How do I play this when we have a 'chat' tomorrow

[WonkyCatissad218]

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months. I'm 50 and he's 53. He's been divorced twice and I'm divorced. He's also had one 7 year relationship and I was single for 10 years before I met him.

We very rarely fall out and we get on really well. He's funny, generous, great around the house (we don't live together) can cook and my DD adores him.

I had an opinion about something and he didn't like it. It was so trivial that I'm astounded how he's reacted. He wants to leave a well paid job (he's a self employed contractor) because he didn't like the boss asking him to do something. I asked him over the phone to think carefully about it and this is what he didn't like.

I asked him to talk about it and he came round. I tried to discuss things and he refused to discuss anything, he got up walked out and went home.

This morning he dumped me by text! He's completely gaslighted me and turned it all round to be my fault. He's said I'm like his last partner and he's not putting up with any shit as he did for years before with her. All over this one comment.

This is the second time he's done this and last time he agreed he'd been hasty and wrong. I told him then there wouldn't be a second time and here we are again. We've gone a whole year without a crossed word and this is so extreme.

He's now trying to backtrack and sending texts saying he wants to talk. I've been in work so ignored them, but I do want to talk with him and I don't want to split up as I do love him.

He's not from the UK and in his culture women do as they are told. I've told him I'll always have opinions and as adults we should be able to discuss them.

He said his last partner was just interested in his money, but I'm wondering if she left due to this extreme behaviour. I don't need his money and I don't ask him for anything.

I treat him with respect, love and we normally he on well. I can't live like this so how do handle this tomorrow. I'm now thinking if I stay with him he'll think he can do this every time I do or say something he doesn't like.

I think you are hoping the responses you get on here would tell you it’s alright to forgive him.
It’s really not.
Let us know how it worked out.

I would want to know what the issue was with his job.
And once I knew the issue I would want to know why he had such an extreme reaction.
Then I would want to discuss the above to see what it stems from - he possibly has issues from past relationships/ childhood/ taking instruction/ etc etc - If you/he could get to the bottom of it it would help you both. Maybe counselling is needed.
His reaction is extreme to his boss and to you - finding out why would be useful. eg was his father a bully and expecte d instant obedience so when requests are phrased a certain way he reverts to stomping off in a huff and that has been triggered here. I am assuming he is an otherwise pleasant person or you wouldn't have been with him this long.

Red flag - run while you can. This man cannot be disagrees with in any part of is life, relationships, work and probably everything in between. You are like his ex because you have the same response as any normal human being but that isn't acceptable to him. Cancel the chat and breathe a sigh of relief, this is the start of the cycle. Not read other posts as am rushing out but I'm
Assuming they all say much the same.

Wow. I agree. You cannot take him back!

He must have a huge ego.

Was it noticeable in other ways that he doesnt value another opinion to bounce off before making s final decision. Mature, sane people value that.

His reaction is the issue here not whatever happened with the job. He thinks its fine to talk to you like that and then be "all god i didnt mean it ffs, cant believe your going to throw all this away cause of that" like a petulant teenager ( projecting moi?)

Its really quite simple. You either want to put up with him leaving you every time you fall out for the sake of not upsetting your dd at moment. She will become aware of this as she gets older. Or you stick to your word and say thanks but no thanks this doesnt work for you.

Did he actually leave the job ?

Re. the suggestion to get counselling. Not appropriate here. It's a relationship of relatively short standing, they don't even live together -thank god - and it's not like it's an out-of-the-blue character change: this is how the man reacts to dissenting opinions, and his reaction is not OP's problem to fix.

As women we are trained from childhood to focus on the pointless and unanswerable question of "why does he behave like that?"

We'd get on much better if we asked the much more straightforward question "Do I want to live with that behaviour?"

Of course this will happen again if you agree to continue the relationship. This is who he is. You need to take off the rose-tinted glasses and mourn the death of the relationship you thought you had, and move on. You aren't in love with him, you love an idealised picture of him that you have developed within your mind who doesn't actually exist. Likewise in his head, his relationship isn't with you, but an edited version of you who always agrees with him and doesn't have her own opinions.

You aren't a real and fully human person to him. You are a defective version of the possession you are supposed to be, because you incorrectly have opinions. Everything is fine except when you are disobedient in this way.

He's 53 years old. Let him make his own decisions.

The irony! That you were advising him not to overreact and to think things over before quitting - so what does he do? Overreacts and quits the relationship without thinking things over. And now it's all your fault? He has a real problem, OP. Stick to your very wise line in the sand and don't have him back again. He'll respect you even less in future. Show your daughter it's good to have standards and not to compromise them for a (twatty) man.

@BarbaraStrozzi is spot on.

As women we are trained from childhood to focus on the pointless and unanswerable question of "why does he behave like that?"

We'd get on much better if we asked the much more straightforward question "Do I want to live with that behaviour?"

If you set a “won’t be a second time” ultimatum, you have to follow it though otherwise this is your life going forward.

A child will get over it and to be honest she shouldn’t be that close to him after 18m.

You need to end this and move on.

OP, he's dumped you (by text!) I'd suggest you stay dumped.

And @BarbaraStrozzi's point is one that should go on a sticky at the top of every post on the Relationships forum, not just for sexual relationships, but for friendships, too.

@WonkyCatissad218

I have a little different take on this.
First of all - when you said you had a difference of opinions on a trivial - I thought it’d be something actually trivial. Say - dinner plans.
Yours weren’t.

He is an adult who has been making professional decisions all his life. On his own.
And the first thought that I had when you mentioned what you said WAS that you sounded financially motivated. Like him not being at a ‘well paid’ job will be an issue for you.
And if this was an issue in his previous relationship - I can see how his may have been triggered by this.

Of course - his reaction is an over reaction. And emotional at that.
However - there is a difference between ‘I am a woman and I have an equal right to opinions’ vs trying to push yourself into decisions that are none of your business.

You don’t live together. You don’t have a joint budget. You aren’t married. I presume you don’t have him approve your budget, etc. And I do think you overstepped the line a bit and don’t seem to understand that. I don’t know his history with his ex - but that is also clearly in the mix somewhere.

Anyway - you do seem like you have some cultural issues there that are impacting the relationship. However - I don’t think this specific issue is about westernised feminist view VS a patriarchal view.
I think - simply - it was about a boundary. His professional life and decisions are his. And you want to influence it. And it can be viewed as having a financial motivation.

What you do with it - is obviously your choice. The ultimatum of - ‘never again or else...’ sounds silly. Especially given that I think you aren’t blameless - in being a bit controlling or insensitive.
Not sure an otherwise good relationship should be thrown out because the two of you can’t figure out your boundaries and communications.

Finally - not all relationships with non/western men have to be about asserting our emancipation. And there are ways to do it without making it confrontational or center of the relationship. Hope you find a balance for that.

OP the best thing he’s done is dump you - so take it and run - he’s a fake he only treats you well when you are behaving like a dog. The minute you do anything he doesn’t like you are out. You need to be a partner not a pet.

Please don't use your daughter as an excuse to stay. If that's what you chose to do, then own it.

Your daughter won't be devastated, if she was, then something would be very wrong indeed. You've only known this bloke eighteen months.

So everything's find when you agree with him but the minute you have a difference of opinion he spits his dummy.
You're just being conditioned into being a doormat.
Leave well alone, you take him back again you'll be back here heartbroken again the next time you voice an alternative viewpoint. You deserve way better than that and you need to be a good role model for your dd.

This is a pivotal moment. As previous posters have said, you don't need a chat, you've already made your position clear a year ago.

Text or call him. "No need to chat, I made it clear the last time. I'm not going to put up with antics like these. If I put forward a reasonable opinion that you just don't agree with, then you throw a tantrum and end the relationship. Sorry, this does not work for me and I'm not going to expose my daughter to this teenage nonsense"

Then just go quiet. You take the power back. Who knows what will happen next but at this moment now, you have to follow through with your last statement and mean it. Otherwise, .... wouldn't you feel like a meek little woman?

Also ...
He seems to be suggesting that because you advised him to think carefully about losing well paid work, you are after his money in the long run? When you say you have never asked for anything.

Honestly, just tell him to fuck off. Or to get lost if you are more polite than me. Who does he think he is? You will feel the immense power and confidence of sticking with your guns and following through.

Good luck

He is NOT a good influence on your dd. You must teach her independence and self worth.