It's actually over

[dazedandconfusednc]

Nc and posting as I just need this off my chest and don't want to share in real life.

4 years together and tonight I found out that he not only cheated, but has gotten her pregnant (no dc's of our own). My heart has never been so broken. I made myself sick from crying so much. I feel sadness and grief for the life I thought we'd have together. We've spoken every single day for 4 years. He was my best friend.
He has been distant lately and now I know why. I haven't even looked sideways at any other man since the day we met. Meanwhile, he's kissed women on nights out that I had no idea about. He showed me pictures a (different) girl was sending him, naked from waist up. There has been several on nights out apparently and 1 woman he slept with.
I hate myself for still loving him but I won't go back this time. No previous knowledge of cheating but a rocky relationship and enough suspicions that I should have left long ago.

Really sorry @dazedandconfusednc

I can totally empathise how you're feeling, and that shock / sick sensation. You're in shock, be kind to yourself.

Have you told anyone IRL yet? I think that would help to give you support for the new reality, and also to ensure your boundaries are respected here.

What he's done is shocking; Jekyll and Hyde character. Please don't go back or beg (been there).

You will still love him, that won't go away so quickly, but love and respect yourself more- your worth is so much more. As distant as it may seem right now, there is far, far better out there that will never make you feel the way you do.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Thanks @Miracleon34thstreet

The whole conversation felt utterly surreal. Still does really. I would've sworn he wasn't the type to do that. He is devastated at what he caused. OW is older than both of us (I'm 26, he's 31 and she's 33) and doesn't know about me but has told him from the off she wants nothing to do with him and he won't be seeing the baby. He thinks she used him for that. He knows that's no excuse obviously but I know that he'll be miserable for a very long time if he isn't allowed to see the child. He's very paternal and has always wanted one. I do feel sorry for him in that aspect and will probably help him fight it if he ever asks. I did mean it whenever I told him I'd love him no matter what. The desire to sort things isn't even gone after this whole shitshow. If he showed up at my door now and begged, I'm not strong enough yet to say no. I know one day I'll be fine but things are too raw. I haven't even known for more than a few hours yet.

The worst part was I got so upset and didn't want to leave the relationship with any lies so I told him about the suspected mc I had a few months back. I had a faint positive and spent a couple of days trying to get my head around it before deciding how to tell him, silly me wanted it to be special for him. Nothing extravagant, just a nice few moments together to celebrate. Anyway, I started bleeding before I had the chance and decided not to tell him as it would only have hurt him. I thought it would be cruel to create to image of our child, only to tell him it was gone in the same sentence. It was the only thing I was never 100% truthful about in 4 years. I regret it now but I just couldn't see what good telling him would do.

I am devastated at the thought of him being tied to this other woman for life. For the record, I feel much more revulsion and hatred for him than I do her. It is entirely his fault. He really isn't in a good place right now, he has very poor mental health and pretty strong suicidal thoughts (for the past year so long before this happened). Again, it's no excuse but I am so hurt that he chose to act this way. He's also addicted to steroids which has altered his personality beyond recognition. He isn't the man I met and fell in love with. I'm grieving for the person I thought he was and whom I was hopeful I'd get back one day if I supported him to get help.

I have definitely begged in the past. We've had rocky patches before but I thought it was because so much has gone wrong for it. It felt like the universe was against us (series of bereavements on both sides, financial hardship, serious illness on my side, trouble with jobs etc.) My self esteem is on the floor. He's never seen me naked in anything other than total pitch black. I'm a couple of stone overweight (due to medication and chronic illness meaning I can't exercise) and also disabled. Can't help but think that didn't help matters either. I wasn't sick at the start of our relationship but have gradually gotten worse. I have believed for a long time that I am worthless and no one else would take me on. On the other hand, I almost feel grateful for a concrete reason to end things forever. Before it was just a feeling that things weren't working out, no one had really done the other any wrong. And even now, I'm victim to the sunken cost fallacy. 4 years of my life down the drain and all that.

It's just a whole big mess. I don't want to tell anyone irl. I know my family and friends would support me but I cannot deal with any more pity in my life right now. I can't be that person who's relationship ended so dramatically badly. He was close to my immediate family and I don't want to cayse them any ill feelings towards him (for their sake only). They would all be devastated and feel duped beyond belief. I will protect them from that.

I thought he was the person I'd spend my life with and the hardest part about all this is finding out that person doesn't exist.

Sorry for the incoherent ramblings readers!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Honestly, he sounds horrible. Give yourself time to process this news. It sounds like you’re in shock.

Have you thought about posting/moving this thread to the Relationships section? You’d get a lot of support from posters there with wisdom and experience. If you click on the dots by you’re OP you can ‘report’ the thread and ask for it to be moved.

Thanks @FaithInfinity

I put it in chat cause I wasn't planning on sticking around after posting. Just wanted to be able to get it off my chest but writing it all out is helping a bit. Thank you for the suggestion

I know someone will come along eventually and tell me it was all for the best and things will work out but I am beyond devastated just now.

Please don't zap the thread for this but I just want everything to end. I want to check out. There isn't a single thing in my life right now that's worth continuing to endure this hurt. I am humiliated and angry and sad and hateful towards myself. I want nothing more than to leave this place and all the terrible things it makes people suffer. I've had my fair share and then some.

Physically, I'll never be pain free thanks to my illness. Emotionally, I won't ever recover. I'll never be the same person ever again. I'll never trust blindly without question ever again. I'll never have the confidence to be emotionally or physically intimate with anyone ever again (barely had it with him but my low self esteem and anxiety is pretty much life long). So what is the point? What is it people actually want from life? Because I know I don't want any of my aspirations alone. Kids, a home, building a career, travelling the world, growing old and being our own family. All that was only special because it would have been with him.

I am worth less than someone who doesn't love him. I was in hospital recently and there were days I didn't see him at all. He admitted he visited her. He was my family and best friend. I've never considered cheating, but how can people compartmentalise so well that they are able to be intimate with someone else knowing that another person is waiting for them to come home? He has been cheated on in the past, he would know better than anyone else how it feels.

I have so so many questions, it's torture knowing that he could answer every one of them and I'll still never be able to trust that he told me the whole truth. Why not end things if he was even remotely interested in someone else? I ALWAYS said that. If your head can be turned, I don't think you ever truly loved the original person. He has an incredible talent for switching off his feelings and I've never been more jealous of that. I almost wish he could feel the physical pain I am in.

I know how melodramatic I sound. People will be rolling their eyes at this and telling me to get a grip. They're right. But I have nothing left to give myself or anyone else. I must deserve this, it's punishment for being a burden on others. I will have to live with the memory of last night for the rest of my life.

Is there someone you can talk to in real life?
If not please call Samaritans on 116 123
Your life is worth something
❤️

@supercatlady

I won't actually do anything to myself. It would be a family member who found me and I'd never put anyone through that.

I've lost all desire for my life to be worth anything. I feel like an empty shell of a person. I really don't have anything that is worth feeling this much hurt.

I've felt like this. Samaritans can help even if you're not suicidal.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so low but it can get better.
Be kind to yourself
💐

@supercatlady

Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you feel better and have positivity in your life.

I hope I'll get there too

Breathe.

Everything you're feeling is normal. And I'm sorry it hurts so much.

Everyone deserves love and respect. It seems he's been mistreating you for a while. That's a reflection on him. Not you.

Reach out to family and friends. Lean on them. It will hurt. You'll feel broken. Then anger will come. You'll never feel this badly again. Day by day it'll lessen.

It's so strange because he's the only person that knows absolutely everything about me. He's the one I want to talk to about it but I can't. I'm so desperate to wake up and find none of it happened. Or failing that, to not wake up at all. I hate being vulnerable and this is why. It's not fair that other people can completely change us. If I make it through this, I'll only drive people away with my anxiety and self consciousness. I know how needy and unattractive those traits are. I'll never be happy

Sorry to hear what your going through.
I’m going through the same type thing myself, but my ex partner was seeing escorts! I’m going to get through it and so are you

@MMadness

Thank you. I'd tell someone else the same thing probably but it's all so messed up. Even after all this, I could never tell anyone. I would be so devastated for any of my family to dislike him. They welcomed him into the family. My mum treats him like a son. My sibling loves him like a brother. I've only said we're taking a break and I feel a terrible pit in my stomach by lying.
He made me so happy and the betrayal has broken me. All I ever expected was honesty and loyalty. I genuinely thought we'd take on life together.

@Justme1234567

I'm sorry this has happened to you. This thread might help www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3692076-Should-I-tell-him?pg=2&order=
I've never read something so level headed and determined. I wish I had that strength.

So sorry for your pain, but in the future you will realise you have dodged a bullet.

"has told him from the off she wants nothing to do with him and he won't be seeing the baby. He thinks she used him for that. "

"and doesn't know about me" -

You are dealing with a liar. He is lying to you on several levels. You are not with a person who likes you, values you or is connected to you. Women are things to be played with.

There are much nicer men out there.

Im sorry you are going through this - i think you’re still in shock it will take time to process. When it happened to me i was at such a low ebb, it was a shock and the thought of my family kept me going through those early dark times when i felt my tummy churning and felt fear of the future. I remember feeling the odd reality of wanting to talk to him about the pain as he was my best friend but he was the cause of it. BUT it does get better, friends and family helped me and you suddenly realise you feel ok. Now i feel nothing for my exh and could never imagine feeling that way.

Get support, your friends and family will want to help you, be kind to yourself. Its not your fault. You deserve better. Take your time - you WILL get through this. Use mumsnet for ranting and support - theres lots of wisdom on this group

Sorry everyone,
Everything has been so overwhelming and I haven't been strong enough.

We still talk every day and I'm still absolutely heartbroken. I haven't made it more than a couple of hours without crying and feeling it all over again. I had to tell someone as I really couldn't face lying to my family and now my mum knows. She was the last person I wanted to know, she's treated him like a son and now won't ever see him the same way. I'm terrified of people hating him, the thought breaks my heart.

I change my mind about what to do so many times a day. I've never loved anyone before him. I know that makes me sound naive but before him I was so guarded. Refused to get into relationships because they'd either fall apart or end in a life time together and I wasn't ready for either yet.

Every time i think about them together my stomach drops. He said they had sex 3 times and went on 1 date but still won't tell me when it started or finished, or when they took the test (did it together apparently) or when she's due. There are things that don't add up but he's not willing to talk in more detail. For example, he said he saw her random nights he didn't see me and never stayed overnight, but they were together when she took a pregnancy test? I took tests regularly and he was here one morning I did - it was negative but I was sure I could see a faint line (obviously panicking because of what happened before). The whole time he was in another relationship. Apparently she asked him and he agreed then she put it on fb. This was early on in summer - someone saw and mailed her asking how long they'd been together and I got the receiving end of his temper about it. He'd been caught but explained it away with a bullshit story which I was only too happy to believe. It turns my stomach the thought of him being with someone else, kissing her and touching her and all the rest. Especially since he was with me in between. I've never experienced betrayal like it, we spoke about a family together so many times and now another woman will give him his first child.

I asked him why he did it and he said it was new and exciting. That was a real gut punch. I've asked him so many times to go out and do something a bit different but there was always an excuse. No money, too tired, other plans (likely with her) etc.
I saw my doctor and have been referred to MH team for counselling - I couldn't even get the situation out, I just sobbed the whole time.

I feel pathetic and worthless. I already had terrible self esteem and anxiety.
I sound dramatic, but I won't ever be the same person i was 4 years ago before I met him.

More things hit me as I remember them and it feels like the pain will never let up. Despite all this I still love him so much And would do anything for him. I'd jump around and dance like a fool if he told me to.

I'm ashamed of myself for being so weak and I hate him for making me feel so badly in myself. 5 minutes later I'm in tears because I miss him holding me at night and if I'd never found out, that's what he'd be here doing.

Even if we stay apart, people will probably find out one day via Facebook (which I can say hands down has ruined my life and I've not even had one since being a teenager!). It's a small world and there will be a picture or post one day that will give it away so it seems doomed. Sad thing is, that doesn't make it any easier. I still want us to be together and have the future we spoke about.

There's so much more. A year in he was away for a week at a work conference...3 months after he got back I found a booking confirmation that he went on holiday with a female friend. Still swears nothing happened between them but now I'm doubting everything. I'm so utterly stupid and gullible and desperate.

I dearly wish for something to put me out my misery.

Hang on in there. Things will get better, and you will love again. Hugs xxxxx

@ScreamingLadySutch

Thank you for that. I do need an outsiders perspective to tell me how it looks from there.

I'm realising I've been gaslit into submission but I feel like I'm still there. Even the realisation of the lies doesn't make me want to cut contact. I know how irritating I must sound, I'm really trying to take this good advice in but I'm so so torn.

I'd never date online again I don't think. Also I'm an ambulatory wheelchair user, have multiple chronic and progressive health issues and I'm not coping at all at the minute -definitely not any sort of catch. I can't bring myself to agree that I deserve any better. I think the pressure of my poor health pushed him away. He cared for me and I think this ruined an aspect of our relationship in a way. A partner should be a partner, not a carer.

Thank you @Interestedwoman
Anyone taking the time to comment means a lot to me. I'm feeling so lonely right now

@Lozzerbmc

Thank you too. I'm so sorry you went through anything like this. So many men don't realise when they have a good thing. Or do realise but don't care. I find that so painful, I am fiercely loyal and would never dream of doing something that I know would cause so much hurt.

If he didn't love me any more and left before cheating, it would have broken me but surely it would have been better than this.
The pit in my stomach is dreadful, I've not had a minutes peace from crippling anxiety since Friday and it's exhausting.

I am glad you feel so recovered. Am I wrong to feel devastated at the mere thought of reaching a day where I feel absolutely nothing for him? I know this would be best for my mental health, but it is SO hard to let go of the life I'd imagined and planned for us. That's what I am so upset about, the loss of hope I had for our future. I've told him I only wanted simple things. To come home to each other at night and talk about our days and cook together and go to bed at night and wake up to each other in the morning. A naive outlook on life, I know. But I love him dearly and those things would have truly made me happy.

That's exactly how I feel. He is my best friend in the world and I tell him every single thing, even the not-so-attractive stuff that I'd rather he not know! I'd never hide anything from him. But I desperately need support about this. However, how can I tell him about the pain I'm in without sounding vindictive and like I'm trying to upset him further. Even now, I care about him more than me. I gave my all to this relationship. I was invested and willing to do anything for it. I can't be kind to myself at the expense of someone else. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy (not that I have any!)

And the humiliation of having to book an STI test :( all the little things are setting me off all over again.

How long did it take before you felt ok again? If you don't mind me asking. I feel as though this darkness won't fade

Hello how are you today?

I wouldnt engage with him at all - it just makes it worse and more upsetting and you must resist (but its hard i know).

Just take each day as it comes, standard advice i know but just deal with what you need to do today. Its really hard at the beginning you feel your future has gone and i remember feeling resistent, like i dont want this to happen - i dont want to get over it - i want to go back, but you cant.

I had good friends and tried to get on with it. I moved to a new cottage (we were moving when we split to rent a friends house and i didnt want to let them down). The cottage was so quiet i had radio and tv on all the time. I had a fulltime job which helped as it was the one thing that stayed the same in my life. I had bad days then an ok day then bad then ok and then some good days...I felt the pain came and went quite a bit. It was like having a black cloud over my head but after a while the cloud started to break up and disappear.... I was scared about the future but it got easier, as it will for you too.

Make sure you eat a little and keep hydrated. Do things that make you feel good. Watch your favourite film, have your nails done, have a new haircut. Be kind to yourself. It will get better and you will be stronger for it. I know I am. I think after about 3 months I started feeling better and more optimistic about life.

I read self help books and found them useful and comforting. A book by paul mckenna which helped it was called how to get over a broken heart or something like that. Also novels about similar situations i found comforting as you can feel that its only you this has happened to...

Keep in touch - us mumsnetters stick together

I am here for a handhold too Dazed. Being cheated on changes your whole world view and feelings towards other people and love. I was a mess for a long time and felt weak, but I wasn't weak and neither as you. You are just trying to deal with a betrayal, a new view of the world and grieving a future you had in your head. That is a huge amount to deal with and you have the whole baby issue thrown in on top after your miscarriage.

Just hang in there, one hour at a time and do your best to distract yourself with a book or a movie or anything really. I promise you this is like being in the middle of a storm with the waves hitting you, but over time the wind dies down and the waves become gentler and easier to rise above.

I am 10 years on from finding my whole marriage was a lie and I am now remarried and almost a different person. Keep up with the counselling as it gives you ways to manage and process. I think long term you need to stop contact with him for your own mental health, but you may not be anywhere near ready for that and the counselling will help with that too

How are you OP?