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Original poster

How to stop the hugs

65 replies

Violetbird · 22/09/2019 20:07

For the last few months I have struck up a sort of friendship with an older man at work - he is 30+ years older than me. We got on well and would chat about ordinary things. I do NOT fancy him.

After about a month he started to say things like, he feels more comfortable talking to me than he does with most people, and it's hard for him to make friends normally and he's so glad he's met me, etc. He said he's started to care about me a lot. He said he has told his wife about his friendship with me and she's glad he has a friend as he doesn't have many of those.

So anyway, a few weeks ago I had some emotional news and he asked if he could give me a hug. I am not a hugging person and felt awkward saying no, but allowed it this time as a one off.

Problem is he now thinks it's okay to hug me. I am quite weird about personal space , and even find it strange to hug family. If it's just me and colleague in the office first thing in the morning, he greets me with a hug. I've told him I don't like hugs, but he keeps doing it.

I'm not sure what to do, I hate confrontation and don't want to make things awkward, but I keep saying I don't like hugs and it continues. I've started coming in to work later to avoid being alone with him as he tends to not do it when others are around.

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 22/09/2019 20:10

When you say you’ve told him you don’t like hugs, have you told him to stop hugging you?

Windydaysuponus · 22/09/2019 20:11

Tell him from now on hugs come with a price tag for charity. £20 a hug.
Or a slap in the chops?
Delete as appropriate...

MissLadyM · 22/09/2019 20:12

The arsehole is continuing to force contact on you despite being told you don't like it AND being sly about when he does it?! He deserves a kick in the balls but you need to firmly tell him not to touch you again or hell be reported. He's a creep not a friend!

Jesse70 · 22/09/2019 20:13

U don't want to make things awkward? It already is isn't it ?

Inishoo · 22/09/2019 20:20

He is a real creep.

He has known what he has been doing from day one - he has been grooming you and pushing boundaries.
He is not a nice man, he is not your friend. Currently it sounds like he is pushing for an emotional affair with you.

You need to be very direct that you don’t want to be hugged. Put it in writing if you need to. Ask another female to help you through this. He will have had form for this.

Sorry that you have to experience and deal with this.

Orangepearl · 22/09/2019 20:27

Hate to break it to you but you are not special to him.

I’m saying this harshly so you can see him for what he is.

He will have done this many times before. It’s a way of getting physical contact with you and hoping you don’t notice it for what it is.

Speakoutwoman · 22/09/2019 20:29

Good advice from Inishoo. You need to be assertive. Practice one simple sentence. Maybe " I don't want to be hugged. Thank you". I know you've already told him but he's ignored that.

Literally keep your distance from him. If he moves towards you to touch you, hold you hand up in front of you and repeat "Don't touch me. Thank you." The fact he only hugs you when you are alone in the office shows that he knows it's not OK.

You do NOT have to be polite. He is being rude, invading your space, ignoring your request. He is old enough to be your father and he needs to back off before he has a serious charge of harassment against him. If this does not work, and it may well not, then you need to speak to your line manager and get some help with this. It is your workplace and you must feel safe there. He's a creep.

chickenyhead · 22/09/2019 20:36

Why on earth would he tell his wife about a work colleague?

Sorry OP but I think he has an agenda and you are on it. Your body language will be screaming out that you don't like it, but he does and that's all he cares about.

What is he like with others in the office? Chatty? Or do they avoid him?

I think that you should email him and tell him that you don't want the hugging anymore. You don't even hug family.

This then provides a written record.

You haven't done anything to cause this. This is who he is.

Speakoutwoman · 22/09/2019 20:43

OP - if this is happening in the work place then presumably he's either seeking you out at breaks or lunchtime for these discussions? Does he email you / text you? Or does he sit next to you?

As well as telling him to back off (and I can imagine how difficult that is with someone so much older than you) you also need to change your response. So, if he emails you / texts you, stop responding.If he knows your social media - facebook etc, then unfriend him / block him. If it's at work during breaks then you need to start being unavailable to sit and chat with him. I suspect that most women in your workplace would help you once they realise that his attention is unwelcome.

How / when is he having these conversations with you ?

ChristmasFluff · 22/09/2019 21:13

I'd act out in a sort of jokey way - so if he goes in for the hug, literally push him off and go, 'you know how I am, No Hugs, No Hugs!'

He'll find another victim.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 22/09/2019 21:24

Step back, grab his hand for a handshake while using your other arm locked straight on his shoulder to maintain the distance. "Oh hi Harry, shake it out cos you know I don't do hugs!"

Speakoutwoman · 22/09/2019 21:27

I really don't think Violetbird should have any physical contact with him. If she touches him on his shoulder / hand he is quite capable of misreading that as an invitation. He needs the message that his behaviour is unacceptable and he is not to touch her in any way.

Speakoutwoman · 22/09/2019 21:33

I hope we haven't frightened you away OP? Nobody here thinks you're to blame. Many of us have had similar experiences of (often) older men deciding that we're great / wanting an inappropriate relationship with us in the workplace but he is being inappropriate.
It's the work place, he's 30 years older than you and he's making you uncomfortable. Hopefully an assertive response from you will pull him up and make him realise that he's being inappropriate. BUT if it doesn't, then you need help from someone senior. There are lots of wise women on here who can advise if you want to talk. .

gostiwooz · 22/09/2019 21:38

I've had quite a few jobs, and I have never ever come across anywhere where any of the staff would arrive at work in the morning and greet one another with a hug. He is massively overstepping the mark, and he knows he is, because he doesn't do it if anyone else is there.

This is sexual harassment, pure and simple. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms to stop - shouted at if necessary.

0lga · 22/09/2019 21:49

I’m sorry but he’s not your friend because

  1. He’s ignoring what you told him about your feelings and hugging.
  1. He’s lying to you about his wife. There’s not a chance in the world that a 60 year old man said to his 60 year old wife that he now was friends with a 25 year old single woman at work and she replied

“ I’m so glad that you have a friend at last”.

That’s utter nonsense.

miaCara · 22/09/2019 21:55

In my workplace hugs are commonplace. Its a stressful environment and a hug is a needed and valuable resource some days. However these hugs are almost exclusively woman on woman. It is an extremely rare occasion that its a woman and man hugging. Its just not done under normal circumstances. In fact the only times I can think of is on a special occasion such as leaving.
Keep this man at arms length OP. He is trying to groom you.

sheshootssheimplores · 22/09/2019 22:15

I agree re. the grooming comment. He knows what he is doing and is getting gratification from pushing your boundaries and having physical contact with you.

HowDoIMoveOnFromThis · 23/09/2019 04:00

OP, you're not alone. There was a very similar thread only a few months ago.

We've all been there - older men who are well experienced at manipulating much younger women. These men know that 30+yrs younger women are socialised to be nice and kind to men; that they're a little bit uncomfortable around much older men and unlikely to say no; that they worry about being seen as 'silly' or having misread a situation so will go along with something they're not comfortable with; and assume that they're safe as they're much older and wouldnt do anything to manipulate someone so much younger.

And the women don't understand any of this but play the part perfectly.

You remember all the stranger danger stuff you were taught as a child? That a good adult wont be offended or angry by you telling them that you can't talk to strangers etc? Well this is no different. A man who is good wouldn't behave like this in the first place will be horrified he's made you uncomfortable, apologise and never do it again.

Assert your boundaries.

DeadCucumber · 23/09/2019 04:02

As he goes to hug you.... Move away and say I've told you no thank you.
I've done this before 😂

Original poster
Violetbird · 23/09/2019 09:10

Thanks everyone for your replies - no you haven't scared me off. I know deep down it's a bit weird but unsure how to handle it from now on.

OP posts:
HowDoIMoveOnFromThis · 23/09/2019 09:25

I think you've been given really good advice on how to handle it actually.

Step back, put a hand up and say, "I don't want you to hug me". And then, if he continues, repeat and, "I've told you I don't want you to hug me."

Seriously, if he's 30+ years older than you, I'm guessing you're in your 20s and he's in his 50s? Or thereabouts?

I can guarantee he wouldnt try this on with me (in my mid 40s). Not because I'm no longer as youthful and pretty as you, but because he would know that, by now, I'll he well experienced in men who behave like this and know exactly how to handle them. He's relying on you feeling too uncomfortable/polite to stop him.

Everything he has said, from the 'feeling comfortable' talking to you to his wife knowing about you is all part of it. He told you he feels comfortable with you so that you feel 'protective' towards him; that his wife knows so that you don't perceive him as threatening or predatory; and that she is happy he has a friend as he doesn't have many so that you will feel 'mean' or 'unkind' for putting a stop to it.

I promise you, you can stop it and he wont be heartbroken if you stop the hugs.

More than that, give it another 15 years and you'll be rolling your eyes at it all as you see it happening to another young woman by a different much older man.

You do not need to spare the feelings of predatory males.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 23/09/2019 09:34

This is very unpleasant.

Try using your arms as physical barrier. Carry a cup of coffee in front of you, or your coat.

You shouldn’t have to do it, but if he won’t listen then this is a way to break up the routine that he wants to establish.

Tell him you don’t like hugs. I doubt he’ll listen though.

GilbertMarkham · 23/09/2019 09:36

Wow, he's harassing you.

It's essentially workplace harassment, done insidiously and depicted by him as friendship and concern.

You can either say "stop, I'm not comfortable with this", record everything to date as well as you can and anything from now on .. and go to HR if it doesn't stop.

Or go straight to HR now with whatever you can record/remember and have them speak to him for you instead.

It's so shit/wrong that you're changing your working hours just to avoid him, make that clear to HR of you go to them.

He's a fkg creepy, manipulative groomer.

GilbertMarkham · 23/09/2019 09:40

Also I have a strong feeling he'll try to escakate the "friendship" Hmm to something romantic/sexual if not stopped.

There was a thread on here with a not dissimilar situation (though he was a customer in a place she worked with a even bigger she gap, also married) and he eventually tried to kiss her etc. which was why she posted the thread.

GilbertMarkham · 23/09/2019 09:43

(he had also convinced himself it was a two-way budding romantic relationship and all her tolerance and politeness indicated she understood and reciprocated, he actually said "I think it's time, don't you" when he went to kiss her, an early 20s girl ....

Uuugg uugh shudder.

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