Supporting DP through Divorce

[tellietwotums]

Background, been with DP around 18 months, he has been separated from stbxw coming up to 2 years. As yet neither has started divorce proceedings, however DP wants to get the ball rolling.
Difficulty is where to start as DP works away all week and only back in home town at weekends, so seeking legal advice is difficult.
Currently stbxw is living in joint family home with 2 DC. My DP is paying the full mortgage every month but does not pay cm. We have DC eow and they come to my property.
Filing the papers on 2 year separation is easily enough it's just the financial element he is struggling with. I was hoping mnetters could offer some advice I could pass on to help things.

Stbx works min hours and DC school age so no reason why she can't increase this. However on her current income she can't afford to take over the mortgage alone and buy him out. He can't afford to finance this home and purchase another at the same time.
Stbx believes my DP has to continue to pay mortgage and that she will keep the property. There is not much equity in the house and a court battle would eat this up in fees.

DP doesn't currently live with me, you could say he's no fixed abode as hotel accommodation is provided in the week whilst at work and he stays with me every weekend. My property isn't big enough to house us all permantly (I also have 2 dc) and the only way for us to provide stability for all DC is to move to a bigger property together. Obviously this isn't possible under the current circumstances.
The only way this would be possible is for stbxw and DP to sell family home, split the small amount of equity with a clean break and start again.

However as stbxw can not buy another property in this instance and would have to rent, doesn't want this to happen and will not agree.

Where does be stand legally in this situation?

He could stop paying mortgage but then she would not /could not pay and would fall into arrears and risk losing everything in the property.

I've urged him to go and get a free half hour but time is proving impossible as working from 7am to 6pm and out of town.
DP is self employed so taking time off not an option.

Any advice would be appropriate.

OP, I am sorry you feel it's bitterness as that isn't the case. Something isn't adding up on his finances and as you mention you don't have the full facts, fair enough because you haven't been together that long.

However it is wise for you to take some feedback and be cautious. At best he will be in this situation for some years so if you are happy to have him rent free at weekends then just know that ahead of time. If you feel resentment don't turn it towards the wife as that just leads to unhappiness.

My DP invested a sum as deposit from a property he owned prior to his relationship/marriage and he obviously will lose a substantial amount but would like to minimise his losses as much as possible

What is the “substantial amount” he invested when the joint equity is only £10K.

Seriously OP be careful with this character. He is could be unreliable, insolvent or untruthful - or all 3?

Why did the marriage fail? Can you see that your set up are a very convenient option for him - all take and no give? Be careful.

If faced with a situation you figure out a way to deal with it

Yes, OP, I agree. And that applies to your boyfriend. But your boyfriend has rather landed this on you to deal with.

I mean for goodness sake - he needs to get legal advice. Online, skype, in person, whatever. You could google that in thirty seconds.

And as for you calling posters 'bitter' who are in happier relationships than you are - that's completely uncalled for.

Yes, OP, I agree. And that applies to your boyfriend. But your boyfriend has rather landed this on you to deal with.

I only read your first few posts OP, but it was enough to see that you appear more concerned about sorting this out than he is.

I agree not many solicitors are open on Saturdays, but some are. He is away in hotels most evenings after work, so surely he has plenty of time to find suitable forums for advice.

Finally, regardless of anything else, moving your children in with him permanently should happen because you think it's the right thing for you and them, not because he can't sort his life out otherwise.

Maybe you should have waited until he had sorted his situation out before starting a full relationship with him.

The problem here is that the thinking is skewed to what is best for us as a couple
That won’t be the courts thinking that will be what is best for the Children and how to make sure they are looked after properly
That shifting of the centre changes what is fair and justice a lot

This has deceit written all over it. He obviously doesn't want to get divorced otherwise he'd make time. I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't separated at all.

Mumsnet should be renamed the bitter ex parade!

No wonder you're in the position you're in. What a silly nasty comment; you do realise a significant portion of women on here are attached and have not been divorced or separated.

Incidentally having someone (who's not even divorced) staying with you and having their children stay within a year and a half is fast.

I've known plenty of people who haven't even discovered the worst about new partners until over 18 months. You don't know them well.

You think this level of involvement and investment is perfectly fine within 18 months; many sensible people wouldn't.

And because he was 6 months out of a marriage and is not even divorced you're now stuck in the middle of this mess, trying to sort it when he and his wife are the only ones who should be sorting it.

He moved on too fast, and you got involved in a major way too fast; so it's messy as fk. He also sounds like he's v happy to let others "do" for him and he's found the perfect facilitator/mammy/fixer in you.

Your dictates/assumptions on behalf of his wife and her life/working hours are offensive too - and I find that *as a married woman, not a "bitter ex". Again you wouldn't be trying to dictate what another woman who isn't far the main carer of kids if you weren't up to your neck with him before he's even divorced.

Feel free to kick off more and insult people more who don't subscribe to your "that bitch should just take on more hours and let us (a man you've known for 18 months but is staying at your house with his kids on a regular basis) get the equity out of that house/my poor partner" etc. views.

*another woman does who is, by far, the main carer of the kids

Oh and incidentally Mumsnet posters give the most incredible level of support to women (and sometimes men) every hour of the day .. .

maybe the apparent lack of support should have you questioning your views/approach, instead of slagging it off.

Not that you will of course.

I get that your would like him to recover some equity from the house on which he is currently paying the mortgage. It would be better for you and your DC to have a larger house which could more easily accommodate his DC on their EOW visits

The courts will, as PP have pointed out, prioritise the needs of his DC to be housed and looked after. That may easily mean an order for his EX to remain in the house til the youngest is 18.

It would be wise for you to plan the next few years with him in that expectation. He may well already be doing that, by postponing any legal settlement until his DC are over 18.

The people who are missing out most in this scenario are possibly your DC, whose weekends may well be dominated by him and his DC. How much time do your children spend with just you at the weekend?

For the interim, how about asking him to go back to hosting his DC at his mothers house at lest every over weekend, so that your DC can go back to a better quality of life at the weekend. They lives have been turned upside down once already and they are now being expected to welcome another set of DC to 'camp' in your house at the weekend in order to see their father.

Enjoy your time with your DC while they are still around.

For those questioning the equity, have you not considered that we haven’t been told when the house was bought? Or how big it is or whether they released equity at some point to extend or do other things?

Or whether they stretched to buy a bigger house, (especially if they used a mortgage suitable for self employed where you can “massage” your income)?

It’s not that difficult to get into a low to negative equity situation. He may have had to release money to keep his business afloat - it’s not been the easiest last 10 years for self employed builders (which I’m assuming he is). You’re often only one bad client away from real financial trouble, and the next few months aren’t looking positive given that the construction sector has slowed to the point where it may tip into recession.

Many of you are slinging a lot of shit at the guy when you know next to nothing about him or his circumstances.

You are right he probably did release money for the business

OP you seem to think that he is going to be able to divorce walk away with his business having sold the house and only seeing his kids 2 nights out of 14
Meanwhile the ex having helped him set up the business gets the kids 12 out of 14 (fairly difficult to get a good job) and none of the business she helped him support
It that does happen it’s about as far away from a fair and just decision

I am currently going through a UK divorce and my STBXH and I live abroad. We are using the services of Woolley & Co who specialise in family law and expat divorces. It has not been necessary for us to return to the UK to get advice. They are happy to advise over the phone and by email. I can recommend their services.

The op's entitlement and the speed of their relationship actually makes me wonder if she's the ow, and has fudged the dates re getting involved with him because even she knows it's not a good thing to reveal.

Our house was bought in 2007 and has reduced in value due to the local market. We have never not paid the mortgage, didn't over extend or release any equity, but there is less than £15k in it now. So it can just happen.

I have not yet read all the thread...However as a divorcee I would be very angry that you were taking such an interest in something that is non of your business. This is entirely his issue and my advice is that you leave it for both of them to sort out.

For those questioning the equity, have you not considered that we haven’t been told when the house was bought? Or how big it is or whether they released equity at some point to extend or do other things?

PaterPower I can totally understand this but what doesn’t add up is the OP’s assertion that he invested a lot of his money in the property and stands to lose a “substantial amount of money” - when at the very best is in for £4K from the £10k equity - which the OP has not confirmed is net or gross of estate agent and legal fees to sell.

I wonder if the Mesher Order is already in place or on track?