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Original poster

To come clean with info ?

70 replies

Mamawereallcrazynow · 18/09/2019 19:08

Deep breath

So I’m 50 and my BF ( if you can call him that at his age ) is 57. Both divorced and have adult children who don’t live with either of us. We don’t live together either at this stage. Been seeing each other a few months. He’s booked a weeks holiday for us in November, he’s paid and I’m providing spending money. No problem so far.

However, a friend of mine recently came across some info and passed it to me. BF is a retired professional and sold his business back in 2015. When I asked why he claimed because he no longer enjoyed his work and his colleagues in the profession were become more money orientated and less ‘customer focused’. Even to the extent of ‘stringing some one up’ if it meant getting the business ( his explanation ). The info I have received is a document in the public domain about BF and his business. It appears that he has been indefinitely suspended from a professional body ( think along the lines of the GMC, RCN, Charted surveyors etc). Reading the document it appears he was suspended due to failing to maintain standards expected within the industry. This appears to Jhabvala happened around the time he gave up his work. When I found out I took a line of questions with him to just really understand what had happened. Again I got an answer along the lines of ‘ it was stressful to watch many of his colleagues become back stabbers and lose their professional integrity’.

Do I now confront him now with the knowledge that I know this is not really the case, and show him the paperwork proof, or go away with him and see if he will open up to me a bit more with what really went on ?

I know in my heart that I love him, but can’t get my head round that he is not coming clean with the truth.

What he did by the way wasn’t life threatening, nor a financial fiasco.

I think I know the answer but just want to make sure I’m doing the right thing

OP posts:
PEkithelp · 19/09/2019 07:43

Sounds like he has told you the santitised version of what he believed happened. He probably doesn’t think he has lied to you, maybe just not given all the details yet.
I would be very upfront and say that your friend saw this online and see what he says.
I wouldn’t jump to thinking he was a terrible, deceitful person (not saying you were). He could well have just had a bad chapter in his life and want to move on.

Rachelover60 · 19/09/2019 10:34

If he is a nice guy, worry not. Being dismissed from work, especially in 50s, is often a contentious issue but at the end of the day, if he hasn't done anything morally or ethically wrong, why worry?

I don't know what 'friends' of yours are doing highlighting this issue, it hardly impacts on your relationship.

A lot of us (& I'm an 'older' person, more than your b/f), have problems at work and do not meet the requirements but that doesn't mean we've actually done bad things, just that (perhaps) our jobs are more suitable for younger people.

If you are keen on him and presumably he has no more 'secrets', go for it.

Good luck Flowers. I wish you every happiness.

FinallyHere · 19/09/2019 11:17

extremely unlikely someone was struck off for forgetting to do a bit of paperwork.

As I read it, his membership has been suspended, he has not been struck off.

My first guess would be that he has stopped paying his membership subscription because he has become disillusioned. I would still want to understand his point of view. I would expect the story to unfold in stages.

An actual lie would be a big red flag for me. Brushing it off, I would have some patience but not really much. As I said above, that means if he can lie plausibly I would probably be fooled.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/09/2019 11:30

who has her friends stalking her bf
Jeeze!!!!
It's called due diligence.
In this day and age of online dating etc..... it is absolutely necessary to do your homework before you meet up with someone.
Fucking hell - why wouldn't you!!????
And if my friend found something, she would let me know immediately - again.... Why wouldn't she?????
Stalking!!??? LOL....

Original poster
Mamawereallcrazynow · 19/09/2019 17:24

hellsbells & itsmecathy thank you for your positive vibes.

I’m seeing him tonight and I’ll just enjoy the date. I think PP are right with it being a fairly new relationship, and he’s seeing if he can talk to me without judgement. He speaks about his ex wife in a very nice way, and other colleagues too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamawereallcrazynow · 19/09/2019 17:25

Thank you also Rachel

OP posts:
rvby · 19/09/2019 18:13

Yeah.. if he was feeling done with his profession and had sort of checked out of it all, and over time it came to a head where he was removed from the practice register, he may not even perceive it as you do. From his POV he may feel theres nothing to discuss and it was a non event.

Just remember op, dating someone doesn't mean you have a right to know every detail about them. Hes allowed to not discuss things with you. He barely knows you.

No way in hell would I bring this up with him, how intrusive and weird.

0lga · 19/09/2019 18:20

You are 50, you’ve been dating him for a few months and you admit it’s a “fairly new relationship “. Yet you say you know you love him.

According to you, lying is a completely unacceptable to you , yet here you are ignoring a very big lie. Yes I get that he maybe doesn’t want to talk about it. But did didn’t say that. He told you a whole pack of lies that blamed his colleagues.

You are going to get badly hurt here.

Opentooffers · 19/09/2019 18:22

I think I'd try to be empathetic with someone I liked, but let them know that I was aware of the info that is in the public domain regarding it. I would then say that it must of been a very stressful time for him and that when he feels ready I would be happy to understand things from his point of view.
Like no pressure, but if want to tell me I'm here and meantime I'll treat as I find you the nice man before me with no judgements until I hear your side of things.

user1471504234 · 19/09/2019 18:22

With all due respect, do you have a full understanding of the issue that he got struck off for? I’m an optician, and some of the fitness to practice cases are horrifying, people can be taken to a hearing over something extremely trivial, such as not performing some obscure test you realistically would only have done as a student. And plenty of the ‘old school’ people are absolutely terrible at record keeping etc, which could be a reason to get struck off, doesn’t mean they were bad at their jobs or bad people.
As long as he hasn’t done anything unethical or dishonest, I would try and take a step back from this issue.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/09/2019 18:44

Your friend may not have been stalking!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Thank god hellsbellsmelons left enough for the rest of us)

but I doubt that she just happened across it.

And there are many reasons to be removed from a register quite a few of which could be from being stabbed in the back by colleagues.

itsmecathycomehome · 19/09/2019 18:54

Yes boney he could have perfectly legitimate and understandable reasons for leaving the profession, and for choosing not to talk about it in a relatively new relationship.

But he has lied, and op is allowed to be surprised, worried and asking advice on here about whether to ask him about it.

I fail to see what op or her friend have done wrong if a quick google of his name yields the results in question.

Satansgourd · 19/09/2019 19:03

Sounds scarily familiar @mamawereallcrazy now... if it’s the same guy I was dating, he isn’t 57 either...

PicsInRed · 19/09/2019 19:03

Don't merge finances and/or marry this one.

He may be fine but there's too many red flags to take the risk. If you stay with him, keep it fun, not legal.

freeingNora · 19/09/2019 19:07

I can't quite get my head around this you say your friend has your back but she's gone round digging dirt on someone you are dating and you're ready to implode a new relationship because he's not laid himself bare to you.

It's an intrusion into his privacy first off secondly I'm not sure your friend is your friend

You are showing huge red flags rushing a new relationship

If you don't like the chap or don't trust him Noones forcing you to have a relationship with him

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/09/2019 20:33

itsmecathycomehome

He may have lied.

But then the OP's friend may also have lied.

Where is the moral high ground at that point?

Non of us including the MN sainted friend knows the truth.

op is allowed to be surprised, worried and asking advice on here about whether to ask him about it.

Where have I said that she can't be surprised, worried or ask advice on here?

I am just pointing out that this may not be as bad as she thinks.

itsmecathycomehome · 19/09/2019 21:03

"It's an intrusion into his privacy "

How, if it's in the public domain, and comes up if you google his name?

"But then the OP's friend may also have lied. "

"Non of us including the MN sainted friend knows the truth. "

But op has seen the details now for herself.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/09/2019 22:21

itsmecathycomehome

The OP has seen the details from the professional body, this doesn't mean that it has all the details. Just those put forward to the professional body.

itsmecathycomehome · 20/09/2019 03:10

Well yes. Obviously. And I guess that's why op needs to talk to him about it. I was responding to the implication that her friend may have lied to her.

Good luck op. I hope you can move past it and get back on track. As many pp have said, he may just not have wanted to share something so personal at this early stage of the relationship and given you a sort of half-truth.

Pikapikachooo · 20/09/2019 07:06

I can’t answer this . It doesn’t sound like the crime of a the century and is probably a humiliating episode he wants to put behind him

Only you know him and if this is deal breaker ?

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