DH blames me for unplanned pregnancy

[El00R]

I've name changed for this. I very recently found out that I am pregnant, despite being on the pill, it came as a huge shock but honestly I am quite happy. This is my 4th pregnancy and whilst TTC DC3 we agreed that she would probably be our last. I was happy with untill around the time of her 1st birthday (she's now 2 years and 3 months old), I started contemplating the idea of having a 4th. It didn't seem ideal, we didn't have the space or really have the money to move to a bigger house but I felt sad knowing I may never have another child, I spoke to DH about how I felt and whilst he said he was happy with 3 he would most likely be open to having another in the future if the right time comes. Now that I've found out I'm pregnant he's convinced I purposely tried to get pregnant, this has really upset me, yes I wanted another child one day but I would never go behind his back like that. He's angry at me for even being slightly happy about it, I'm hardly over the moon, it's not ideal at this moment in time but there might have never be a "right moment" in the future

To be honest, I too would be wondering if you are being honest. The chances of a pregnancy when taking the pill on time every day is so low. Yet these accidents always seem to happen to women who actually do want to fall pregnant.

Of course, everything is possible, but I understand he would have his own doubts considering the odds. Hopefully you can move forward and he will soon forget that it isn't what he wanted now.

Tbh the way you've written your post sorts says to me there might be some truth in what he's saying. Sorry man.

I can see why it might seem that way but honestly I'd been taking pill as I usually do, nothing had changed. Whilst having another is something I've thought about over the past year and a bit it's not something we speak about that often and hasn't really been in my mind lately. I deffiently wouldn't try to get pregnant when it's not something my husband wants at the time

Sorry I'm with pp wondering if your DH might just be right - were you subconsciously sloppy with your birth control hoping that a fait accompli would bring the result you want?

Oops cross post !

It’s rare to fall pregnant if you take the pill properly. I’d be wondering the same

No contraception is 100% effective.
A tummy upset, or medication can interfere with the pill.
Some people are extremely fertile.
It isn't fair to assume OP has deliberately been careless.
OP I have had accidental pregnancies while being very careful with contraception. It happens.

How many years have you been taking the pill and it’s worked fine? It’s obviously going to be suspicious if you suddenly fell pregnant on a contraception that’s always worked for you when you’ve suddenly decided you wanted another one. Your oh presumably knows you better than anyone but he doesn’t believe you. I’m not sure what to even suggest. If you can’t convince him you’re telling the truth it may eat away at him. What happens after you have this one? He may be worrying about a 5th if you change your mind again

@swingofthings

I got pregnant on the pill.

As did my boss when I told her I was pregnant.

I was taking another medication which causes birth defects.

I put an alarm on my phone telling me to take the pill. I even carried them in my handbag in case I was out of the house when I needed to take them.

Did I get pregnant on purpose too?

That’s a ridiculous thing to say.

Tbh I understand his thinking.

It's quite amazing how many women get pregnant after wanting another and their partner not being so keen.

But I understand why its upset you too.

You just need to talk it our and see where you got from here.

OP poor you. If your H was completely set on no more children he should bloody well take charge of his own fertility and use condoms or get the snip or not have PIV sex. He’s had three dc he knows what causes it.

He’s being an idiot if he hates the idea of more dc that much he should have taken steps himself to ensure there was no chance of an accident.

Accidents do happen on the pill, you’re lucky you both had agreed that another in the future would be OK.

You need to sit dow both calmly and discuss the pregnancy and he needs to trust you and moving forward you both need to agree on doubling up on birth control if another baby would be a disaster for you. Your H needs to also take steps to ensure he’s not going to accidentally get you pregnant again.

Yeah I don’t think it’s true that accidents happen to women who want to get pregnant. What is probably true is that women who fall pregnant on the pill and terminate are less likely to discuss it and women who decide to continue the pregnancy aren’t likely to tell everyone they didn’t want their coming child.

Unless you have a history of lying to your partner or manipulating him then you deserve to be shown respect by him believing you.

Accidents happen all the time.

www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html

But you are having two separate issues. Him thinking you're lying, and you being happy for something he sees as bad. The first one should be easy to deal with in a good marriage. The second is emotional and difficult.

That article clearly includes misuse.

Most people will get pregnant in 8 years if they misuse contraception.

Sorry op, not saying you did misuse it.

Talking about the article.

I have to agree with your husband. Way too many women get pregnant by 'accident' total rubbish.

I believe you.
He should be angry with himself not you. If he wasn't keen to have another he should have used condoms or had the snip. He is projecting the blame to make himself feel better. Maybe he will stop this when he is over the initial shock.

This article is not scientific. Think of it, how can any researcher can be 100% sure the pregnancy resulted from a genuine failure They can't, they can only go by what the users are reporting, and that will include people who lie, and I would know because I'm one of them, thankfully a very happy one for everyone.

The issue here is that op's partner doesn't believe her, true or not, and that as it stands, he is not happy about it, so what can be done to help him to grow to feel happy about it too and trust op again.

OP I got pregnant on the pill, it does happen. It’s not 100% effective even when taken correctly (lets also remember people get sick (D or V over 24 hours), take St. John’s wart, some antibiotics etc that can lessen effectiveness too). If your DH 100% didn’t want anymore children then he either need a vasectomy, also wore condoms as well as you on the pill, or abstained. You both had sex, you’re both responsible for getting pregnant.

When my DH and I decided no more children (well I was initially still on the fence/ open to the idea in the future kind of way), he started talking about vasectomy as he didn’t want more children due to space, money, lifestyle - we have three children. We believe in private education and sent our children to university too so he was thinking long term reality. After discussion, he had the snip.

If your DH truly does not want any more children, he can take on responsibility of birth control that has a higher success rate. Advise him to get a vasectomy. He should do it now while you’re pregnant.

By the way, our youngest surprise baby (before the snip) just left for uni. My husband is counting down the days until retirement (5 years from now). In reality, now we are the age we are, having young ones around would have been hard. So I’m glad we stopped when we did, stopped at the age we were.

If your husband truly did not want more, he needed to discuss and take steps to prevent pregnancy. He didn’t. Took two to tango. You’re pregnant now, you’re married, he shouldn’t blame you, cause you stress etc. Both need to accept and carry on. Best of luck to you op

No contraceptive is a 100% effective.

Your DH could have used a condom even if you are on the pill if he didn't want another child.

He choose to leave the contraceptive choice to you, and unfortunately it failed.

I fell pregnant with my first DD after being on the pill for 4 years. We had just
Moved in together and definitely didn't get myself pregnant on purpose!! I also fell pregnant with DD3 using condoms which was a massive shock as none split and I did a test after being poorly for 3 weeks!

If your husband was adamant he didn't want anymore children he shouldn't have just relied on your pill, my hubby didn't want anymore children so had the snip- we agreed to stop at two and ended up with three and I was told after DD3 we shouldn't have anymore as I nearly died having her. (Although we now have a DD4 who we've adopted😆)

Hope everything works out for you, this might be his way of dealing with the shock of it and hopefully will see sense soon xx

Oh come on, the pill isn’t that ineffective except on MN.

But that aside, here we have someone who talked about potentially wanting another child, whose husband said he wasn’t necessarily closed to the idea at some point in the future but no plans to ttc, and boom, suddenly that person is pregnant. Sorry but I’d also believe that it was deliberate.

And saying that he should have used a condom is ridiculous. They’re married, they’ve used contraception for the duration of their marriage and had children when they were ttc. It’s not necessarily the idea of a baby that the DH is angry about but the fact that he probably feels tricked into having a baby when his wife said that she’d quite like one and then announced her pregnancy.

OP I got pregnant on the pill, it does happen. It’s not 100% effective even when taken correctly (lets also remember people get sick (D or V over 24 hours), take St. John’s wart, some antibiotics etc that can lessen effectiveness too).

Taking other things which lessen the effectiveness, or continuing to have sex without additional contraception after D & V is user error. When taken correctly the combined pill is over 99% effective.

The failure rate of contraceptives claimed by MN users is orders of magnitude greater than in the general population and almost invariably happens to women who wanted a child anyway or who couldn't possibly contemplate a termination even when it's clear that another baby is a terrible idea and will certainly have a negative effect on the children they already have.

Sorry, but it does read like it was deliberate. I get that you are happy but from your husband’d point of view it must suck.

I love that given the choice between 'user error is normal' and 'women are liars who trick men into pregnancy' so many assume the latter. Look at antibiotics. Never underestimate how crap people are at using medication properly.