This time it's time to go but need help to stay strong

[cantdecide1]

So I have been married 16 years my husband has a shit job working ling hours for £330 a week, he come home goes straight to the pub where every week he runs up a bar tab so then spends approx £150 of his wages on beer fags and pot. He doesn't help in the house, we have no shared interests. Our sex life us dismal. I work full time, also part time as a bar maid I cook dinner run the kids wherever and go to work. I also give myself 1.5 hrs a week to run.

Now DH is a nice man he phones me to chat about nothing in the day but he is no help and spends and spends and I am sinking in debt trying to stay afloat. On top of this I feel little or no connection to him any more I can't stand seeing him laying about drunk...or in bed all day at weekends I am tired too but I have to do everything including putting fuel in his car because if I don't he spends that money as well. I have had a short affair..for 2 months that is over. But it made me realise how unhappy I am. I never thought of other men before but now it's different so I have decided it's time to leave. Even on our 16 year anniversary when I asked him what he wanted to do he said "I am going to the pub" I feel bad because he is a nice person but he gives nothing and tslrs everything. He wants me too cook clean and look after him and to use my body when he wants..I can't cope any more. Am I doing the right thing leaving him..this unhappiness has gone on for over 10 years and last year I asked him to give up pot cut down on drink but nothing has changed I told him how unhappy I am but he thinks I am just making a fuss or on my period 😢

He can sense he has pushed you too far. My sister's bf is the same, he'll be an arse, go out drinking etc and she'll get more fed up. Just as she's getting to the stage where she'll kick him out he'll start being lovely, stay in, is going to stop drinking and she'll be all loved up and the cycle will start again.
He knows something is up even if it's just subconsciously that's why he's being nice, if he was going to be like it all the time it wouldn't have taken 16 years.

I said to my daughter yesterday does it worry you how daddy is with me and she said yes it does. i asked in what way bit she wouldnt talk. I said I hope when she is older she has a boyfriend who is nicer to her and she has a better time then me.. she said "is that possible?" i asked her what she meant but she wouldn't say any more she is 9. I also was with my son on Saturday and sort of sounded him out how he would feel living without his dad, he said he wouldn't really be bothered as long as he can still do his stuff like football and boxing and seeing his mates. I then changed the subject. As his dad has only taken him to football for the last 2 weeks i don't think it would make any difference to him, but my daughter and him are so close.. they just worship each other. re time its been since the 16th September he has been nicer ... how long can he keep it up? He obvs hasnt heard about the affair yet.. thats getting closer as someone is doingt her best to spread it.. but maybe he has heard i have been looking at houses .. who knows :( its all so bloody hard.

@Itwasntme101 you are so right...that is why it has took so long because i always back down. i feel like its all me being unreasonable..expecting too much :(
someone told me that he used to cry to his boss about how bad his life is and how hard i am too live with.. that was 2 years ago after my brother dropped dead and then my dad died suddenly and my sister in law got really ill...that really hurt when i heard that because i really struggled.

I’m willing to bet he wasn’t much support to you during that time. Did he stop drinking and going to the pub for example?

OP please go.

He's an absolute user. He's drunk and smoked away all your security and your children's security.

But he gets away with it because he's nice and chatty.

What a deceitful arse.

You NEED to go because your kids need you to go.

You NEED to take them to a lovely pleasant house where they see their parent working, earning, taking responsibility and keeping them safe and giving them a good example to follow.

You are doing everything right and look around you. It's being eroded, dragged down and away by a leech.

Get out and give your children the childhoods they deserve.

my daughter and him are so close.. they just worship each other

Seen this so many times. He uses her too. Lovely nicey nicey cuddly Dad. So easy to do and makes him feel better about himself. Daughter loves it as she knows deep down that Daddy isn't what he should be so like you - JUST like you - she hangs on to any indication that he's decent. Because she wants so much for him to be decent.

It will fuck her up, fuck up her expectations of what a good relationship is. 'Worshipping Daddy' when Daddy won't put her security before the pub will teach her that men let you down and the thing to do is play nice and be grateful for what you get, oh and work your arse off because he won't be there when the money runs low - pub comes first.

Get her away from him.

Keep strong OP.Its hard to take that first step out even when you know it's the right thing to do.
If all bills at your house are in your name the get ready to take meter readings.
If he really adores your daughter then he will make time to see her,don't worry about that it will be better for her in the long run than things are now.

As for the affair,forgive yourself.Not great but reading your post totally understandable.

Ugh, must be a personality trait. My sisters bf makes anything that happens all about him, milks the sympathy he gets.
Bet he went places with you when you were grieving playing the supporting husband all sad and doe eyed but was naff all help at home.

Definitely time to go lovey.
And value yourself with more worth than some who is "nice" to you. Most men will be nice to you to get between your legs or to keep their stomach filled each day.

@TatianaLarina in some ways he was supportive when my brother died, my parents completely fell apart and my other brother stuck his head in the sand and couldn't cope so i went into action mode and sorted everything going to the mortuary, doing all the legal stuff, dealing with all his friends and everything because my elderly parents hearts were broken and it made them age rapidly and get quite poorly so for a while i was with them everyday. he got very angry with me, said it was because he was worried about me but i wanted to help them. I cried one day after he phoned up and said i was spending to much time wit my parents and my dad said he wanted to kill him for hurting me. But things calmed down then dad died.. he tried it again after that and i told him not to make me choose between my mother who was very ill and depressed on her own and him! He didn't and now here we are and i am still leaving him.

@FizzyGreenWater that makes me cry nearly every time i read it. but i think you are right. I left some money on the side on Friday .. it wasn't mine it was from some charity fund raising prob only about £30 but i cant find it. i asked him if he had seen it and he said not since Saturday. both kids think he took it.. my little one got upset and said "does that mean you will have to earn it all again" i said yes i will have to give it back because it wasn't mine to spend. We might be wrong maybe I put it somewhere and forgot or its fell on the floor.. but the fact they both think their dad took it is pretty awful.

He sounds really rough and nasty OP. You can definitely do better- being on your own is better than with a nasty, alkie, druggie, thief. Go for it. Best wishes xxx

Still waiting on the house. Keep doubting myself all the time. Nothings changed he is still being all nice nice whilst doing very little practical but I just keep having doubts 😦

Ok I know I am dull but losing my resolve..house taking ages to get contract and husband now cleaning..cooking being all nice and friendly...I am struggling to keep strong. I have to I know and still obsessing about the other guy who told me tonight he is seeing other ppl but he hopes I can be happy and he is sorry for being selfish in how he treated me..but wants to be friends. I am so messed up. I nearly told my son tonight but it's not fair to expect him to keep it secret 😣

Also how do i tell him.. one friend says i should tell him and leave immediately another says i should tell him a week b4 so the kids have time to adjust to the idea? someone said i should tell him i cheated but i think thats just hurtful and will make things worse.

don't give him any notice at all. don't give him chance to upset your dc.

Hell no - don't tell him until you are out of the door.
Don't risk it.
If you tell him a week before he will talk you into staying and you know it!
Get everything in place.
Wait until he is out and then get everything moved.
Then tell him and leave immediately!

Op you need to forget about your ex AP. In the grand scheme of things he is irrelevant and please don’t involve your son. Your children will have enough to deal with as it is.

The winning line is in sight, keep your resolve and don’t take your eyes off the prize. Your new life starts as soon as you walk out of the door.

Your H has had many years to change his ways but chose to let you take on the burden of survival for your family, while he enjoyed his time down the pub wasting family money.

KOKO (keep on keeping on) you’re doing great. Definitely don’t tell H until you are ready to walk.

Is he reading your posts on here OP? That is what I would assume if he is finally managing to behave like a normal human being suddenly.

I was wondering that, too.

Anyway, please forget about the man you had the fling with; he is just trying a different approach to keep you on the back burner.

Probably all the more so if he knows you'll likely be single soon (and available for more meaningless sex)

Thanks all for some reason none of this notified. No husband wont be reading posts he doesn't even know i am on here and doesn't know my passwords to anything.

The house has now been put back to mid end November and its driving me crazy. To the extent that i have done some stupid stuff like messaging the guy when i was drunk to be told he was with someone he is seeing and cant message me anymore so blocked me..fair tbh but kept me on fb..he doesnt want me at all so I dont think he wants anything from me just maybe another number on his friends list. I had a low week and nearly caved .. but friend set me straight this has been years coming but its so hard. Husband trying to be all loving and frisky (pointless .. and i cant till i go to the clinic anyway as that really unfair, but i dont want to either i dont want to be touched but he is acting all hurt) so i am being really mean to him all the time which i feel really bad for. but if he keeps poring at me trying to kiss and cuddle me.. i know i am going to end up telling him what I did just to make him leave me alone! I have just booked a drs appointment to get referred for counselling as so messed up. added to which i have no money for anything i have to pay for this week and feel beaten. will this ever get better?

Now the wife of the guy I had the affair with has found out and it's like a ticking time bomb till my DH does. I know it's all my fault but we live in a village and she has said to never speak to her again and now I need to try an avoid her which is almost impossible with kids clubs etc ..what a fucking mess I have made of my life. They are split up and he had multiple women but I think if it goes to divorce I will be named. He is already with someone else now

hello dont know if you have all written me off as a lost cause.. the house i am getting is hopefully promised to be ready for the end of the month. Rumours are flying round everwhere and my APs cousin has decided to be super pally with DH in the pub.. telling him little bits about things but nothing direct..basically stirring by DH has no clue and its awful thinks he is a mate! DH still phones me all day everyt day for chit chat and i feel like the worst two faced bitch out! I really hope this will be worthwhile in the long run.