To come clean with info ?

[Mamawereallcrazynow]

Deep breath

So I’m 50 and my BF ( if you can call him that at his age ) is 57. Both divorced and have adult children who don’t live with either of us. We don’t live together either at this stage. Been seeing each other a few months. He’s booked a weeks holiday for us in November, he’s paid and I’m providing spending money. No problem so far.

However, a friend of mine recently came across some info and passed it to me. BF is a retired professional and sold his business back in 2015. When I asked why he claimed because he no longer enjoyed his work and his colleagues in the profession were become more money orientated and less ‘customer focused’. Even to the extent of ‘stringing some one up’ if it meant getting the business ( his explanation ). The info I have received is a document in the public domain about BF and his business. It appears that he has been indefinitely suspended from a professional body ( think along the lines of the GMC, RCN, Charted surveyors etc). Reading the document it appears he was suspended due to failing to maintain standards expected within the industry. This appears to Jhabvala happened around the time he gave up his work. When I found out I took a line of questions with him to just really understand what had happened. Again I got an answer along the lines of ‘ it was stressful to watch many of his colleagues become back stabbers and lose their professional integrity’.

Do I now confront him now with the knowledge that I know this is not really the case, and show him the paperwork proof, or go away with him and see if he will open up to me a bit more with what really went on ?

I know in my heart that I love him, but can’t get my head round that he is not coming clean with the truth.

What he did by the way wasn’t life threatening, nor a financial fiasco.

I think I know the answer but just want to make sure I’m doing the right thing

No idea where Jhabvala came from ! My apologies !

It completely depends on what he did (but understand that you don’t want to post it here).

If it’s something ‘not that bad’ he probably just wants to put it behind him and get on with his life. Is it something you feel he should confess to you in order for you to have an honest relationship? Or do you think it would be acceptable to say that he just wants to move on with his life without raking up the past?

Looking at the paperwork it appears that he never even tried do defend himself. He never acknowledged the paperwork sent to him about appearing before the committee, or anything else. He never even went to the board to give his side of things.

I’m confused... if it were me I would want to put my case forward for what happened and why etc

It kinda hurts that he feels he has to hide this from me. It hurts that someone else ( and the world ) knows what happened but he can’t tell me ?

Depends what he did? What he said about giving up work might not be untrue. If he was done with it and wanted out of it that would explain why he didn't go to the board or put any case forward.

Why couldn’t he tell me tho ?

Do I say I know what happened or do I let sleeping dogs lie ?

Most people wouldn't come clean if they were struck off from a professional body. If you were a decent person it would be humiliating and if you were a bastard you'd probably believe you were right and everyone else wrong. My initial thought is what does him being struck off, say about him? It didn't involve a criminal offence being committed or him hurting anyone, so it doesn't sound like he's completely immoral. It was due to not maintaining standards, which in my view, could be very different. You don't really know what went on unless you talk openly with him and I think this is what you need to do. Don't take it at face value that he's lying completely. There could be elements of his story that are true.

Also, trust your gut. If something feels wrong then it probably means it is.

Things happen in life. Few people get through their entire life being squeaky clean without some skeletons in the closet somewhere. For me it wouldn't be so much about him being struck off but more about the fact that he isn't being open with you about what happened when you might want a future with this man.
I think perhaps you need to explain it to him like that and ask him to elaborate more on the small amount he has said. He isn't obliged to tell you anything of course, but if he doesn't then you need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who won't discuss something that is obviously quite a big deal.

I wouldn't let this lie. This is your LIFE you're talking about. You should know if this man isn't who you think he is.

Thank you for all the honest replies

It’s something which he probably wants to forget but that doesn’t excuse the fact that a quick search of his name takes me straight to this information which anyone can see. I’m going to see him tomorrow night for a date and it’s a meal only date, so a chance to talk without anything else getting in the way. The deal breaker is if he still carry’s on the lie when I know different. I will make the decision first and then give him my proof when I walk away.

Lying is an absolute no no for me after my ex husband did about having an affair.

I am going to look at this from a different point of view OP, but what was going on in his life at that time? You say that the striking off was because of not keeping standards of the profession, and obviously you are being vague with details for privacy, but could there be a reason outside of work that affected his work life, depression, a nervous breakdown or something of that kind that he may not feel comfortable yet confiding to you?

You say that you have been dating a few months, no joint commitments so still at the "getting to know you" stage and he may just not yet feel comfortable enough to share whatever it was with you. I am not saying to accept lies from a partner, but maybe you are seeing "lying cheat" when in fact what you have is someone who was vulnerable, work life imploded and now is ashamed or embarrassed about sharing this part of his life yet.

In your shoes I would tread carefully and approach gently, rather than all guns blazing with "proof" printed out to throw in his face.

@ChuckleBuckles thank you. I appreciate it maybe something he is not comfortable sharing.

What’s people’s point of view if I go away with him and give him lots of support and understanding?

You can only allow yourself to be supportive and understanding of you know the TRUTH, not just what he wants you to hear. If he genuinely cares about you and has nothing to hide, he will be willing to provide proof as to what this is all about.

How did your friend happen to ‘come across’, this information? That’s a bit of a coincidence. Were you or she looking for information on him or does she not trust him?

The most common reason for being struck off as a director of a company is not filing accounts on time.

He's probably telling the truth about back stabbers as he no doubt employed people to do certain jobs and they never then when HMRC came sniffing around, they laid the blame at his door as the director

My friend has my back ever since we were at school. She knew we are getting closer so had a quick look.

He wasn’t a director and it’s not a tax issue

In regards of the holiday OP, you either trust him and want to go or you have it out and don't go. You say trust is very important to you but how would this man feel if after the holiday he discovered that you had doubts about him and still went, I think in those circumstances I would feel used for a free holiday.

My exh had similar skeletons.
Wish I had known - would have walked away before the rest tumbled out..

I understand why you’re concerned but I can see why he’s fibbing. He feels ashamed about the whole thing, wants to put it behind him, still wants to impress you, and doesn’t know you well enough yet to spill his guts.

I’m a bit 🤔 at your friend investigating him. I think if you reveal what you know, at the moment, you’ll look like a nutter.

I’m guessing it’s NMC he’s a nurse with a private company?? Care home maybe? We need more context OP. If this is the case ,he could be found negligent for not checking on his staff etc even if he did nothing wrong, IYSWIM?

This happened several years ago and he is in a different phase of his life.
Does he have a new job?

Not sure how going away on a romantic get away is in any way connected to his work situation way before you met him.
If I were in his shoes - she after a few months of dating I were confronted with the ‘truth’ I was hiding, and accused of not sharing and being honest - i’d think you were a bit stalkerish and I will definitely run.

It’s in his past, clearly wasn’t an easy situation, clearly affected him a lot back then. Hopefully he has moved on.
He doesn’t need neither support, not does he have to explain himself to you.

If you want to give this relationship a chance to develop, just focus on present and future.

So, like an accountant running his own practice who somebody made a complaint about his work, the professional body investigated, he felt betrayed/ashamed/exhausted (let his backstabber comments) and dissolved his practice and didn't engage with the disciplinary process which withdrew his membership? Bearing in mind he was surrendering his membership anyway.

Just adding in his comments about why he left into that scenario (for whatever profession) makes sense. If that's what happened (so no fraud or dishonest conduct) I'm not sure the version he gave you was a lie as such. Why would he want to dredge up a painful experience for you to pick through? He has given you his experience of it - there was an incident where he felt he was stabbed in the back and he didn't want any part of it anymore.

If he's been sent to prison and lost his membership of whichever body because of that you'd have grounds to be be upset.

It does happen with professions that sometimes people go into practice, don't keep up with cpd as robustly as they need to, or get out of their depth because things have changed so fast or become complex or they've over extended themselves, and it comes crashing down in a humiliating way. I don't think it makes them bad or dishonest. Just human.

Would you want to talk about that if it happened to you? You worked hard to achieve professional status, built a business, had respect of clients and community, and then it all crashed down very publically? You would want to discuss that in detail with someone you'd been dating a few months? Come off it.

If it was prof negligence, it might be to do with his age. I am currently on maternity break and in all honesty am worried about going back to what I used to do because I quite simply no longer have the brain for it!! The backstabbing etc might have been the reason why he didn't defend, he just left. Or he felt that his colleagues had notified his prof body and lied to them but that there were too many of them testifying. Or him being too exhausted to care. Mistakes made on a project, negligence, not designing something properly and there being financial or physical damage as a result and his colleagues laying the blame at his door fairly or unfairly. It is impossible to judge without knowing what happened.

In these circumstances you either need to accept that he doesn't want to talk about it, and therefore you won't raise it. Or have this as a sticking point in your relationship that you can't move past, and therefore end it. Going on holiday and then probing him when he's away is not very nice at all. If that was me, I'd feel quite trapped.

I too find it a coincidence that your friend has "found" this information. I've been to three disciplinary panels (medical) both for and against the person in question and whilst it is well known the information will go public, I'd have never actually read the documents had I not been there myself. People are sanctioned in my industry (nhs) all the time, but it's very rare to make the headlines. My latest one was a colleague who, in times of massive stress, made an error of judgement. No one died, but the patient did suffer long term effects as a result. This case never went in the papers. His wider colleagues weren't aware of the sanctions. Just us who was there, HR and his manager.

As mentioned previously, you don't know the background to what happened and he obviously doesn't want to share it with you.

Perhaps find out from the professional body the circumstances under which someone could be struck off. It should be something as some as not maintaining CPD, or other such practical considerations.

If it is indeed worrying reasons for getting struck off, then you cannot force him to come clean. Making someone be honest, and them confessing doesn't come from the same place of decency as someone telling you upfront.

But also- you've only known him a short while. Perhaps he isn't ready to share his most personal/ shameful secrets.

I have some doozies that I have never told anyone. Like, ever.