Supporting DP through Divorce

[tellietwotums]

Background, been with DP around 18 months, he has been separated from stbxw coming up to 2 years. As yet neither has started divorce proceedings, however DP wants to get the ball rolling.
Difficulty is where to start as DP works away all week and only back in home town at weekends, so seeking legal advice is difficult.
Currently stbxw is living in joint family home with 2 DC. My DP is paying the full mortgage every month but does not pay cm. We have DC eow and they come to my property.
Filing the papers on 2 year separation is easily enough it's just the financial element he is struggling with. I was hoping mnetters could offer some advice I could pass on to help things.

Stbx works min hours and DC school age so no reason why she can't increase this. However on her current income she can't afford to take over the mortgage alone and buy him out. He can't afford to finance this home and purchase another at the same time.
Stbx believes my DP has to continue to pay mortgage and that she will keep the property. There is not much equity in the house and a court battle would eat this up in fees.

DP doesn't currently live with me, you could say he's no fixed abode as hotel accommodation is provided in the week whilst at work and he stays with me every weekend. My property isn't big enough to house us all permantly (I also have 2 dc) and the only way for us to provide stability for all DC is to move to a bigger property together. Obviously this isn't possible under the current circumstances.
The only way this would be possible is for stbxw and DP to sell family home, split the small amount of equity with a clean break and start again.

However as stbxw can not buy another property in this instance and would have to rent, doesn't want this to happen and will not agree.

Where does be stand legally in this situation?

He could stop paying mortgage but then she would not /could not pay and would fall into arrears and risk losing everything in the property.

I've urged him to go and get a free half hour but time is proving impossible as working from 7am to 6pm and out of town.
DP is self employed so taking time off not an option.

Any advice would be appropriate.

He might get an early evening appointment which my solicitor would often do as I was working and went through a messy divorce.

What ages are the children?

Thank you kit for your non judgemental advice. So as not to drop feed, if legal fees are brought into the equation it's unlikely there will be anything left for either party. As mentioned it is only a very small amount of equity in the property. (10k)

A free half hour with guidelines or pointers as to where he can find information online is where he is hoping to start the process and then go down the route of a DIY divorce.

Not many places offer free half hour on a Saturday morning. He will lose his investment for sure. Nothing can be done about that, and what he would like to achieve is a clean break where they both have a small sum to help with moving costs/savings for another deposit in the future.

But she will not consider this. If he forces it to court and the house is sold this way, she will leave with no house and no small sum to support moving.

As I said, rock and hard place!

Thank you for all replies. Even the negative ones making out I'm a golddigger pushing for a divorce in order to gain a bigger house! I won't reply any further.

When a man says he “hasn’t got time” to sort out his divorce w very wary indeed.

He needs to sort this out himself, not have you do it for him. Yes, he can get a DIY divorce online but that won't deal with the finances. The ex will most likely be allowed to stay in her current home as she is the children's main carer.

It sounds like you expect an equal split of the equity but I can’t imagine why when she essentially houses and cares for the children. If selling the house puts her in a precarious rental situation it doesn’t sound in the children’s best interest. I appreciate you’ve gone through a separating yourself but one woman’s ability to up her hours and find wrap around care is not the same as another’s. I could easily do this but can also see how it is very difficult for many.

Bizarre statement : he’s self employed so can’t take time off. You probably mean can’t afford to lose a day’s income at the moment. But plenty of suggestions have been made for that, and It isn’t clear why no extra living costs , perhaps a couple of bills etc, and continuing to pay the mortgage he always did while having stepped up at work equates to broke unless he has always been living by the seat of his pants.

Genie thank you. If she is allowed to stay in the house, who will pay the mortgage? As stated she can not afford the payments and he is paying this and some other associated costs. Surely a court can not force him.to continue these payments?

Surely a court can not force him.to continue these payments?

The courts have nothing to do with it. The mortgage has to be paid. Unless your boyfriend wants his credit rating to be completely destroyed he needs to pay the mortgage or sell the house. All of these "he doesn't have time to see a solicitor" excuses are ridiculous. If he wants a divorce he will make the time. To be honest, it's hard to understand why you would want any involvement in this mess.

He needs to stop living in a hotel! That must cost a fortune. Surely far cheaper to rent somewhere??

Aqua this is my point, and the reason for seeking advice, yes the mortgage has to be paid, MY DP can not continue to sustain the payments and have any quality of life as it stands, his STBXW can not afford the mortgage on her own yet will not agree to a sale, or increase her hours at work so she can afford to keep the house on.

Someone further up claimed she will be allowed to stay in the house until the children are 18? If she can't afford to pay for that house, how are they going to stay in it?? ( This is a genuine question, If he agrees she can stay in the house- how will she pay for it? who enforces this?)

I agree that it is a mess, she will not agree to selling, in the hope my DP will keep making the payments and she gets to live rent free.

As the equity is so small, it would be a pointless task battling this out in court and with solicitors (fee's and losing a days work for each appointment), in no time at all the equity would be swallowed up and either party have nothing!

And its my choice to be involved, you cant help who you fall in love with, apart from the messy financial side, all other areas are amicable in their split and our relationship is just fine.

@Cath2907 Hotels are a necessity unfortunately as the work he does moves around from one week to the next. Commuting is not an option as this is often in excess of 200 miles each way.

We have discussed him attempting to get work more locally but this isn't reliable and there would often be weeks where this is no work, and stated previously the maths just do not add up.

Once the financial obligation to this house has gone, this may well be a viable option. But as he cant force a sale his hands are currently tied

She could yes get a mesher order where he pays the mortgage (or pay it together) and then when the youngest reaches 18 the house is sold. Given the lack of equity and her current ability to house the children
adequately she stands a chance of getting it

You do need to look at the fact though that he doesn’t want the status quo to change either. He is paying the mortgage on HIS house. He lives in a hotel during the week and therefore has limited chores to undertake and stays over at yours at weekends EOW with his children. He is just as likely not to want to change this as she is. After all his children are looked after as well

The mesher is likely though to require her to increase her hours so she takes some of the mortgage slack at least

But how did he earn enough before he split with his wife when it doesn’t sound like splitting has any extra bills except the hotel costs associated with choosing to work away ? Which is apparently as you tell it not a choice as he needs the money working away brings in but I cant see why he needed it post split compared to what he earned pre split. His mum wasn’t charging him for sleeping at hers.

Without a lawyer he's fucked. So basically he needs to take the day off or just continue what he's doing. There is no way he can get the house sold or his premarraige investment back without professional help. Everything from length of marraige, age of children, her earning potential will need to be legally considered. Other people's opinions and experiences are not relevant so a lawyer is essential.

Hotels are a ridiculous expense - airb&b, a campervan etc would be cheaper. My husband sleeps on site when he works away to save money. His refusal to change his circumstances is telling. If he wants change he needs to MAKE changes. At the moment your life is the one changing to its detriment.

Why is he staying in hotels, not b&bs. Air or otherwise?

Can he not Skype a local solicitor during lunch hour?

The key point is that the mortgage has to be paid if it’s a joint mortgage regardless of who pays it. If he doesn’t pay he is likely to get defaults against his name and have a bad credit record which could impact on his ability to get another mortgage. If the equity is small, she may take the risk of the court as she has not much to gain but quite a lot to lose. Is the mortgage payment huge?

In relation to income ?

The only fair and sustainable solution is to sell the property and split the very small amount of equity
Your view in what is fair appears biased. I am aware that you fell stbxw could increase her hours but the fact is that right now, she is working part time and may or may not be able to just increase her hours. His DC live with YOU eow? Is that every other week or every other weekEND? If it is every other week and he is away, I don't understand how that works? If it is every other weekEND the. His stbxw is the prime RP and thereby can not just work full time as she will also be juggling childcare, school holidays etc. I think what would be fair would be him walking away from the property investment which as you say is tiny and her taking full responsibility for it.

She can’t though doublesheesh. She can’t afford it and then mortgge company wouldn’t allow it if she can’t prove affordability

He's an adult OP. It's between them, so let them sort it out themselves. If he hadn't met you, he'd still have to sort it himself. If he desperately wanted to find a way out of this, he would've taken steps towards that, but he hasn't.

You need to stand down.

You are aware that your personal experiences are just that - your personal experiences? They're not universal or the measure of what is right, normal or achievable.

It's very weird that you and he are obsessing over recouping his investment but show little concern for the welfare of his children. Scouring the internet for ways to sell their home out from under them is not in any child's best interests. It's pretty sickening.

Interesting you can understand it's not easy for him to just decide to work in a different location, but you cannot understand why the mother of his children may not be able to just up her hours.

If his self employment is so precarious, maybe he should just find an employed position, eh?

I didn't rush into this relationship

I would love to know what you think rushing is if it's not getting into a relationship with someone 6 months after they separated from their spouse, allowing them to shack up with you for free and introducing your children to him and his children after barely any time at all, and then meddling in his divorce and his ex' s life because you disapprove of her not being a clone of you. All within eighteen months.

Sure, no rushing here.

Honestly some of the responses here are ridicules!

First of all for me to stand down, i'd have to stand up! I am NOT trying to lead on this. Me and DP discussed this over the weekend where he explained the financial situation and the difficulty and costs involved with seeking legal advice. At that point I offered to put the feelers out to see if I could dig up any advice or supporting information matching his circumstances and silly me thought mumsnet would be a good place to start.

I do not live with my DP presently and do not know the ins and outs of his financial circumstances. When he tells me the maths don't add up I believe that. What debts bills etc he has in non of my business at this stage in our relationship.

As for him staying in hotels, as explained it's a necessity, were not talking the Ritz here. I'm talking budget acommodation in the capital and the South of England where most of his work currently is.
Air bnb is an option but seems more expensive than a twin in a travel lodge or premier inn. Trust me we've both looked into this.

He is starting divorce proceedings based on 2 year separation but wants to try and DIY a financial settlement alongside that and at the same time.

To those who said I should get out of this mess, really?! I should leave a otherwise happy relationship because he has some baggage that comes with it... Ok! I'll do just that based on your opinions of a relationship you know nothing about.

And he isn't happy about the status quo, hence why this discussion took place in the first place. He feels she has him over a barrel and he doesn't know where to start. As mentioned above, I stupidly assumed mumsnet maybe able to offer some words of advice.

I'm going to leave it there I think... I'll feed back to him that this forum is biased and of no use what so ever. Thankfully I've wikivorce and will signpost him there when he gets home. Maybe he will get some helpful and sensible answers.

He can have a free half hour on the phone op.

This is all a non issue and 100% not your business. Getting involved in his divorce is not a good idea. This includes trying to crowd source legal advice for him. Please stop, you arent helping.

Sounds like you won't be told though. Good luck.

How did they get so little equity and savings given he put money into the property prior to marriage. It seems as if something else happened, such as recent move as house prices have increased.

What would his CMS payments be vs what he pays today? What % of his salary is mortgage? What is the property value?
The reason for asking is that if the entire assets from their relatively long marriage is 10k and she would only get 5k the idea of moving into rented is not going to be possible as it would be tough to move to rent as she would need deposit etc.
If the property has a low value then she maybe able to bridge the gap with CMS, work and any benefits.

I think he needs to get a spreadsheet and knowing the previous house costs work out a solution that is a deal she can take.For example could she get a mortgage with help from her family..would he agree to stay on the mortgage for an agreed time, maybe 5 years?

What are the chances that he will get a good job locally so he can stop paying hotel expenses. This is shere most of his money must be going.

Upshot is if solicitors are out of the equation he has to work it with his wife, which actually is the best way anyway.

For your sake assume this will take years as it is not happening soon.