How do I play this when we have a 'chat' tomorrow

[WonkyCatissad218]

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months. I'm 50 and he's 53. He's been divorced twice and I'm divorced. He's also had one 7 year relationship and I was single for 10 years before I met him.

We very rarely fall out and we get on really well. He's funny, generous, great around the house (we don't live together) can cook and my DD adores him.

I had an opinion about something and he didn't like it. It was so trivial that I'm astounded how he's reacted. He wants to leave a well paid job (he's a self employed contractor) because he didn't like the boss asking him to do something. I asked him over the phone to think carefully about it and this is what he didn't like.

I asked him to talk about it and he came round. I tried to discuss things and he refused to discuss anything, he got up walked out and went home.

This morning he dumped me by text! He's completely gaslighted me and turned it all round to be my fault. He's said I'm like his last partner and he's not putting up with any shit as he did for years before with her. All over this one comment.

This is the second time he's done this and last time he agreed he'd been hasty and wrong. I told him then there wouldn't be a second time and here we are again. We've gone a whole year without a crossed word and this is so extreme.

He's now trying to backtrack and sending texts saying he wants to talk. I've been in work so ignored them, but I do want to talk with him and I don't want to split up as I do love him.

He's not from the UK and in his culture women do as they are told. I've told him I'll always have opinions and as adults we should be able to discuss them.

He said his last partner was just interested in his money, but I'm wondering if she left due to this extreme behaviour. I don't need his money and I don't ask him for anything.

I treat him with respect, love and we normally he on well. I can't live like this so how do handle this tomorrow. I'm now thinking if I stay with him he'll think he can do this every time I do or say something he doesn't like.

Dljlr sums it up perfectly and gives a really good example of how to explain the situation to your daughter. I truly believe in setting boundaries and sticking to them.

You have been here before and you warned him that you would not accept him treating you like this again and low and behold he has.

I would not give him a chance to do it a third time. Your daughter will accept it given time. Teach her not to accept being treated badly and unfairly by anyone.

The woman - know your place - culture is a dead give away. He’s been socialised into this his entire life and not fought against it. He won’t change now. So know your place and suck it up ( and teach your DD the Same) or move on. I know what I’d do

You know the answer, OP. And you can’t stay in a relationship just because your dd likes him. She will understand if you explain that he wasn’t kind to you, didn’t treat you properly etc. This is an important life lesson for your DD, she needs to know that it’s ok to end a relationship if she’s unhappy!

He sounds woefully immature if he can't see you were trying to protect him from being too hasty in quitting his job.

Lay down the law. I'd act cautious with him and say it shocked you how he dumped you and call his bluff...suggest you have a bit of time apart. It might make him realise you mean business. Don't be so quick to jump at the chance for a chat. Act cool.

I only asked him to think carefully because he will get a bad name in his profession. People will get to know he leaves jobs on a shim( he's done it before) and I was concerned he'd struggle to find more work.

You are right on this too and he should listen to you.

There is a contractor in the profession I work in who is known to be very difficult, opinionated and will bail if they don't get their own way. The work for them is drying up, even though there is a tonne of it out there that pays a hefty day rate.

It's fine for him to be blasé whilst he has a few quid in the bank, but when the work isn't there, we all know what will happen to that.

Don't even have the chat. You gave him an ultimatum, he knew that. If you go back on it he'll know he can keep doing it and doing it.

Yes you love him but how much does he love you?

You need to put your DD first and don't let such an emotional abuser continue to be in her life.

Another one adding to the chorus of don’t go back there. If you do go back, it will happen again but worse next time as your lives sill be more entangled (even if just because you have more shared history) so it will feel more of a wrench to extricate yourself. If you make a clean break now it will be like pulling off a plaster quickly, rather than slowly but by bit.

Don’t bother with the chat, just get rid as you said you would. Show your daughter that women are not to be treated badly.

He won’t change. Stick by your ultimatum!

I would also never ask a partner I'd been in relationship for 18 months to "think carefully" about leaving a job. I just wouldn't.

Why not? If he's a partner presumably you care about him, and if you're worried he's about to do something potentially disastrous, why wouldn't you suggest he thinks about it?

He doesn’t conduct himself in an adult fashion and you are doing the adulting for him. (Trying to get him to think of the consequences of his impulsive behaviours).

He is reacting like a spoilt teen. Once a year now - if you end up living with him it will be once a month then once a week. Your daughter will be in the middle of this. When she starts to become a more independent teen and challenge things as is normal, he will turn it on her.

No - don’t have him back.

He ignored you for a year?!?! Hes done it twice, why put yourself there again? It will happen again and again. Just block him and move on with your life. You deserve better.

Don’t meet up with him: phone call at most to make clear that it’s over due to his behaviour and that you want no further contact.

The negativity about his ex was a red flag. He showed you some unpleasant attitudes and behaviours the last time, and has now done so again. You know it’d be a poor decision to continue the relationship, especially when you have DD to consider.

As Dljlr says, you can explain what happened to your DD and demonstrate good things. Not good that she “adores” someone you’d only been dating for 18 months.

His attitude towards his client is another red flag.

@Beautiful3, he hasn't ignored OP for a year. She said they went a year without an argument.

Hrs a pig. Ditch with all speed.

He will not change. You cannot fix him. I say this with care and the fact I am going through this right now. Same age, similar culture (though he told me when we met it didn't matter) same behaviours. It will get worse and you will lose every sense of who you are. This is narcissistic behaviour and unless he accepts his issues you might as well throw away however many years you try in the relationship like I did. I found out a couple of days ago after eventually being able to talk to one of his relatives, he has done this since he was a child and I would guess you will find the same. I'm sorry to add my voice to the you deserve better comments but you do

I'm thinking you haven't had a cross word because you've been careful not to challenge him, and it's telling that you say "I don't ask him for anything" (even if it was in the context of money).

If you make no demands and don't challenge him, he's happy. If you're a human being with your own opinions and needs, he'll drop you and pick you up again when he thinks he's taught you a lesson.

You need to show your dd you deserve better treatment than this. You need to stick by your ultimatum.

He sounds very hot headed. Someone - his boss, his former wives, you - tells him something he doesn't like and his immediate response is to set fire to the relationship.

It's very easy to say LTB, but honestly I'm not sure I could live like this, worrying about saying the "wrong" thing because he might explode. I also don't think you stay with him just because your DD is close to him. That's not going to last long if he's upsetting Mum for no good reason at all.

Yy, @category12. It’s alarming to me that there ‘hasn’t been a cross word’ for a year’, when I doubt it’s because he temporarily became more tolerant and flexible. You’ve just being toeing the line, OP.

Not a good thing to demo for a 12 year old.

So if you have an opinion he doesn’t like, his reaction is to dump you? No wonder he’s had failed relationships, his ex’s could probably only put up with that so many times before they saw the light. I can’t see why you’d want to date someone from a culture who expects women to be obedient either, that’s almost an excuse for him to control you and your relationship.

Think very hard if this is the type of relationship you want your daughter to normalise and pattern after when she’s an adult.

It’s a perfectly valid comment to make - I’d say it to a friend, let alone a partner.

You told him ‘one chance’ last time, if you let him back this time it’ll be a green light to do this again & again and the issues will get less important all the time until you’re not able to disagree about which film to watch.

You have your own place right now & stability for DD, staying with this bloke would jeopardise that and over time would show her that you do as a man says. Do you really want that for her? Explain the situation to her - yes she might be angry & upset at first, but did you let her eat her body weight in sweets as a toddler because she loved them & it was easier than making her eat carrots? I think not.

For her sake and your sake you need to end this

🌷

Well you’ll have to stay in your meek and obedient female box for the rest of your life if you take him back, if you can live like that go for it.
Sexism and misogyny is a deal breaker for me, but each to their own I suppose!

Please DON'T let having being single for 10 years previously influence your decision.

You sound like a kind and caring person who deserves SO much more than settling for someone who throws it back in her face over nothing.

And by 'deserve so much more' I positively include being single again, with your daughter, integrity and sanity intact!

Sod him and his 'chat' - he can turn on the charm but he's shown you how he really feels about a woman's place in life. Dismissed by bloody text, after 18 months just because you expressed an opinion he didn't like!

Find your anger and stay rid, this one's not equal relationship material; you're culturally incompatible and he's shortchanging you. It can only get worse.

There's a long standing saying on here: "If you want to know what a man's like, say no to him about something."

You didn't even say no, you only asked him to think about an alternative point of view.

He went off the deep end, and not only dumped you but gaslit you over what he'd done.

Even worse, you say this is the second time he's done it. He's training you, OP, like teaching a dog to come to heel. What happened last time? Let me guess - you eventually backed down and apologized even though it was his fault.

The great news is the two of you live separately. Just say "yes, you're right, it's not working." Job done.

(I can see why he's got two failed marriages and a failed LTR behind him, and I'm willing to bet it wasn't the women's fault.)