How to stop the hugs

[Violetbird]

For the last few months I have struck up a sort of friendship with an older man at work - he is 30+ years older than me. We got on well and would chat about ordinary things. I do NOT fancy him.

After about a month he started to say things like, he feels more comfortable talking to me than he does with most people, and it's hard for him to make friends normally and he's so glad he's met me, etc. He said he's started to care about me a lot. He said he has told his wife about his friendship with me and she's glad he has a friend as he doesn't have many of those.

So anyway, a few weeks ago I had some emotional news and he asked if he could give me a hug. I am not a hugging person and felt awkward saying no, but allowed it this time as a one off.

Problem is he now thinks it's okay to hug me. I am quite weird about personal space , and even find it strange to hug family. If it's just me and colleague in the office first thing in the morning, he greets me with a hug. I've told him I don't like hugs, but he keeps doing it.

I'm not sure what to do, I hate confrontation and don't want to make things awkward, but I keep saying I don't like hugs and it continues. I've started coming in to work later to avoid being alone with him as he tends to not do it when others are around.

I keep saying I don't like hugs and it continues.
He knows she doesn't like hugs. She has told him multiple times.

he tends to not do it when others are around.
Does he ever do it when others are around?

He hasn’t chosen to buddy up and groom a younger MALE colleague has he?

Can you imagine him carrying out all of the grooming behaviours and conversations with a male?

We are brought up to be too polite and to fear assertion turning to confrontation.

We are not taught to “see” creepy behaviour and to nip it in the bud immediately.

You now know what you are dealing with - I hope that you listen to your gut, tap into some anger to deal with him directly and firmly.

I would look to confide and ask for support from a trusted female colleague so that this is logged. Is he in a position of power over you?

I would be dealing with much more than the hugs - and would be removing myself from every one to one communication with him that isn’t work related.

Do you feel empowered to do this?

What are the practical steps you need to take?

As others have said, create a barrier when you arrive at work. Have your coat or bag or a cup of coffee in front of you and as he approaches you for the hug, hold up the item in between and say firmly "No hugs Harry, thank you". If he continues then a conversation, or put it in email for a paper trail "Harry, I've told you on numerous occasions that I do not like to be hugged but you keep on doing it. Please respect my personal boundaries and do not touch me. If it carries on you will leave me no option but to escalate this, and I'm sure neither of us wants that."

Please don' worry about upsetting this man, because he's not considering your feelings at all.

Olga I live in a very rural area. Buses run every 2 hours. So getting another bus is difficult. The driver is usually the same one and watches out for me. The other passengers are all very regular too. I never feel like I am alone with him. I am always careful what I tell anyone. Everyone here knows everyone and they are very nosey. My husband works in mental health and this man goes to a social group for people with mental health issues. My dh goes there with his job and joined the sports team in his freetime. My dh is a popular figure there. So its easy for him to pick up information about us. I think he is mainly lonely and just needed a more forceful telling. Hopefully he's got the message.
My facebook is normally very private. I think he only got the odd photo that I had accidently put publically.

Just tell him you're not really a 'huggy kind of person'

I'd try and pull back from this friendship too, he sounds very full on

Glad that you came back OP.
There are some useful ideas on here. What's most important is that you know this isn't your fault. He is sexually harassing you in the work place with unwanted touching - and he is seeking you out when others (who might call him out on it) aren't present.
How did things go today?

I'd say in loud cheery tones "Sorry [Creep], no more hugs!" and physically step away from him. Smile. Say it loudly so everyone can hear. Do the same thing every time he tries.

www.google.com/search?q=anti+hugging+meme&oq=anti+hug&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l3.9663j0j7&client=ms-android-samsung-gs-rev1&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#imgrc=qDHPvxt-8RKM4M:

"Just tell him you're not really a 'huggy kind of person'"

Why? Why does she need to put the blame on herself for this?

She needs to tell him to back the fuck off so he realises his behaviour is wildly inappropriate.

LiveInAHidingPlace

Absolutely. Was just about to say the same thing.

OP, this has reminded me of a man I met in a social setting last year. He kept trying to dance with me; he kept touching me and, whenever I moved away from him, he followed me.

I asked him several times not to touch me. I started off communicating it non verbally; then I progressed to saying "no thank you"; then I progressed to putting a hand up and saying quite clearly "don't touch me"; then "I've asked you not to touch me, now just fuck off".

At which point he looked hurt and said I wasnt being very nice to him!

Men who behave like this know exactly what they are doing.

OP, you have been ignored, can you communicate in other ways too...email/text

Dear (creep)
I have said in person, but been ignored, I do not want to be hugged. I am putting this in writing to confirm my request.
Kind regards
OP

If this doesn't work you can take to HR to ask them to communicate your clear message.

I have a strict no touching policy in my office, everyone else can hug each other etc as much as they like as long as they don’t touch me. There is one woman who sometimes tries sometimes I back away, other times I put my arm out and tell her not to touch me. She also recently tried to feel another colleagues breast reconstruction!

If he doesn’t change I would ask his line manager/HR (via email) to speak to him about his behaviour.

We're so conditioned to please that to say 'no' is hard.

I'd take a step back and say 'no hugs!'. I did this with an over friendly acquaintance. He's got the message now. You owe this man nothing. You are owed a safe working environment.

The fact that he only does it when no one else is around means he knows it is wrong. He is not your friend and he doesn’t care about your feelings. He is a creep. Just say I told you already no hugs and walk away.