Seeing brothers best friend - Need some support/ advice please

[sheryl77]

Hi,

I've been speaking to one of my brothers best friend since February of this year. We started talking for work (I am now his client) and then he asked me for my personal phone number and we started chatting on a regular basis (He went to Singapore in May and he was texting me throughout the day on a daily basis whilst he was there, he also bought me a present out there as he knew I wanted something from there).

We built up a friendship and after months of talking on a daily basis, we slept together a few times.

I really value his friendship more than anything and we had what I thought was a strong, deep connection. Very similar people and he said it was 'fate' that we met and 'lets see what happens' so we continued to talk and see each other (a few dates). I know he was constantly torn with seeing me and his friendship with my brother who he has known for twenty years.

Two weeks ago we met and after us texting each other he was saying he wanted cuddles (Genuine cuddles and not a prelude to sex), I gave this affection when we last met and it seemed like he was freaking out at the time). Later in the day, he said the age difference wasn't a problem (he kind of made a statement to me that he was thinking it wasn't).

We had a great time and then he left (after he'd taken me to lunch the day after) and then he calls me in the evening and I can feel something is 'off'. His communications got less and less (we talked every day pretty much hour by hour).

I asked to speak to him and I said I was getting cold feet (I was at this point as he was being so cold and I was scared of getting hurt). He then said that he couldn't ruin his friendship with my brother and he would never 'approve'. In all fairness, I am just going though a divorce and my brother knows I am not in a good place so right now he wouldn't agree to it, but I think in time if he knew I was happy he would.

I feel a bit 'misled' as he went 'deep' with me and as soon as I went 'deep' he seemed to run away! He was talking about it being fate us meeting (I guess you don't do that for fxxx buddies!) and I genuinely thought when he said 'lets see what happens' that he would consider going into a relationship with me and letting my brother know if feelings developed.

He said it was best to end things now before they got much deeper.

I don't understand! I feel like he's given me mixed messages and am so hurt by it.

We agreed we'd be friends, however I am trying to get my head around it and the fact he wasn't willing to take a 'risk' by even asking my brother.

Am I being unreasonable?

I guess whatever will be will be, but I just feel like we had such a connection (genuine) and I am so hurt by this and I think he feels the same, but I just don't know!

He said he will miss me...however the physical side has to stop.

I am suffering with depression at the moment, so I really just need some advice and support, no hard truths as I just cannot handle my emotions right now.

Why on earth does your brother have such influence in your life??

They've been friends for over 20 years and my brother and I are very close. He just wants the best for me, thats all.

My mind isn't clear at all. I cant even remember my original post, however we both said we had cold feet, I said it because I was going through my divorce and didn't want to drag him through it (albeit I didn't tell him that). I just said it was my brother thing as well as I knew thats what he was thinking from when we last met.

Anyway, one of the most recent posters said, it doesn't matter why, its ended. We both 'agreed' but I only 'agreed' as I knew he had got cold feet. I'm just hurt, thats all.

Had too much heartache the last 7 months and this was the final straw as I thought I'd met someone who genuinely cared about me.

He said he liked me a lot, said I was a wonderful person with a good soul, intelligent, etc so I will just take away the positive things about it and try not to be negative.

We discussed for months about my brother, he said it was an issue and I didn't think it was. All honesty, he was honest with me, I think somewhere along the lines something got blurred. He seemed invested in me and I invested in him. Then he ran away :-(

All honesty, he did say that it probably couldn't be anything more than FWB. He said he as honest with me. However, his actions were not giving me that all day long messages. 2 hour long telephone calls. Daily contact since February (lead by him). I don't think you do that for FWB? I don't know anymore. Very confused. Very let down.

Oh honey. OK so he told you that it was fwb, and you decided not to take him at his word, and now you feel let down? You need to give your head a wobble.

All this about him "investing" in you by talking to you daily, sweetheart, no. Texting someone is REALLY EASY. It's not an "investment". It's just how you keep people thinking about you and it's something most people find easy and fun to do. Chatting to someone who is clearly into you is very enjoyable for people, it's not an "investment".

Please learn from this. Remember to believe a man when he tells you it's not serious. Developing a complex fantasy of how "deep" you are going with a man doesn't erase him clearly telling you that you are a fwb... he did nothing wrong. You literally ignored what he said and made up a story in your mind about him instead...

Sorry I disagree, it wasn't a 'fantasy'. I can tell when someone is into me and in person you know when there is a connection.

When someone says 'Shall we just see what happens' clearly you will think it may have potential to lead somewhere.

He said what more could it be other than FWB and lets see what happens. I didn't take that that he was saying that for shagging me sake as he didn't seem like that kind of guy. He's had long term relationships for 20 years so I thought he wasn't into just shagging for the sake of shagging.

Anyway, I have learnt my lesson. I just know not to believe anything any guy says from hereon to be honest.

"Anyway, I have learnt my lesson. I just know not to believe anything any guy says from hereon to be honest."

I think that, when you're ready, you should just be open about wanting a proper relationship and only consider men who want the same. Make sure that they demonstrate that with words and actions. You might still end up disappointed, but you've got a better chance than you have with men who only want fwb.

he had long term relationships but how do you know he didnt cheat on them?
you were/are vulnerable, it seems he love bombed you and took advantage of your situation. but now he is scared of your brother.
also, he might be looking for someone younger to have kids with etc.
the thing is this relationship seems to be ended.
no more dwelling on it will help you, will upset you more.
take a lesson from this and try to move on. it will take time but you have to avoid seeing him, talking-texting to him. otherwise you will get more upset. it is what it is. he is a lying, not very nice person.
your brother may not know his other side.

But where could the relationship have gone if you yourself are saying your brother would literally beat him up if he knew? How was there ever a future if your brother holds that much influence?

I don't think it's about not trusting what men say, it's about trusting exactly what they say. He said he wanted FWB. Believe him when he says that.

This is a rebound relationship for both of you. Neither is ready but ye both miss the connection of a relationship.

I think ye should stop seeing each other.
It’s not the right time and not the right person.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, you sound so confused and hurt. It does however sound like you need time out from seeing people, there is time for that when you have a clear head and are focussed on your own life and goals.

Re your brother, I think I’d find it hard with any of my family or friends being treated this way. And if it was one of my friends doing this to someone who appears vulnerable at the moment I’d be doubly cross. So yes your brother probably would be furious. But I don’t think you should hide it from your brother. I have a friend married to her brothers best friend and it has worked as it was very much out in the open and they treated each other with respect, no messing each other around, even before it got serious. This guy’s words and actions haven’t matched up and he has been messing you around at a time when you are vulnerable. You do however need to learn from this and make sure you focus on yourself and don’t let yourself get into such a situation again. Be kind to yourself, it sounds like it has been an absolute mind fuck, but use it now to find some strength and set some healthier boundaries for yourself in what you are prepared to accept from people around you. Much easier said than done I know, but NO ONE else on this planet will do it for you. Get some rest now, be kind (you definitely aren’t the first or last to get into a relationship that wasn’t healthy, I’ll do hold my hands up to having done it in the past!) stop torturing yourself about why he’s been like this (he’s behaved like a knob which is why your brother would be cross, but you will never know and it’s not worth it), get STI tests to put your mind at rest, hide his number, move so you aren’t his client, and use this to quietly get yourself into a place that is healthier. Xx

I can tell when someone is into me and in person you know when there is a connection

?? This entire situation has shown you that you DIDN'T read him correctly though... you thought he was into you. Even when he told you you were a fwb... sorry op but I stand by my statement that what you really need to work on is your propensity for fantasy.

When a man literally tells you to your face that you're a Fwb, just believe him next time and dont let massively vague "let's wait and see" statements stand in for actual proclamations of feelings.

I speak as someone whose Fwb is now her long term dp. I know how it's meant to go, this ain't it.

Thank you for your comments.

In terms of it being a 'fantasy', I don't know anymore. He didn't say we were FWB, he said what more could it be because of his 'deep love and respect' and friendship with my brother. We both knew what we were getting into, I just thought he had feelings (sharing songs with me after we met with meaningful words, etc). I don't think I've been naive, maybe vulnerable.

My brother would be very angry right now if he knew this is what he had done. If we would have been open and said we wanted to 'date' he would of gradually accepted it, however, I know now he was never going to take this 'risk', He said he doesn't put women in front of friends (maybe why he's single).

I don't expect men to start talking about 'fate' that we met and spending hours on the phone with me and being generally very caring towards me. He seemed annoyed when I laughed about him being a fxxx buddy.

Yes, I think I will have to get tested. He said he wasn't seeing anyone else, however, who knows.

My brother said at the beginning all his friends were starting to settle down, only his friend didn't have a girlfriend but sure he 'has a bit on the side'...It was early days in the relationship so it couldn't have been me! Of course, I asked him and he said he hadn't. Who the hell knows.

Maybe my brother knows what he is like with women and in relationships and why he would never approve. Maybe this is the reason.

He did ask me if I wanted children and I said I didn't know. Then he said the age difference didn't matter (the last time I met him).

My ex husband was very emotionally abusive and my self confidence is now just at an all time low. I don't even look like a shadow of myself. That feeling when you look in the mirror and barely recognise yourself.

I don't think I can dump his as someone I work with. His agency's work is very good and I think thats probably immature/ unprofessional.

I HAVE to see him in a month as its my brothers girlfriends birthday party and he will be there.

I was going to call him last night and texted him to say I would. I ended up not calling him and he texted me asking me why I hadn't called. I had a friend over last night and told him that and he just seemed 'off' with me again!

I wanted to meet him again to just explain how I feel (calmly) and clarify things, however, theres no point. I just don't want any bad feelings, but I think its past that now.

I will never know why he didn't want to pursue things, but I just feel worthless now.

Just going to focus on myself, my son, have a holiday and just live my best life now.

We are still connected on social media so he can see that I am perfectly happy without him. I can't block him on WhatsApp/ FB as I just feel bad. If I didnt have to see him again, I would. I also don't want to hurt anyone. Albeit, he has hurt me. Very much. His actions did not match up to his words.

The horrible thing is we've been in touch since April daily and I miss our daily chats and how he uplifted me, however, I realise I can only rely on myself for my own happiness now. No-one else.

'however, I realise I can only rely on myself for my own happiness now. No-one else.'
thats perfectly true.

Please help me. I feel sick with all of this. I cannot stop thinking about it. I feel completely worthless and will see my brother tomorrow as he's coming to my house, I just don't think I can tell him as I don't want to ruin a friendship. I am so confused, I don't know what to do! Half of posters are saying he used me and others saying he didn't that he was clear. Please help. I am struggling badly with my emotions and cannot think straight at all.

Not sure you should spend time second guessing his motives as it's impossible to know for sure & you'll drive yourself mad. You know how the situation & he seemed to you, don't let MNetters gaslight you here as no one on this forum knows what passed between you.

Give yourself lots of self-care, try & step away from it all and just enjoy seeing your brother tomorrow if you can.

And when you're feeling a bit stronger if you want to then do follow up with a call to him to try & see if you can get a bit better closure on the situation. Who knows, things may have changed by then. It does sound overall like you may benefit from some time away from men though & to focus back on yourself to recover & heal from everything you've been through. Can you plan some nice things with friends to look forward to and/or get out for some exercise to release some natural endorphins?

Take care of yourself!!!!

Thank you so much for you post, I really appreciate it. Its harsh to hear 'he just wasn't into you', I think I just am not thinking clearly now so don't know what to think. I will def try and step away from it and plan something this weekend with my son.

I think I will look at holidays this week and see if I can go away in the next few months. This has all just come at very bad timing as things are getting awful with my divorce as my ex husband is being nasty. This has all just amplified my emotions.

I will practise self care (when I can) as a single working mum of a 4 year old and suffering from heavy heartache.

Def need some time away from men. I've trusted men too much, I have an open heart and I just want to be loved. That's the issue. I just wanted love and it seemed like he was giving it to me with all the affection, etc.

May never know what this was, but when my mind is clearer, I will seek closure when I am calmer.

Thank you for your message :-)