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Original poster

To come clean with info ?

70 replies

Mamawereallcrazynow · 18/09/2019 19:08

Deep breath

So I’m 50 and my BF ( if you can call him that at his age ) is 57. Both divorced and have adult children who don’t live with either of us. We don’t live together either at this stage. Been seeing each other a few months. He’s booked a weeks holiday for us in November, he’s paid and I’m providing spending money. No problem so far.

However, a friend of mine recently came across some info and passed it to me. BF is a retired professional and sold his business back in 2015. When I asked why he claimed because he no longer enjoyed his work and his colleagues in the profession were become more money orientated and less ‘customer focused’. Even to the extent of ‘stringing some one up’ if it meant getting the business ( his explanation ). The info I have received is a document in the public domain about BF and his business. It appears that he has been indefinitely suspended from a professional body ( think along the lines of the GMC, RCN, Charted surveyors etc). Reading the document it appears he was suspended due to failing to maintain standards expected within the industry. This appears to Jhabvala happened around the time he gave up his work. When I found out I took a line of questions with him to just really understand what had happened. Again I got an answer along the lines of ‘ it was stressful to watch many of his colleagues become back stabbers and lose their professional integrity’.

Do I now confront him now with the knowledge that I know this is not really the case, and show him the paperwork proof, or go away with him and see if he will open up to me a bit more with what really went on ?

I know in my heart that I love him, but can’t get my head round that he is not coming clean with the truth.

What he did by the way wasn’t life threatening, nor a financial fiasco.

I think I know the answer but just want to make sure I’m doing the right thing

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 18/09/2019 20:52

Your friend didn't just 'come across' the information did they. Why don't your friends like him?

AnneKipanki · 18/09/2019 20:57

You have only been seeing one another a few months.
Maybe it is too stressful to discuss the real reasons . Maybe it was too stressful to go to a committee or board and defend

himself.

eladen · 18/09/2019 20:59

Indefinitely suspended. So not even had his membership revoked or barred, just that he'd have to prove himself up to date and probably be subject to closer scrutiny for a few years if he wanted to resume practice.

That's even less concerning.

I think you're being ridiculous and self centred. Dating a few months, claiming to feel hurt he hasn't shared details of painful last experiences, talking about offering support and understanding to get him to dredge through painful stuff for you, talking about flouncing off and ending the relationship with some big reveal of your not particularly interesting discoveries about him...

How old are you?

Have you shared in detail all your past painful experiences with him? Because that would seem highly inappropriate for a new relationship.

Oh and "if it were me I'd want to..." . You're not him though and you've never walked in his shoes. You have no idea how you'd actually behave if you'd lived his life and then found yourself in that situation. Don't be so naive and judgemental.

user1479305498 · 18/09/2019 21:01

I would actually ask him, be honest and say you have a ‘protective friend’ and they mentioned this to you. Say you aren’t judging because you’ve no idea what it was about but say you like him and just wondered what the back story was. To be honest if he’s a decent bloke he should be prepared to talk about his life warts and all, especially if it doesn’t involve anything negative against women or children or fraud against people or stuff like that, if he gets all negative and storms off etc, then in all honesty if you got closer this would come out at some point anyway. I think it’s better you know now. If you think it’s really not a big deal tell him so and say it won’t be mentioned again

Original poster
Mamawereallcrazynow · 18/09/2019 21:22

Thanks everyone !

I’m going to put this to one side. I will go away with him and who knows maybe he will feel comfy enough to give me the history and why’s at some point in the future.

He’s a really nice guy and I’m happy with him

OP posts:
Savingforarainyday · 18/09/2019 21:29

But also, knowing your friend Snooped.... god, I would want out of that kind of relationship....

itsmecathycomehome · 18/09/2019 21:47

If it is really true that a quick search of his name reveals the information - as opposed to extensive, creepy detective work - I think you should tell him that you've seen the article or paperwork online.

Not because I think what he's done sounds particularly worrying, but because now you yourself are lying. If at some point he finds out that you knew for weeks and months, he will feel foolish. And you won't be able to forget it. Now you know, you will become desperate for him to confide in you. Each time he doesn't, it will hurt and annoy you more.

There is no need to lie. Tell him you've seen this, or that it's been brought to your attention. If he thinks less of you for being honest, then he isn't the person for you anyway.

Original poster
Mamawereallcrazynow · 18/09/2019 22:06

I’m not going to lie. I’m going to say this has been found and I’m open to listen to him. I don’t want to think I’m going to disappear because of one thing that happened years ago

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 18/09/2019 22:19

OP - ‘this has been found and you are open to listen to him’....
Do you not see how judgemental and a little crazy this sounds?
He isn’t your child.
And he doesn’t owe you an explanation that you think he does.
You barely know him. And he clearly doesn’t know you.
On second thought - maybe it’s best that you say it exactly that way. At least he’ll have a chance to get out before he goes too deep into a relationship with someone who has her friends stalking her bf and then think it’s normal to demand explanations for things that aren’t at all their business.

user1479305498 · 18/09/2019 22:21

Exactly OP , as I said above you are a bright woman, it’s public domain and the chances are you would google him at some point, everyone does . I think be totally open minded , and I think his reaction will tell you what kind of man he is. It may well be nothing that really bothers you. Let’s say he was an accountant and a few audits weren’t as scrupulous as they should be and ended up with disqualification, It may not bother you at all but I think better it’s in the open or the bloke might sit therexworrying that you will find out about it

Original poster
Mamawereallcrazynow · 18/09/2019 22:56

Well MMmomDD I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t !

What would you do ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamawereallcrazynow · 18/09/2019 22:57

And my friend wasn’t stalking. Looking for something else in the same field and saw his name so looked a little deeper

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 18/09/2019 23:01

.. if it were me I would want to put my case forward for what happened and why etc

You are assuming that everyone involved in the professional body were all acting entirely professionally. He appear to have lost faith that they were doing so, so thought it futile to defend himself to them and preferred to give us his position.

You are not likely to ever get to the bottom of this.

I would try to have a conversation about it, in order to hear his side. But then, he could just sound plausible. It's tricky.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 18/09/2019 23:09

You don't really want to do this whilst away with him.

Aaarrgghhh · 18/09/2019 23:15

It really does depend what he’s done. If he hasn’t hurt anyone or caused harm in some way and it’s not morally huge then just leave it but if you can’t I have no idea how to approach it.

Original poster
Mamawereallcrazynow · 18/09/2019 23:24

I can leave it for another time. I’m not going to interrogate him for the gory details. I’m going to listen with an open mind IF he wants to talk to me about it. I’m not going to open a can of worms just to satisfy my own nosiness

OP posts:
TimeForNewStart · 18/09/2019 23:27

What he has told you isn’t necessarily inconsistent with what you know about him though. It would be weird not to google someone these days so I don’t think you need worry about looking like a stalker. I would be more worried that the way he talks about his ex industry/colleagues makes him sound very bitter and jaded. The chances of a whole industry going ‘bad’ are slim, so I would be concerned that he is showing himself to be negative and a bit paranoid.

Monty27 · 19/09/2019 03:54

I certainly wouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve after knowing someone for 5 minutes if I'd been through some professional unbadging such as he has.
Say nothing and give him a chance. He might have booked the holiday so he could learn if he can trust you and share his experience with you.
I hope it goes well. Smile

GloriousGoosebumps · 19/09/2019 05:31

The thing that strikes me most is that you've only known him a few months, so no time at all, yet you expect him to give you quite personal information. You also say you already know in your heart that you love him after only a few months. Teenagers may declare their love after a few months but surely a 50 year old knows better? In all honesty you sound a little crazy particularly with your talk of confronting him. You seem to feel he's your next husband but to him you're just someone he's getting to know and the sooner he learns how entitled you feel after dating him for couple of months the better.

category12 · 19/09/2019 06:30

I'd be wary because of his talk of back-stabbers etc. It's one thing to fuck up professionally, it's another to blame it on others for whistle-blowing.

How does he speak about past relationships - are his exes crazy bitches? Is he wrong about things or is there some reason he's not, all the time?

PegasusReturns · 19/09/2019 07:00

It depends what he's done but the story about colleagues stringing people along to get business would ring loud alarm bells for me.

I suspect there is a truth in this and relates to the reasons he was struck off.

It's extremely unlikely someone was struck off for forgetting to do a bit of paperwork. You've been with this man mere months, tread carefully.

TheStuffedPenguin · 19/09/2019 07:10

You've only been seeing him a few months . My experience is that people will often give a brief diluted account of things in their past life and then as time progresses and trust builds up they will tell you more .It may be that that is the version that he is giving right now but you may find he will open up.

itsmecathycomehome · 19/09/2019 07:16

"At least he’ll have a chance to get out before he goes too deep into a relationship with someone who has her friends stalking her bf and then think it’s normal to demand explanations for things that aren’t at all their business."

Rubbish. It's hardly stalking to come across a name whilst working in the same sector, and then google it.

And she's not demanding an explanation. He's given her a half-true (at best) fabricated story. After such a short time, many people would have done the same. But now op knows it wasn't the truth and wants to have that discussion.

If he goes off at the deep end because she's found out something about him that he wishes she hadn't, he's not worth pursuing imo.

AmIThough · 19/09/2019 07:19

Honestly he might not have argued it because it was just easier to retire if he wasn't happy anyway.

He might have cut a deal that says he'll take the brunt of it publicly, and in return the company will give him a payout to keep quiet.

I've seen this happen.

Grandadwasthatyou · 19/09/2019 07:31

All this surmising. Just ask the man