This time it's time to go but need help to stay strong

[cantdecide1]

So I have been married 16 years my husband has a shit job working ling hours for £330 a week, he come home goes straight to the pub where every week he runs up a bar tab so then spends approx £150 of his wages on beer fags and pot. He doesn't help in the house, we have no shared interests. Our sex life us dismal. I work full time, also part time as a bar maid I cook dinner run the kids wherever and go to work. I also give myself 1.5 hrs a week to run.

Now DH is a nice man he phones me to chat about nothing in the day but he is no help and spends and spends and I am sinking in debt trying to stay afloat. On top of this I feel little or no connection to him any more I can't stand seeing him laying about drunk...or in bed all day at weekends I am tired too but I have to do everything including putting fuel in his car because if I don't he spends that money as well. I have had a short affair..for 2 months that is over. But it made me realise how unhappy I am. I never thought of other men before but now it's different so I have decided it's time to leave. Even on our 16 year anniversary when I asked him what he wanted to do he said "I am going to the pub" I feel bad because he is a nice person but he gives nothing and tslrs everything. He wants me too cook clean and look after him and to use my body when he wants..I can't cope any more. Am I doing the right thing leaving him..this unhappiness has gone on for over 10 years and last year I asked him to give up pot cut down on drink but nothing has changed I told him how unhappy I am but he thinks I am just making a fuss or on my period 😢

OP you sound lovely and you’ve made so many sacrifices for your children.

Being nice to you isn’t enough. He probably senses something is up and is panicking. Almost like when a child has been naughty and then they say “I’ll be good I promise”, you can guarantee it won’t last. A nice person doesn’t treat their family like this. You’ve already said your children are picking up on this behaviour, so do it for them. You’ve already been doing this on your own but with the constant weight of a man who didn’t care enough and has drained you financially. That’s exhausting and it’s abusive behaviour.

If your friend told you what you’ve told us, what would your advice to them be? Or if your daughter or son came to you in the future telling you they were in your situation.

Don’t be sucked in by his manipulative behaviour. You’re doing the right thing in arranging somewhere to live and looking into benefits etc. You’ve already been doing all of this on your own, just with him under your roof. You’re not responsible for him, you’re meant to be a partnership and I suspect that even if he did say he will do whatever it takes it wouldn’t be long for the cracks to start to show again. If he really wanted to change he would have years ago.

Stay strong and i hope everything works out for you

Thank you heymummee I am doing my best. X

So he is still being pleasant cooking and cleaning and ringing me for little chats. I am trying to be polite but a bit distant as i don't want to act like everything is peachy then drop this on him. I am going to see a house this week hopefully and i have checked i can get Universal credit and i can, i have spoken to the mortgage company too.. packed my summer clothes in a suitcase..its a start. Feel such a total mess, hit the bottle a bit at the weekend and then went for a run with my friend yesterday as decided drinking isn't the answer.. obs i will still have the odd glass but not get drunk as kids will need to see me in control with this (also it trashes my run speed so alcohol free is win win ). still hate that it is down to me to do this and that i will hurt everyone but i have to or i am going to lose myself down a big black hole. thank you all for your support it is so needed and appreciated.

Keep on going and keep on planning! He can sense you've had enough. Stay strong.

Yes, it’s time to go. Your husband can sense your exit and is trying to pull you back in.

He spends half his wages on getting drunk or high and is not a good example to your children.

You would be better off without him.

@cantdecide1

He was sad last night because a friend of his baby had died. I felt cruel for not offering any support to him but I feel I need to keep a bit of a distance

He can express empathy in respect to his friend - but you’re working 2 jobs, running the house and trying to keep on top of debt and he is not providing for his family!!

Your son gets upset because you don’t have much money because his father is drinking it or smoking it.

Do not feel bad because he’s upset!!! You are upset!! You have no emotional energy to give him.

If you got sick, who would support your children? Not him on his £330 pounds a week (less £150 for beer and drugs).

You need to get yourself in the best possible position to leave him. He is a dead weight around your neck.

I would put your house on the market straight away and tell your husband it’s to clear the debt. Then when you sell and move out, tell your husband it is over.

He should have got a second job to support his family. He should be providing clothes and trainers for his teenage

son. Yet he’s not.

Put the house on the market straight away. If you delay doing this he will reck the house so no one will want to buy it.

He has ruined the future stability of your family.

I can’t believe you’re working hard to put food on the table and keep a roof over everyone’s head and he is getting drunk or high and spending almost 50% of his metre wage to do so.

*meagre wage

OP he has sensed that you have checked out of your marriage. His sudden half arsed effort around the house is actually insulting; why couldn’t he have made these efforts anyway? I predict that he’d revert back to his loser ways very quickly if you make the decision to stay. Why are you leaving your mortgaged home? Are you intending to continue paying towards the mortgage when you leave? You’re the primary carer to the children. I’d explore staying and seeing if he’d agree to leave. He can’t afford to run the house without you, surely?

Your husband has started getting off his arse because he knows you're done with all of his shit. If you stay, I assure you he will soon revert back to the useless drunk he really is. You would be a fool to waste one more day with this man. No matter how difficult it will be to get things sorted, don't throw in the towel. Before you know it you can have a completely different life. The struggle will be well worth it.

Hi all i am moving out for three reasons really. 1. i cant afford the mortgage and secured loan if i stay. but i will get universal credit towards rent if i move out. 2. he wont go ..so its easier to go then he cant talk me round. 3. i hate the house its run down and i cant afford to do it up, i want a fresh start.
he is still being bloody nice though. I know it has to be though as I actually for the first time ever properly cheated on him.and I felt no guilt to me that just tells me its totally over. I just dont want him any more i need to get out. i know that was wrong but i sort of needed to test my emotions that prob sounds stupid.

So the cheating was a huge mistake. It was with the guy I had a fling with he is single because his wife threw him out. But everyone somehow knows in my village..well a lot. Not my husband yet and it's messing with my head what to do. Husband still being nice and helpful and trying for sex every night.. how can I keep putting him off?!..But I have to now as a it's not fair on him because I am leaving and b I had unprotected sex. All very stupid. About to do the school run as the Scarlett woman not sure if I will get abuse or not. The guy is fine.. He has moved onto another female everyday from what he says apparently...however still wants to be friends. I am feeling guilty and scared of everything.. looking at 2 houses today

"What are you talking about?" if they ask about the affair. You know nothing about it, so you have nothing to say.

Keep going with the rest. Your husband/partner is trying to keep your earnings and services by being nice, so that his life can go on as usual. Don't fall for it.

The ex-affair? Sod being 'friends' - block him. He wants to keep you onside for when he needs a shag and there's no-one else available.

The good life you can make for yourself and your children is out there, waiting. Keep working towards it. I hope you find a house you like.

Thank you. Your right. But the guy even said to me he doesn't want to sleep with me again because he has so much going on and it's too much "ag" and that I should talk to my husband and sort things out. So I don't know if he does actually mean it or feels a bit bad because he knows my husband...But yes I think he prob does want to keep me on the side lines. Thank you I will do as you say today and hope for the best...it's all so bloody hard isn't it. I wanted to wait till the end of the month but everyday with him being nice gets harder.

i have sorted a lovely house tho

Ooohhh well done OP.
So glad you have a house sorted.
Do you know when you can move in?
Keep faking it until you make it.
Deny the affair. Unless he has proof of course.

there may be proof.. today is D Day on that one. but yes thats what I plan. The house is stunning and i should be able to move in at the end of the month. I know the owner and he is letting me have it furnished which will make things a lot easier. It is a mile from our current village so older child might not be pleased but somewhere really lovely where they can be proud to have friends round rather then our terrible tatty house with beer bottles and tobacco remnants !

DH has this habit of looking wounded .. he also even cooked the other night. Its all very odd and last night one of his friends told me i needed to give him a boost! I am the biggest mess i have ever been and i don't know if its a shitty marriage, bereavement or i am literally going insane but I am really trying to be strong and just keep going! I had to book in for an STI test.. the most humilating thing i have had to do as an adult admit my huge mess up!

KOKO OP! once you're out of the old house and in the new one - your new life begins! don't worry about the STI test - I, and a lot of people I know have had them at some stage in life. No biggie.

What does koko mean? Anyway I have de activated my Snapchat account and deleted and blocked the guy on fb. I saw his wife yesterday and she was really lovely and obviously hadn't heard the rumours he had just made it up for whatever reason. Plasticpatty was right he just wanted to use me..so he is gone. I feel pretty bad about the entire thing like a total idiot..who trusts a man that tells you he is a cheating lying c*nt? Anyway still hanging in waiting to make the move.

The other thing me and DH never ever fight. he comes home from the pub is friendly and chatty and i just feel like a fraud. I did think i could cope with it, accept it, exist with it whilst i had the distraction of the other man but it didn't really work. My DH doesnt like sex he just wants to lie back and have someone satisfy him by hand. we never kiss. before when we did used to have sex he was unable to orgasm ever for about 10 years this has been, he says its because of the drink and drugs but it made me feel bad like there is something wrong with me. so when this other guy wanted me i stupidly went with him to see if i am a defective. Now i feel like a lier and a cheat and am finding it very hard to hold everything together to move on and get out. i am hoping i will feel better when i eventually get out but its all such a worry, particulary how my daughter will cope.

I am still here..sorry to be a bore but really wavering. The house won't be ready until the end of October and he is still being pleasant trying to cuddle and stuff all the time. The rumour about me and the other guy has spread further but he hasn't yet heard. I feel like a ticking time bomb. I am really starting to doubt myself feel like I have imagined that things are not good for me and that I am being a terrible mother by what I am doing. Please help me in my heart I know it's right but my head I am so very very confused. I just keep hanging onto the fact that surely I wouldn't have done what I did it things were right 😣. It was DS 15th birthday yesterday and went for a family meal which obviously I paid for. But it was nice and everyone got on..I feel so guilty

It's all an act.
I think your DH has heard the rumours and knows he has pushed you to far, he feels you- his meal ticket - is slipping away from him and he is doing damage limitation. Give it a week or so and he will reert to form.
As for the affair deny deny deny if possible.
Keep on with your plans. your H doesn't seem to have been agood role model for your DC's and your son recognises this. Get out before your DD thinks that the way he has been treating you and the family is normal.
You deserve better

You need to put yourself and the DC before this selfish lazy over sized child of an adult. You are worth more than this.

He’s only being nice on the surface OP because he can sense you pulling away emotionally.

What is so insulting is that it shows he could have been doing that all along but chose not to.