DH blames me for unplanned pregnancy

[El00R]

I've name changed for this. I very recently found out that I am pregnant, despite being on the pill, it came as a huge shock but honestly I am quite happy. This is my 4th pregnancy and whilst TTC DC3 we agreed that she would probably be our last. I was happy with untill around the time of her 1st birthday (she's now 2 years and 3 months old), I started contemplating the idea of having a 4th. It didn't seem ideal, we didn't have the space or really have the money to move to a bigger house but I felt sad knowing I may never have another child, I spoke to DH about how I felt and whilst he said he was happy with 3 he would most likely be open to having another in the future if the right time comes. Now that I've found out I'm pregnant he's convinced I purposely tried to get pregnant, this has really upset me, yes I wanted another child one day but I would never go behind his back like that. He's angry at me for even being slightly happy about it, I'm hardly over the moon, it's not ideal at this moment in time but there might have never be a "right moment" in the future

If your H was completely set on no more children he should bloody well take charge of his own fertility and use condoms or get the snip or not have PIV sex

This is a very odd thing to write, usually in married couples one person takes responsibility as agreed by both, because they trust each other.

I also read your post op and wondered if there was a chance you'd done it on purpose, forgot your pill here and there, in an attempt to get pregnant. So I also see where your husband is coming from.

I get where he’s coming from, he still should’ve been using condoms etc doubling up if he 100% didn’t want another now. I’ll never understand why men leave it completely to women with something that can’t been seen to be working and can be made ineffective by a bad curry.

Ds was a pill baby, been on the same one for 9years and 7 months then the chemist switched it for a different brand that was “the same”.. apparently my body disagreed. Taken at the same time every day, reminder on my phone, spare strip kept in my purse incase I stayed out etc and by the time I had a “stomach bug” it was hg starting. The only change at all was taking a short course of steroids (but I’d already have been 5 weeks). It happens, not often without user error but I remember constantly having to ask “will this affect contraception” anytime I got a prescription as my gp was crap.. same with researching herbal stuff too, I still blame those “floral” pastels.

It's just a bit convenient, isn't it? It reminds me of when a bunch of girls at school fell pregnant at the same time/within months of each other. All insisted that it was a contraception failure.

I too would be suspicious if I were him, but I suppose you both have to just move forward and make it work, don't you?

I'm really surprised at the lack of support you're getting OP.

You're a fertile woman, having sex with a fertile man, using a contraceptive that isn't 100% effective.

If your DH was so certain he didnt want a baby, why didn't he get the snip, wear a condom or withdraw?

He fertilised your eggs. Had he not come inside you, this wouldn't have happened.

Surely any person who truly believes their spouse has lied to them about something so important would want a divorce?

I'd move out for a while if I were you. Let him take care of the house, kids and his job while you decide if you want to live with someone who would call you a liar.

I agree with everything @Hooferdoofer37 said. Why in 2019 is contraception still solely seen as a woman's responsibility

Well it's all very convenient isn't it? Contraception is rough on your body, you have to remember it, waste your time at the GP, put up with side effects. And then if it fails or you aren't 100% on it at all times, you're a lying scheming bitch.

Thank goodness my DH is a grown up and had the snip when HE was the one who didn't want more.

I have to agree with your husband. Way too many women get pregnant by 'accident' total rubbish

Way too many men think saying “I don’t want kids” is the only contraception they need to use, then cry about being tricked when the woman gets pregnant.

This man ejaculated into a woman he knew would be ok with having another child, but only she is to blame?! Why didn’t he get the snip if he was so against more children?

I fell pregnant on the patch and the injection and I'm currently watching them both play. So far the implant hasn't failed me as of yet (touch wood) accidents do happen

I cannot believe the lack of support you are getting on here! Except @Hooferdoofer37 et al.

If you forced him to put his penis in your vagina and come then YABU.
If not YANBU.

Unless he has other reasons not to trust you he's treating you very poorly.

Well n o ne can know fro certain (except op) whether it was accidental or deliberate or maybe hopeful carelessness. I think if she says it was an accident then her husband should accept that.

But ultimately you are pregnant now and he needs to decide on his attitude. At one point he said he was happy to have another child at some time. OK the time was not now, but what is done is done. Does he want you to have an abortion ? Is he planning to 'not allow you to be happy' for the whole pregnancy and presumably on until the birth of the child ? Is he saying he will not love and be joyful over the birth of his child just because the timing is wrong?

He has to decide how he is going to behave and let you know so that you can make your choices, regarding whether you want your child to have a reluctant father.

In a loving honest marriage he should accept that this is an unplanned pregnancy but now it has happened you are happy about it and he is also responsible for that pregnancy - as a PP said if he was so dead set againts having a child, he should have taken steps himself to make sure a pregnancy was impossible.

Oh come on, the pill isn’t that ineffective except on MN.

I got pregnant on the pill, miscarried and got sceptic.

Nice to know everyone assumes it was on purpose and my fault.

Wow the amount of bitches on this thread is unreal

A fertile couple have sex, she falls pregnant and automatically she gets the blame and is accused of doing it on purpose ? I’m sorry what year are we in?

Are you all the same hypocrites that usually write “men need to take charge of their own contraception if they don’t want a baby!” because yes whilst that is correct, remember it also applies here in these circumstances too!

OP sorry you haven’t received enough support

I’d be telling your husband under no circumstances did you purposely fall pregnant and it’s not for you to spend time proving so (you can’t anyway)
If you’re happy about this baby then shout it to the world! If he was truly against another baby then he would’ve used condoms or had the snip - maybe he needs reminding of this? Or is he another man that automatically assumes contraception responsibility lies with the woman

Look at it from his point of view. You both agreed no more children but then you made it clear you did and suddenly you’re pregnant. You’re happy he’s not and the issues re space, money etc are all there. Surely you can see why he might feel the way he does?

Cant believe the tough time you are having OP. All of the literature says that the pill is around 99.9% and reliable when taken properly. Even if it is 99.99% that is still 1/10,000 women will get pregnant whilst taking the pill properly. With nearly 4 million women on the pill in the UK that's a lot of unexpected pregancies each year - and that is before antibiotics, upset stomachs etc.

When I didn't want to get pregnant we always doubled up on contraception. Nothing is 100% reliable - your dh could have read up on this too if it really mattered to him.

Look at it from his point of view.

OK let's do that. I'm someone who hasn't had to take responsibility for contraception. But I don't want any more children. My wife does.

Do I:

A) leave contraception entirely in her hands and then blame her when it goes wrong
B) get the snip, it's only fair as I'm the one who doesn't want any more
C) suit up just in case I change my mind?

Who on earth would choose A? A lazy idiot I suppose.

I've had pregnancies due to failed contraception. I can say honestly I can't think of any reason why it would have failed.
I've had multiple pregnancies due to many losses and every pregnancy I planned happened within 1-2months of trying except the two that happened before I was ready.

OP you will need to discuss with your husband and hopefully he will believe you. There is no shame in not being devastated over a unplanned pregnancy and admitting that doesn't make it sound like you planned it at all.
When is happened to me having babies wasn't on my radar and I did shit myself but I never once felt like the pregnancy was a bad thing and was quickly happy to be pregnant for the short while that I was.

Taking responsibility of your own contraceptive choices is not odd at all.

If you really don’t want any more dc in a long term relationship, I’d expect both partners to ensure they’re using contraceptives.

Because accidents do happen. A friend got pregnant whilst she had the copper coil in. Another person I know fell pregnant whilst on the pill and had an abortion, she really really did not want to get pregnant at that stage in her life.

If one partner is adamant they don’t want another child I’d expect them to take extra precaution to ensure they don’t end up with an unexpected pregnancy.

Two months ago I fell pregnant on the mini pill. Never thought it could happen as I was taking it 100% correctly and nothing else to make it less effective. I'm 39 in a few months as well so not young in terms of fertility. It was a complete shock but we got to accept the idea of having a baby.

Sadly I lost the pregnancy early on. GP said it is important to remember no method of contraception is ever 100% effective. He also advised, after I mentioned we might want to actively try in the future, not to leave it much longer because of my age.

I came off the pill and started trying last month (the first cycle after my mc). Today I got my BFP!!

So yes, falling pregnant on the pill (even if taken correctly) can happen.

The chances of a pregnancy when taking the pill on time every day is so low. Yet these accidents always seem to happen to women who actually do want to fall pregnant

Agreed! I’ve managed to go 15 years without getting pregnant once. Not so much as a scare! Four kids is a lot in this day and age! OPs DH needs to get a vasectomy!

I think what a lot of people are saying is not that that they believe that the OP got pregnant deliberately but that the OP can't blame her DH for doubting her.

If I was you OP I would sit DH down and explain things to him calmly. Say that you understand that he had a moment of doubt but I'm here now telling you truhfully, this was an accident. If you think that I would deliberately go behind your back like this then we have to consider the future of our marriage...

Does your H understand how babies are made? Perhaps you could buy him a little book?!

Everyone knows that contraception isn’t 100% effective and that to be safe you should use 2 methods. He obviously doesn’t want to be responsible for any contraception so he has to take the consequences. If he doesn’t want a 5th he’ll have to get the snip or abstain from PIV, at least most of the time.

I think maybe these accidents seem to happen to women who want to be pregnant because the women who don't want to be pregnant this happens to abort and don't talk about it too much.

This thread is exactly why I asked DH to take over contraception when I said I would like another child, and he wasn't sure.

It is so easy to point the finger at the mother and say 'you did this on purpose'. What a genuine waste of time and energy. It can never be proven what a person's private intentions where, so unless he wants to let it fester away and ruin your relationship, then negative and unhelpful thoughts need to be put to one side.

OP, hope that you are ok, and congratulations.

I have four DC, it's a little tight but we are all very happy. (And I was sterilized to ensure that there was no DC5 )

I got pregnant on the pill.

Youngest was 7, it wasn’t good timing but dh’s concern was how I was.
I would have been very pissed off if I was accused of foul play.
Tell dh you need him to cop on and step up instead of becoming Jessica Fletcher!

I know people who became pg while taking the depo and while on the coil . No one accused them of doing it on purpose

He should have used a condom for extra protection if he wasn't sure about having another child