me money if I ask like I said but I literally have no clue what is in the bank at all.
I know there is a lot as re recently got a huge payout ... over 800.000 and kids go to a v expensive school.
There is money when he chooses .....

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 23/09/2019 08:30

Again, you have to choose whether you see a long term future in a relationship that I'd so inequitable in a number of key areas. You have to decide your lines in the sand.

Some women are quite happy to sit back as long as they have enough access to money or a set amount transferred to their own bank account that means they don't ask for money.

Some women are happy to have traditional gender roles, others aren't. Some think traditional gender roles work through the week but weekends should be both parents doing their share.

Some women aren't happy unless they have full financial disclosure and access to all things.

Some women decide they like their current lifestyle enough that they'll make some trade offs.

Some women value their autonomy more than maintaining a certain lifestyle

Only you can decide what your lines are.

drspouse · 23/09/2019 08:32

This is financial abuse. Report your thread and get it moved to Relationships.

Original poster
Greencat40 · 23/09/2019 08:40

Thanks ... good advice all round only I can decide .
Dr Spouse how do I do what you suggest with my post ? Thankyou

OP posts:
drspouse · 23/09/2019 09:42

Click on the three dots at the bottom of your post and choose "report".

Butterymuffin · 23/09/2019 09:45

Click on the three dots in the bottom right hand corner then click report to open up a message. Ask in that message if they can move this thread to Relationships.

Does he keep paperwork in the house that shows his income, bank details etc? Look for as much of that as you can and take photographs or copies.

DoctorAllcome · 23/09/2019 09:54

I agree it’s financial abuse.
At the very least

  1. he should be transferring a monthly figure to your account to cover household costs...a figure YOU come up with and he accepts. Not a number HE decides on.
  2. you should both have equal spending money for whatever you want for your own enjoyment
  3. you should have equal say in all major purchase decisions...like that 7 grand holiday he shouldn’t have booked it without you agreeing.
  4. he should have set up a private pension in your name for your retirement since you are not working FT to the potential you would have had if the agreement had not been for you to be SAHP
  5. he should also be an open book regarding his finances, accounts, etc so even if not joint, you have the same information he has & is needed to discuss family budgeting decisions.
ButtercupsOurGold · 23/09/2019 10:04

No, you aren't being a brat. You dropped from 4 days work to 2 days because you both decided it would be best for the kids, but your dh isn't doing his bit or making it feasible if you have to beg for money to feed the family while he books 7K holidays. I think you'd be better off leaving him to be honest if he's happy to treat you like that. I'd go back full time if I were you and insist he starts paying for things and helping with the kids and running the house. Or leave if he won't

ButtercupsOurGold · 23/09/2019 10:21

PS. I totally get wanting to do what works best for the children, as that becomes your main motivation when you have kids, but it's not working with you not having access to money. Your dh is treating you like shit and needs a wake up call.

Teddybear45 · 23/09/2019 10:26

Suggest you give him an ultimatum - he either gives you access to a joint account that he keeps topped up or you go back to work full time and he sorts out the childcare. He can’t have it both ways.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 23/09/2019 18:08

We're moving this thread over to relationships for the OP. Flowers

Original poster
Greencat40 · 23/09/2019 19:37

Thanks all, it's so hard, I feel like he's upset me so much and made me anxious and is killing my confidence. I'm stuck between my heart strings being there for my children and my head saying just go back to work. However how can I live knowing he does not support me, surely sharing is part of a marriage . He will give me money for things but it's constantly asking, begging. He takes me out to the shops and I feel he gets a kick from buying me stuff ... he hands over the card. If I asked for a card to go clothes shopping with my friends for example... nooooo friggin way !

OP posts:
Taintedlady123 · 23/09/2019 19:42

Divorce him. You’ll be a lot better off.

Pumpkintopf · 23/09/2019 19:48

Oh my goodness op, you should certainly have a joint account and know what's in it! You have given up some of your earning potential not to mention pension to support your joint kids and household- he needs to play his part and share what he earns as you are enabling him to do so! I would insist on this, no question, as a long term sahp myself this is always how we arranged things .

user1479305498 · 23/09/2019 19:56

Ok OP here is what I would do. Tell your husband that he transfers the difference in the amount between when you worked 4 days compared to the amount now on the 2nd of every monthgiven that it was something agreed on or you will be looking for 4 days a week again as not having separate access to cash is affecting your mental health . Whilst you are doing 2 days a week I would be busy too going through stuff and photocopying details of assets, pension provider, bank statements, wage slips , tax returns etc and park them all in a very safe place. You never know when you might need them. I think this guy just likes feeling ''the big I am' , top dog' and by making you feel dependent on him means you will put up with his shitty behaviour. To be frank he is very lucky you haven't just told him to sling his hook, sounds like you would financially be better off!

Turningtides · 23/09/2019 20:11

OP he is massively financially controlling and your relationship is one if abuse. I can’t believe it.

For contrast, my DH has his own companies and we have 3 DC in independent schools, one dyslexic. I’m at home mainly to support them because he travels a lot. I haven’t worked in over 16 years, but I’ve never had to ask for a thing! The money is accessible to us both equally and we trust each other’s judgements. Spending patterns / preferences are a non-issue.

There is no way in hell I would be a SAHM if I felt financially curtailed / controlled or demeaned in any way. No way.

You can’t live like this. He must have something psychologically wrong with him. I’m so sorry. It will make you ill and affect your children. It has to end, but sadly, I don’t hold out much hope because nobody in their right mind would treat their wife like this in the first place. He shouldn’t need to be told.

user1479305498 · 23/09/2019 20:20

Sadly TurningTides it appears quite common on here. Guys in very good financial positions with wives doing a small bit of part time too it seems often want her contributing 50% when they are making 6 figures or as near as. I think it's some kind of mental control thing too. I once remember a friend of mine worked with the newly married husband of someone I worked with (which he didn't know) and my friend heard him say he wanted her at home and didn't want her to have access to cash because it made it easier for her to leave him at any point.

Orangepearl · 23/09/2019 20:41

Yes you are being controlled.

Not sure why some are saying you will have more money if you leave.

Original poster
Greencat40 · 23/09/2019 20:49

Thanks for all these totally spot on comments from you all. I know I need to divorce him really. I can see like you say he's pushing me into a corner as I am actually the better educated one and can go and earn if I like. My friends all say he is "punching 😂" and that money is the only thing he can control me with. I don't know why but I actually feel sorry for him when I look at him because without the money he is totally weak. I am his world ... weirdest thing to say .. but he is a lost puppy without me and the kids. He can't do kids homework and does not spend quality time with them watching their sports in the pouring rain or encouraging them to better themselves... they are their mothers daughters. He is as a rule kind and caring and always at home, rarely gets drunk or goes out but not obvs financially a friggin twat face !!

OP posts:
Original poster
Greencat40 · 23/09/2019 20:53

I'm worried about upsetting the kids, they adore him and the family unit. I feel it would all be my fault ....

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 23/09/2019 20:56

It wouldnt be all your fault no one can live in a gilded cage and its not fair on the children to grow up and see a family unit like this - your 12 year old is already seeing it

Leaving is best for them and you

billy1966 · 23/09/2019 21:09

OP, as others always say on MN.

Get your ducks in a row.

Accumulate any information you can about the company, where he banks, any paperwork.

Ask your friends for the solicitor that closest resembles a rothweiler professionally and divorce his ass.

How can you even look at a man like that who treats you so appalling.

His behaviour has killed your marriage.
Your children will be aware of what is going on.

His behaviour has ruined your marriage.

Keep telling him that when he acts all upset and disbelieving.

He sounds like a small little bully.

Your friends see him very clearly.
💐
Get organised and get out.

💐