It's actually over

[dazedandconfusednc]

Nc and posting as I just need this off my chest and don't want to share in real life.

4 years together and tonight I found out that he not only cheated, but has gotten her pregnant (no dc's of our own). My heart has never been so broken. I made myself sick from crying so much. I feel sadness and grief for the life I thought we'd have together. We've spoken every single day for 4 years. He was my best friend.
He has been distant lately and now I know why. I haven't even looked sideways at any other man since the day we met. Meanwhile, he's kissed women on nights out that I had no idea about. He showed me pictures a (different) girl was sending him, naked from waist up. There has been several on nights out apparently and 1 woman he slept with.
I hate myself for still loving him but I won't go back this time. No previous knowledge of cheating but a rocky relationship and enough suspicions that I should have left long ago.

Hi, just letting you know I am ok. I will be back tonight after work and will reply properly. Thank you for checking in

@Lozzerbmc

Sorry I've been AWOL. I feel slightly human again before the reality hits me and then I'm just a complete mess.

I'm finding it really difficult still. I can't sleep or eat properly. When family force me to eat something, I feel horrible. Nausea and self hate all mixed into one and I've made myself sick a few times. I've lost 9lbs in two-ish weeks so I feel a strange desperation to keep going. I am overweight and ugly, if I was good enough none of this would have happened. I know I sound very sorry for myself but it's not that. How can I expect someone to be loyal when I am so off-putting? I'd tell him not to touch my fat bits and I'd pull away sometimes if he touched me just out of embarrassment. I can't describe what that constant feeling of embarrassment and self-loathing and anxiety have done to me mentally. I'm not in a good place with myself.

There are times when I can't help but imagine them together and sometimes it makes me angry but mostly just breaks my heart all over again. OW has blocked him and won't discuss anything about baby etc. That makes everything worse. He tore us apart for absolutely nothing. I've even supported him through all this. He's in a bad place himself and was an urgent case for mental health crisis team. I'm terrified he will hurt himself and I'll loose him so I really can't cut contact. I need to know he's ok.

We have things booked with my family and I'm devastated that he won't come. He sees it as playing happy families and got angry when I pointed out that he had been doing that for long enough when he was lying to me. Everyone is asking how he is a lot since they've not seen him. I hate lying and making up excuses but I just need a little more time before I tell everyone. I don't know what to say that will be convincing. I'm sure everyone thinks we were very happy so it will be a shock.

I know you'll advise against this but we have plans to meet for a coffee tomorrow. I'm still too hurt to have a clear idea of my feelings for him but just now it feels like I still love him but I'm not in love as such. The person I was deeply in love with doesn't actually exist and is gone. I still feel grief about that.

I'm still very mixed up and don't know how to move on from this.

I've just told my sister that we have broken up and aren't getting back together. She was fine but I don't know if that's how she really feels. She's a young teenager so I didn't tell her any details. But everyone will know there's more to it.
I can't have this conversation over and over. I couldn't think what to say. There's always something else difficult coming up

is he wondering about you? You’re thinking of him and what he’s dealing with but I suspect he is too ie only thinking of himself.. dont mean to be hard but you sound so caring and he doesnt deserve it. what do you hope for when you meet him for a coffee ?
Try eating a little - yogurts and smoothies - you need to keep strength up

Thank you for coming back @Lozzerbmc

Seeing him, I do think it's hit home what he's lost. He's been upfront about the fact that this was all his mistake. I am willing to accept that he was not in a good place when all this started and that he's deeply regretful. That's not to say I have forgiven or forgotten at all (and am honest about the fact that I won't for a very very long time). I know things will never be the same, even if we manage to remain friends.

I do get a lot out him being in my life and I believe he feels the same way. I know it all sounds pathetic, but we did have some very good times. There isn't another person in the world who knows me like he does and I'd like to at least try not to lose that. I think losing the relationship and the friendship all at once might be a bit too much to handle. I am trying to come to terms with being alone now and I'm just finding it so lonely. I think that's why I've craved the familiar. I am very lonely.

Meeting up was actually good (for me in a very selfish way). I was able to calmly explain exactly how he's made me feel and the effect this has had on me. I think he needed to hear it and enough time has passed that I was able to communicate better than when I found out. He also took total responsibility which has given me some closure. I do feel better that I've had my say and I can go forward without regretting the things I never made clear. Obviously a lot of feelings came back that I naively wasn't prepared for but I think I'm able to put that aside.

I'm starting to see 'healing' for the process that it is, I think. I need to accept that this will change me forever. Dramatic, I know. But I don't think I'll ever trust so blindly ever again. I still can't imagine being with anyone else right now but, should the time ever come, I don't think I'll bond with someone that way again.

Sorry for the rambling, I'm just feeling a bit sad tonight. Telling people makes it all feel real (and very fresh again)

Hi OP, I've had a couple of pints but did he really show you semi-naked pics of her? That is abnormal, thoughtless cruelty. He's not thinking of your feelings at all, only his own.

';Even now, I care about him more than me.'

Well, don't- you've known yourself for decades longer, and how you feel is far more important to your quality of life.

''I can't be kind to myself at the expense of someone else.'

-You wouldn't be being- he's proven he cares about you far less than you do him, so your feelings and actions will have far less of an effect on him as you imagine/hoped.

You're not and shouldn't be an unpaid psychiatric nurse- if he has issues he needs professional help. His clinical issues are not your responsibility. if he goes on about them, tell him to speak to his GP/consultant etc. If he goes on about anything more serious, just call an ambulance. Not your responsibility, especially after how he's acted. This is also the best approach you can take for his health.

He doesn't deserve your emotional energy and labour. He's done the opposite of earn it- he's forfeited it.

Hello all, OP here but name changed as can't access my original account.

It's been a while but I wanted to pop back and thank you all for your words all those months ago.

I've not seen ex in months (and hadn't spoken to him since before Christmas). Day before yesterday, who appears again!? I had deleted his number so I wasn't tempted to message but he must have kept mine.

We had a very brief conversation...covid induced I assume, as he's quite poorly with it and wanted to check in on me (??!!!).

I didn't save his number and deleted the conversation. I will be polite and courteous but I'm not interested in rekindling any sort of friendship.

I have no idea if OW has given birth yet and I don't want to know (mostly to stop myself from mulling over what was happening around the time she got pregnant.

I've deleted all pictures of him and our entire chat history (tens of thousands of messages!)

I'm feeling so much better. You were all right. He is unworthy of the time and energy it took to put up with everything over the years.

I've been reading why does he do that and sadly come to the stark realisation that I lived in an abusive relationship for a long time. Obviously not anywhere near the abuse many many women suffer but I'm much more aware of how skewed my boundaries were at the time. I had been completely broken down and put back together in the way he wanted.

I am two stone lighter, working out where my health allows and even dabbling in online dating! Seen a man a few times (completely lovely) but not had that conversation about my ex yet. That'll come eventually but for now, I'm enjoying having a little bubble where he doesn't exist. I've bought a house on my own and LOVE living alone.

I've also since told some friends why we broke up, they're all horrified and angry on my behalf (amazing women btw).

I don't recognise the woman who wrote those posts last year but I'm very happy with my life now (aside from the current shitshow that is Covid of course).

You might not see this, but if you do, know your words still help and encourage me to this day.

I'm very well rid!

Fuck OP..... I'm so so sorry

Thank you for the flowers @BumbleBeee69

Fortunately I'm much better now but really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment

So glsd to read your update, yes definitely a different woman yo the one who originally posted, well done!!

Here's to a nobhead free future for you x

Thank you @baileys6904

It's not been without some really hard and shitty times! But I'm grateful to be stronger because of it x

Great to see your update and how happy you now are OP!

I've just read the whole thread and am so glad you have a different mindset now.

He wasn't worth your tears and you'll have a better future without him. Your new found confidence is brilliant.

This update is wonderful news OP, you sound like a different person almost. Well done you- very strong!
Keep going x
Also very telling that when the coronavirus hits the fan, it's not his (presumably?) current partner that he's thinking of, it's you... What a position of power you are now in.

I remember your original thread. So glad to hear you’re doing so much better. He never did deserve you. You’re well rid and now you can go forward, happily, in your life. Best of lick

OP you must be so proud of yourself well done. The rational head vs pulling heart strings fight really came over in your initial posts. I’m so pleased that you’ve been able to move on and heal thank you for sharing it with us

Thanks for the update OP - so many times I'd wish op would do this

absolutely great to read op and well done!

all the very best for your future xx

I've just read the whole thread,with tears in my eyes and thinking you were going to do something stupid to yourself cos you were so so low, then reading your update put a big smile on my face,well done you. Wish op would do what you just done, so we can show people that you do end up coming out of the dark hole. Well done 👏👏👏👏and I wish you ever bit of happiness in your life ❤️💗

Well done! Keep going strong!

Wow OP that's an amazing update and this thread should be linked to every woman who's had their entire world disrupted and rebuilt to meet the needs of a selfish and abusive man. How telling that even now he pretended he was concerned about your welfare when he was really looking for sympathy himself. You've shown amazing resilience to get out from under all that manipulation. So heartening to read.

I didn’t see your thread when you originally posted, but I just wanted to say very well done. You’ve shown how strong and independent women can be. Keep doing what you’re doing Op.

What an amazing update. Onwards and upwards op. You're an inspiration!

Great update OP.
You say I don't recognise the woman who wrote those posts last year
We can all relate to this.
He absolute pain, grief, devastation and hopelessness that follows on from these revelations is unbearable at the time.
But we do get through it. Just as you have.
Well done on moving forward with your life.
You must be so so proud of yourself.
Well done - and KOKO!!!

Well done OP this is an amazing update.
So sorry for the pain you went through