This time it's time to go but need help to stay strong

[cantdecide1]

So I have been married 16 years my husband has a shit job working ling hours for £330 a week, he come home goes straight to the pub where every week he runs up a bar tab so then spends approx £150 of his wages on beer fags and pot. He doesn't help in the house, we have no shared interests. Our sex life us dismal. I work full time, also part time as a bar maid I cook dinner run the kids wherever and go to work. I also give myself 1.5 hrs a week to run.

Now DH is a nice man he phones me to chat about nothing in the day but he is no help and spends and spends and I am sinking in debt trying to stay afloat. On top of this I feel little or no connection to him any more I can't stand seeing him laying about drunk...or in bed all day at weekends I am tired too but I have to do everything including putting fuel in his car because if I don't he spends that money as well. I have had a short affair..for 2 months that is over. But it made me realise how unhappy I am. I never thought of other men before but now it's different so I have decided it's time to leave. Even on our 16 year anniversary when I asked him what he wanted to do he said "I am going to the pub" I feel bad because he is a nice person but he gives nothing and tslrs everything. He wants me too cook clean and look after him and to use my body when he wants..I can't cope any more. Am I doing the right thing leaving him..this unhappiness has gone on for over 10 years and last year I asked him to give up pot cut down on drink but nothing has changed I told him how unhappy I am but he thinks I am just making a fuss or on my period 😢

Yes I would say it’s definately time to go.

I can’t see any value to him at all.

Yeah I don't know if I am just weak but I have checked out about benefits and stuff and looking into housing so I can have everything ready..but since I finally decided to commit to this he has started being really friendly and chatty and I feel like a 2 faced bitch doing it behind his back. Like i say he is not a nasty person just very selfish and I can't give much more. I look at other couples and wish i had a partner that wanted to socialise and do stuff with me and the kids and acted like I need something to him. Even in my affair the guy told me it was just a bit of fun and he was "chatting with other girls" but I still felt more valued to him then my husband because he saw me and he listened to me.but husband seems to think everything is fine even though I tell him every week it isn't

Yes, time to go. I hope it all works out, you sound lovely and you and your children deserve a happy life.

You don't need your useless husband dragging you down anymore, you will be likely much better off without him as he won't be flushing money down the drain on his addictions. My 'D'P is very similar to your husband, won't lift a finger and pisses away vast sums of money with no explanation. Everything is down to me, just this morning he shouted that I hadn't washed any of his pants and he had run out, but he will still pester for sex this evening. I hope you can get out with as little stress as possible, you deserve to be happy I'm getting my ducks in a row, I left before but couldn't afford it so had to return. I'll have a more substantial running away fund this time.

Definitely time to go. You don’t owe this man anything because he’s “nice to you”.

You’ve tried working on it, asking him to cut down on spending half his weekly pay on alcohol and drugs. He doesn’t want to change.

You deserve so much better than this life, OP. It may be scary and hard at first, but you will breathe a sigh of relief.

Time to go indeed.

You've flogged this dead horse for a long time. He is not a nice person if he is so selfish and you and your children deserve better.

Thanks all. Russian daisy...that is exactly what he is like. He expects everything and gives nothing. I now avoid going to bed till he is asleep. So I am hoping to gradually start moving stuff to a friends ..get a house lined up. Then tell him and leave that day..but what about the kids do I warn them b4 my son is almost 15 and my daughter is 9. She will be the most upset by it but I think she will be ok in the end

But your DC don't even see him do they?
You say they will be upset but you don't know that for sure.
They could be a relieved as you are going to be.
He's a lazy drain on you and your DC.
Time to get your life back.

I feel bad because he is a nice person
But he's not nice is he?
He does nothing at all to help out or do his fair share.
He does nothing at all for his own DC.
He doesn't contribute?
He's wastes money on drugs and booze and fags.
How you have lasted this long is beyond me.
But you are now doing it.
Do it as quickly as you can.
Get out and have a happy life without this manchild dragging you down any further.

Hellsbellsmelons you are right..and my friends say the same but I have been with him for 21 years half my life. He isn't a bad person he sees them in the evening and that's and cuddles (but only after he has had a beer) he loves them and they love him. My son will understand. When I tried to get him to leave last year my son said he wasn't bothered and says he is used to his dad doing nothing. He gets fed up that we never have any money though.. I have a good job and a second job but so much debt and have been treading water for do long. I honestly think if I don't do this we will lose the house soon anyway as I am losing the battle to stay above water..I can't take on any more work and my daughter is upset that I work so much as it is. But he has forced me to this point. It is a very hard scary time. I have a lot of support but when he phones me I have to act normal and it's hard.. which is weird as I felt no guilt for him when I cheated I thought it was his fault and even my AP said that. But I don't want to be in this situation cheating to hide from a failed marriage it's not fair on any of us and I just get more and more hurt and used by everyone. My self esteem is just about rock bottom now. But I have to do this before I get stuck a mother 10 years. I don't want my kids to grow up finding out j was unhappy and cheated my way through ..I want better for them. I don't even want a man I want a clean house I can afford ..My kids to be happy and my dog..that's it. X

he wasn't bothered and says he is used to his dad doing nothing
This says it all. This man is who your DS will model in his future relationships.

HE hasn't forced you to this point! YOU have enabled all of this.
You have let him do this over decades!

So now it's time to take back control.

Yes you are right. And I really don't want my son to be like his dad. I always say I hope you will treat people better than he treats me (which I know I shouldnt). My daughter was very sad on my birthday that he did nothing and didn't help her to get me a card or anything she said she felt bad..she was 9 and I said it didn't matter because I had her with me which was better then any present and we sat by the sea and shared a Thai take out that was lovely but I hated that the felt that way . So you are right. I will do it this time but it's hard. I hope you don't mind if I keep coming in here so you can all talk sense to me when I weaken. Also when do I tell the kids I want yo have the house ready when I tell my dp so we can just go..do I leave it till then for the kids or warn my eldest?

Can anyone out there comment if I am doing this the right way please. I have found out about benefits and am trying to find a house. I thought if I organise everything I can gradually move things out of the house without him noticing a friend has said I can put things at her house. I will have to act like everything is normal until it's all sorted and I can tell him because I don't want to tell him I am leaving then stay in the same house. But I feel terrible both for not telling the kids and how they will cope the day I say we are leaving and take then straight to a new house. Also I feel so 2 faced doing all this behind his back and being normal to his face but I don't know how else to do it. Has anyone else been There?

It's always best to plan it out first and have your new life set up before you leave.
If you tell him and stay in the house he will talk you round and hoover you back in.
It's hard initially on the DC as they are uprooted but they will be free of him as well.
They can learn to flourish and grow.
You are doing everything the right way OP.
Keep going.
Your freedom awaits!

I would aim to plan, but knowing me I'd blow a fuse at some point.

I think that if you can plan and get all organized then you'd feel like you're taking back control of your life.

Thank you I feel so sad to day..possibly hormones not helping ! I will go for a run clear my head and keep strong. He was sad last night because a friend of his baby had died. I felt cruel for not offering any support to him but I feel I need to keep a bit of a distance..half my life we have been together and things are hard like daughter in the stage..do I still go with him as normal? He will come and watch that

How many things have your children missed out on because you can’t afford them? Those trainers your son wanted? The gym club your daughter could have joined. The tennis lessons that could have shown the amazing talent they both have.

He chose to drink and buy drugs rather than all those things. £150 a week is more than £7500 a year. Just think what sort of childhood your kids could have had with that money.

How much does he really love the children rather than his drink and his drugs?

Hi the kids havent missed out too much because i have worked extra pub shifts done election work and basically made money any way i cant to make sure they done. yes my son as he has got older heas felt like he doesnt have a lot in terms of clothes and trainers like his mates have, dinners out, days out ..he comments about us having no money which hurts a bit but he says very little because he sees me working all the time and he is a good boy and understand. He has just qualified as a referee and will be earning about £50 a week now and is looking forward to buying stuff and i have said yes he can spend some but to save some and he said "so i am not like him". they often have to wait for stuff, or i go without.. i trim the grocery budget ..whatever and try to make sure they don't feel how hard it is. so really they don't see much of it. i just think of all the things we could have done together as a happy family with that money.

Hi sorry . Back again. He is being so nice to me ..why do you think he can tell I am half way out the door. It's very hard to keep my resolve when he is being kind but I know from experience still nothing significant will change. I am also lucky as today a good friend is looking to buy a house in my village that I can then rent from him and his wife. It will be an addition to their portfolio of houses but they are lovely pppll and the house is beautiful. So although it will be hard we hopefully will have somewhere nice to go to.

You deserve so much better than occasional “niceness”, OP. The fact that your son is determined to be better than his father is heartbreaking. I hope your daughter grows up with a similar attitude and doesn’t grow up to expect to be treated the same way her father treats you.

The fact that you have to work extra shifts and extra hours, taking you away from spending time with your children, to make up for his financial irresponsibility, is awful! Hold onto that.

Cantdecide, feeling guilty was what held me back for over two years. I understand; it's horrible when you're naturally so empathetic. You're obviously a nice person to have put yourself last for so long. Just because he throws you the few crumbs of being chatty and pleasant to you, it's not enough and it's time to put yourself and your children ahead of him.

It's hard but honestly, if I can do it you can do it!! It's so much better on the other side and the guilt fades I promise. You'll be able to see the woods for the trees as soon as you make the break. Good luck!

God, he sounds vile...sorry if you think he is nice, but everything you have put does not paint him to have redeeming qualities at all. Being nice sometimes, doesn't account for much at all.

Get rid of him OP, he's never going to change. I don't actually blame you for having an affair under the circumstances. x

'Being nice' to you doesn't cost him anything, he can do it while he's got drink and dope inside him (having spent his money). ANYONE can 'be nice'. It doesn't look after the kids, it doesn't cook a meal or clean the house.

You need to get out.

thank you. i need some advice about what i should do about my mortgage when i move out (its joint). Also if i can claim universal credit whilst i am still on the morgage. our debts are so huge there will be no capital left after sale but hopefully some of the debt can be cleared...should i start a new thread ? thank you again

Pinkmonkeybird re the affair I was talking to a friend about it the other day, my affair partner said to me one day he was messaging other people not just me and he betted i was too (i told him i wasn't) and that he didn't mind so why did i.. its just a bit of fun after all.. he said he was only physical with me.. my self esteem was so low i still saw him after that..right up till he got caught by his wife for i assume messaging other women..and i still thought he was nice. i think i am just a total doormat but trying to change and make no more dumb mistakes. I shouldn't have done it though and don't really know why i did..think i just wanted a distraction from reality which is no excuse TBH.

So today he cleaned the kitchen and inside the cupboards and didn't go out drinking. He even reckons he will come to some first refereeing matches. Why us he suddenly being nice and supportive? .I am sure it won't last but makes it harder