Supporting DP through Divorce

[tellietwotums]

Background, been with DP around 18 months, he has been separated from stbxw coming up to 2 years. As yet neither has started divorce proceedings, however DP wants to get the ball rolling.
Difficulty is where to start as DP works away all week and only back in home town at weekends, so seeking legal advice is difficult.
Currently stbxw is living in joint family home with 2 DC. My DP is paying the full mortgage every month but does not pay cm. We have DC eow and they come to my property.
Filing the papers on 2 year separation is easily enough it's just the financial element he is struggling with. I was hoping mnetters could offer some advice I could pass on to help things.

Stbx works min hours and DC school age so no reason why she can't increase this. However on her current income she can't afford to take over the mortgage alone and buy him out. He can't afford to finance this home and purchase another at the same time.
Stbx believes my DP has to continue to pay mortgage and that she will keep the property. There is not much equity in the house and a court battle would eat this up in fees.

DP doesn't currently live with me, you could say he's no fixed abode as hotel accommodation is provided in the week whilst at work and he stays with me every weekend. My property isn't big enough to house us all permantly (I also have 2 dc) and the only way for us to provide stability for all DC is to move to a bigger property together. Obviously this isn't possible under the current circumstances.
The only way this would be possible is for stbxw and DP to sell family home, split the small amount of equity with a clean break and start again.

However as stbxw can not buy another property in this instance and would have to rent, doesn't want this to happen and will not agree.

Where does be stand legally in this situation?

He could stop paying mortgage but then she would not /could not pay and would fall into arrears and risk losing everything in the property.

I've urged him to go and get a free half hour but time is proving impossible as working from 7am to 6pm and out of town.
DP is self employed so taking time off not an option.

Any advice would be appropriate.

*I would love to know what you think rushing is if it's not getting into a relationship with someone 6 months after they separated from their spouse, allowing them to shack up with you for free and introducing your children to him and his children after barely any time at all, and then meddling in his divorce and his ex' s life because you disapprove of her not being a clone of you. All within eighteen months.

Sure, no rushing here.*

Not to mention her dictate that his (not even ex) wife should take on more hours at work .. op did it so why can't she! Maybe she's not the same as you, maybe her circumstances are different. Who are you to tell another woman what she should do in life because you got involved with her husband 6 months after they split, before he was anywhere near divorced.

He actually sounds v dependant, apathetic, easy life, let mummy/wifey/woman sort it out .. maybe that's part of why he ended up divorced.

This is why you don't get into relationships with still married men who.ate living between hotels and their mummy's house; where he couldn't even have kids over for a period - but of course his wife, as the main carer, should just buck up and take on more work.

Ops not taking the lead on this - do how come you're on a forum hashing out his divorce situation and asking for advice instead of him.

*so

You really need to take a huge step back else his kids will hate you. Whether he divorces (or not) and the settlement he agrees with his wife is their business.

Sorry but this sounds rushed and all to his convenience with the women in his life facilitating him (his mum, the ex, you) - childcare, free accommodation at the weekends for him (which I'm assuming included a weeks worth of laundry done for him and meals) and free accommodation for his dc eow.

What would happen if you asked him for space and said you'd still like to see him but he has to stay at his mums and his dc when he has them? I think his answer would be rather telling.

Stbx works min hours and DC school age so no reason why she can't increase this.

Only she can't expect any help from her children's other parent as he only has them every other weekend and taking the day off is "not an option" right? . You realise school finishes at 15.30 or earlier and it's going to be all on her to sort out childcare and do all the juggling etc?

Personally I think YOU ought to butt right out and let him sort himself out and while you're at it keep your nose out of what hours his ex does or doesn't work.

What a peach you have there OP.

Wants to sell his children's home from under them and force them into unstable rented accommodation so he can buy himself a nice new house in which to live in with his girlfriend and HER children, while the only input he had into his own children's upbringing is having them to stay 4 days a month.

Your boyfriend wouldn't be able to work away and live in hotels if he had to do 50% of the childcare.

What was the value of the investment that he solely put into this property from another property that he needs to protect and get back? It can’t be very much if after property price increases there is only £10K equity to share.

Does this £10K consider the estate agent fees and legal fees for selling.

I am also struggling with how since his separation he has upped his income (working away minus hotel costs is more than local wages) and reduced his costs (pays mortgage assume did before and some other bills for his family - so less than what he was paying out before) - so he must be quids in if you are paying for his and his children’s board and lodging at weekends.

Looks like the cocklodger has landed on his feet - you are the one out of pocket here?

I had a similar situation best they could do is sell the house and split equity if he is hoping on keeping the situation out of court. She could rent for a few months on equity.

It would then be up to her to increase her working hours and carry on renting with a reasonable amount of child maintenance this can be achieved.

Unfortunately as pointed out it is a no win situation to either party if solicitors get involved due to cost.

He needs to either seek legal advice or to start discussions with ex-w (if wanting to do a diy divorce) in order to understand what the options are and to start the divorce and make financial and custody arrangements.

So you can post opinions and options on here all you like but until he either sees a solicitor or starts the process with his ex (assuming she is amenable to this) then nothing will progress.

So before he split he paid his part of the mortgage, his part of the household bills and expenses, worked away and stayed in hotels as a normal part of his job.

Now he pays all the mortgage, no child maintenance, no household bills and expenses, works away and stays in hotels as normal.

Why can't he manage any more? Seriously, this doesn't add up at all. You say you don't know the ins and outs of his financial circumstances - why exactly are you believing this bullshit?

I suspect the truth is that he is trying to avoid making any committment with you, particularly taking on a larger house which would leave him in an even worse situation than he is in already. Then he will have a mortgage and be paying bills and child maintenance.

Let'sdolunch. Finally a sensible answer. I'm not sure where OP are getting off assuming he wants money for deposit on a new house. There just isn't enough for either of them to do that.

I'm.not going to rise to any of the other tripe mentioned in pp. Just going to say some people need to get down of that high horse of theirs.

I was in the same situation when me and EXDP split. The house had to be sold and we both moved into rented accommodation (where I am still to date, currently saving to hopefully get back on the property ladder in the future) and do you know what, my kids didn't die or suffer emotionally because of it.

I've never heard such rubbish in my life! We did what was best for our children and that was us both being able to provide a safe environment for them to come to when we each had access.

I wouldn't have dreamed of holding him hostage financially in this way. I feel there are a lot of bitter women on here who aren't yet over the fact their own relationships have broken down.

If faces with a situation you figure out a way to deal with it. She can't afford to keep.the house or buy him out that's a fact, yet she refuses to.come.to an agreement to sell. At no point has a 50/50 split been mentioned. All.i have stated is the facts and that he would preferably like for them both to walk away with SOMETHING over both having nothing because she has dug her heals in. I can see I will get no sense from here at all. I'm not even going to mention anything discussed here with him. Mumsnet should be renamed the bitter ex parade!

My relationship hasn’t broken down. The facts you have from your dp don’t stand up and you show no concern for his children. This is what is prompting the comments. I just don’t think you understand his financial situation, as what he’s told you doesn’t make sense. And you don’t acknowledge that what money he does earn is still very much facilitated by his ex- a guy who can’t take a day off is not a guy who could do the drop off or pick up once each day so she can work more.

I'm not sure where OP are getting off assuming he wants money for deposit on a new house. There just isn't enough for either of them to do that.

That would be you OP when you said in your opening post that you he want to PURCHASE another property? But maybe he doesn’t need a deposit for that as YOU will be stumping up?

No skin off my nose what you do (not divorced or bitter), enjoy washing his pants.

But the whole problem is that she won’t agree to that which you say in your op. Hence the need for legal advice ie what can he do?

From your OP tellie

'the only way for us to provide stability for all DC is to move to a bigger property together.'

I take it you're prepared to have his DC live with you full time then if their current home is sold from under them and his ex can't afford a 'stable' home for them.

I wonder why you assume that anyone who doesn't agree with you is a bitter ex? I've been married for 25 years and I've never been an ex.

Why did you post when you don't want to hear any reality checks?

Good luck with chivvying your manchild on with his life

there are some very good on line lawyer services who specialise in certain areas. I used one once and the advice was great. It wasn’t free but I managed to sort what I needed from a£98 hours young and ground online. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, a lawyer knows the prescedent and what’s likely to be agreeable at court unless they can reach an amicable solution. Personally I think unless the ex partner can be in a position to buy him out then the house should be sold, she rents and he pays maintenance because he clearly isn’t in a position to pay full mortgage and rent himself, or if she does work, he pays 50% till children are 18, plus maintenance , she pays 50% and house sold at that point maybe? Many a relationship like this OP has founded on new partners resentment of the previous family being funded and the partners ongoing commitments sadly

I've just googled 'Skype divorce solicitor' and this is a thing.

Temp. Is it really.... fantastic I'll let him know. Looks like a really good staring point.

Some useful advice came from this after all.

Thank you

I am doing my divorce though gov.uk.
If your self employed you can take time off.

I have no resentment at all. As stated this has only came up in conversation he started at the weekend. Yes we would like to move in with each other in the future but there is no option for that as things currently stand.

I'm in no delusion that this is easy for either parties. Me, I'm good. I have a secure (rented, oh my poor chilrdren. How will they ever cope)home and savings and a plan b if required.

I haven't rushed into this relationship and neither do I want to rush it along further. More than happy to go at the right pace... All those claiming I've introduced my children for a flash in the pan relationship, at what point did I say I had introduced the children early? I haven't disclosed how long they have been staying here for! We both waited around a year before that even came up!

And moving in together after knowing the children for 6 months is absurd. Yes it's in future plans once his situation has been sorted. People really shouldn't assume something they know nothing about.

A feel.this really wasn't the right platform to seek advice and the responses received clearly echo that. For those who ha e offered practical advice I appreciate it. And to the others... well I'll keep that to myself

The court will not force the house to be sold and equity split when she is the resident parent on a part time income. The needs of the children come first and their need to be housed by the resident parent will take absolute priority.

The likelyhood is your DP will have to stay on the mortgage as she can't afford to take it over and the house sold when the youngest is 18. Whether you and your DP like it or not, that's the likely outcome. She could also get spousal maintenance.

I imagine the mortgage will be paid through a combination of him and her. He cannot stop paying as he is also libel.

Ultimately, if she doesn't agree to sell and split the proceeds (and 50/50 is not what would be ordered, it's a starting point with other things taken into account), a court isn't going to order this either so it's a total no go. The fact she is the resident parent and she works part time therefore will struggle more to pay to house them will go massively in her favour when it comes to the financial split.

And I know all this because I'm going through a divorce and have had advice from a solicitor.

I think you really do need to accept the possibility that a Mesher Order in this case is going to happen - its what I would push for if I were his ex. EOW is not enough not to pay maintenance and to give her time to get a job to take on the mortgage. It is what is - especially given the equity situation (although a PP is right how come he says he put in money if the equity is so small negative or small equity is surprising given those facts)

I was in the same situation when me and EXDP split. The house had to be sold and we both moved into rented accommodation (where I am still to date

Sounds like you think she should have the same outcome you have had.

The reality is that she won't, as she is married, you were not. Like it or not, the law treats a married dependant spouse differently to an unmarried dependant spouse. She simply isn't going to be sold out of secure housing into an insecure housing situation. That's a non starter. That's the protection marriage brings. She's likely already had legal advice, which is why shes staying put.

You won't get her out, OP, at least until the youngest is 18, possibly longer. Plan accordingly.