8 years in, is this normal?

[minesadecaf]

Dh and I are 38 and 31 respectively. Both work full time and have two kids. Been together 8 years.

Is it normal for the relationship to become boring? Just blah. We seem to co-exist but not much more. No specific reason other than I think we've been together a longtime.

He goes to football regularly and sees mates. Doesn't bother me; I quite like the time alone. I on the other hand have no real hobbies or interests. I'm a homebod and fine with that. Interests wise, our only common ground is the kids really but hey, opposites attract etc.

In the past year we've been out once just the two of us. We went for a meal which was nice but neither seem fussed about doing anything alone more regularly. I'm a saver and don't see the need to go out and spend for the sake of it.

I'm rambling but I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else can normalise this. Or is everyone else riding unicorns together to the tune of Marvin Gaye still?

It's normal for relationships that have run their course, yes.

It might be normal for all of them, I wouldn't know.

I'd be concerned.

Opposites attract...but you aren't drawn to each other anymore? That's not promising.

What brought you together initially? What was originally your common ground?

What do you expect to be doing? This is just how most relationships, including platonic ones, go. You can't be excited forever

I don’t think so tbh. I still enjoy time with my husband-he makes me laugh. We try to have a night away or a date every other month and look forward to them.

I think it’s quite common of longer marriages with small kids. Life starts to revolve around kids needs and adult relationship changes/suffers.
In addition - you married at 23, very very young, and had kids too. You didn’t have much time for living your young age and finding yourself.
(Your H did, btw)
I don’t think what you describe is a dead relationship. More of one in a rut, a bit.
Your description almost sounds like you are a little depressed.
At 31 - you just want to stay home, have no hobbies; and you didn’t mention having friends either.
I think of this relationship is to stop being ‘boring’ - the change needs to start with you finding a bit of yourself. As an adult, in a marriage, but as an independent person.
Interests, hobbies, friends are healthy things that help make us happy - in addition to H’s and children.
You need to have some life separate from your role of a mother/wife. As a start.

I agree with the pp — your relationship is boring because, without sounding too harsh, you yourself sound a bit boring.

Being a homebody and a saver are all well and good (I’m both of those things!) but you need something to give your life texture and interest and excitement. When was the last time you were doing something and felt a rush of joy or satisfaction? When was the last time you were genuinely fascinated by something? Follow those paths. There are plenty of amazing things you can do and learn curled up in the sofa.

As much as two people can care about each other, each individually has to bring something interesting to the table every now and again to keep a relationship alive.

Hmm. I leave for work at 7 home at 6 then often have an hours work each night and definitely a couple of hours to do at weekends. I'm knackered! Plus ferrying kids to clubs and parties etc, I genuinely struggle for time.

As for it's me who's boring, that's knocked me! And depressed? Nope! My fathers seriously ill so that's taken a hit.

I'm glad some think this is normal though.

Op - it’s normal to an extent.
In the sense that when you have a job and kids - you are short for time and tired.
But. There is a big but.
What you are describing is a relationship where you and your H are not much of a couple and more of co-parenting roommates.
10+ years from now when kids grow up and don’t need you anymore - you and your H might look at each other and realise that nothing is left of the relationship.
Of course it’s normal to focus on short term, day/to/day issues. We all do.
But there is a reason why so many families break up when kids are older. And adults have lost ability and desire to be together.

10+ years from now when kids grow up and don’t need you anymore - you and your H might look at each other and realise that nothing is left of the relationship.

And this is okay. I think it's alright for things to have run their course.

Perhaps I should rephrase. What should an 8 year relationship look like?

Was your relationship exciting to start with? Sounds like you're in a rut. I'm not sure if it's entirely normal, I mean it doesn't HAVE to be like that..

When you have young children you have to make an effort to be with each other in non parenting roles.

Perhaps I should rephrase. What should an 8 year relationship look like?

DH and I have been together 10 years. Married 7 and have 3 young DC. Like you, we don’t have a huge amount of time for hobbies etc at the moment.
However, we try to make sure we keep our relationship ‘alive’. We don’t have much in the way of childcare so will do things like cook a special meal with a nice bottle of wine. We make sure we don’t just conk out on the sofa watching TV in the evenings; we spend at least half an hour chatting without the TV on.
We try and make sure sex is a priority as it’s all too easy for it to fall by the wayside.

Do you laugh together? Have enjoyable sex? Have those "love moments" where you just really appreciate the man he is (and he does the same with you)? It's hard to tell from your post, as you mentioned none of the good stuff.

It doesn't sound like it's over to me, but could you maybe inject a little more... joy??

What do you expect to be doing? This is just how most relationships, including platonic ones, go. You can't be excited forever

bollocks.

I've been with DP for 7 years and we love hanging out together, regularly make time to meet up for lunch or go out for the evening, even if only for a walk to the shop for pudding. You don't have to spend a lot to spend time together.

If you really are just as happy on your own as with him, what's the point?! Do you at least have sex? DP and I don't live together, which probably helps keep the magic alive a bit, but we see each other most days and spend half our nights together. If we have a quiet few days when we don't connect I really miss him.

There's no reason why after 8 years your relationship should be so dull and unfulfilling. Maybe after 20 or 30 years perhaps, but even so, plenty of people on here who still have a close connection after 30 years. Put some effort in!

What do you expect to be doing? This is just how most relationships, including platonic ones, go. You can't be excited forever

Utterly absurd advice, I’ve been with DH over 35 years and love him as dearly as when we got married.
I think the key to it, is balance. We have joint & separate interests, the same with holidays too. Matched sex drives also helps.

To say most relationships can’t be exciting for ever is frankly bollocks.

Together 42 years, married for 38, still cuddle, hold hands, have sex, smile at each other, laugh with each other, enjoy each others company. OK there have been some tough times but I still love him and he still loves me. When we meet up after having been apart, we smile and hug, because we are happy to see each other again.

But when it was a daily grind of work, childcare, ferrying them around, older relatives to care for as well, yes it WAS harder

Does he do his fair share of everything, honestly? Do you? Nothing kills a relationship stone dead faster than an unequal partnership, both work, chores, childcare and finances.

Because those are really important things. Nothing kills a relationship faster than inequality in the basics, imo. It's just fundamentally dispespectful.

If that's all OK, do you actually still love him? Fancy him? Because again that's the all important thing as well

Sex life is poor perhaps every 4/5 weeks but it has been since we first got together. That's me; always had very little interest. He knows no difference from me.

My father is terribly ill and he's therefore my priority and the children obviously.

I do probably 70% of house stuff but it's my house (bought before we got together) so I feel that's only fair.

Pretty weird to think of the house as yours. If you're married, legally isn't so, and surely you should start thinking ours emotionally after 8 years..

Your life sounds very much a grind - long working hours etc. Have you thought about changing jobs or ways of working? There's no time for yourself or your relationship at the moment.

Lord that sounds...depressing. Have you spoken about it? Lots of people are busy, I know my husband and I catch our own arses daily, but there's always time for a five minute giggle about something, or some physical contact. Do you ever just go out for a walk together maybe? To the pub for a drink? No need to spend loads. Agree with previous poster who said it's odd that you still think of your house as yours-almost as though you view your husband as a temporary arrangement.

Honestly? I think if there is no redeeming or improving your relationship that it would make me seriously sad if I were you. My marriage is a real source or strength for me but also of laughter and security. He's my 'happy place' even though that sounds really cringey.

Doesn’t sound like a relationship with longevity to me. In fact it sounds pretty miserable for you both.

Due to your family commitments, you've got yourselves into a rut.
There is a saying that goes ' If you always do what you've all ways done, your always get what you've always got '
Meaning get out and do something, shake it up !
Be spontaneous, be sexy, surprise him.

Agree with above, the house isn't yours. It's legally the family home. Sounds like you're describing a lodger to me rather than your husband.

Relationships take effort, like growing plants. BUT more concerning that the above is how little time or effort you seem to give yourself.

I think you start there, make a list of everything you would LOVE to do before you die ( regardless of practically or cost). Then you will start to reconnect with your heart.

So sorry to hear about your Dad, maybe this has been a trigger to get you thinking about your life purpose?

Very best wishes xxx

When you say you're a homebod what do you enjoy doing at home? Is there anything you can share with your Dh?

I think you need to reconnect with your Dh. You must have done stuff together before children and you need to make time for each other.

Dh and I have been together 23 years, married 20 years, children are 16 and 13. As we have 2 children we have done the divide and conquer each taking a child out alone so that we get 1 on 1 time with them, but also in the evening too, putting the phone down, looking at each other when we talk to each other. Listening to podcasts separately (on commute for Dh or in the house for me) and then talking about it.

I'm a saver and don't see the need to go out and spend for the sake of it but that is investing in your relationship. It does take some effort.

Dh and I enjoy spending time together. As the children are much older we can leave them and go out for a coffee, stroll hand in hand, enjoy just being the two of us together.

You sound like my SIL who got divorced, no children involved, because they just stopped spending time together, he was out with friends or at the football, she stayed home, no real hobbies or interests. He met someone else who was more aligned with him, he got divorced, remarried and had several children. My SIL stalks him on facebook (not sure if he realises) and watches videos of him and his new family all having a laugh together.