Seeing brothers best friend - Need some support/ advice please

[sheryl77]

Hi,

I've been speaking to one of my brothers best friend since February of this year. We started talking for work (I am now his client) and then he asked me for my personal phone number and we started chatting on a regular basis (He went to Singapore in May and he was texting me throughout the day on a daily basis whilst he was there, he also bought me a present out there as he knew I wanted something from there).

We built up a friendship and after months of talking on a daily basis, we slept together a few times.

I really value his friendship more than anything and we had what I thought was a strong, deep connection. Very similar people and he said it was 'fate' that we met and 'lets see what happens' so we continued to talk and see each other (a few dates). I know he was constantly torn with seeing me and his friendship with my brother who he has known for twenty years.

Two weeks ago we met and after us texting each other he was saying he wanted cuddles (Genuine cuddles and not a prelude to sex), I gave this affection when we last met and it seemed like he was freaking out at the time). Later in the day, he said the age difference wasn't a problem (he kind of made a statement to me that he was thinking it wasn't).

We had a great time and then he left (after he'd taken me to lunch the day after) and then he calls me in the evening and I can feel something is 'off'. His communications got less and less (we talked every day pretty much hour by hour).

I asked to speak to him and I said I was getting cold feet (I was at this point as he was being so cold and I was scared of getting hurt). He then said that he couldn't ruin his friendship with my brother and he would never 'approve'. In all fairness, I am just going though a divorce and my brother knows I am not in a good place so right now he wouldn't agree to it, but I think in time if he knew I was happy he would.

I feel a bit 'misled' as he went 'deep' with me and as soon as I went 'deep' he seemed to run away! He was talking about it being fate us meeting (I guess you don't do that for fxxx buddies!) and I genuinely thought when he said 'lets see what happens' that he would consider going into a relationship with me and letting my brother know if feelings developed.

He said it was best to end things now before they got much deeper.

I don't understand! I feel like he's given me mixed messages and am so hurt by it.

We agreed we'd be friends, however I am trying to get my head around it and the fact he wasn't willing to take a 'risk' by even asking my brother.

Am I being unreasonable?

I guess whatever will be will be, but I just feel like we had such a connection (genuine) and I am so hurt by this and I think he feels the same, but I just don't know!

He said he will miss me...however the physical side has to stop.

I am suffering with depression at the moment, so I really just need some advice and support, no hard truths as I just cannot handle my emotions right now.

And hes had relationships since 18, not 18 years :-)

Oh god a near 40yo man posting memes. I'd block him out my life for that alone.

I always try and see the best in people. Thats my problem.

I think you should tell your brother everything and land the fucker in it.

Why not. He used you. Ugh.

My boyfriend is a close friend of my cousin, she set us up. If for some reason we split up in the future, it doesn’t have to have any impact on their relationship.

Who you do or don’t date is noones business but your own.

He was always clear that it probably couldn't be anything more (at the beginning). However, the more we spoke and saw each other, the more I thought he had feelings for me. Maybe I was love bombed, but my brother (funnily enough) said he was a good guy and I believed him (obvs he didn't know I was seeing him).

I just cant make out if he's done something wrong as we both wanted it, but maybe I read too much into it.

He’s just been a flaky, ego driven, unreliable bullshitter, that’s all. Nothing more to understand. He’s not as nice as he’s seemed all these years. He thought nothing of luring you in and then chucking you aside. Sorry OP. There’s nothing to fathom - he’s just behaved badly because he wasn’t concerned about behaving well.

So it was all bullshit? I will never trust anyone again.

If he made it clear from the beginning that it was a fwb arrangement, and didn't make dishonest promises for the future, I don't think he's as despicable as some are saying.

Your brother, who has presumably discussed girlfriends and so on with him over the years, says that he's a good guy so he probably is.

And he hasn't ghosted you or been cruel, he's given you a reason and tried to remain friends.

It's just a sad thing, that you liked him more than he liked you and it had to end.

I think the reason he hasn't ghosted me or been cruel is because I am a good friend of my brother.

I question everything now, whether he wants to be friends because he feels he 'owes' me that or what.

As I said, I thought the feeling was mutual. That's what he led me to believe and I don't think anyone can be that dishonest.

itsmecathy well, he did say FWB, yes. And OP said she couldn’t do that. And then he love bombed her, overwhelmed her with attention and affection, then did a sudden U turn.

FWB don’t do that. He wasn’t straight with her. He emotionally manipulated her.

And OP you can trust again. Just because he wasn’t trustworthy doesn’t set the standard for the entire world. Just give yourself some time.

He said he didn't know what to do as said we probably couldn't date because of my brother and I said I didn't want FWB. But we went ahead anyway going into something unknown or at least I did.

I think its the sudden u turn that hurts. He took me out the day after we met (he slept over), went for lunch and all was good.

When we said goodbye however, I knew something was wrong.

I literally feel sick with stress in my stomach. What if he was sleeping with other people at the same time? He said he wasn't and now I just don't know.

Tell your brother this guys lead you a sweet dance to get into your knickers chances are your brother will know his history which is why he wanted you to keep silent

I'm sorry this happened to

I always wondered why he thought my 'brother would never approve'. Maybe this really is why.

Thank you for your kindness and support.

I called him earlier to say we needed to chat. I just need to get things straight in my mind, however, I don't think I can even bear to speak to him now. I feel he just needs to know what I think.

He's probably just saying to be 'friends' so that it appeases me so I don't tell my brother.

My brother would KILL him dead. There would be blood. Literally. My soon to be ex husband physically and mentally abused me and he knows I am in a dark place right now.

Just read your last threads. There was a big overlap between this one and the last guy who you also happened to cheat on your ExH with. Correct? Just take a break from all men is my advice. You've not even been split from your husband a year.

Yes, there was. Correct. This current guy came into my life as a friend and things just progressed. I really had no intention of having someone else so soon. I'm done with men TBH.

And this situation was MORE complicated than the last one! FFS.

So is the fuck buddy you were posting about in May?

Because it sounded like a really clear, certain, non-negotiable fwb arrangement then, with him telling you that he didn't want to be acting like a boyfriend because he wasn't.

I think you're right to take a break from men tbh. Given your stress about the memes, you are prone to reading too much into every little thing.

No, different one.

I started with this guy as a friend as thats all it was supposed to be and yes I agree :-(

I'm not stressed about the memes, but yes I prob do read too much into things. I'm just stressed generally.

And he said it was getting too deep and better to end it now, however, I feel he went more deep than me and I just don't know why he went down that path and then ran down it very quickly!

We've been talking every day for six months. Do men invest in women they want to screw like that? I just don't know anymore.

I think you are going to drive yourself mad trying to understand his mind when actually you have already had the explanation that he's willing to give.

The only thing that matters surely is that he no longer wants this relationship.

The brother thing is an obvious effort to let you down gently.

You may never know whether he was stringing you along, genuinely liked you but has found his feelings changing recently, met someone he liked more or really liked you but isn't ready to commit to anyone.

And it doesn't matter. It's ended. I would suggest time and distraction until you feel better.