How to stop the hugs

[Violetbird]

For the last few months I have struck up a sort of friendship with an older man at work - he is 30+ years older than me. We got on well and would chat about ordinary things. I do NOT fancy him.

After about a month he started to say things like, he feels more comfortable talking to me than he does with most people, and it's hard for him to make friends normally and he's so glad he's met me, etc. He said he's started to care about me a lot. He said he has told his wife about his friendship with me and she's glad he has a friend as he doesn't have many of those.

So anyway, a few weeks ago I had some emotional news and he asked if he could give me a hug. I am not a hugging person and felt awkward saying no, but allowed it this time as a one off.

Problem is he now thinks it's okay to hug me. I am quite weird about personal space , and even find it strange to hug family. If it's just me and colleague in the office first thing in the morning, he greets me with a hug. I've told him I don't like hugs, but he keeps doing it.

I'm not sure what to do, I hate confrontation and don't want to make things awkward, but I keep saying I don't like hugs and it continues. I've started coming in to work later to avoid being alone with him as he tends to not do it when others are around.

*age gap

I agree he will escalate. And you will blame yourself for “ leading him on” and giving him “ mixed signals “.

But first he will draw you in further. My bet is that he starts to tell you about problem in his childhood / family / marriage because you are “ so understanding “ and “ the only real friend I have”.

Please listen to all the advice you have had here. You do NOT need to be polite to ANYONE who is making you uncomfortable.

Use nonverbal cues first. Even quite rude, aggressive ones.

When he comes in for a hug, turn your shoulder and rotate away from him. Walk off.

He escalates? Put your hand up even as you are saying 'good morning, Bob' and rotate.

Even dogs get the turning your back on them when they misbehave

I would say to him “please don’t hug Me” if that doesn’t work I would tell him “I’ve told you not to hug me” and finally “don’t touch me”

If he keeps pushing boundaries I would speak to HR

Might be worth putting it in a message too.

Yeah as a side note you need to ask yourself why any 50 something well adjusted, half way normal man would have such trouble making friends, and would have to do so with young women at work; whom he coincidentally is pushing an inappropriate level of emotional and physical closeness upon.

To reiterate - he's a fkg creep.

And at least you will know what to do next time you hear manipulative "he started to say things like, he feels more comfortable talking to me than he does with most people, and it's hard for him to make friends normally and he's so glad he's met me, etc. He said he's started to care about me a lot. " [my wife doesn't understand me]

bollocks like this!

A cynical 'oh, yeah?' and lip curl goes a long way!

(And he's using his workplace to creep on much younger women whom he wouldn't have access to, or who most likely wouldn't give him the time of day socially).

What kind/size of company do you work for op?

Some people see closeness where others would just see a work acquaintance. It shouldn’t be your job to show him the difference, but for a more tolerable work experience perhaps you’ll have to get tough, because he’s taking advantage of your good manners. He’s an arse for putting you in this position- don’t forget that!

I used to work with someone like this. He had a girl pal in every department, they all assumed they were special but they were all just there at his disposal, for him to talk inappropriately to. He was quite a likeable outgoing character so he was popular but definitely very inappropriate, his wife knew about these relationships but she will not have known the full extent of them, the things he discussed and lines he crossed. I am wondering if its the same person actually! His initials aren't J.L are they!

Firstly - agree with everyone else the guy is a total creep and you need to get this “friendship” out of your life. Honestly I’d just completely back off, treat him as a distant work colleague and refuse to go for lunch/coffee/whatever you do where you have these conversations. Don’t answer your phone to him and if he texts wait for ages then just send a short polite reply.

Re the hugs, I’m afraid you’re going to have to be really direct, physically block him and tell him loudly that you’ve already said you don’t like it and it has to stop. He’s relying on you being too embarrassed to make a fuss and you’ve got to show him you won’t fall for it.

Any fallout has to go straight to HR. Good luck.

I think you need to make things more awkward; so awkward that he stops touching you up. Tell him e.g. that you are not interested in an affair with him.

Tell him e.g. that you are not interested in an affair with him.

His response will be (fake) shock and disapproval - he'll make out op is the one with the 'dirty mind' and who has completely jumped to sexual/romantic stuff when he's "just being friendly, kind, trying to support her" etc.

Personally I don't think she should mention anything like that - just stop him hugging her, record for HR and maybe approach them if he doesn't back off.

She should deal with and talk about what he is doing, not what he might do - but she has absolutely no evidence of.

Her mentioning affairs etc when he hasn't said anything like that (even if we all think.its likely that's where he'll head in the longer term if not stopped in his tracks) will just be used by him to make her look like she's overreacting, assuming lots of things, over-imaginative, hysterical, whatever .. if she does take it to HR.

Please feel not mention anything he hasn't said or done OP, only what he has (and that you preferably have proof of).

*Please don't

OK, may just be me that would be fine with him doing fake shock if it meant he took his sticky hands off me!

What a vile man. I would become very frosty and not be open to conversations never mind hugs. In my experience there are almost no men who really want to be just friends with a woman. Some may disagree with me but that's my experience.

There is a man who gets my bus. We have been chatting for years. But he is not my friend. For some reason lately he decided to start hugging me in greeting. This man is over a foot taller than me and just launches himself at me. Its intimidating. I hate hugs. My body language should have been enough to let him realise this. I tried to politely and gently tell him I don't like his hugs. I am not usually so gentle or polite. But I know he's got problems and as attempted suicide a few times. He didn't get the message. Last week I finally lost my temper. He acted hurt trying to make me feel bad. Saying I was being very nasty to him. He said I suppose "you don't even let your husband hug you either". I told him my husband is the only person who's allowed. He kept on about how I had really hurt him. Why was I being like this? How I was like a sister to him. I literally only speak to him whilst I wait for the bus. He found me on facebook he showed me some of my pictures on his phone. He kept sending messages. He demanded to know why I didn't reply. I told him I was busy. I hadn't even had time to reply to my sister in weeks. So I wouldn't be replying to his.
I wont be made to feel like the bad guy because someone as decided to impose himself on me. It's my body I will say who touches it. I am not being polite anymore I recommend the Op isn't either.

@HowDoIMoveOnFromThis has nailed it for you.

Please don't worry about this being awkward. Easy to say I know but what he is doing is so not okay. You are not the one making it awkward.

I would just say 'Hold up there buddy - back off - you know I don't like hugs. Watch my personal space. So what did you get up to last night'
Just change the conversation.
And yes, I really would do that.

In my experience there are almost no men who really want to be just friends with a woman. Some may disagree with me but that's my experience.

x2

Especially women half their age whom they won't stop pushing physical contact on, even when the girls body language is very likely signalling reluctance.

@Shebertherbert

He sounds a bit unhinged.

@Shebertherbert

I agree, his behaviour is concerning.

Lock down your Facebook name other social media. Stop discussing what you do or don’t do with your husband or any other personal information.

Personally I’d catch another bus or get on at a different stop and sit where he can’t sit beside you.

I'm nearer this man's age than yours. Growing up there really wasn't a huggy culture, I only noticed that many people hug virtual strangers when my own DC were teenagers. So I sort of started doing it too, thinking it was the expected norm even though I actually find it uncomfortable except with my own children and very dear friends. I had a think about it and decided that if it made me uncomfortable I'd stop doing it. Now if someone goes in for a hug I can confidentially say ' No hugs thanks, I don't like it'
It then doesn't become a big drama nor is it taken personally by anyone as far as I can tell.
I think it sounds as if this man is becoming too interested in you and you are thinking of him solely as a work colleague. He may well have started from a completely innocent place but this is making you feel uncomfortable and it doesn't sound as if he's got that message. I'm imagining that his age has a great bearing on your feelings......
So could you just try to tell him 'No hugs thanks' as soon as you can?