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Original poster

DH blames me for unplanned pregnancy

70 replies

El00R · 20/09/2019 20:16

I've name changed for this. I very recently found out that I am pregnant, despite being on the pill, it came as a huge shock but honestly I am quite happy. This is my 4th pregnancy and whilst TTC DC3 we agreed that she would probably be our last. I was happy with untill around the time of her 1st birthday (she's now 2 years and 3 months old), I started contemplating the idea of having a 4th. It didn't seem ideal, we didn't have the space or really have the money to move to a bigger house but I felt sad knowing I may never have another child, I spoke to DH about how I felt and whilst he said he was happy with 3 he would most likely be open to having another in the future if the right time comes. Now that I've found out I'm pregnant he's convinced I purposely tried to get pregnant, this has really upset me, yes I wanted another child one day but I would never go behind his back like that. He's angry at me for even being slightly happy about it, I'm hardly over the moon, it's not ideal at this moment in time but there might have never be a "right moment" in the future

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 24/09/2019 01:42

Wow what a nasty little thread.

If DH did not want more children and you did (which incidentally you never tried to hide) why on earth is it her fault?

Did she syringe it in to herself?

It is always the women's fault.

Topseyt · 24/09/2019 02:10

The ideal time for your DH to have the snip is now, while you are pregnant. Mine did it while I was pregnant with DD3.

No contraception is 100%. Why is your DH acting as though he played no part in this?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2019 02:12

It’s rare to fall pregnant if you take the pill properly.

I never missed a pill, always took it at the same time, and wasn't taking any medication that could alter it's effectiveness. Yet I have a 22 year old son nonetheless.

ShutupWesley · 24/09/2019 05:31

If he doesn't want another child then he should have the snip or use condoms. Otherwise he isn't entitled to an opinion on your reproductive choices

Mermaidsinthesand · 24/09/2019 06:42

Those of you saying he should of got the snip or used condoms otherwise he shouldn't moan give your head a wobble he was sleeping with his wife who he trusted at that point.

No method of contraception is 100% the issue here is OP is an unwanted pregnancy on his side you need to both talk to find out where you go from here, also consider the other children's needs

Ilovefishcakes201 · 24/09/2019 07:39

If 1/10000 can fall pregnant on the pill then you can’t really blame couples for choosing that as a method of contraception.
Even though we’re in 2019, there is still no technology for the male pill.

I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but looking at the statistics, I too would be a bit dubious for that 1 in 10000 person to also happens to be the same person that wanted to fall pregnant.

ShatnersWig · 24/09/2019 08:21

Notverygrownup

Is it really claimed to be 99.9% effective? If so, with 4 million women taking it in the UK, that would mean 4,000 pregnancies to women on the pill each year. Anecdotal evidence on MN in how many women have become pregnant on the pill would indicate either its effectiveness is less than 99.9% or a lot of people who insist they were using it correctly were not (whether accidentally, forgetting that stomach upset, or, occasionally, deliberate).

Either way, I think the majority verdict is he is being unreasonable but we can see why he might think that. End of the day, he knew the risks and chose to put his trust in one method of contraception.

30to50FeralHogs · 24/09/2019 09:01

Quick google and this came up. Stats cite perfect use and also imperfect, the way most people would use these methods, allowing for human error etc

30to50FeralHogs · 24/09/2019 09:05

Given that with perfect use withdrawal has only a 4% pregnancy rate (and is generally said NOT to be a method of contraception on here, due to its fallibility) and the pill is 7% when taken typically (imperfectly) I don’t think it’s surprising that some women who actually don’t mind getting pregnant, get pregnant on the pill.

TinyTinathy · 24/09/2019 09:31

In a couple who have agreed not to have more kids and are using contraception to actively not have them, it's reasonable to assume that in the case of an "accident" there would be some sort of termination procedure.

Can you really not imagine what it brings into a relationship of the husband says "I'm also going to wear a condom, whilst you're presumably on the pill precisely so we don't have to use them, because I don't trust you to use your near perfect contraception correctly or not to deliberately skip a few pills".

I can see it from his perspective too. "I'm taking this contraception that works near perfectly and it just happened to fail. I also want more kids and don't really want to terminate this child we agreed we're not ready for, but how dare you have any suspicion that it may have been planned?"

Dljlr · 24/09/2019 09:37

I got pregnant on the pill AND we were using condoms. I'd be so hurt to be accused of something like this. He needs to pull himself together and support you. If he didn't want to risk a pregnancy he should have got the snip.

DoctorAllcome · 24/09/2019 09:46

Similarly shocked at the nastiness blaming the OP.
Getting pregnant on the pill is like being in a plane crash....doesn’t happen often but happens enough that we should all accept that it is a real risk that can occur.

I think it’s more a trust issue for you OP. Have you betrayed his trust in the past in other matters? Or does he have trust issues in general? You need to figure out why he is not trusting you that this is an accidental pregnancy.

ThirstyGhost · 24/09/2019 10:58

Do you think he'll come round OP? I mean of course it's a shock for you both, but is his attitude showing signs of softening at all? I'd be so upset about being accused of lying here, because he's showing that he doesn't trust you basically. Congratulations on your pregnancy though - good that you know you're happy about it at least.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/09/2019 14:57

That would be an absolute no. A couple doesn't decide to have an abortion, a woman does.

And in my case a couple didn't agree not to have more kids. DH decided he din't want more kids, I did want more kids. I believe that in our situation his want trumps mine. But I certainly wouldn't have been having an unwanted abortion if I fell pregnant accidentally.

TinyTinathy · 24/09/2019 16:32

@MrsTerryPratchett

I was trying to put myself in the shoes of the husband. Obviously the choice is ultimately the woman's but having a child that the husband doesn't want is going to cause a lot of predictable friction.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/09/2019 16:40

That's the difference in positions. I don't believe it's ultimately the woman's choice. I believe it is in every way the woman's choice. No man should ever have any expectation, no matter how small, that he gets a say over a woman's right to choose.

What he does get a say in is his body. And what he does with it. Having PIV sex taking no precautions of his own with is his choice. Can't complain now.

AllFourOfThem · 24/09/2019 16:49

I’d be concerned about my relationship continuing and being a single parent of four if going ahead with the pregnancy. After all, he thinks the OP is a liar who has deceived him which is an understandable reason to leave someone. Whereas the OP must be thinking what kind of relationship does she have if her DH doesn’t trust her.

TinyTinathy · 26/09/2019 09:06

@MrsTerryPratchett
I say ultimately, because her husbands decision in regards to how big a part he wants to be of her life or the proposed child's life, going forward SHOULD have a material impact. A child isn't raised in a vacuum and she probably has no expectation of that being the case.

Imagine a scenario in which the prospective father said "It's your choice, so I'm not going to provide any input in regards to my thoughts and feelings. You can just make your decision and see how I react when you're done". I don't see that going well at all.

But yes, the ultimate decision of whether to bring the child to term or not, is her own.

Original poster

El00R · 04/10/2019 20:58

Sorry I'm replying so late, I haven't checked mumsnet in a while. We've sat down and fully talked through the situation and things have improved a lot since then

OP posts:

Countryescape · 04/10/2019 21:34

Yeah I’m on the fence. A friend of mine “accidentally “ got pregnant with her 3rd child. She told me it was a shock because “they were using contraception”. But I’m fact when I pressed her further she admitted they weren’t using condoms consistently and she’d stopped taking her pill regularly. Laughable really her saying it was a shock! Her husband was really annoyed.

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