How do I play this when we have a 'chat' tomorrow

[WonkyCatissad218]

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months. I'm 50 and he's 53. He's been divorced twice and I'm divorced. He's also had one 7 year relationship and I was single for 10 years before I met him.

We very rarely fall out and we get on really well. He's funny, generous, great around the house (we don't live together) can cook and my DD adores him.

I had an opinion about something and he didn't like it. It was so trivial that I'm astounded how he's reacted. He wants to leave a well paid job (he's a self employed contractor) because he didn't like the boss asking him to do something. I asked him over the phone to think carefully about it and this is what he didn't like.

I asked him to talk about it and he came round. I tried to discuss things and he refused to discuss anything, he got up walked out and went home.

This morning he dumped me by text! He's completely gaslighted me and turned it all round to be my fault. He's said I'm like his last partner and he's not putting up with any shit as he did for years before with her. All over this one comment.

This is the second time he's done this and last time he agreed he'd been hasty and wrong. I told him then there wouldn't be a second time and here we are again. We've gone a whole year without a crossed word and this is so extreme.

He's now trying to backtrack and sending texts saying he wants to talk. I've been in work so ignored them, but I do want to talk with him and I don't want to split up as I do love him.

He's not from the UK and in his culture women do as they are told. I've told him I'll always have opinions and as adults we should be able to discuss them.

He said his last partner was just interested in his money, but I'm wondering if she left due to this extreme behaviour. I don't need his money and I don't ask him for anything.

I treat him with respect, love and we normally he on well. I can't live like this so how do handle this tomorrow. I'm now thinking if I stay with him he'll think he can do this every time I do or say something he doesn't like.

Well as you had told him there wouldn't be forgiveness a second time you really have your answer.
Ltb.
And mean it

He will do this again and again .

Leave.

He's prepared to end it whenever you don't agree with him?
The ex is "unreasonable" and acted the same way?
He's already done this once before?

You've got the makings of a banner if red flags just in those point.

You deserve batter than that.

Banner OF red flags. Sorry fat thumbs.

*BETTER than that.

So sorry, on my phone. I promise I can actually type.

He's touchy and has had three failed relationships. Hes not of a culture that respects women greatly. He says he wants to talk but walks away. He doesn't like his boss instructing him.
Looking at all that, he doesn't come across as a team player. Do you want him on your team, scoring the occasional own-goal?

I can't see a way back. I don't do mind games and this would cause me to loose confidence and trust in him.
If he truly loves you he wouldn't finish with you so easily. He also wouldn't treat you as someone who can't have an opinion or say.

Did you last a year with no argument because you meekly toed the line and made sure you didn’t rock the boat?

He’s a fuckwit. Have better self worth and don’t ever let him do this again.

You still want to chat with him?

I told him then there wouldn't be a second time and here we are again

And already you’re considering doing a complete u-turn on your ultimatum? Wow. You didn’t last long.

Ok well it’s just a few short steps from here to keeping your mouth shut, never voicing an opinion that you think he won’t like, and never disagreeing with him, ever.

I'd not even be having a chat with him about it...move on.

When he did it last year I was heartbroken, like a fool I gave in and let him emotionally blackmail me and gaslight me.

I know the answer but DD (12) will be devastated, she's already asked where he is. She hasn't witnessed any of this so is oblivious and he is so so lovely to her.

We don't live together so it's a very easy break, so what's stopping me.

OP - I don't think he's a keeper. However, I would also never ask a partner I'd been in relationship for 18 months to "think carefully" about leaving a job. I just wouldn't.

Not unless we're sharing finances or it had some kind of impact on me. None of my business otherwise.

I only asked him to think carefully because he will get a bad name in his profession. People will get to know he leaves jobs on a shim( he's done it before) and I was concerned he'd struggle to find more work.

He had a blase attitude because he has plenty of money so can afford not to work for a while. I'm a rule follower so struggle with this.

in his culture women do as they are told

That's really the bottom line, isn't it?

If you're not prepared to do that, and he's proved he can't tolerate it if you don't, then no long term relationship between you will work.

Sorry

Children are very resilient, your dd will get used to this idiot not being around.

If he wants to talk make him WAIT until you feel up to talking.

Just remember he has pulled this stunt before so expects you to bow down and take him back.

Personally I would not be able to trust him again not to have another wobble the pathetic man

Your daughter is old enough to understand that you deserve to be treated well and that whilst he and she got on together beautifully, he wasn't as kind to you as he should have been and you're not prepared to be treated poorly. That's a pretty good example to set, even if she's, in the short-term, sad it's ended. Ultimately the only person she wants is you and she wouldn't be happy with an unhappy parent who walks on eggshells to keep Mr Touchy sweet. And if you carry on and all is wonderful and he moves in then pulls the same stunt and dramatically leaves that will really upset your daughter.

I've huge sympathies as I have been in a similar relationship in the past and it absolutely messes with your head because you think, how can I (he!!) throw it all away over something so ridiculous? But it's not about the remark you made, it's his reaction to it, and that's not ridiculous, it's controlling and gas-lighty. I wouldn't even meet with him tomorrow. Just text that it's over. Easier said than done I know. But you do deserve much better than to be dropped and elevated at the whim of an insecure man who really just wants to see what he can get away with.

Personally I wouldn't date someone from a culture where women do as they are told. This issue of you having actual thoughts and opinions yourself will just come up again and again.

He's not a keeper OP. He will do this every single time you raise something he doesn't like. And by taking him back you are really telling him that you love him so much you are prepared for him to treat you like shit.

Thing is, if this is the way he thinks he will never change-it’s how he is. Question is, are you prepared to never question him about anything, ever?

He’s completely gaslighted me and turned it all round to be my fault.

...last year I gave in and let him emotionally blackmail me and gaslight me.

He is a controlling, manipulative abuser. You are not currently together, so leave it that way. If you move your goalposts and take him back, he will stomp them again the next time you have a different opinion.

I would never expose my daughter to someone like this, no matter how lovely he treated her at the moment. (His behavior toward her would likely change in time.) Tell her that he did not treat you well. Show her how to be a woman with self-respect and strong boundaries.

You do not need this.

Your dd will gain massive respect for you....
Ltb.

Oh, tell him to piss off. You told him there wouldn't be a second time, and you should stick to it. There are other men out there who won't give you this grief. 50 is still young (says she from the grand old age of 60!). Life's too short to spend it with unreasonable people :)