Undervalued in a "female" role.

[Greencat40]

I need help ! Basic history is
Been with hubs for 20years, worked 4 days a week since kids babies.
Never had a joint bank acct access to his money ( he's wealthy with a v good company which he owns).
Now kids are 8 and 12 one dyslexic at a really academic school ( which he wants to keep her in ) which means she needs extra help and time.

I have given up 2 days a week work as we agreed it was better for the family, earn small amount now , do everything at home, all the running around . He gives me nothing ...... I can't get any money if I run out as I have no joint acct and no access to anything. He's a top earner ( kids at private school) with the type of business that he's around a lot not doing that much sometimes. I have to ask consistently for food money or clothes money and after a few years of this I'm starting to feel so controlled and sad. It makes me feel like I'm constantly begging for money. Eve time I ask he makes a face like it's so painful. He's not short ... will tell me that I can't get a new too for the kids then book a holiday for 7,000 next day ....
it's driving me insane, I'm sad, anxious and my 12 yr old is picking up on it at home asking me why I have no money and daddy does.
Help ... am I being a spoilt brat or is this some sort of control on his part ?

Green, it sounds so awful. Have you ever sat him down and talked or does he dismiss or ignore you? My DH and I maintain separate accounts but my DH transfers a large lump of his earnings into my account to cover things for house but also for me.

It's a form of infantilisation that your husband is guilty of. He should adore, respect and trust you. You are meant to be precious to him and an equal part of a partnership. You must have saved the family a great deal of money on childcare and you have not been earning to put into a pension. I am so angry on your behalf and I totally get how demoralising HIS system must be. Keep posting. There is lots of support on here.

Financial abuse. My x was like this.

12 years later I have my own place, security under this roof, a secure job, and contributions to my pension. I wasn't married to my financially abusive x but he was a gaslighting fucker on top of the financial abuse. I could still be there, but nearly 50 and financially dependent on him. With NOTHING TO SHOW FOR 20 years. Thank god I left. Even with young children it's worth it. You're better off being on benefits than with a man like this.There are back to work schemes going on.

Yes I can see all your comments ringing true. At the moment I'm so scared to leave without getting control of my finances , worried he will stop paying for anything leaving me night and dry big time. I'm enrolling on a msc which will allow me to go up a grade at work , luckily I am a qualified clinical
Professional so don't need to worry about getting work. I do worry so much about my dyslexic daughter and not being there to help her after school ect. Torn !

If you divorced, the share of assets starts at 50/50. You’re the primary caregiver to time children too. As previously stated, you’d have more access to cash if you did divorce but I could see him making things difficult. Defo get evidence of his earnings

• to the children

If you get hold of as much info as possible, finances etc, it gives you more power when it comes to dealing with DH and planning a separation.
He is pretty weird, would he go forcounselling and try to change?
If you told him his controlling behaviour was causing you anxiety and making you ill, would he sympathise at all. You could then say you cannot live like this and you can't stay with him.

I read your post OP and imagined the situation as though he was hiring a maid and a servant, paying pittance for your services. That’s not a marriage or a partnership at all. You say he’s like a lost puppy without you and would be clueless with the kids and all that lot... he should treat you like he needs you not be selfish like that. I’m sorry OP. I hope you come to realise what you are worth x

I agree with what others have said, he’s tightly controlling the purse strings in order to “control” you! He’s so insecure about the fact he’ll loose you to another man he’s totally obsessed with making sure you won’t go anywhere by any means!
I have been with DH 18 years and we have always had a joint bank account. I wouldn’t want to go begging to him cap in hand to buy things for our children, that’s absurd!
I would give him an ultimatum if I were you. Joint bank account or divorce (he would have to divide all his precious assets and declare how much he has stashed away and he would hate that I am sure).
Either way it sounds like you would be better off without him and his meanness!

Why not return to fulltime employment? Take back some power. Explain that you'll no longer be financially controlled and are considering your options, ie, divorce.

OP you're definitely not being a brat! Never.
I can't believe he won't give you a card to shop on your own.
It's the fact he has the means to provide you with financial freedom.

@MMadness
I agree with you, only issue is kids will suffer big time as I'm basically needed there from 3-10pm to help with h w ferry to and from sports/drama/music and am loathed to let them suffer at the result of his selfishness.
I'm looking to do my own thing business wise which will take a bit to set up but you guys in here have really inspired me to get my shit together !
It's so tough to rise out of a anxious /depressive feeling shit being controlled. Having you all tell me I'm not being a brat and that it is a controlling relationship has helped so much.

I just wonder how if any of you have experienced divorce/separation how do the kids deal with it amd is there a better age to do this at ? But maybe that's for another thread .... x
Ladies /posters on here you are 🤗🤗🤗🌟

greencat

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

He is quite happy to see you (and in turn your kids) financially suffer and does not give a fig about his children either. If he did, he would not be treating you as their mother abusively.

Your kids already know something is badly wrong here and will pick up on the fact you as their mother are being controlled. Your eldest child has already noticed.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are seeing an abusive role model of a relationship that they could all too easily go onto emulate themselves, this is no legacy to leave them.

They should not suffer financially if you leave him, you are married to this person and have rights in law here. Your H is not above the law.
Your children will adapt and will likely be happier emotionally themselves if you were to separate. You will certainly be teaching them better about relationships too if you do.

Do not wait until they are older for you to then leave; you will really be a shadow of your former self by then and it will simply just give him more years in which to further abuse you (and in turn them). Staying for the sake of the children as well is never a good idea and in your case a particularly harmful one. There is never a good time to leave really as there is always some occasion or other but I would certainly make plans to leave your abusive H sooner rather than later. Start photocopying financial paperwork, talk to Womens Aid, get legal advice from Solicitors who are well versed in the dealings of such abusive men and plan your exit here with due care and diligence.

It is only when you are completely out of this relationship will you
perhaps realise the whole extent to how you (and in turn they) have been controlled. Such abuse takes a long time to recover from, years even. This is why I would suggest that you enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as it will help you move forward. Reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft is also a necessary prerequisite; your H is certainly in those pages.

greencat

Financially abusive men often employ other types of abuse against their chosen target. I would therefore not think that he is solely financially abusive towards you.

They do not adore their dad at all. They instead fear him. They are likely to be hypervigilant, quiet and super compliant around him as a result. He is no decent father to them because he treats you abusively. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and in turn them.

I would also employ the services of a forensic accountant to look at the financials as he will likely try and hide as much as possible money from you in a settlement.

@attilathe meerkat

Could be money very well spent👍

Think of the incredibly damaging relationship example you’re setting for your girls by being controlled by a man.

You slept walked into a dysfunctional situation and if you want it to end, you will have to be awake and prepared to do the hard bits that your lapse in judgment has cost you.

I’m not being harsh for the sake of it, you deserve better, your girl’s deserve better that watching the humiliation and dehumanising spectre of the Mr benevolent and Mrs grateful tango.

3rd time today I'm saying 'no-brainer'
Sit him down and tell him you want full access to money.
It should be shared and you want it that way from now on.
If he won't agree you will start divorce proceedings and you will then have the money you deserve for putting a hold on your career and raising HIS children.
See what he says to that!
But get legal advice first and foremost.
Knowledge is power.
Try to find anything you can regarding finances.
If he's good with money he may find a way to 'hide' a lot of it.
So no heads up for him.
Full financial disclosure or you walk!
Have you ever said that to him before?

That's financial abuse and I'd want access to all funds or a fucking divorce

I agree with trying to get proof of his finances so you've got some groundwork covered if the relationship does end up going south.

What does he say when you raise the topic of a joint account? Or has it never been explicitly discussed?

What did you mean by him 'not letting' you have a card to withdraw money? As a married couple, it's just as much your money as his.

@LannieDuck
I've had numerous conversations about it all. Arguments , threats (which I don't carry out) . I think like I said earlier I've become weak as weak due to 20 yrs with him like this.
He controls me end of. You ladies have inspired me so much and are so right.

I was talking to a guy in a bar about it .. big shot lawyer- he was rude as sin to me and said it was my fault for letting my husband do this . Wake up and sort yourself out he said. How friggin right was he !!!!!
He keeps all his papers at his office nothing at home at all.

I've had 3,000 on a credit card for 10yrs. In that time he's earnt big lump sums. Each time says he will pay it off (as it's his spending too but in my name) . 10 yrs later ... nothing ! Last lump sum was 500,000 this is what fucking hurts like shit ... I actually think I hate him when I write this

I think you need some independent expert advice. He totally the type of person who will hide money, and prob go self-employed to avoid CSA.

What's his reason for not having a joint account? Just 'I earn it, so it's mine'?

Says he can't afford it. Can't keep taking money out of his business. All the general evidence and his lifestyle suggests otherwise 💯

Ergh is it wine o clock yet !??

Divorce him and take half the money. We'll see how he feels then!

Does he not keep his/your personal money separate to your business money? He absolutely should be.

You're not asking for a joint business account with him, purely to be a named party on the family account... of which you are already a part! It doesn't cost any more to make it a joint account.

Either way, it's just fiddling while Rome burns. He's extremely rich, and he wants you to have nothing. That's not a loving relationship.